| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:44:21 AM | It depends on why she has never been married or why she doesn't have children. Was that her choice because she was focused on a career? Never met the right man? (I find that hard to believe, 49 and NEVER met a man who appealed to her?) Or is she commitment phobic and so riddled with emotional problems that marriage seemed to be a trap? Was it a conscious decision not to have have or is she unable to have them?
Has she had live-in or long-term relationships? A marriage license is only a legal document--it doesn't really mean that she has never been "married."
But moreover, why do you "like" the idea? Do you think that she is fresh territory with no baggage? Do you like to go where no man has gone before? If so, you could be in for a brutal awakening when you delve deeper.
What makes her better than a woman who has been married or who has children?
But in reality, who on a forum can answer this for you? | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:40:39 AM | joe mac, i disagree with what you have just written. i think your judgement doubts need to be about your friends and not about the woman. they succeeded in putting doubt and suspicion where there was love and trust being formed. its delicate and our friends are supposed to back us up, not scare us needlessly.
there are lots of very intelligent people that look at the divorce rates and all the legal baloney that goes with it and have chosen not to do the paperwork but are deeply committed in LTR's. not having children in an overpopulated world is also considered compassionate and intelligent by many. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:43:19 AM | Stop listening to your "friends" and listen to your heart. Real friends want you to be happy and follow your dreams. And they'll be there to pick you up if she does turn out to be a loony toon.
At 49, she is probably mature, knows what she wants, and is ready to commit. Go for it.
Besides, maybe she spent the last 35 years in a convent. You never know! | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:50:27 AM |
interesting how generous the women in this thread are to the childless, never-married 49-year-old woman. a man with that relationship resume gets crucified.
Why? It means he doesn't have alimony, child support, ex wives he has to deal with due to the children, and more free time. It's a bonus. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:34:18 AM | | I am generous to the childless, never married woman since I am childless and have not been married. Women who are childless and never married are often crucified by men when we seek to date. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:07:56 PM |
davidpiano0609 wrote: interesting how generous the women in this thread are to the childless, never-married 49-year-old woman. a man with that relationship resume gets crucified.
Ok this is a pet peeve of mine. People need to clarify their comments by noting some. Some women. Some men.
~Beth~ | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:13:06 PM |
Thanks Folks, some very interesting responses.
To clarify: I'm in the intensely love-struck phase, and I'm having doubts about my judgment as of late. I'm not so sure I'm seeing things as clearly as I would ordinarily, due to my subjective role in this. Since too good friends reacted similarly, I thought I would ask for more opinions, since I might be so blinded that I'm overlooking the obvious. (it happens) Neither of my friends have any impetus to steer me away from her, nor are they jealous nor mean-spirited. I think they're just playing devil's advocate and concerned for my happiness.
Personally, I'm in that flush of, "She's perfect in every way", and I've become skeptical of anyone and everything. It's downright frightening to be feeling like a schoolboy with a mad crush on a new schoolmate. It's going to take some time before I lose my fear and am able to trust again. "Once bitten, twice shy." I've not just been bitten, I've had large chunks removed...
Thanks again. I'll take my time and digest all this food for thought.
OMG... HUSH!...  ** slaps hand over your mouth** don't even SAY it!... don't even TYPE it! ** smashes your keyboard -- shudders! ** 
Don't let anyone around you so much as even WHISPER it anywhere NEAR your range of hearing! Phone, even! ** rips the phone cord outta the wall ***
You KNOW why... !!
Don't even let anyone even imply it with "The LOOK" even!
Ok.. if you HAVE to... then use the acronym..... S-P-I-E-W ....maybe ..... don't go anywhere near T-G- ........
** Omg... breaking a sweat here, just wondering if just having typed the first two letters of the acronym could be enough to summon the 7th Level Of Hell Jinx Demon **
** violently shudders **
Ok, NO... don't even use that...
Immediately ... right this second!... start performing the exorcism, just in case so much as thinking it has summoned.....
!!!
*** ... Omg...  ... I need ta lay down. {THUD} ***
_______________________________________________________
 ... it's going to be okay, OP. You know how it is. We're human. 
Love can be, and often IS scary, no matter the age. Beautiful, exhilarating, unmitigated joy feeling, butterfly inducing, stellar new lease on life giving ... well... oxymoronic scary blessing!
We'd think that being older that it would be easier to take the pain of our relationship fails to thrive. That through enough times... even once... should be 'conditioning' and not feel so traumatic if it goes south. Experience(s) = Conditioning. Truth is, it hurts even more, IMO. Amendment: When it's REAL.
I think because it seems logical that with experience it should be easier to withstand, like anything else that comes with experience: Navigational know how. Theoretically.
Alas... ** sigh **... hearts are not logical, and theories are not often welcome. But, hearts are where all of this "having found someone" beauty lives, and is a formidable fighter to allow it's light to shine. The head, however ... where logic resides ... we've learned to be it's (heart) keeper, protector. So they fight each other for space. War.
You can win with both, OP. Trust yourself. That your heart is not a fool, your head is not empty, and your experience of that war does not have to be the ruler of either. That you can take that experience, and use it to temper your head, and bar it from warring with your hearts right to let this lady in. That's it's never wrong to love; to allow yourself to BE loved. That we are ALL perfectly imperfect, and accept that it can not be any other way.
You both deserve to give this a fighting chance. So, give it. IF it doesn't work out, it WILL be okay. Your heart is stronger that you give credit (fear)... it always loves YOU first, so it CAN allow her in; don't allow your head to convince you of any different.
I wish you both the Best, OP.  | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:39:11 PM | Wow. is there a law that we MUST get married and have kids by a certain age??? If at all???
My late auntie died at 60 never married or had kids. My uncle who is still living is now 67 never married and doesn't have any kids either. - Should they be shot, quartered and hung????? Neither one of them found "the right one" to be with and certainly did NOT wait around for that, either.
There are some of us that are destined to be single and that is that. And there are some of us who are destined to find someone later in life and that is okay too. Nobody is in a position to judge anyone else's lifestyle.
My guess is the one you are dating is probably pretty selective in who she wants to be with and won't go out with just anyone and my hat is off to her in that regard. So just go with the flow and see where it lands. If you wind up being with her, that is great, if not friendship is good too.
Besides, if you are in a relationship with her, what in the world are you doing on here? | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:53:51 PM | | No big deal...yes i was married... i have no children...i just didnt want to create them with the man i was married to....and i have no...nor..give off any "red flags"... and it wouldnt phase me to date someone that does have them.... | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:52:34 PM | I am 41 and have never had children that is also because i have never met the right gentleman and as for the bond your all possibly right however , a lady would never take that away from a gentleman and should understand that the children are the most important thing in his life. As for it being off putting i think its very shallow. There are ladys out there that have children as soon as they leave school. Red flag? take no notice
sallyanne | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:02:21 PM | Red flag of what? She is obviously capable of seeing to herself and her own needs, smart enough to not bring kids into the picture if it was not the right choice for her and could have a very generous, giving personality with nieces/nephews, charities, etc. You need to be mature enough to know what your own deal-breakers are. Man ... way to look the “old” gift horse in the mouth!!!  | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:33:08 PM | Re the comment how "women are being nice to women" (and implying that women would be NOT nice to men in the same situation):
A large part of the reason is that this thread wasn't started as a whine, but just a question. The OP often sets the timbre of the rest of the posts. That one bachelor who started a similar thread about how women hate because he's a bachelor was just a sad-sack whiny thread, and people reacted.
I have been on other threads where I have been told I'm selfish and don't know anything about sacrifice and that men with kids will never find me appealing because I just cannot understand how important their kids are to them. Whatever. It doesn't matter to me that much--I have never had a man tell me he won't date me because of my always-single status. I HAVE had many ask me "What's wrong with you?" But that's just CERTAIN men, not ALL men. | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/9/2009 5:53:25 AM | I bet your friends mean well.
But.
Since it's unlikely that she's unmarried because she just couldn't get anybody to marry her, (look at the vast variety of people who marry repeatedly in spite of several major blazing red flags on fire), she's single by choice.
This is quite possibly a sign of highly effective thinking and/or resistance to conformity.
I think you can safely set aside the no-children flag, because unless I miss my guess, your friends would be even more frowny toward her if she had several children with never a marriage.
How about if you keep this red flag (if it is one) in mind, along with any other information gained, as you get to know her?
The people who make dark statements like "if s/he has never been married, there's a reason" really make me wonder where their head is at. It's almost always a person speaking who has had a divorce, I guess those happen for no reason? | |
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| 49 and never married/no children
Posted: 11/9/2009 8:01:49 AM | I'm almost 45. Never married no children. And I have a lot of friends male and female in the same boat. Heck my grandfather was 40 never married no children then he had 5 daughters. It's not so uncommon. It's better than unhappily married, divorced after bad marriage, or many other bad situations. | |
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