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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:01:31 AM | I would hope it's not true otherwise I am going to be alone forever. If someone is that interested in you, you shouldn't have to pursue at all. I know I will never chase anyone.
If I send a message or a phone call to my date I will wait for a response to that message or phone call and if I don't get a response with in a few days I assume that my date has no interest, likewise if i send a message here and it's not replied to within a few days I write the person off even if they do respond to it later.
I don't see the allure in chasing, its games to me. | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:03:47 AM | | hi... I prefer the approach where the man pursues me more for dating/courtship but I will say hi first or send an opening email... I have not made the first phone call to a man in yrs and I feel fine about that... if a man who I am attracted to pursues me he will not have to play guessing games or wonder about my feelings, they will be obvious and directly related to the interest/time that he shows me... for me anyway it is sort of down the same line of thinking as love making starts way before the bedroom.. blessings for happiness | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:13:11 AM |
Personally I think if either party pursues, the other end isn't THAT interested. Showing interest is better than chasing - if you're chasing the other person has to be running. Give this girl a prize. Brilliant post.
I'll disagree somewhat, though part of this could hinge on the semantics surrounding exactly what's meant by "pursuing", "showing interest", and "chasing".
The fact is, if someone with a value on the mating market of 4 wants a 7 they're going to have to do the "pursuing" and "chasing". The 7 just isn't gonna go after the 4 with anything other than a very brief and casual hit and run approach, and even then that's only likely to happen rarely.
If the 4 merely "shows interest", it's not going to go anywhere 99 times out of 100. It doesn't matter whether the 4 is the man and the 7 is the woman, or the other way around. Almost by definition, the person with the higher value is going to pull back a little bit (the "running" part) because they instinctively know they can do better.
What's wrong with those rules type books is that they try and flatter the woman purchaser by telling her she's a 10, which she most likely isn't. (HJNTIY goes further by making all guys out to be zeroes, but that doesn't change the basic ordering, only its magnitude.) The problem with the average woman, who is by definition a 5, is that she too often wants to be pursued by an 8 or a 10 the way a 2 or a 3 would, which isn't gonna happen no matter how much she holds out or believes it's his job to do so or that it's in his inherent nature to be the pursuer/chaser -- it isn't, because the behavior depends on the relative values of the two people involved, not their genders.
Obviously, things are going to go in the direction of more mutual and equal pursuing when the two people are more or less at the same relative value level, give or take its inevitable slight variation owing to individual taste. The best that can happen is for both parties to over-estimate the value of the other. It can happen, but I think it does so rarely.
Long story short, if a woman demands a man pursue her, she needs to be content always dating below her level, because that's who's going to pursue her. This is one of the reasons women so often seem to end up with jerks and losers. If they want a great guy, the odds are very great they're going to have to go after him, and not just by "showing interest". Same as for men if they want a really great gal. | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:27:22 AM | I'll disagree somewhat, though part of this could hinge on the semantics surrounding exactly what's meant by "pursuing", "showing interest", and "chasing".
No problem; in my case it means:
Chasing - going after someone to the point where it's relentless and uncomfortable, regardless of the other person's interest. I believe you even put off interested parties with this approach.
Pursuing - continually trying to impress someone you're interested in without knowledge of mutual interest....brings you a lot of people who'll go along with it cause they like the attention but may not reciprocate - if you required them to.
Showing interest - letting someone know you have interest and then stepping back and allowing them to respond (or not).
I prefer the last option because as a woman, I never appreciated being pursued or chased by a man - in both cases I've never encountered a man who cared if I was actually interested. In order to pursue me, it's almost certain that I don't know I want to be caught - so the interest tends to be one sided.
Carry on. | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:30:36 AM | I want to say this with the utmost of sincerity. Doesn't it all come down to the two individuals? Who gives a ratzazz who starts what... it's about mutual attraction and subsequent behaviors. I met someone recently who told me flat out that she would not contact me and that, and I quote; "the guy has to go after me". She then proceeded to advise me that if I wanted to date her I would have to follow certain guidelines, such as "book in advance, I do not accept dates unless I have more than 4 days notice." I was also informed that she would be dating multiple men and then making a choice.
How did this make me feel? Well, suffice it to say, it made me feel like losing her number and "pursuing" someone that made me feel like there was at least somewhat of a mutual attraction. Will I pursue this woman? Not bloody likely.
Know what... she contacted me first! She came after me. Bit then she had a "rule book" and everything turned to shit.
It doesn't have to be this hard. The games are for the kids. Give me a woman that tells it like it is, and accepts it back, and we are clear for take off.
Oh... and I have a raging hard on. | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:35:42 AM | | As a man I'd love for a woman to pursue, let's me know she is interested. Any guy who says he wouldn't want that is full of crap. All the chasing and pursuing men do, it'd be nice to have a woman pursue. | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:39:14 AM | | bad*monkeyfunker....we were discussing men in general and their attitudes and actions...not you...you freely admit you are not decent....however, you are under the mistaken believe there is this body of righteous gentlemen who we women should pursue...these men are different....honorable and trustworthy......i say again....show me the proof..... | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:49:18 AM | | A woman "shouldn't" pursue a man? I'm all for a woman pursuing, as in the one to initiate demonstrating interest or asking out. I'm more interested in the reasons why a woman shouldn't in this day and age. I thought we were no longer living in the days of suitors leaving calling cards at the front door and chaperones for women until they were married. If we shouldn't because it's not deemed "lady-like", there's a good chance she's going to be TOO "lady-like" in other aspects of a relationship and have too many other rules with respect to hard and fast gender specific roles. I hate rules as much as I hate roles. | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:05:37 PM | "Showing interest - letting someone know you have interest and then stepping back and allowing them to respond (or not)."
What she said...nobody likes to be hounded by somebody that you have no interest in.... | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:12:19 PM | Great post, womaninprogress.
Chasing - going after someone to the point where it's relentless and uncomfortable, regardless of the other person's interest. I believe you even put off interested parties with this approach.
Brilliant observation.
The potential exists that one, or both, on both sides of the equation can get put off.
Some people never take that into consideration.
Pursuing - continually trying to impress someone you're interested in without knowledge of mutual interest....brings you a lot of people who'll go along with it cause they like the attention but may not reciprocate
Both, women who aren't attention whores, and women who are, can be mistaken for each other, in this scenario.
What do you think is the distinguishing factor that "proves" one to be the truth, and not the other?
Same with "players" and "nice guys. They can both approach in the same manner.
Showing interest - letting someone know you have interest and then stepping back and allowing them to respond (or not).
It's seems some women are only willing to begin to show their cards, only after the man has played all of his.
As one brilliant female poster put it, recently, "They expect delivery, before payment".
I'm more interested in the reasons why a woman shouldn't in this day and age.
So are a lot of us. But it's better when a woman poses the question.
It avoids the accusations of us men "whining" when we ask for answers....
Long story short, if a woman demands a man pursue her, she needs to be content always dating below her level, because that's who's going to pursue her. This is one of the reasons women so often seem to end up with jerks and losers. If they want a great guy, the odds are very great they're going to have to go after him, and not just by "showing interest". Same as for men if they want a really great gal.
+1
Totally agree with the rest of your post , as well, ColonelIngus.  | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:14:18 PM |
you are under the mistaken believe there is this body of righteous gentlemen who we women should pursue...these men are different....honorable and trustworthy......i say again....show me the proof.....
Oh I've never said you should peruse them, I said they don't "need" to peruse YOU.
You said pretty women have a lot of options. And I said "so have decent men".
And you want proof of what exactly ? that they're decent and trustworthy ? Well hon, people don't come with labels. You'll just have to go and find out. However, you may look that the general outlines such as ;
- Respectful
- Hardworking
- Good career, good manners.
- Good looking, fit, good financial status.
- Good and respectful circle of friends.
- Family oriented.....
List can go on and on. These men already have a long line of women waiting, they have options. Don't expect them to knock on your door, peruse you like other dogs in heat.... | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:34:55 PM | as kids, men did the dance of shame (coined by a male friend of mine), walking back across the dance floor after being rejected. i never thought about this. i was the wallflower longing to be asked. recently, some of my male friends have brought this up. i have also heard that some men think that women hold some sort of "power". i find this strange.
women have more bonding hormone, in preparation for childbearing. so, they have tended to bond, along with their sexuality. in today's times, it's supposed to be more acceptable to be sexual just for sexuality's sake. still, there is a range amongst both men and women.
yes, there are numerous books written for women which say not to "pursue" a man. i'm not sure that means not to make the first contact though. there are also many courses and books telling men how to pursue women however.
i wouldn't get in such a snit about it. people who are game players, will play games no matter who contacts who first. however, there are genuine people who try to behave in a way that "works". not everyone is about evil. personally, i have learned to back off some and see if the man is interested in me. however, that also could be said for the men. the bottom line is that you need to see some sort of flow between two people. some of the old fashioned chivalrous stuff is rather nice. however, the women also do things to nurture the male, while he is in hunt/provide mode. so economically, it can be fair. i haven't read his stuff yet, but another pof'er claims that a man named deida, writes some good books about how to balance all this out.
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:59:10 PM | A woman may expect the man to make the first move, but look closer. A women who smiles, goes out of her way to look a certain way,pays attention to the man, is pursuing but its not called pursuing. Its called baiting the hook.
Anyone who puts bait on a hook and drops their line in the water is pursuing. And if they don't get a bite they recast the line hoping the fish will nibble and then bite. If after a day or more of fishing the same area for that same fish, they may move on. But they still want a specific fish.
~Beth~ | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:04:07 PM | | Gosh every guy I have asked this question always answers it the same way!!! I would love a woman to pursue me...but when it comes down to becoming serious with that person...they also answer the same way...well, now that I think about it, none of these women initiating relationships have ever lasted into something more serious. Of course I am sure there are always exceptions to every rule...but thats what my chitchat with guy friends has come up with!!!! | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:09:00 PM | | I do not believe in that statement, personally i think it comes down to what you say and how you say something when it comes to women approaching me. I had only one experience and actually how she approached me was flattering, yeah i know i sound like a female. Now if there is a girl who is throwing herself at me in sexually suggestive ways especially at my age now, I am more likely to be turned off, at the same time if she comes at me with some class, i don't see anything wrong with that. forget these stinking rules we have. | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:17:53 PM | | I disagree. They should. I don't think women will ever subject themselves to the rejection that men go through en mass. I think they should try to be more proactive when trying to get a mate. All that said, I have had some great relationships start when a woman cont5acted me first. | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:17:54 PM |
So you look for a man who can do what you can't? That's co-dependancy. The most unstable and problem fraught relationships. Men who desire women who are closer to equal don't "chase" lesser women. They seek interdependency. The most stable, and rewarding relationships.
Um. "Lesser?" "Co-dependency?" "Unstable and fraught?" WOW, you are quick with the labels no? What are you--Therapy's version of Wonder Woman?
Personally I think you mistake DIFFERENCE for inequality, a common error of the defensive feminist (and I'm a feminist myself, before anyone decides to roar at me for that). I DON'T advocate that women sit around waiting "passively" for men, nor do I do that myself. I said I don't normally CHASE men or MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. That doesn't mean I'm incapable of letting a man know if I'm interested in him actually MAKING that move.
I don't believe that "equality" in a relationship means that both people in it have to behave EXACTLY ALIKE. And I don't think that the ROLES in a relationship are automatically established (hierarchically or otherwise) by who asks the other person out that first time.
I see a lack of imagination here.
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:53:20 PM | I don't think I would want to pursue a man, I am a
super sensitive for rejection, and I have observed a few friends who pursued their younger husbands , sadly their husband throwed it to their faces ,an excused for their womanizing...
A man is like a Horse ~ You can lead a Horse to a water trough but you can not make him drink if he doesn't want to drink... Is that makes sense ????? | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:16:50 PM |
Women, don't ever try to go against the nature period
Where is showing a man interest going againest nature, I thought and have always thought that dance of chase was a mutual thing between said man and woman.
If we want to talk about don't kid yourself in nature the female lets the chosen male she is interested, she is pursuing him in a less blatent way as said male is pusuing in a blatent way.
As for these so called Self help, Dating help, or rule books, I believe 99% of them should be used as starter paper in the fireplace.
The art or pursuing or chasing is an art and it is mutual... | |
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| IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:31:28 PM | So you look for a man who can do what you can't? That's co-dependancy. The most unstable and problem fraught relationships. Men who desire women who are closer to equal don't "chase" lesser women. They seek interdependency. The most stable, and rewarding relationships.
Um. "Lesser?" "Co-dependency?" "Unstable and fraught?" WOW, you are quick with the labels no? What are you--Therapy's version of Wonder Woman?
Great rebuttal from a PhD / Post Doctoral. I'm immensely impressed.
Stop the presses and rewrite all the literature on co-dependency....
Personally I think you mistake DIFFERENCE for inequality
You haven't the knowledge of me to make that claim. You're projecting.
I DON'T advocate that women sit around waiting "passively" for men, nor do I do that myself. I said I don't normally CHASE men or MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
I have to question the veracity of what you claim.
Because what you describe is the textbook definition of passive.
That doesn't mean I'm incapable of letting a man know if I'm interested in him actually MAKING that move.
Aren't you special...
I don't believe that "equality" in a relationship means that both people in it have to behave EXACTLY ALIKE.
Let's refrain from diverging into defining what "equality" among the sexes is, and stay on topic, shall we?
And I don't think that the ROLES in a relationship are automatically established (hierarchically or otherwise) by who asks the other person out that first time.
I disagree.
It most often sets an important precedent.
I see a lack of imagination here.
I have my own opinions on that, and a few other things I see lacking... | |
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