| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/7/2009 9:19:32 PM | What you described in the repost was not normal, duh, but you also have trust issues.
I trust her, I just don't trust emotions; you cannot control who you fall in love with. Even when you are in love with another person your emotions can always betray you and start up with another. All it takes is a moment of weakness in your relationship.
This is just b.s. Yes, people have emotions, people may even be attracted to another person when they actually really love and are faithful to their partner because our hormones aren't drained from our bodies because we are in a committed relationship.
But here's the thing, everyone knows when they like someone more than they should and the vast majority of people who actually want to stay in their relationship puts the breaks on the thinking. It's really not that complicated and has nothing to do with opportunity or an inability to control emotions. You will either allow something to happen or you won't, you can't lock someone up so they have no contact with the opposite sex. | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:41:00 PM | It is my opinion that it is not so black and white as you put it when it comes to one's emotions. There are shades of gray. Putting the breaks on the thinking rarely happens, that is when the thinking increases; even when one wants to stay in their relationship. When one comes to a point where they are liking someone more than one should, people tend to start to look at what is wrong with the relationship they are in. Else how could they start liking this person more than they should.
As far as being attracted to others that will always be the norm we are attracted to what we are attracted to. You are right though acting on it is the difference, and locking one away from the opposite sex is not the answer. The answer is finding a like minded person. | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:49:38 PM |
rrupt247 wrote:I disagree that it has to do with trust. My ex girlfriend told me "that it shouldn't be a problem if I trusted her." I trust her, I just don't trust emotions; you cannot control who you fall in love with. Even when you are in love with another person your emotions can always betray you and start up with another. All it takes is a moment of weakness in your relationship
Excuse me? Adults who are responsible and actually love the person in their life know the ground rules. And who says you cannot control whom you fall in love with? That's utter nonsense.
Mature thinking people know how to keep their emotions in check when with the opposite sex. It's immature, selfish, people who don't control their emotions and their actions.
~Beth~ | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:56:44 PM | A partner who goes out with members of the opposite sex alone or chats with them while he or she is in a relationship is cheating.
When I'm in a relationship I do not chat or hang out with single men alone. Such behaviour is not necessary and would be disrespectful to who I'm with. I expect the same courtesy from who I get involved with, him not to hang out with or chat with single women on his own.
A partner who hangs out with and chats with single members of the opposite sex is not earning their partner's trust. They are causing distrust and lack of harmony in a relationship. | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:38:12 AM | I wouldn't be ok with it at all... not what you're describing..
I think we should really ask ourselves the question before we do something... how would we feel about it.. I realize that people find excuses... but this should be a no brainer...not in a committed relationship... | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/8/2009 12:46:47 AM | In my mind, when you are in a relationship there are boundaries that you set when you enter one. Some couple's boundaries are very flexable...some are not.
Some couples have a definition for "relationship" that is very loose. Some may not even call it a relationship.
It is what YOU want in a relationship. If it doesn't suit you and causes pain and angst, then it's not for you. Leave.
With mine, I don't go and seek out the opposite sex to have drinks and go out with. If it is a mutual male friend, then my man goes with me. I have a man that I am very happy with and it would insult him and what we have if I do this meet new men online crap. If he chooses to do this, then I would say that he is not for me and I will walk. | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:15:59 AM | Division, no trust issues here. A concept of loyalty, yes, and it differs from yours. Mine is right for me as yours is for you. It's funny how some bring up "oh you have trust issues" garbage. Anything to justify cheating. Trust has to be earned.
I wouldn't ask a guy to give up women "friends", I just don't date guys who have them. A guy with women 'friends" wouldn't share my concept of loyalty and I want someone who does and they're out there so I've learned. | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:31:28 AM | I've had boyfriends with women friends who made me feel so comfortible
with them by all of us doing things together and not excluding me from anything
that it didn't occur to me to be jealous.
And I have had boyfriends who were spending large amounts of time
with one very sexy glamorous female friend in particular
knowing that if she gave the word they would be humping.
And knowing that they often went out to restaurants and once a week
had a private dinner together when I wasn't invited.
There is a big difference between real friendship and a friendship where
the man is secretly in love and lust for his "friend" and keeps hoping
for more. | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:03:33 AM |
See... I don't get this... why is going out with someone for a drink or two in a bar exploring the possibility of a relationship? I don't see it as such...
To me, it's just going out with a friend for a couple of drinks... I would have no problem if my s/o joined us because there would be absolutely nothing to hide.
It's not. You misunderstood there. The exploring the possibility of a relationship isn't with the "new" person you may be considering going out for a coffee with, as freinds.
It was exporing the possibility of a relationship with a person you have gone out with several times, but have not progressed to the point of it being an actual relationship. When you are still in the dating but not dating exclusively phase but think you might be going there, it doesn't seem fair to go meet new people without them knowing you are exploring the possibility of a connection to the point you wouldn't be going out for coffee or whatever with any romantic potential in mind at that time; until things are settled one way or the other with this other person. And the person you have dated several times that is progressing towards a relationship should be cool with it too. The point where a person feels they have to hide it? It becomes unkosher. | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:13:13 AM |
disagree that it has to do with trust. My ex girlfriend told me "that it shouldn't be a problem if I trusted her." I trust her, I just don't trust emotions; you cannot control who you fall in love with. Even when you are in love with another person your emotions can always betray you and start up with another. All it takes is a moment of weakness in your relationship.
I think I see where you are going with this. In this case you are talking ACTUAL relationship, not the potential for one...
And you are not talking about initial meeting as much as you are talking about establishing brand new friendships with opposite gender?
I actually disagree that you can't control a person who you fall in love with. I think you can "set the table" for falling in love, by putting yourself in a close intimate friendship where your sharing, your affection (even platonic) and your trust become more invested with this other person than they are your significant other, who SHOULD get the innermost part of you (at least for their gender; you may have a closer guy friend).
If you spend more time, better quality time, and intimately share emotionally with them you are setting yourself to fall in love, and then when it happens saying "it took me by surprise, they were only a friend, I didn't see it coming" is baloney; BOTH freinds did nothing to stop it from developing; did not have clear boundaries and in fact did everything (subconsciously, but literally) to go down that road; and it's natural feelings can develop when two people are that emotionally connected.
That is far from saying you want to meet a new person at a bar.
Anyone who develops close intimate friendships with the opposite gender, not ones they "had from ages ago" but develop new ones?
Massive red flags. Emotional cheating is worse than physical. both are wrong; but people can separate their feelings from physical cheating; but rarely can they separate them from their emotional ones... love happens frequently and it happens hard.
That is why there is so much relationship jumping online; MANY people on here are in relationships, that are looking to find a new one. Or one on the side. | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:46:02 AM |
Sounds like you have trust issues.
Anyone can have friends of the opposite sex AND be in a longterm monogamous relationship.
It happens.
I'd hate to think I'd have to give up all opposite sex friendships simply because a woman is insecure about who I go out with.
You know, it's not only trust issues.... you can trust her completely...
Often times those so called male 'friends' are trying to get into your lady's pants... and they do it in subtle ways....
There are the 'friends' who tell her over and over variations of "You can do better than him...." to undermine your relationship.... little digs to make her worry or to make her think you're cheating on her...
And...other lines like....
"What, does he have you on a leash....?"
And...
"Oh he's probably out with some chick right now..."
And...
"What is he your master now...."
And...
"Oh, he doesn't LET you do that..."
And...
"Oh, I'd never do that...."
and so on...
And they provide that shoulder to cry on whenever something goes wrong in your relationship. The 'friend' is there helping her understand just how crappy you are...
And they're the first to try to jump in there if there is any chink in your relationship.... | |
|
| |
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:24:14 AM |
Often times those so called male 'friends' are trying to get into your lady's pants... and they do it in subtle ways....
Yes, you have people that are trying to do whatever but unless they are going to spike the chick's drink, she is either going to cheat or she's not. No alcohol, no strange situation, nothing any of those friends do is going to make her do something she wasn't prepared to do all along.
I know if I had a friend that was engaging in that type of behavior I wouldn't continue the friendship because that is someone that doesn't really care for me, even if he honestly feels on some level that I have made a poor choice because perhaps I have, when to end something is a decision I would make relative to both relationships and cheating would never even be a component in either decision.
If you can't assume that your relationship is strong enough to withstand a chink or the chick you are with might cheat in certain circumstances, it is a relationship not worth sustaining. | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:46:35 AM | | depends on the title of this going OUT with the opposite sex while in a relationship, many many things come to mind, is the relationship new. Where and why are you going out, I have friends (yes really.......honestly I do) of both sexes, never tried to get into any female friends nickers (I just wouldn't fit) but you could be anywhere doing anything, work training course have a group thing and just get talking and hey you both like hooby X and your partner dosn't and you can't go now cause green eyed monster......... but drinks and a fancy meal with that person cause you both enjoying eating and drinking.......... there is a line somewhere just comes down to the people involved and trust........... question did you tell the other half where you are going who with and why? | |
|
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/8/2009 2:50:21 PM | Sounds like the usual POF mantra, "My ex was so contolling, now I'm free & wont let any future mates choose my friends for me."
If I was in a relationship I would not see the need (or want in pof pc) to actively seek friends of the opposite sex. | |
|
| |
| Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship
Posted: 11/10/2009 4:35:30 PM | | Well if you are seeing your friends by yourself and your partner is out of the scene, then its not very healthy. Why not include your partner with your friends? It's almost like having to make that choice of "it's them or me"..... not good. You can still have friends of the opposite sex, but to see them privately isn't good for your relationship. However again, if your partner is ok with it, then there's no problem. If you partner doesn't like it... then why would you want to do it anyway? | |
|
Home
login 
