|being ignoredPage 3 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4)|
|Is he ignoring you or is he putting space between the two of you to allow things to cool off? Often times it is not a good idea to keep discussing things when you are both still so heated. Sometimes it helps things greatly to allow a day or two for the both of you to cool off and think about things in length and rationally.|
Posted: 11/14/2009 1:45:43 PM
|Folks, women ARE more emotional than men. Men are less so. We need to learn to accept that we are this way and figure out a way to move on.|
Honestly. The biggest issues we have are to do with the differences between men and women (we are alike in many areas, but it's the differences that get us every time).
I don't mesh well with sensitive people. Who wants to walk around on egg shells? I expect someone to be able to be upset with me and voice their upset without turning cruel - I'm not perfect and I can do things to annoy people. I expect to be able to do the same. If people cannot argue to some extent I think a relationship is doomed. All the LTR I know of, the couples argue, but they do not argue cruel. And yes, waiting to collect your thoughts is always a good idea, but if something really bothers you - you HAVE to speak up.
Saying nothing is a big pain in the azz. Sure, some things one has to let go, but others will bother you and if you can't feel comfy enough to discuss it with your partner, I suggest getting a new partner. I went through something like that and it SUCKED, I don't know why anyone would want to be in a relationship where this happens.
Posted: 11/14/2009 2:01:02 PM
|That's a great story and I'm glad to read you're happy now Magillicudy.|
Although i completely disagree with anyone who cannot see how the silent treatment is childish and manipulative (because...hello... it IS), I do acknowledge that sometimes people need some quiet time for reflection. But just as the argument involves both parties, so does the decision to to table the issues for a period of time.
Can we come back to this in a few hours after we finish the movie?, or whatever - not a childish stubborn refusal to speak. Because then, as someone else said, it's an attempt to manipulate by deflecting from the real issue.
This happens most often when a person is in the wrong and they are trying to change the subject and turn the tables, get the attention off of themselves to make you look like you have done something wrong. It is also used to intentionally cause pain (even when they say that it's not -it is - silent treatment manipulators will always go to great lengths to justify their behavior using all kinds of denials).
Posted: 11/14/2009 2:05:11 PM
|You are right some people cope this way, and sometimes ignoring is probably the best option for some because some people have short fuses, I have never been in an big argument with a woman, but if I find myself getting really mad, i normally shut down and go the other way to avoid certain problems and think about things. Some people are introverts and normally they shut down and go think about things "internally" instead of "talking".|
| My I|
Posted: 11/14/2009 2:46:14 PM
Although i completely disagree with anyone who cannot see how the silent treatment is childish and manipulative (because...hello... it IS)
There are personalities who beat a topic to death. There are people who need to be right, all the time. These type people are manipulative and they require feedback - talk it to death, so to speak.
I'm of the opinion, someone like you needs fuel (feedback) in order to feed your ego and/or arrogance, if that's what you really believe about a person being silent. In fact, based on your sarcastic response:
(because...hello... it IS),
I, personally, would be giving you the silent treatment quite often. You seem to be the "end all" to this topic, so I can't help but think you would be the same on other issues.... that's emotionally draining and pointless waste of energy.
In the case of the OP, she obviously requires feedback to keep her fire burning in regards to a guy who doesn't want her. He's right to ignore her because she only listens to what she wants to hear.
Can we come back to this in a few hours after we finish the movie?
The first thing I want to do with someone in the midst of an argument is to halt the banter, make popcorn and watch a movie together. .... and then what? Listen to each other repeat themselves 2 hours later? I don't think so.
Agreeing to disagree is the mature response. Arguing just to win the dispute is unreasonable. Agree to disagree... call it a night... and each other sleep on the issue. In the end, common sense should prevail. If not, usually that's where the "ignoring" part comes in - avoids beating a dead horse, so to speak.
Posted: 11/14/2009 4:11:57 PM
|He is slowly brainwashing you to his way of thinking. Since you are so close to the problem you dont see it. It is a form of control. If he is a grown man with a working mind, he should be able to discuss things that are happening in your relationship. To keep quiet about it and not talk is not solving anything. Your anger and resentment of him is growing all the time. If you are willing to put up with is form of abuse, stay there. You are in control of your own life. You cant live his life, if you think you can you are in for a big surprise. You have to live your own life and make your own decisions. Please think about this, and make a move if you want to, before too much time is spent on a go no where realtionship. As you look back over a year, are you any happier now than when you were before you started, I doubt it, because your unhappiness shows through in this question. If you think his silence is helping him cope, you are making an excuse for the problem, not a solution. Im not trying to critize you, only trying to help you see what his silence is doing to you. God bless you, and good luck.|
Posted: 11/14/2009 4:25:25 PM
|I don't do the stereotypical childish silent treatment, but if there's signs of a heated argument coming I either leave or stop talking so I can collect my thoughts. I'm very much against arguing and when it progresses from a "discussion" to saying things just to hurt the other, I remove myself from it. Because I've realized that I can be stubborn I like to think things through before I say something I'll regret, so far it's the only thing that works so I stick to it. Sometimes the fact that I walk away ticks people off and while it doesn't happen often I will explain why I did it. |
Maybe ask him. Does he return and finish the discussion or does he bury it and blow up later?
Posted: 11/14/2009 4:32:53 PM
|Girls do this as well and I agree with you, I think it's very disrespectful. I suppose some people have a difficult time with confronting disagreements and talking things through together. Gluck!|
Posted: 11/14/2009 7:24:12 PM
|Many people use silence and ignoring another as their way to show their feelings or to escape. Sometimes I will use the silent treatment when I am upset as I find it better to leave it alone, and cool off, rather to talk and have a big argument. It just might be his way of coping and handling the situation. If he gets over it, and comes back as normal, then that's a good key to knowing if it's just his way of dealing with things.|
Posted: 12/4/2009 4:35:37 AM
We don't know what kind of manner you approach him with. If you are gentle, and he ignores you, then he is playing the control game. Don't be willing to play it. But if you are approaching him with verbal aggression, then his silence is understandable. I have known some people who approach their SO with such venom, to express their issue..it's deplorable. But if you are like me, and do it gently...there is no excuse for being ignored. If I see this in any relationship now, I would let him know right off the bat, that I have no interest in begging for attention.
Posted: 12/4/2009 4:51:26 AM
|some people do it because they're passive-aggressive. but some people do it because they just can't stand the freakin' drama. because some people do not know how to have a disagreement with somebody without the other person turning into a bat out of hell. sometimes, the person shutting down feels no alternative but to get dramatic himself/herself, and believe strongly that shutting down is the lesser of two evils. although being passive-aggressive is manipulative, being dramatic is also manipulative... in the worst sort of way, IMO.|
therefore it's impossible to answer your question without knowing more about the context, what the disagreements are about, and the dynamics of your relationship. if you're one of those people that turns into a shrill, nagging shrew, it would be no wonder that he ignores you.
the best answer i could give you is to have a discussion about how the two of you communicate (or not) when disagreements arise, well outside of the context of an actual disagreement. in other words, it's something to discuss openly when you're not pissed off at each other. that way, the next time you are pissed off at each other, maybe a better solution can be reached sooner.
Posted: 12/4/2009 6:43:33 AM
|Some people pursue emotional battling. Are you one of those? Do you harp, follow, pick at him constantly? Do you whine, sigh, pout? Are you a fighter and he's not?|
There are billions of reasons and innuendos within interpersonal communication which would factor in to why he behaves as he does, and why you do.
None of us sitting here are going to know any of those unless we watch you fight.
Make a U-tube video next time and then we can watch and let you know what the deal is.
In the mean time....consider explaining to yourself why you want to spend time with a man who hurts you "deeply".
Sounds emotional to me.
Posted: 12/4/2009 7:34:44 AM
|Everyone is different in this regard. Although ignoring someone may on the surface seem to imply a lack of maturity or just a lack of something else, some people you wouldn't want to see their alternative.|
So ignoring, as cold as it may look, is really basically the issue of the beholder.
Posted: 12/4/2009 8:18:36 AM
|I used to do that. It was my way of making a point without getting worked up. But reflecting on it later after relationships i realized its very immature and a very bad idea considering how crucial communication is. |
What made it worse is getting my way off of it, reinforcing my behavior didnt help so you best nip that in the bud and consider it unacceptable behavior.
Posted: 12/4/2009 10:27:43 AM
|Why he does it doesn't matter. Maybe he has no communication skills. Maybe you're a PIA. I have no idea. The only thing that matters is, are you interested in having a relationship with someone who responds this way to you? If no, move on, because it's not going to change. If yes, expect it, work around it and stop complaining.|
Posted: 12/4/2009 12:26:40 PM
I have been with my boyfriend over a year. Whenever we have a disagreement, he ignores me. While I think this is childish, I realize it is how some people cope.
He ignores you because he doesn't want to deal with the issues of the disagreement. Yes this childish behavior...........assuming the issues of the disagreement are of a logical nature. Children cope by ignoring things they don't understand or don't want to understand. OP........don't date boys in men's bodies, who have the mind of a child and can't cope with stressful issues.
Posted: 12/4/2009 12:31:52 PM
|Did you just say something?|
Posted: 12/4/2009 12:45:17 PM
Did you just say something?
Yes, I did say something..........don't put that 10 year old "soother/suckie" in your mouth and ears anymore, it's full of germs and bacteria.
Posted: 12/4/2009 12:45:43 PM
|MY ex was the same ..he would basically shut me out in my case it went deeper and he would actually withhold information that he deemed i would get angry about so he wouldnt have to deal with the repercussions...it hurts and it gets old quick i dont think i could ever deal with a man like that again although worse part i figured out how to get back at him i would simply leave or give it right bak at him silence...that would bother him because he was unused to someone giving him the same treatment but it was destructive and unhealthy...gives me shivers thinking aobut it now ..|
Posted: 12/4/2009 1:13:39 PM
|The silent treatment and/ignoring a partner is considered an act of violence by the Family Violence Project. Another form of violence is to follow around your partner harping at them until you get a response . Both behaviors are lacking in emotional maturity. One way of dealing with this is to tell him that you will be happy to try and resolve the issue when he is ready to talk about it and then go out and do something interesting and fun. Even it it takes several days for him to start talking to you again he will learn his ignoring you does not have the desired effect. That is he has no power to hurt you with his silence and withdrawal. If he continues to do this consider a good relationship counselor or leave the relationship.|
Posted: 12/4/2009 1:40:34 PM
|There are 2 things to look at here:|
First, it IS an immature behavior. It could be as others said, you may get louder and more emotional than he does and he does not know or want to deal with it. It could also be that he has not had 'good' fighting or arguing modelled for him. So he does not know how to defuse the situation and express himself emotionally without hurting you or himself.
Second, this can be also passive/aggressive behavior, very destructive. In this case, he is trying to control you and the situation, by manipulation. Look this up on the internet, there are other symptoms involved with this. If it is this, you may want to rethink your relationship with him, there are usually other problems associated with this.
Posted: 12/4/2009 1:44:14 PM
|It's impossible to know what's going on in the OP's situation with so little information and context, but I am somebody who becomes quiet and withdrawn in a conflict when my anger rises above a certain level.|
I do this for a few reasons:
- To rein in my own emotions
- To not escalate the confrontation any further
- To avoid expressing so much anger that my partner feels unsafe or threatened
Posted: 12/4/2009 2:24:26 PM
|The human behavior specialists on POF never cease to tickle me. Taking the high road is childish?|
I agree with Strike Anywhere 100%. I detest confrontation.
Posted: 12/4/2009 3:59:08 PM
|My ex use to do that. One of the main reasons I left him. I can't handle it. It's mental abuse in my book. If you can't talk about your problems you're dead in the water.|
Posted: 12/4/2009 4:10:58 PM
|I've got some people in my extended family who use the silent treatment / pouting. It looks just as silly to me for a grown-up to do, as thrashing and kicking in the floor.|
But I've seen it go 2 ways --
#1 is angry punishment as a means of manipulation. Fall into line, or I'll pull the dreaded silent treatment. You exist in my world only until you displease me.
#2 is a person who takes awhile to get over things.