|
|
|
|
|
| | being ignoredPage 2 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | | I think the term for his behaviour is called "passive-agressive". It's a silent rage and quite sick. There is no way to solve a problem when one partner shuts down. If you don't want to deal with this for the rest of your life, I'd give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through. Expect him, as an adult, to discuss issues with you. Make it a "must". I doubt that he can change, though. It is his established way of dealing. Sorry. | |
|
My I
| | Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 27 | |
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:38:26 PM | I work in a hospital and needless to say 80% of my coworkers are female. I grew up with 3 sisters; I have 3 daughters. The vast majority of the times I do remain silent because there is no stopping a woman who wants things done their way and/or they want the results directed to a specific conclusion.....Not all women are like that, obviously.
I have no problem speaking my mind. However, when I sense a woman will not take "No" for an answer or they have a tendency to rant and rant and rant until the they get the outcome they want (uncaring about others wants), I give htem the silent treatment. Rosie O'Donnel comes to mind.... she lacks the ability to shut up.
In all honesty, being silent is the best way in many cases because the other party usually needs bait (counterpoints) to prove they are good at winning arguments - not resolving them. For example:
Guy, "I'm no longer feeling this relationship can work.... I think we should consider ending things."
Girl, "What? You've not given us a proper chance."
Guy, "It's been several months and I honestly do not feel my bond is getting stronger. In fact, I'm becoming disenchanted so, let's end things now."
Girl, "You have another woman don't you? Who is it? Jane? Cathy? Elaine? Who is it? Tell me or I am going to start a thead on POF and make sure no other woman wants you... you'll come grovelling back to me. Then, it will be too late. So, don't you dare end things!!!"
Same scenario... dealt with silence:
She sends 10 voicemails a day... he does not reply.
She calls his friends... he doesn't respond.
She starts a thread on POF.
The overall result is the same...... so why get into a biotch session? | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:47:25 PM | It's really amazing to see the responses - from "I shut down and put up walls when someone is ranting at me, too" to "he's an immature, power hungry, controlling, manipulative sumbiotch!!!" All of which point to different experiences in our lives. The responses on this thread cover all seven shades of ****ed up. haha
Bottom line is, we don't know his motive, and have no way of knowing it. The OP doesn't know it, either. Until she has a productive conversation about it, she will continue to be in the dark. Of course, he's the one shutting down, so it's automatically his fault..?? Is she screaming at him like some windowlicker on crack, or just saying something he doesn't want to hear and he can't deal with adult conversation? None of us have any way of knowing.
I can identify with keeping my mouth shut until I calm down enough and sort my thoughts in order to have a rational discussion. I don't mind having a disagreement with someone, but there are ways to discuss it and come to some sort of compromise or agreement on the subject. Start coming at me all crazy like a stomped chicken, and I'm going to shut my mouth until I can calm down and formulate a response which would entice productive conversation and discussion.
He might be doing any number of the above - from blowing you off and wanting you to feel bad for upsetting him, being a manipulative little spineless ****, to just be trying to keep calm amidst her constant berating and screaming. No way to know. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 9:05:02 PM | "coming at me all crazy like a stomped chicken, "
The visuals here are mind-numbing magillicudy. You're nicer than I am, tho'. No way would I stick around for that type of verbal abuse or hostility.
But to a point I agree with you. It's pretty constant throughout these threads that we can't always know all, or both sides of the issues. I based my opinion on the idea that these silent treatment sessions are unreasonably protracted, and that her communications - though possibly annoyed, were not abusive or hostile. (We can just ignore that my1 guy. Weirdo - City Man, anyway)
But yes, we can't understand completely. My bias is that I put up with such behavior recently from a guy for far longer than I should have, and FINALLY ditched the guy. If a man can't get along with me, he's pretty hopeless. I really am a cupcake ....who was being too much of a doormat at that time
never again | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 9:29:03 PM | I used to do this.
If I got angry with my gf I would shut down, not speak to her.
For me it was absolutely NOT about power and control, which is what I've read many people say that's what it IS about.
If she made me mad, I didn't want to get angry with her, confront her, argue with her, possibly say something hurtful to her, etc.
So I shut down...
I now realize that is obviously not a good way to deal with things.
It was a big mistake, and I paid the price for it. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 10:01:12 PM | | Why does he ignore you? Because it works and I bet you leave him alone for awhile.That's what he wants. If you don't like his style of arguing, hit the door with all your stuff. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 10:25:57 PM | "Ignoring" is deeply subjective. In order to answer this, we reading would have to have some idea exactly what you mean by it. I also agree with several others that your behavior at the time is relevant, however, I think it is more important to know what you mean by "he ignores me."
Random possibilities:
Do you mean he just stops talking for a while?
Do you mean he walks away?
Do you mean he takes off for a few hours?
Do you mean he leaves for New Zealand for a month?
Some likely reasons why, for those:
If he stops talking for a while, he probably just can't process any more right then and needs some quiet time.
If he walks away, he probably needs to be left alone for a while.
If he takes off for a few hours, he probably wants to talk it over with a buddy or just think about it on his own and get a fresh perspective on the problem.
If he leaves for New Zealand for a month, he probably wants to break up.
You made it short, all right, and brevity is great, but it's too short. What is the behavior here? It's hard to opine on something, and maybe, with any luck, share some genuine understanding, without knowing what it is. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 10:28:30 PM | | being ignored is not always childish. I'd rather them ignore me than something bad come out there mouth to the point that I'd lash at them back. Some time outs are good and when both of you are calmer go back to it and calmly talk about it. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 10:32:40 PM | I agree with most of these posts in theory. Basically it's a question of context.
I guess there's a few questions you need to ask yourself (and possibly answer for us) before you can really analyze this situation.
One: How one sided is the disagreement?
Two: When does he ignore you, before, during, or after the disagreement?
Three: Who initiated it?
That'll really help balance out the equation here, I see a lot of "Women do this and guys do that," in this topic; but let's be honest, how a person deals with a situation has very little to do with whether they are male or female, and more to do with their personality.
If it's a disagreement you've had multiple times in the past, or a disagreement where you're giving him an ultimatum to obtain a solution.. then maybe he feels backed into a corner and would prefer not to acknowledge the situation.
If it's a situation where it's an open and honest disagreement, misunderstanding, or case of miscommunication and you're trying to find out what's happening; then he's most likely ignoring you to make a (bad) point or to show his control of the situation.
-My three and a half cents- | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 10:43:55 PM | I will agree that some people do this to gain control and ensure that they don't say something they regret but if that is the motivation behind the behavior, they ordinarily approach the individual when they are calm to initiate discussion on the issue. This is not what the OP has described.
By doing this they are able to control you. By doing this they are able to sidestep whatever you were talking about because now the issue will be their means of communication and they can somehow turn it around on you. They do this to avoid dealing with things in general. If they wait long enough they figure you will let it go.
Why does it hurt you OP, it should piss you off because it is very ignorant. When we are in a romantic relationship, we often create motives for things that don't exist. You think he should care enough about you not to shut you out but the fact of the matter is, it is purely a selfish thing and in many ways has nothing to do with you.
You have two choices, get used to it, develop a thicker skin and avoid confrontations or end the relationship. Doesn't sound like the type of man that would seek counseling so he is probably not going to change.
I walked around on egg shells for 14 years, it wasn't worth it beyond having my kids. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 10:45:17 PM |
You're nicer than I am, tho'. No way would I stick around for that type of verbal abuse or hostility.
Well, if it was constant abuse, I'd hit the door running, as well. When I was dating, I'd pull a Heisman faster than you could blink an eye. Some of the reasons were the first sign of needy/clingy - warn once, then gone. You simply can't make someone else happy, no matter how hard you try, if they aren't happy with themselves.
My ex was always abusive, but she was bi-polar and manic. When she took her meds, it was fine. She always 'got better' and didn't need them anymore, then it was a daily ride on a roller-coaster I didn't need a ticket for. I loved her, so I tried to help. Obviously, if someone doesn't want help, they'll never change. 8 years later, I packed my bags and took the kids.
We all have our lists of 'won't put up with''s. Everyone disagrees, though. It's the manner in which it's handled on both sides that will tell the tale. My wife and I don't argue. We disagree on things, but we're both mature enough and capable enough to address the issues as an adult should - through mutual discussion and communication. I won't have another object thrown at me. If I do get upset, I take a hiatus where I shut down and look at things from all angles, then come back to discuss with better objectivity. It's the only way to really resolve things and move forward.
And I'm glad you like the visuals - someone told me a long time ago that if you could make a comparison to an animal, movie, or game, people would connect with what you were saying and not so easily forget the point you were trying to make. ;) | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 10:45:55 PM | | I don't purposely ignore people that is a type of manipulation, but I do need my space and time to think through how I feel, how it effects me and how I want to handle it. That may seem like I'm ignoring someone but I'm really just not ready to discuss it until I'm had time to myself. Then all is open for discussion. Which means, of course, that I won't be in a relationship for long with someone who needs immediate feed back. I may have a quick blow up at times, but mostly when I'm really mad, I am very quiet while I deal with the problems. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 10:49:27 PM | Darlin',
take some time and read some of the the books by John Gottman. he focuses on marriage but what he has to say is applicable to all couples. For instance, his "seven principles...." covers a lot of what you just asked and then some.
The short of it is that it comes down to confrontational styles. Some folk, couples, have a ignore the issue style in hopes that it will pass. Others attack the issue head on, and others are more prophylactic in their approach. None of these styles is wrong, but each requires a different coping strategy.
What your bf does is similar to how my son's mom and I interact: when a problem arises we would both hide in our shells until the problem went away. I cannot say that this is the best approach, I wish we confronted things differently, but that was the way it was/is. Next time around I would very much prefer a different solving style.
I hope you and your boyfriend find a suitable coping style.
TK | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 10:52:14 PM | | Yea I did this with my ex because if I didn't ignore her and walk away when we had a disagreement it would just get worse. It may be a passive/aggressive behavior on his part or you just might get so emotional that he knows the best thing to do is to get away from you and avoid any more conflict. I know I have no problem talking about issues and problems, but when emotions get involved and a fight starts I will walk away. The problem can be one of three things; it can be you, him or a combination of the two. Now since you can not change how he behaves you must change how you respond to his behavior. Only you know what your part is in all of this but the question is you woman enough to look at yourself a see if it is your actions that are the root? | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/13/2009 11:01:11 PM | I would ignore you for any number of reasons:
1 - You're being irrational and there's no point in talking to you because you'll never see my side or try and use my reasoning against me
2 - I don't want to say something hurtful towards you
3 - You're being abusive and I need to remove myself from the situation
4 - I want you to take a time out, calm the hell down and think things through
5 - I need to calm the hell down and think things through
....this list could be endless depending on the circumstances and the people involved.
I would agree that if he's simply doing it to punish you, it's pretty immature, but then you might be a screaming banshee to punish him to begin with. If it goes on for days, well, I can maybe speculate that you are unwilling to let things go after a few hours or a day, so he needs to keep his cool longer?
Since we're not there to observe, I'll withhold my judgement on who's right and wrong in your relationship. Chances are neither of you are right. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/14/2009 1:23:03 AM | you both need communication skills as to "how" to disagree. for starters, never use the words "you did this". only talk about "how you feel when____". if people are put on the defensive, some shut up, others ignore. often they cannot find the words to argue back. you have to negotiate from a position of "equality" and find midway solutions or take turns with your outcomes, if they involve a decision. chances are you both view the same situation very differently or have different preferences altogether.
also stick to the topic at hand. we women see patterns and bring in more than most men can handle at once. build consensus with one thing at a time and slowly, over time, the results will generalize to the other things. also pick your disagreements wisely. as they say "would you rather be right or be happy?". if something bothers you that doesn't bother him, and it takes just a few minutes, you do it! eg putting the cap on the toothpaste is one of those fine examples. if you are hot and he is cold, one puts on a sweater, the other goes topless. if the latter is you, he will be very very happy, btw! | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/14/2009 1:36:37 AM | If I give the silent treatment (rare) it is because I need space so as not to say something I might regret or just don't want a argument.
I get over things quickly though, if he is ignoring you for more than a couple of hours he is playing games.
I would say my silence doesn't last more than 20 minutes, I have time to cool down, get over it and my brain has time to digest what is going on before I open my mouth.
If it occurs a lot it is not a good sign. Communication is vital to a relationship.
Sometimes we all make the mistake of thinking people should know what we want or need from someone else, but people are not mind readers, take this time of silence to speak your mind in a civil way after giving him a few minutes.
No yelling.
I would ignore you for any number of reasons:
1 - You're being irrational and there's no point in talking to you because you'll never see my side or try and use my reasoning against me
2 - I don't want to say something hurtful towards you
3 - You're being abusive and I need to remove myself from the situation
4 - I want you to take a time out, calm the hell down and think things through
5 - I need to calm the hell down and think things through
....this list could be endless depending on the circumstances and the people involved. Ditto. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/14/2009 1:41:01 AM | | This sounds quite childish to me because realistically very few things that you could talk about with your partner would be serious enough for you to shutdown and not want to talk about if they say something that they don't agree with. To me it sounds like it happens regularly so he just needs to grow up and get a perspective on life. Besides, i don't know how a person can go to bed still angry at there loved one as i can't stand that feeling, i prefer to move on from things or resolve them as soon as possible and days of not talking would be too much for me. | |
|
_Icon_
| | Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 44 | |
| being ignored
Posted: 11/14/2009 2:27:37 AM | Not enough info.
If one or both people are upset then a little time out is a good idea. Some people need time to think things through.
If someone is being passive-aggressive, controlling and witholding thats another issue altogether.
I don't hang with the silent treatment. Even when time out is called, I expect both parties to communicate and understand that it is a timeout. I'll give you all the time you need if you are respectful to me.
The silent treatment is disrespectful. I'm not going to stand there knocking on your door for very long. People like that are too much trouble, I am not motivated to deal with people who expect me to read minds. If you don't respect me, then we don't have much to lose anyway. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/14/2009 2:33:44 AM | Don't know enough details to give really good advice. What is "disagreement" mean to you? Is this over just random philosophies of life or is it like a disagreement about "us" going on?
Also I checked your profile for age and I see you're 37 so I can only assume he is near your age. From my own experiences, I went through this when I was 19-21 with my first love. He was/is a jerkface but beside the point. He always used ignoring me as a control issue. It drove me to madness. It made me do things I would NEVER normally do nor have I ever done since. What mostly drove me mad was he would purposely just not react to anything. Good or bad. So it made even a good conversation turn bad because I am a girl(don't even think it's a male/female thing) and I need acknowledgement. Basically it was immature on both our parts and I sometimes still get angry at me for letting someone treat me so gross and make me feel so worthless. Where it was immature on my part, I would let it get under my skin and eventually blow up and yell. Also immature because I had never been in love before and could not see beyond this ***hole. Like it was my last chance at love. OH LORD!!!! It's so funny and sad to me to look back at the way things used to be.
Anyway, just my take or my experience. Again, we don't know enough to really give you valuable advice that does not bash either you or him. I don't think it's fair to break out the torch and mob on a guy I have never met or have any clue what is going through his head.
My guess is though, that you really know why he is doing it, you're looking for validation and I assume you know what needs to be done. Don't be afraid to be alone. You were just fine before you met this man and you will be just fine again. I mean what did you do before starting to date him? I am just saying, don't settle over something like this. It will only get worse the more neither of you address it. Life sucks sometimes. Go on tour with your friends! ROCK N ROLL STYLE!!!
I know that kind of sounded like I was bashing him. I was not. Sometimes people just don't click on levels enough to make it work. Does not mean your bf is an ***hole. Just means maybe you're not meant to be. It really sucked for me to even type that. I hate hearing the harsh truth sometimes. I don't know I am rambling now so chew on all of this and of course, be an adult when you bring it up to him. Best of Luck | |
|
My I
| | Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 46 | |
| being ignored
Posted: 11/14/2009 6:56:02 AM |
Also I checked your profile for age and I see you're 37 so I can only assume he is near your age
Well..... maybe go further and track all of the threads she started regardng her relationship and her boyfriend..... I'd ignore her too if she were on a dating site trash talking me the way she is. As well, she knew this relationship was over a long time ago... she has issues about "Letting go". | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/14/2009 7:46:46 AM | | hi gardenergirl3 i know how that feels and some times both sides thay intend to do that to be iratateing and thaay just dont have the gull to tell you because it can be heas holding a grudge or he would be tired of haveing a realation ship with you but that my rough guess no offence im sorry if the was | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/14/2009 8:15:22 AM | Dear My I,
Thanks for telling me to look at the history. I am new to this stuff so I did not realize you could do that.
Now Dear OP,
I have changed my mind. You need to get rid of this man and leave him alone. All you're doing by holding on to whatever it is you're holding onto is make it worse for you both. And yes, give up his friends too. They are more loyal to him as they should be. Just cut it off and move on. I don't know, I think you could use some DBT therapy myself. (google it I cant spell it)
You need to learn how to love yourself before you will ever be successful in any relationship. You sound like me when I was younger. I still have some of those tendencies but I acknowledge them and move away from them now. I don't think you're just being girly, I just think there is something rooted in you that you feel worthless and therefore you will continue to let others make you feel this way so you have someone or something to blame for your issues. Did that make sense? Basically, this guy or the next or next will keep disrespecting in different or similar ways until you take care of you. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/14/2009 8:33:14 AM |
I realize I am not a guy, but I just wanted to chime in. Many people now a days consider marriage a "piece of paper", but I see it as so much more than that. To me, as a Christian, it is a vow made before God that you should take seriously. How many times in your life do you make a vow before God? And yes, I am divorced. I am Biblically divorced. The Bible allows for divorce in cases of adultery and abandonment. My spouse had a problem with the former.....so, I realize that marriages can fail. But, we should not throw in the towel at the first little sign of trouble.
Also, I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman becuase the Bible defines it that way. And afterall, who came up with the concept of marriage? I believe that humans are fighting to change a concept that does not really belong to us.
I found the OP posted a reply about marriage.
I don't think I want to get into a "discussion" with OP on any topic, because she has the bible and possesses the "truth".
OP, you should find someone with the same core value as you. Personally I'd ran away from you. | |
|
| being ignored
Posted: 11/14/2009 1:39:53 PM | | It's one of the "four horsemen" that some psychologist talks about, harmful methods of communication. It's called "stonewalling," and it just means that someone shuts down and refuses to communicate when upset. If taken to extremes, it can be abusive. It is NOT abusive to say "hey, I need time to process this and think about things. Let's talk tomorrow when I've cooled down." If he could learn to do that, it would be a lot more beneficial than just ignoring you with no explanations whatsoever. That is very selfish and hurtful. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
