| | Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?Page 3 of 8 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) | In my opinion, I find people who lack the desire for affection/touching/bonding to be "emotionally crippled" Most likely if you were to dig deep enough into their psyche..there would be an unfortunate, yet reasonable explanation behind it.
Having "sex" is easy...however, letting down ones guard to be truly "intimate" with another human being (not only a physical level, but also emotionally) is not an easy task for some.
And what part does sex and affection play into for you.
For me, I can't have one without the other. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 8:52:39 PM | | Can't imagine it op. I crave affection. Being alone and single at 61 sucks big time. Months go by without so much as a hug. When I am in a relationship , I love to hold hands, cuddle, kiss. A pat on your butt as I pass through the kitchen. Damn I miss that. Now mind you I am not on a pity thread, I survive without out it, but I sure do miss it. Maybe growing up in Kansas made me this way lol I do think people are more affectionate or maybe just friendlier in the midwest . | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 8:54:42 PM | | Can't imagine it op. I crave affection. Being alone and single at 61 sucks big time. Months go by without so much as a hug. When I am in a relationship , I love to hold hands, cuddle, kiss. A pat on your butt as I pass through the kitchen. Damn I miss that. Now mind you I am not on a pity thread, I survive without out it, but I sure do miss it. Maybe growing up in Kansas made me this way lol I do think people are more affectionate or maybe just friendlier in the midwest . | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 9:00:49 PM | Blueeyes, I personally don't think the need to give or receive affection is tied to our age. I think some people are touchy-feely types and others are not. I grew up in a family where my father was affectionate, my mother was not. My sister and I are affectionate. My brother is not. I think being openly affectionate is tied to personality and life experience.
While in my twenties I dated a man who was not affectionate. At the time I lived with it.
Later I realized I was lucky that did not work out. I would have been miserable not being able to freely hug and kiss someone I loved. I also like to receive affection as well as display it. If I was not given affection I would feel the void.
I feel exactly the same as you described about a desire to hold, touch, and feel. My husband was an affectionate man. We held hands all the time. When he got cancer and we were unable to express ourselves sexually we could still sit close and hold hands.
The affection kept us close, up to the time of his death.
When I started dating I knew I wanted someone in my life with whom I could be openly affectionate. My boyfriend has not been in a relationship for over a decade.
He had only a rare date during that time. When we started dating however, the affection we expressed came easily. It was natural and comfortable. We enjoyed kissing, hugs, hand holding and cuddling on the couch. Since he has been single for so long I know these are things he has lived without for a long time. Non-sexual touch is an important part of our relationship. When I am close to him I find myself touching him, whether it be a hand on his shoulder, or knee, an arm around his back, or touching his arm while we talk.
Quatre, you are right on target that without expressions of affection, sex is no more fulfilling than masturbation. When you add affection to sex, it is elevated to making love. When my boyfriend and I became intimate our expressions of affection naturally carried over into the bedroom. When he wraps his arms around me and holds me close, he says, "You feel good." Clearly, physical affection is important to us both. I am accustomed to lots of affection. Times when we have had a "quickie" in the absence of our usual time kissing and embracing it feels like a "booty call." It is just sex and does not feel like making love.
Walts, I agree that some our age who have "lost" the need for affection have buried it, for fear of expressing emotion,feelings and giving part of yourself "up" to another. After awhile some just don't have much left to give? Some our age have gone a long time without affection, like my boyfriend, but when they meet the right person, they easily express affection again, even if they have "buried" the need for a long time.
Rearguard, you expression of how important affection is to sex is right on target.
Sex without affection is meaningless.
Aaamm you too expressed it perfectly, that you don't know how you are going to react to someone until you are with them. With one person it is hard to express affection, but with another it is very natural and easy.
Blueeyes, your observation of open expression of affection among kids is something I too have observed. My husband and I were openly affectionate with our kids and our daughter shows affection openly with her friends with hugs. After the death of a loved one, I have found my friends and family became more appreciative of one another. They hug each other and say I love you more freely.
My advise to you, different people have different needs for affection. If you already feel something is missing in your relationship now, it will only make you feel more of a void as you grow to care more. Your gentleman friend may be a good man, but he most likely will never be able to give you what you need from him. Trust your gut. Talk to him about your needs. If he is not willing to make adjustments in the way he treats you, part as friends. | |
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Selima
| | Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 55 | |
| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 9:04:54 PM | ..... I have met men and women that no longer desire affection nor do they give affection. Sex is a different story but the affection that we showed whenever we were younger is gone. What happened to it?
.... He told me he doesn't desire affection. He doesn't mind giving me some affection but that closeness to another human being mystifies him. And he doesn't desire to touch, caress or hold another of the opposite sex very often. And he doesn't need that holding, caressing, or touching. I have heard this from others my age.
How does affection work or tell me how it doesn't work for you? And what part does sex and affection play into for you. And if you use to have it in the younger years and lost it why?
Blue eyes: I think this man is just one man, and he doesn't represent all men in our age group. My experience is of men telling me pretty much the opposite. That that they miss being held, the closeness with a woman, even more than they miss sex. You just need to find another man.
I don't know so much about other women. All of my RL friends are married and have been forever. I know one woman, late 40's, who is single and dates, and she says she is fine without a close relationship and is okay with sex just for sex, but I think, given the choice, she'd prefer a close emotional relationship. Those I meet online also want a close emotional relationship, as do I.
So, I don't think it is so prevalent that people don't want to be close to and affectionate with someone. For me, sex, affection, emotional closeness, all go together; I'm not interested in one without the other. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 9:34:34 PM | some of it is cultural, some of it neurological, some of it is hormonal, some of it based upon childhood and for many who haven't used it, they lose it. for the latter it can be awakened.
i'm not much into cold fish. the end of my marriage was terrible and i thought that i too had lost it. apparently not. although problems with my last two relationships, affection was not one of those problems.
in public, however, one might not tell about me at first. i'm reserved until i get to know a person. i cannot possibly separate out sexuality from human touch. however, i can give human touch w/o sexuality. passion is another realm. that comes and goes, especially in a longer term relationship. i think you have to be cognizant of setting the mood and a lot comes from within you. for me, lately the sensuality is slow, warm and lingering. that is a bit different from passion that is more "bursting". but, that does still happen!
remember men need approximately 5x the touch to elicit oxytocin, the bonding chemical. however, some connect "intellectually". although i do go for what is between the ears, i also need heart and soul and a man with good hands and one who spoons! i guess i'm a touchey feeley, under all the "logic" and "analytical mind". those were developed more for survival and searching. the touching is for peace, joy and growth.
remember attachment disorder is prevalant amongst those neglected as children. often an abused child will do better than one left to rot in it's crib all alone and unheld. we live in a very sad world, as abuse and neglect is not a minor issue for many. it is also the basis for many of today's addictions. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 11:29:56 PM | Blueyesrsmiling your question came up during dinner this evening. And the man I am seeing noted that someone who is in a great relationship, has passion and affection for the person they have in their life, but its not always in your face. He's a psychiatrist and noted that when two people who are equals are into each other, affection can be spending time together and laughing a lot, sharing a common interest, even sitting and reading a loud to each other (told him of a new book about Chief Justice Rehnquist who did this with his wife) and cooking together.
The affection is in being together. If some love being touched a lot fine. But just because others don't, doesn't mean they lack affection.
~Beth~ | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 3:16:40 AM |
It does depend on the person, I think. Some people are naturally "touchy-feely" and others aren't. It doesn't mean they love you less.
I think that is very true.. I am a very touchy-feely type of person however only with those I know very well and have a great deal of affection for..
Otherwise I can appear rather cold and keep my distance.. body wise..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 3:30:38 AM | I am not a touchy-feely person . But after this I have decided to be more out going and try a bit harder with people. I can see whenever I focus on my own behavior that I haven't reached out and make contact with people and have been stand offish. Even through with my close knit friends I can be more open I am going to extend this to others. Maybe not hug them but be more open to them. I do smile and listen but I think touching them on the arm or even nodding my head in understanding and to become more patient. I am wanting a affectionate relationship with others. This doesn't mean I am going to extend myself to every strange man I meet. But I need someone that is affectionate and isn't afraid to show it.
My friend has some problems. Yes he does care for me as Much as He is Able. I know the difference. But he can't for some reason show affection or receive it. This has nothing to do with me. I really don't want this forum to be about him and I. But about affection. I have learned a lot from many people. And it has given me great insight to myself. I believe water seeks its own level. And right now at this moment we are both on the same level. So I am focusing on myself and how I extend myself to others. Not how he extends his self. Like I said he is a great person with great qualities. This is about me.......and understanding and putting the focus on myself is teaching me something.......Thanks I am enjoying this....... | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 4:50:21 AM | Op,i need affection MORE than i need sex.....and,thats really saying something........................!!!! 
Im a naturally affectionate person without 'being all over ' someone.....but,i absolutely love affection and it comes quite naturally to me...........
In a past relationship when it was not reciprocated,i felt as though a part of me was dying inside because i wanted and needed affection so much.
Not meaning to sound too over-the-top but i simply cant live without it...
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 9:55:46 AM | I am sorry to say that quite a few people feel the way your friend feels...and like you said it is not gender specific. Now, for people our age (I am 51), there can be medical issues that stop the feelings of affection from happening. I knew a woman that was very affectionate until she started menopause and then her affections were greatly decreased. Men sometime go through this is they are on blood pressure medication or other things. So there is a medical side to this. But there is also the side where the person just isn't that affectionate and it can be very frustrating if you are affectionate.
Personally, I am a very affectionate person. I really enjoying touching, holding hands, snuggling and even continuing it into sex. But some people are just not like that....and there is nothing that we can do about it. They feel one way...we feel another.
As for an answer for what to do. You have to decid if you can live without affection or with limited exposure to it. If you can, fine. If you can't then you need to find someone that feels the same way you do.
Good luck to you! | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 11:44:22 AM | I've always shown anyone I was romantically involved with a lot of affection both sexual and non-sexual. It hasn't dropped off one iota as I've aged. It seems that all of my friends whom I've known for decades are just as huggy-touchy-feely as they were when we were in high school and college.
When I am in a relationship with a man, daily displays of affection are the norm and I expect the same. Someone who isn't affectionate would not last with me in the long term. When things "click" with someone I meet, I have this need to touch him, hold hands, curl up on the couch while watching a movie, and of course, plenty of sex which includes lots of kissing, and holding each other close. I don't do sex, for sex's sake. I like to feel my lover's entire body on or next to me, not just genital to genital connection.
When I am with the right guy and we touch, I feel like I'm recharging my emotional batteries. I'm not sure if this makes sense but everything just feels "right" at that moment. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 12:25:41 PM |
What it is about is I have talked to several males and females that desire no affection or intimacy unless it is sexual and sometimes they don't desire that either. I know whenever they were younger they weren't that way.
Well, that's certainly a sad situation. Maybe they've been hurt one too many times? Let's face it, some people have tougher hides/bounce back better from disappointment.
Cindy O | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 1:15:28 PM |
I don't know so much about other women. All of my RL friends are married and have been forever. I know one woman, late 40's, who is single and dates, and she says she is fine without a close relationship and is okay with sex just for sex, but I think, given the choice, she'd prefer a close emotional relationship. Those I meet online also want a close emotional relationship, as do I.
Hmm...these days I think I'd settle for good sex just for the sake of sex relationship because what I've been meeting lately are emotional cripples. BLECH! But on topic, I love affection -- sensuous touch, affectionate touch, etc. Lots of people are huggers. They hug everyone. But I'm not one of those indiscriminate huggers. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 3:11:49 PM | From what I've seen and heard --- both directly and indirectly. . .
Yours may be a nature question -- as in what science now tells us is a seemingly infinite spectrum of "normal neurological wiring including the ability/need to give and receive physical/emotional intimacy".
Or it may be a nurture question --- i.e. the emotional/psychological effects of childhood, young adulthood, adult experiences leading up to any st/age of life
But it is definitely not an age question. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 3:35:42 PM | | I don't think age has anything to do with the ability to give and/or receive affection. What does impact our ability is what lies between our ears - THE BRAIN! Too often folks think that affection or "sex" needs to end with the act of intercourse. It doesn't. Sometimes just cuddling, kissing, holding hands, or "the look" between a couple can give greater satisfaction than intercourse. I have a weakness, I love receiving and giving bear hugs! | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 5:27:08 PM | | I am with you sue, I love a big ol bear hug. I think we all need to disassociate affection from sex. Not that I am not into giving plenty of affection to a partner. Affection should be shown to all the close people we have in our lives. Heck I have even been able to give a big ol man hug to some of my male friends. This world would be a better place if we started to think about others more and not so much of ourselves. Give and show love through affection.. | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 10:02:18 PM | First I think you need to deffine 'affection'. I have met numerous men from this site and when they have the words "affection" or "cuddle" in their profile it seems to translate to sex.
I think often women and men have different definitions.
I suspect that many men don't grasp that affection is a very important part of 'foreplay'. (That's a word you don't hear much anymore) A good number of us women need lots of affection to heighten our desire. To keep our sex drive honed.
And I must say part of what you posted, op ,sounded more like passion than affection. If you ask me, which by posting in a public forum you sort of did, there is a large difference between passion and affection.
My take on it is: if you can do it in front of children ages 4 to 14 then its affection. If its something that would make an adult over 25 blush, then its probaly passion.  | |
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| Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/23/2009 11:19:07 PM |
Raredawn wrote:My take on it is: if you can do it in front of children ages 4 to 14 then its affection. If its something that would make an adult over 25 blush, then its probaly passion
YES!!!!!!
That's an excellent take on the subject. Sometimes I think some people assume a person or couple aren't affectionate, because they don't do passionate things around other people. But in private they can be the most affectionate and passionate imaginable. This whole topic has had me thinking.
When I meet friends I hug. Is that affection or is that simply being friendly toward someone I know well and treasure? When I see my family members I hug. Is that affection?
For some its similar to saying 'have a nice day' or asking how someone is, yet not really being interested. Some things are done out of habit and not much thought.
Now when you meet someone of the opposite sex, whom you do not know well enough to call a close friend, do you expect them to hug and kiss you? Or is a brief hug alone alright?
~Beth~ | |
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