| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:24:46 PM | OP, if you are fine with it....don't give credence to what your friends say or what we say.
Friends sometimes give the worst advice....honestly. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:25:51 PM | | i think your friends are a little retarded. tell them they need to learn to be supportive of you and your relationships. geez, you find a great woman and they try to derail you. i guess they think a divorcee with 5 underage kids is a better deal for you. just think, no traveling and little free time. yeah your friends got your back buddy. if you are smart you won't introduce her to these bozo's, might scare her away to see who you hang out with. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:31:59 PM | Wow!! I am 55 and I've never been married yet. There is nothing wrong with me. Life is like that .Some people are very lucky to find their love early in life and they stay together for long time. Others remain together ,just for the sake of having company...well, in my case I haven't found the right person yet and I prefer being alone rather than being with somebody that I don't love. At least, in this situation I am free to look for that special person.
It also happened that when i chose somebody that person didn't chose me. Oh... so many things happens...
So if you are happy go ahead....that's not a red flag.it is just a situation different to the majority of people, nothing more , nothing less.
all the best to you
maria | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:38:34 PM |
but what your friends are trying to say is that maybe she's the problem and there is a reason why no one has stayed with her...to most men and women this is a red flag
You have a wise freind... I also question how an attractive woman never fell in love and wanted to get married or have kids.
Following this logic, one may also question how an attractive man have been divorced and with children. Maybe he has a problem and there is a reason why the wife didn't stay with him.
If you look for red flags, you will surely find them from people who had been married or never married. Depending how it will affect our lives, we learned to blend with it in order to live in harmony with each other. Most women are nurturing in nature. Even a woman with no children will have a motherly instinct.
Get to know her and decide if you can't live with her flaws.
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:49:54 PM | | people and the red flags.. Its the best kind of a woman to find never married and no kids. I dont know about everyone but if you look at the profiles in LA area. You might notice that about half of them in the 40 dont have kids or ever been married. If you find your self happy in her company then go for it and dont look back. Some of the people at that age do have a reason why they are single . But it would show up on the first few dates. Enjoy life and do what feels right for you. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:55:47 PM | She is 49 years old and has never been married and has no children. You'd rather have a woman with 5 ex-husbands? orwho has children from 4 or 5 different fathers?
However, both of my friends who I told said the same thing- that it's a red flag. It sounds like your friends are stupid enough to pass judgement on someone who they don't even know.
Please enlighten me Never having been married or had children is one detail of a woman's life.
You, and both your friends, should not be judging this woman based entirely on that one detail, until you actually know the circumstances of her life that lead to that one detail.
I personally think it's pathetic that divorce and failed marriages have now become so common in our society, that the person who hasn't had a history of short-lived marriages that ended in divorce is now treated with suspicion. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:59:09 PM | | If you like her and she likes you tell the friends to piss off. Make sure she is not a total prude or frigid as that may be it and if she is not go for it. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:16:40 PM | Have many friends who don't have children, never married and are over age 45. Good grief where is it written that to be normal one has to be have been married and have children?
Would you prefer she be divorced once, twice, and have children? Or ever ask her what she sees in a man whose divorced?
Some people don't deserve the good things that come their way.
~Beth~ | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:02:55 AM | Some women are infertile. That's why they have fertility clinics. She probably wasn't prioritizing having children.
You topped my male 47 yr old virgin though. Still lives with mom, saving himself for marriage. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:50:32 AM | | interesting how generous the women in this thread are to the childless, never-married 49-year-old woman. a man with that relationship resume gets crucified. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:56:09 AM | What a shallow theory. Following that, conversely, every woman that has been married = a woman that has significance and value.
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:01:25 AM | | I agree with people that are saying you should only think there is a red flag if or when you see one. It sounds like you and this woman enjoy each others company very much so keep on enjoying it. There is really no need to destroy it on what your friends imaginations can fabricate like there is some awful reason she has never been married or whatever. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:41:33 AM | I'm going to go against the grain and say that I do find it a bit of a red flag. Some folks here have presented valid arguments that have merit, but I tend to see a 49 or 50 year old man whose never been married as a red flag.
The first person I started seeing from POF almost 2 years ago was 49, never married, no kids. I was actually glad for that - no ex-wife drama and no kid drama. Woo hoo! But I told him that his sitation was definitely a red flag to me and he took offense, basically saying he'd never found the right one and why would I hold that against him? He was such a nice, even-tempered, honest, caring and warm individual that I kept thinking, "how is it that this guy hasn't been snatched up yet?"
Well, I found out why he was 49 and hadn't been snatched up yet.
The guy is a raging alcoholic but hides it pretty well - that's why I didn't catch on immediately. As time went by and I called him randomly on any given weeknight, he was home alone buzzed to the gills. If you wanted to invite him out impulsively on the weekend, you had to call early enough in the day before he started hitting the sauce or he was a prisioner in his house for the rest of the evening as he couldn't drive drunk. Real charming. I only started discovering this behavior about 2 1/2 months in and it didn't last much longer than that because I refuse to align myself with an alcoholic.
Not saying everyone must have something "wrong" with them because they're single/childless in their late 40's or 50's, but in my experience, that waving red flag was RIGHT on target. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:44:49 AM | OP, that's wonderful that you have met someone 
So what if she has not been married and doesn't have kids. Maybe she hasn't met Mr. Right yet.
What you think of her counts....what your friends think doesn't matter and you should ignore their negativity. Personally, I don't ask my friends what they think of a guy I'm dating and when in a relationship I don't discuss what goes on in that relationship with anyone other than who I'm with. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:15:29 AM | Say, potentially, this woman had been abused in her youth by her (potential) fiance. Or something along those lines. And say that, because of that, she was scared to really trust anyone afterward, which often happens to people who experienced abuse or trauma ( you may call it PTSD). Or you may simply call it "trying to protect oneself from further abuse" and thus choosing a peaceful, single life.
Should she apologize to your friends about having been abused and thus choosing a particular life style? I'm sure she should; the most important thing is to have your friends happy. You and she will come as a secondary priority.  Never stress your friends out, who cares about the partner!
And the odds of finding a loony between married, divorced and single people are pretty much the same. That is, you never know until you have met them better. There sure is instant "hooking up" ( like on this site for example), but there is no instant learning about a person- it takes time. And I know all of us feel like our time has been wasted when we learn what we don't wish to learn, but it's the only way, sorry. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:25:23 AM | Well...
Your post hits home with me. I'm a 46 yr old never married and no kids woman. I honestly thought that there had to be something wrong with me! I've come to realize a few things OP:
1) not everyone is meant to marry the first dumb ass that asks them. I almost did--after he asked me he got cold feet and ran halfway around the world. I thank God now that I he did run--if he wasn't able to keep his word on something that big, what would married life have been like? For men, not everyone woman who they ask is the right one. I have male friends who have come to realize that they too, have made the right choice in leaving someone who wasn't right for them.
2) Being a certain age and not being married, male or female, isn't ALWAYS a red flag. For some of us, we focused on other things in life. I've traveled, lived in other cities, and have enjoyed life. Do I want to remain single? No...but I'm not going to bend to pressure by others to marry someone just cause THEY'RE (peers, strangers) uncomfortable with me being single.
3) I can't have children. Family genetics have "cursed" my female cousin and I with these issues. We've both found that if we had tried earlier in life, we MIGHT have been successful. I have watched her, after being single forever, and getting married at 41, try for the last 5 yrs to have a baby...only to have to have surgery and still not having any luck. I love my nieces and nephews and my friends' kids to death. People are always amazed that I don't have kids or that I'm not a teacher--kids, for some reason or another, take to me quite easily. I'm grateful for that. If I ever met someone who wanted kids, we'd have to talk about adoption or other methods.
Sweetie...she found YOU. Which means that in this big ole Universe, she was guided towards you and you towards her. I won't get mushy and all but I am a hopeless romantic. But not a stupid one. I do believe, after all this time, that the right man for me will find me or I'll find him. I spent a few years sweating about it---I won't lie. It's not the easiest thing to watch others pairing off. But when the realization that some people, male or female, just give in and go with the first person that seems half assed decent, just because they don't want to be alone, sets in...I can't do that.
Ignore your friends who are probably jealous because she comes with light baggage and love your woman.
At 49, she didn't settle for just anyone...she waited for YOU. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:38:23 AM | ^^^The above post is full of win.......
I'd like to add that in this day and age, we don't need to look for marginal reasons to exclude each other. Some people would write-off divorced people because they "failed" at marriage and might have that omnipresent "baggage," and others want to eliminate never-married people because there might be something deficient about them as well - who would be left in the dating pool?
I'm 47 and have no children, and I regret the one marriage I've had. I've never married again because I haven't met anyone that I would like to marry - it really is that simple.
You've acknowledged that this might be the woman of your dreams, but at the same time, you seem willing to let your friends cast this pall of doubt over your potential happiness.
So yes, um, who is running your life?
I hope that you have a wonderful time getting to know her, and good luck! | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:48:39 AM | Give her a test drive and find out. But I'd have a Plan B in place just in case. Remember there IS a reason.
Either she's a perfectionist/idealist or all the other men who rejected her were perfectionists/idealists.
Which is the more likely scenario? | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:52:58 AM | | It is not a red flag. I am 39 with no kids and dammit I will make it to 49 without them as well. People do not need to have children or have been married (which I have been) to make them who they are. Why is it a red flag??? Hell she sounds smart. Just because she did not get married or knocked up does not necessarily make her a bad catch at all. Her behavior and way she lives her life is what MAY be red flag worthy...but if you like her, she likes you, see what happens. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:04:19 AM | Thanks Folks, some very interesting responses.
To clarify: I'm in the intensely love-struck phase, and I'm having doubts about my judgment as of late. I'm not so sure I'm seeing things as clearly as I would ordinarily, due to my subjective role in this. Since too good friends reacted similarly, I thought I would ask for more opinions, since I might be so blinded that I'm overlooking the obvious. (it happens) Neither of my friends have any impetus to steer me away from her, nor are they jealous nor mean-spirited. I think they're just playing devil's advocate and concerned for my happiness.
Personally, I'm in that flush of, "She's perfect in every way", and I've become skeptical of anyone and everything. It's downright frightening to be feeling like a schoolboy with a mad crush on a new schoolmate. It's going to take some time before I lose my fear and am able to trust again. "Once bitten, twice shy." I've not just been bitten, I've had large chunks removed...
Thanks again. I'll take my time and digest all this food for thought.
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:06:16 AM | I can't believe I did that: it should read, TWO good friends..."
Sheesh! It's even effecting my spelling skills. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 6:39:44 AM | (Like another said) the possible red flag is that she may have a history of relationships in which she is too selective, narcissistic, experiences severe depression, too tumultuous, too self-centered that it may have resulted in men bailing on her or her ending it with them. Regardless, people can change over time.
There are also many neutral reasons which you did not ask for.
You stating you may have found the woman of my dreams (prematurely), and you saying she found you is more of a red flag than her being 49 and never married.
It is way too early to see a Red Flag. However, it could be, but who knows which one of you is holding it.
Be patient and use time to let the Red Flags show themselves. There are lots of reasons why people are in their life situations. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:44:21 AM | It depends on why she has never been married or why she doesn't have children. Was that her choice because she was focused on a career? Never met the right man? (I find that hard to believe, 49 and NEVER met a man who appealed to her?) Or is she commitment phobic and so riddled with emotional problems that marriage seemed to be a trap? Was it a conscious decision not to have have or is she unable to have them?
Has she had live-in or long-term relationships? A marriage license is only a legal document--it doesn't really mean that she has never been "married."
But moreover, why do you "like" the idea? Do you think that she is fresh territory with no baggage? Do you like to go where no man has gone before? If so, you could be in for a brutal awakening when you delve deeper.
What makes her better than a woman who has been married or who has children?
But in reality, who on a forum can answer this for you? | |
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