| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:22:00 PM | Do not have sex with them until you care deeply for them. Take several months to get to know them and tell them why you are doing that. If she is on the same page she will appriciate it. If not she will go on her way. I am never interested in sex with a fellow until I care for him deeply. If he walks away because I want emotional closeness( friendship) before sex then it is his los.s | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:42:01 PM |
Do not have sex with them until you care deeply for them. Take several months to get to know them and tell them why you are doing that. If she is on the same page she will appriciate it. If not she will go on her way. I am never interested in sex with a fellow until I care for him deeply. If he walks away because I want emotional closeness( friendship) before sex then it is his los.s
Thank you flower,
I was starting to feel either old fashioned or a prude of sorts,,, I want it to be with a friend. If I have sex with someone I don't care for as a friend first (I've made the mistake in younger years), it usually only turns out to be temporary. I'm not looking for temporary. When I was younger, it was ok because:
I partied too much
I didn't respect myself or the women
I didn't feel as if a lot of things mattered other than immediate gratification
I guess the word I'm trying to use without being insulting is maturity,,,
I've matured and want someone to wake up to eventually on an every day basis and think about how sweet it is to share with someone the wonder of life and all of the good it has to offer. Someone who can see the soft, caring, intense, intelligent, male beast, kind, thoughtful, ravisher, romantic in me,,,
I know,,, those things don't go together, right?
-nods with complacency while smiling inside- | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:56:14 PM |
.but I have been called a hot blooded little Metis on more than one occasion.
Wow! Even better than a Uke... | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:08:08 PM |
but I have been called a hot blooded little Metis on more than one occasion.
Wow! Even better than a Uke...
Ahhhh yes, I suppose I am/can be passionate in that respect too (given the right partner) ...but in actuality they were referring to my temperament haha
...maeflowers | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:08:16 PM | I see alot of profiles on here that state they are looking for their best friend. Me too. Unfortunately most of the relationships I have been in seemed to skip over the making friends part and right into becoming lovers. The relationship I look back on as the most complete, the best one as far as depth of emotion and love, was one that started out as lovers and grew into best friends, without losing any of the lovers aspect. My expectation would be that I wouldn't plan on someone being my best friend first, but that if a loving, romantic relationship did not evolve into one in which he was also my best friend and partner, then it would probably have a shelf life. | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:58:27 PM |
The relationship I look back on as the most complete, the best one as far as depth of emotion and love, was one that started out as lovers and grew into best friends, without losing any of the lovers aspect.
Same for me, there was that immediate intimate connection, which led naturally to sex and the rest became a delicious journey.
One thing I have found is the liking has to be there and stay there for a relationship to grow. Desire alone is not enough. | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:06:52 PM |  NTM we're on the same page.
Any chance you can Fed X yourself to me asap?? | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:53:48 PM | ntm...
all very worthy ideals to aspire...
you might just get super lucky one day...
btw...has all that honey you're imbibing stuck your lips together?....
can we have just one smile?...pleeeeeeeeeeeeeez | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:30:00 PM | | It has been interesting to see where this conversation has gone since I posted this about 24 hours ago. Once again, it appears that I failed to communicate my thoughts with any amount of clarity. I suppose everyone thought that I was hopping into bed immediately with these women because I used the word "lover". Bad word choice. No, I am NOT hopping right into the sack with women. Of course I have tried to take the time to get to know them. I think Ismene nailed it when she mentioned "depth of emotion". This is exactly what I meant. I find myself in a relationship based on a superficial knowledge of a person. It is that depth of emotion I am looking to find. And for those of you who wonder why a man over 50 is still trying to figure this out, just think of all the ones who have went to the grave clueless. I may be a late bloomer but I am trying to get it right... | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:50:30 PM |
I was starting to feel either old fashioned or a prude of sorts,,, I want it to be with a friend. If I have sex with someone I don't care for as a friend first (I've made the mistake in younger years), it usually only turns out to be temporary. I'm not looking for temporary.
How wonderfully refreshing to see this posted by a man. I was beginning to lose hope... | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:53:01 PM | When I met my second husband online, he told me at the start that every prior relationship had started with sex and then he would figure out that there wasnt really a relationship..there was sex, but that he knew I was special and he didnt want that to happen with me.
We talked for weeks, about 8, online and by phone for hours each night, until we met...for me it was extremely hard not to want to know more about him regarding what he wanted etc...I didnt even see a picture of him until after the sixth week. I was bad I would say things and I would hear this silence and he would then say Im going to go before you misbehave more! He told me later how he would find himself missing me when we had never met and how hard it was to keep from jumping in the car to come meet me since we were only 3 hours apart. He kept every promise he made, he took all the worry out, he would say..ok tomorrow night Im not going to call but the next night you call me at this time. I even fell alseep on the phone one night and he later told me how happy it made him just to hear me breathe.
Op imho you can know someone forever in no time at all...when its right its right but it also how you treat and respect the other person that reflects on the depth of the relationship. | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:32:55 AM |
Do not have sex with them until you care deeply for them. Take several months to get to know them and tell them why you are doing that. If she is on the same page she will appriciate it. If not she will go on her way. I am never interested in sex with a fellow until I care for him deeply. If he walks away because I want emotional closeness( friendship) before sex then it is his los.s
Refreshing to hear flower since a whole lot of us feel this way.. I think of what is going on today and really dislike what I am seeing.. A lot of us are looking to fall in love and that takes time. For those of them that walk away because we want emotional closeness I highly doubt they feel we are any loss to them. By the very same token they are certainly no loss to us.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:47:18 AM |
Lol! Go check out the heart broke threads, or the dating threads. . . . *ANY TIME* a woman claims to have been used for sex, that's the paradigm: she was hoping to seal the deal, and it didn't work.
Sex never seals the deal we all know that. What seals the deal is the emotions involved. When she opens herself up emotionally and makes herself vulnerable and he does not that tis what actually results in the crying.. It is not really the sex at all.
If it all it took was sex to seal the deal a whole lot of deals would be sealed.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:50:34 AM | For that matter we would not even see this type of post on here by RD.. After all his deals would have been well sealed..
It takes making one another emotionally vulnerable to one another that what seals the deal.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:00:36 AM |
If I have sex with someone I don't care for as a friend first (I've made the mistake in younger years), it usually only turns out to be temporary. I'm not looking for temporary.
I guess the word I'm trying to use without being insulting is maturity,,,
I've matured and want someone to wake up to eventually on an every day basis and think about how sweet it is to share with someone the wonder of life and all of the good it has to offer. Someone who can see the soft, caring, intense, intelligent, male beast, kind, thoughtful, ravisher, romantic in me,,,
I know,,, those things don't go together, right?
-nods with complacency while smiling inside-
Hi New,
First of all really loved your post. Those things you mentioned all go together and in fact live in each one of us.. Stay the course my friend cause your tracking is right on target.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:41:26 AM | FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS
LOVERS ARE LOVERS
women who put men on the friend pile DO NOT TAKE THEM TO THE BEDROOM, (unless they get drunk one night and forget they shouldnt do it) she is trying to tell you that she is not into you in that way......................
Although - a woman can make her lover her very best friend. | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:43:06 AM | | Well that is my slant on friend v lovers anyways - others may differ but its not the end of the world if you dont agree with my post you are allowed your opinion it is open to your posting too........ Happy posting | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:23:16 AM |
Well that is my slant on friend v lovers anyways - others may differ but its not the end of the world if you dont agree with my post you are allowed your opinion it is open to your posting too........ Happy posting
I am going to go back in time a little.. Wasn't your first kiss by someone you were friends with first? Mine most certainly was..
My first husband (rest his soul) also was a friend.. We became friendly after I saw him coming to many of my performances. I noticed this cute man with a long nose in this French beret.. At first I thought he was Robert Zimmerman (Bob Dylan) and I remember thinking is that him? Because this man looked exactly like him. Is he trying to attract my attention with that beret? You see I found it odd that an American was wearing one. To make a long story shorter he would stop and talk with us after the night was done. Sometimes I would invite him along when we would go out afterwards since he hung around a whole lot.. Eventually 6 months later that friendship caught fire..
In fact I think a whole lot of us married someone we were friends with first.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:31:59 AM | | I have a nice looking male friend....we go to dinner and do things every now and then. I had never thought about being anything ever than his friend. Last night I started to give him a parting hug.......and he reached out and laid the biggest kiss on me ever. And no it wasn't a friendly kiss.......he told me to think about that....still thinking..... | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:11:51 PM | NTM we're on the same page. Any chance you can Fed X yourself to me asap??
I think I fall under the biohazard restrictions,,,
ntm... all very worthy ideals to aspire... you might just get super lucky one day... btw...has all that honey you're imbibing stuck your lips together?.... can we have just one smile?...pleeeeeeeeeeeeeez
Due to a horrible incident my first day on the job as an apprentice honeydipper, I am unable to smile,,, nobody told me that you shouldn't try to make meth in one of those things,,,
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:13:41 AM |
Due to a horrible incident my first day on the job as an apprentice honeydipper, I am unable to smile,,, nobody told me that you shouldn't try to make meth in one of those things,,,
No doubt about it ladies this man would be a fun date. He would have you laughing until your sides hurt!!!
Whew what a workout that might be..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/8/2009 11:14:37 PM | | Well in all honesty sweetie, this is a dating site, and most of the men I come in contact with are not looking for friends... they are looking for something else. On the other hand, I hear from men that most women are looking for a "relationship" and not just sex. Go figure. Perhaps the women you are dating are not the kind of women you would choose to be in a relationship with, and are just looking for sex or a companion without getting too close. Maybe you should look for different kind of women. It is not impossible but it is very hard to find a "soul mate" or a "best friend" from one of these sites. I have met one man who became a good friend, but that was a long shot from the many men I met from the site. You have to look for women who are looking for the same thing as you.... a long term relationship and friendship... not just buddies to have "activities" with. | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/9/2009 12:32:52 PM | Yes. Think with the brain before lower south and it becomes easier. Imagine you have just been introduced to each other. would you immediately think lover things or other things.
We all start off by chatting and asking questions of each other inattempts to know each other . Watch children they have it off pat. | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/9/2009 1:47:51 PM | NTM, you are a gentleman and a scholar, but more important than that: you are a MENCH!
blueeyesrsmiling, your post made my day!
the catsmeow, i knew you had a good one once. we just have to find "you" a good groomer and with a beret!
all this gives me hope.
as to sexuality, friendship, et al: to each his/her own.
for me, i went past the sexual/friendship/monogamy trinity--still didn't hit the write note. when someone is fear based, asumes/expects the worst from you, that is what s/he will perceive s/he is getting. however, it makes the non-deliverer of this emotion feel like sh-t and somewhat like alice in wonderland. or perhaps, better still, the mad hatter!
depth of emotion? yes that is pretty much on target. what prevents this from manifesting? my observations: living fear based, living immediate gratification based, viewing love as a feeling and no "doing" of love, having so little EQ left or for some, maybe none at all. why? childhood issues mostly and no ability, willing to be willing, belief system, etc.
so, the beat goes on......
ps right on cloudridden below me. there are no guarantees, but we can all think with both heads and not "just" the little one. by the way, we have a little one too. men seem to forget that! | |
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| Friend vs. Lover?
Posted: 11/9/2009 1:49:46 PM | I think the “friend” term is used far too loosely or used as a battering ram of self righteousness. You should be friends first or it’s wrong! Oh bite me! Then there is the faction that blames their relationship implosions around the “we should have been friends first”, yet continue to repeat the same behavior over and over without doing any introspection and blame the other for moving too fast.
There are casual friends with general interests and there are deep friendships, and those take a long time, same is true for the term “lovers”. Sometimes one starts out before the other but my goal would be to have both and both will grow over the long haul. I have never had a “true” friendship develop into a lover because I had an attraction motive from the get go! That doesn’t mean I wasn’t interested or that I didn’t care, but a lot of what was going on was compatibility and fact finding and I see nothing wrong with that, the attraction was there for them too and they did the same. We both had a motive and it was to see if we liked each other well enough, true friend’s takes time, a long time and a lot of experiences to build.
If both agree on how they start and where they go, then it matters not which comes first, but, a true friendship built out of a true lover can do wonders for the soul. It's not one or the other, they both go together. | |
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