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| | Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?Page 2 of 8 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) | "Does not your body cry out for it?"
Today, no.
While I was married, we were extremely affectionate with one another. My body would have cried out for affection it is was denied by a person I loved. Now I don't love anyone, so why would I crave affection with no one. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 3:26:24 PM | Some people simply don't need affection like others do. It could be because of asperger issues, which many many highly intelligent, successful men/women have, or because one has grown up knowing they were loved and appreciates sans the slobbering kisses and hugs. Then they become adults and know they are appreciated and respected by how people treat them and to them that is akin to affection, yet no kissing, hugging and overuse of nice words are used. Or even wanted.
And as they age these traits are simply more obvious because the people who express concern are themselves needy in some way, because getting older they feel less appreciated, needed or desirable. Am a big believer in the idea that I am loved by how I am treated not by some words someone says to me. m trying to remember the book I read where this topic was discussed and how the researchers found that those women who didn't do the gushy, clingy stuff but knew they were appreciated and needed, had more sex and felt secure enough that instead of playing games, hinting at the desire for sex, they simply spoke up and said things like 'I'm horny', 'Lets have sex'.
My late husband and I probably said 'I love you' a few times per year. But we knew we loved each other because we had such great fun every day, laughed every day, shared interests and were interested in each others works. Something Herman Obermayer's new books on his late friend Chief Justice William Rehnquist speaks to.
~Beth~ | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 3:28:11 PM |
Sex to me is incidental to affection. It is something I savour. It is the expression of love. The very thought of being with a partner that is not affectionate is abhorrent. If I am with someone, I am hers, she is mine and the day is an exchange of little favours, the warmth of a smile, the gentle touch of the hand, the pressure of her body against mine as we sit and read or watch TV, the feeling of warmth radiating from her body as we stand next to each other, holding hands while driving through the night, or the fleeting touch as we separate for the days duties.
What is life devoid of all that? What is sex without affection?
Does not your body cry out for it? Mine does......
Rear did you really write this? Good gravy you could adapt a female pen name and write some of the best romance novels of our time.. A far cry from your menage a tois?
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 3:49:08 PM | Sex to me is incidental to affection. It is something I savour. It is the expression of love. The very thought of being with a partner that is not affectionate is abhorrent. If I am with someone, I am hers, she is mine and the day is an exchange of little favours, the warmth of a smile, the gentle touch of the hand, the pressure of her body against mine.............
Mr. RG.........you had me at Hello.......... .................
Receiving affection, but especially demonstrating affection, the little things, the touches, the glances etc. are what I miss the most because I'm single. Lack of affection, is what another poster, in another thread, called "skin hunger". Because my current circumstances lack affection, I admit it.........I'm needy. I won't and don't sit here in denial.
I'm inherently an affectionate, huggy kinda gal......Now, I'm not indiscriminate with my affection. Which means I'm choosy about who I show affection with. Notice I didn't say "show affection to". Basically, because I believe that affection is a two-way street.....like most things.
OP: As far as I'm concerned, if a man has said he has no need for affection or has no need to show affection, then he's got walls up. I'm too old and too tired to have to work at penetrating "his walls". To me, he would seem to be just too "NOT READY" for an affectionate relationship. I'm more inclined to want to be with someone who has "their act together"......like Mr. RG.
Unfortunately, some fellas just live too far away................story of my life...........
Edit: HOT, THROW-DOWN SEX with the right man accompanied with affection is good too!!!........LOL | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:05:46 PM | | I can't imagine a relationship without touch, affection, hugs, holding hands, gazes across the room, passion, sex, and the taste and smell of my partner. The spooning before falling asleep, the simple touch of toes or fingers in the night. I think most of use truly need touch, crave touch. I hug my friends and that feels good, I'm a touchy feely person but a life with someone devoid of touch would be hell. Children need touch to thrive, seniors need touch as well - have you ever just sat and held your grandmother's hand, they need the touch of a fellow human being and better if it's from someone they love. I think if someone is "cold" at our age, they were "cold" when they were younger. I will always want the passion, the heat, the love of a man in my life, whether I'm in my 50's or 80's. Skin to skin - can't beat it. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:20:31 PM | "one has grown up knowing they were loved and appreciates sans the slobbering kisses and hugs. Then they become adults and know they are appreciated and respected by how people treat them and to them that is akin to affection, yet no kissing, hugging and overuse of nice words are used. Or even wanted. "
If you love yourself, and self esteem is in place overuse of nice words, hugging etc. isn't needed. Giving and receiving affection in my opinion only happens with very special people in our lives. If affection is squandered on everyone we meet, it is meaningless.
However, I couldn't see any point to being in a relationship with a mate that didn't include affection. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:26:10 PM | OP
I believe what you are looking for comes from deep within the heart of the other person. In other words when they look at you or are with you this affection you are seeking just pours out of them naturally. I also believe this is human nature and we are all that way. If this guy is not giving you that then for some reason he is holding it back and this is not a good sign.
I know a whole lot more about accounting and law than this sort of thing but I do know what I just said is right on the money. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:36:11 PM | Affection is different at different times. A friend of mine is a nurse. She gives older people massages and rubs their feet. She hugs them they crave human affection and those that receive it heal faster. I have a friend that is going through breast cancer I hug her everytime I see her. She means a lot to me and I want her to know it.
My little dog that I loved so much would lay beside me and beg for me to rub him. He would jump into my arms for a rub.
Even through I am talking about male and female affection I can find it by smiling at others on a daily basis. Affection can take many different forms. Intimacy is something special reserved for those I care about . I don't crave that affection from everyone. But on a daily basis I give and receive affection. I still want the other. I still believe in things stronger than me that I have no control over. But it has to be with someone that will give and receive back....I see it as fear.....fear driven to keep everyone out.....and that is lonely. I understand others are reserved but last night taught me fear keeps those away from me...I plan on being more affectionate and not hesitate to show those I love.......maybe not in a sexual way..... | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:43:48 PM |
If you love yourself, and self-esteem is in place overuse of nice words, hugging etc. isn't needed.
OH MY GOODNESS............(scratchin' my head) What has self-esteem got to do with showing and receiving affection? Showing and receiving affection has NOTHING to do with my self-esteem. I never want to have THAT opinion. I never want to be in a place where my self-esteem is so perfect that I can't be humble enough to let others offer me affection. Nor, do I want to be in a place where I'm just so dang esteemed that I deny my humaness or need to show affection, regardless of who they are.
Giving and receiving affection in my opinion only happens with very special people in our lives. If affection is squandered on everyone we meet, it is meaningless.
Well, in my opinion, affection is not something you measure or is only given to someone or "people" who are deemed appropriate, to receive it. Maybe if people started "squandering" a little more affection, a lot of senseless acts against humanity would lessen.I've never placed myself above anyone to the point where I couldn't or wouldn't offer a arm around their shoulder or a full bear hug. It might be just what that "stranger" needs, that day.
I guess, different stokes for different folks. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:48:45 PM | My family wasn't especially openly affectionate until I was 10 yo. Then, my aunt died at 30yo. Suddenly my whole extended family realized that life is short. We now kiss and hug and say I love you for at least half an hour before leaving a family gathering. So for the next decade, I grew up with a very affectionate family. Then, I met my ex husband. He was rarely affectionate unless he wanted sex.
Fast forward several years and I had squashed that really affectionate part of myself toward adults. Affection towards my children has never waned.
Anyway, I didn't realize how much I had closed myself off until the job I'm in now. I was so surprised when some of the women I worked with would hug me " just because". It reawakened my closet hugger! It was really nice and I've worked with these people long enough that I am even comfortable initiating the hug.
One of the things I really like about current bf is that he seems to like the same level of affection as I do. I hadn't dated for a really long time before we met and I think it's doing wonders for my endorphins! I don't need constant contact, but it's really nice not to be rejected when I throw out my hand to be held.
I think affection overrides sex. There may come a point when we're willing but unable. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:58:22 PM | Blueyesrsmiling makes some excellent points in message #37. One reason I have a cat is because she is independent and doesn't need the attention a dog needs. And I like getting and giving a massage to the person in my life, but its not the needy type affection, but is more for relaxation. And I like smiling at people, and receiving smiles. But I don't like people I do not know touching me. In fact in orthodox Jewish communities, a woman would never touch a man who wasn't a family member.
When living in places like Japan, Greece, Israel finding PDA's is the exception not the norm. One reason I like Sweden so much is they don't have the need to affection like one sees here in the states. Yet Swedes are known as very sensual, sexual people.
Is it just me, or did this thread evolve from being about needing affection and sex in a relationship to everyone needing affection?
~Beth~ | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 5:10:43 PM | Perhaps that needs to be changed to *all normal human beings* need touch. Primates most certainly do, and there is a fairly sturdy block of work showing so. Baby monkeys will choose affection over food. Infants in Romanian orphanages died because of lack of touch. Aspergers is part of the autism spectrum, and I doubt that anyone wants to claim that as a model for normal. Certainly none of my friends who have autistic or Aspergers kids do.
Beyond that, I'm certain, as with everything else that is human, there is likely a broad range of need to give and need to receive touch, affection. I think it's good and well that we seek mates that match us, and who won't be using words like "needy" to describe a desire for touch and affection that simply exceeds theirs. . . .
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aaamm
| | Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 42 | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 5:26:27 PM | "OH MY GOODNESS............(scratchin' my head) What has self-esteem got to do with showing and receiving affection? Showing and receiving affection has NOTHING to do with my self-esteem."
People who don't love themselves spend a life time trying to prove they are loveable. They get themselves into a world of hurt doing so.
"Well, in my opinion, affection is not something you measure or is only given to someone or "people" who are deemed appropriate, to receive it. Maybe if people started "squandering" a little more affection, a lot of senseless acts against humanity would lessen.I've never placed myself above anyone to the point where I couldn't or wouldn't offer a arm around their shoulder or a full bear hug. It might be just what that "stranger" needs, that day.
I guess, different stokes for different folks. "
Different stokes for differnt folks for sure.
"I've never placed myself above anyone to the point where I couldn't or wouldn't offer a arm around their shoulder or a full bear hug."
I sure don't want to give or receive affection from people I don't know or people I don't want to know. My friends and I always hug/kiss when we meet, but we sure don't kiss anyone/everyone we come in contact with. I can't see the need for myself or for people I don't know.
Of course, I will help a stranger, but the help doesn't included hugs and kisses. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 5:53:07 PM | "Maybe if people started "squandering" a little more affection, a lot of senseless acts against humanity would lessen."
I agree. I just had a celebratory lunch with a group of friends. We all showed affection with each other... including hugs all around as we departed after enjoying smiles and laughes and good food and ... a good time with lots of affection for all.
We trust each other. We trust each other to care and we trust that if something one of us says hurts then we likely took it the wrong way cause we know that none of us would intentionally hurt any one of us ... or the person made a mistake... and we know we've made our share of those.
Because we have earned our trusts we can risk affection and know we won't be rejected. So, that is one way people can feel free to be affectionate... or not. However, I'm willing to bet there are lots of reasons ... more each and every year of life ... why people stop risking being affectionate and claim not to need it. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:07:47 PM |
I have met men and women that no longer desire affection nor do they give affection. Sex is a different story but the affection that we showed whenever we were younger is gone. What happened to it?
Nothing happened to them! Many people have dated around with hundreds in their lifetime and get used. Did they really desire to be passionate about love? Nope and never!  | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:21:50 PM | I have had several guys who say they never loved anyone like they did their first love...they actually guard against loving like that...tis sad to spend the rest of your life protecting against being hurt but in the end hurting yourself and anyone else who ends up involved with you. I guess that is why that song..."The first cut is the deepest" ends with "Ill try to love again"
You know why they guard against it, right? Because getting through the super deep heartbreak almost killed them emotionally and indirectly, physically. And they probably think if that type of heartbreak should happen again, they will have to be put away in the padded room forever. And I'm serious.
The older I get, the more I learn of people's stories, and the more I read up on these forums, the more I think breakups are much harder on men than women. I could be wrong. I think men need relationships more, and I think that women move on faster afterwards for a variety of reasons. Women also end the relationship 70% of the time. And men are generally the pursuers, even in the modern era. Men have to put up with way more rejection than women. That is my take. I could be wrong.
On to the OP - I'm surprised no one has mentioned the old standby book The Five Love Languages.
You all have read this, right? It's standard relationship fair. The five are: Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Words (of Affection). We each have a primary and secondary love language. The book claims that in order to have a mutually satisfying relationship you must learn your partners language and then meet it (and they yours). If your language is not getting met, you are likely starving emotionally.
Mine are touch and quality time. And it doesn't mean the other three are not important. They are all important to me when I've really let my guard down and opened my heart to someone. But there are still the primary ones we each have.
I'm a connection person, probably moreso than even any woman I've ever dated. When making love, I like to stair deeply into each other's eyes, hold hands, kiss gently, the whole shebang. Love the eye thing, very intense. I probably don't need the 'pre-sex emotional' buildup that women need to get physical, but once we are in the bedroom, I am more interested in connecting than getting off. I'm weird for a man, I know.
I've never related to the men that don't know how to do that, or aren't as in touch w their emotions to do that. OP, sounds like you have one of those men. I'm not sure what percentage men out there are like me, but I think you should definitely be looking for one that is a connection person. Of course, I am a Libra :) and they are connectors. But do I really believe in that astro stuff??? | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:26:12 PM | I see a big difference in my two kids, from the time my younger child was born ...someone was holding her..nonstop...every day when we got to the daycare she was the one who was always in someone's arms....and this continued thru most of her school years ...she was teacher's pet, she was the youngest in her class, she was left handed...I heard all the excuses for why they singled her out to make her feel special, but before she would leave she would hug her teacher every day, but the fact remains..she is just dang huggy...
When my second husband's grandmother died and we went to the funeral, at one point she plopped down in the grandfathers lap and kissed him on the cheek and said...I've never had a grandfather before...I think Im going to like this! The smile on his face was priceless.
My older child is very standoffish...it is hard for them to hug me, I can see the desire in their eyes but they feel awkward about it.
I really think that some people are wired differently and some are just that way...my youngest at 19 will still come crawl in bed with me just to snuggle up and talk..she has to have physical contact and most of her friends are the same way and are always hugging me when they see me.
So taking how you grow up, how you are wired and then add years of bad relationships and you can understand why to some affection is more important than to others...some just need to have someone hug them daily to get them use to being hugged. Some would resent every moment of it...ya got to find the type that makes you happy.
Spanish culture is more touchy feely to...so add in culture differences | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:52:42 PM | Reading this sure tells affectionate people who would be appealing ....Maybe we should rate our affection in our profile from 1-10 . I can only speak for me but I start off showing affection slowly and it grows . If asked I would say I am very affectionate .
<div class="quote">I've never related to the men that don't know how to do that, or aren't as in touch w their emotions to do that.
Same for me about women ...^^^^ I find less and less affectionate people the older I get .But I only want one (affectionate Lady) . | |
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