|
|
|
|
|
| | Women and Being a ChallengePage 3 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | Belle, cut him some slack... you appear to think most men are dolts from what I have read of your posts so maybe chill...
I think there is more than a little truth to what Mike is trying to say and we all know it can go both ways. Yes us adults will say that is childish behaviour, but really this situation is very real and more common then most would like to admit.
What I am getting from Mike seems to be a genuine expression of how he feels about his situations and why that might be. None of us are going to know all the intimate details that may have led to the demise of his relationships but I think what he is saying is pretty damn common.
Depending on the individual, some prefer to hunt.. they thrill in the chase. Once they have caught and played with their catch, they lose interest and are off to chase more prey.
If staying together was easy, then why would the numbers of single/divorced people be so damn high??
I have no advice for you Mike except to say that in time and with some luck, you may find a woman who is "all that" for YOU and your compatibility will make things a tad easier and hopefully more permanent. Good luck. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:00:03 AM | "You. In all of your posts..."
Again, another angry one. Just don't get it.
So by me saying that in the beginning of my relationships, it seems my signficant other treated me better due to maybe seeing me as a challenge since it was in the recent past that I was dating other people when we met, that means I'm saying that women should be fighting over me? Really? | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:00:14 AM | | True love does not work with ultimaitums or absolutions it works on communication trust and understanding. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:03:35 AM | It's a logical analysis that is probably wrong. What you are describing as far as I can figure out from your post is that the relationships start falling apart or not being the greatest thing on the planet around 3-6 months, usually closer to the three. The reason is that this is about how long people can successfully continue to wear whatever mask they donned when they met you.
I think what you are encountering is just people that you aren't compatible with. Now, what you do to really be of value to yourself, is consider these women and what the common denominator is besides you. If you believe that the working at getting you thing evaporates, what signs did you miss that doing nice things for you was work rather than a loving extension of a developing relationship?
I think you will do yourself damage if you cling to your above thesis because rather than looking at your picker, you are going to start to believe that there is not one single woman out there who is authentic and honest and will treat you the same way you treat your SOs.
Remaining a challenge to your partner is not really an honest relationship but you are choosing the wrong women. I think if you look back at things there were signs that they were azzhats that you ignored. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:07:24 AM |
What is happening to these young men?
OP...simply. The girl courted YOU in the beginning. You allowed her to court you and set the dynamics of the relationship in stone. You found a giver.
When you decided that she won you, you started the "courting" (that YOU should have done initially) after the fact. Now you are courting her within the relationship. It's like giving her her reward for landing you.
Confused "Giver" has to deal with this man giving to her now. YOU changed up the dynamics. She didn't know how to receive.
You changed. Not her.
Actually, nothing is wrong with us. You simply come from a different generation where dating rules are different as did our parents.
And no offense, but the idea that relationship dynamics don't evolve over time is one of the dumbest comments I've ever seen on this board. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:15:41 AM | Perhaps to be more concise I can put it like this:
Remaining a challenge is simply working with and pushing your partner to continuegrow as an individual and as a couple together. When a relationship becomes unbalanced (one person giving more than the other) the dynamic changes to the point where the receiving party no longers sees the value in their partner. We all want someone caring, kind, nice, who loves us, but we also , don't want someone who is clingy, over-bearing and needy. Ironically, by doing everything that he is doing in the relationship the OP is becoming clingy, over-bearing and needy.
Challenging your partner (perhaps challenge is the wrong word) has nothing to do with being disingenous or dishonest in a relationship. It is simply an expectation that the relationship is mutual, equal and will continue to grow and evolve as you continue to get to know each other better. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:19:13 AM | | I'm of the belief that when the same type of thing keeps happening over and over again, according to you, that it has more to do with needing to look at yourself, rather than the other person being to blame. Are there women out there who play this sort of game?...of course, but the chances of it being every single one you meet is crazy. You say you have all kinds of girls as friends when you're single but then it fizzles when you get into a relationship with one. You keep talking about all the things you give and do. Giving and doing is great but perhaps you become a cling-on when you get to the stage where you've made your mind up that you really like someone. I'm not saying giving and doing isn't nice - that's the way things should be, but there's a point and there's a point. Do you become that cling-on at a certain stage that makes the woman feel claustrophobic? Most people like a certain degree of space and if you don't give it to them, they push back. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:31:01 AM | Hey, not trying to argue semantics here, seems to be enough of that going on. That is trouble with these threads and subsequent posts is everyone reads things differently. Also, your personal experiences and views will flavour your posts with your own particular seasonings.
What I think we have here is the classic case of a guy who was trucking along keeping busy and engaged in seeing more than one girl. When one of these girls puts the "heavy" moves on him and convinces him that she is the "one", he succumbs and devotes his attention on her AS REQUESTED. Shortly there after, the "one" becomes a little disenfranchised because she has "caught" the guy and convinced him to stay in her "corral". Now he is but yet another lame horse and she doesn't want to ride him. She would prefer to go after another "wild horse".
Sorry ladies, but this happens all the time and I think any woman worth her salt would admit that these types of scenarios happen with a little more than random regularity.
It all boils down to this young man learning that he has to be true to himself (if and when he figures out what that is) and ultimately "like" will attract "like".
Really, this is all part of the growing process. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:34:31 AM | Women love mysteries and surprises. Surprise trips, gifts, etc when my ex-gf least expected it was something she loved.
Don't be predictable and don't let them know everything about you. Try to be mysterious as long as possible. I wouldn't listen to what women say as they frequently don't know what they want. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:41:38 AM |
I wouldn't listen to what women say ...
That's probably the bigger part of the problem for those who do have problems. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:44:38 AM | Mike,
There are a lot of words here and some rants as well but I think the answer has been given.
1) most relationships fizzle out over a 3-6 month timeline for a variety of reasons (removing the "dating mask", boredom, other options, whatever.
2) if you behave like a player in the beginning, nice women back the hell off and you are left with only other female players in the competition...so you end up with an immature player who loses interest once the "game" stops. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:47:02 AM | Without input from the women in these relationships, it's all guesswork, and many good and interesting ideas have been raised.
However, I think it probably comes down to being with incompatible women. It takes longer than 3 months or so to truly determine compatibility - it usually takes a year or more to have experienced each other in enough circumstances to be confident of how each reacts consistently.
My SO and I have been together about 10 years. From early on, we were thoughtful and considerate towards each other, but never subjugated our own identity to satisfy the other's wishes. We still wish to nurture each other, without any control over the other. We both want to continue to learn and grow and encourage the other to do so as well, at whatever pace and in whatever way is good for them.
Perhaps you tried to do too much for them, and they felt either smothered or that they couldn't do as much in return. There IS such a thing as too much of a good thing, and it can cause resentment rather than appreciation. I don't think your situation really has much to do with the lessening of a challenge based on your opportunities and behavior with other women. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:55:55 AM | "Hey, not trying to argue semantics here, seems to be enough of that going on. That is trouble with these threads and subsequent posts is everyone reads things differently. Also, your personal experiences and views will flavour your posts with your own particular seasonings.
"What I think we have here is the classic case of a guy who was trucking along keeping busy and engaged in seeing more than one girl. When one of these girls puts the "heavy" moves on him and convinces him that she is the "one", he succumbs and devotes his attention on her AS REQUESTED. Shortly there after, the "one" becomes a little disenfranchised because she has "caught" the guy and convinced him to stay in her "corral". Now he is but yet another lame horse and she doesn't want to ride him. She would prefer to go after another "wild horse".
Sorry ladies, but this happens all the time and I think any woman worth her salt would admit that these types of scenarios happen with a little more than random regularity.
It all boils down to this young man learning that he has to be true to himself (if and when he figures out what that is) and ultimately "like" will attract "like".
Really, this is all part of the growing process."
Snotsure, you nailed it in a lot of aspects in this post. - Mike | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 9:59:13 AM | Gina, and those who think they're god almighty and who can't spell worth s**t are the dumb, uneducated ones 
And I'm VERY educated in the area in the field having family members struggling and a sister who just passed away. I've gone through the counselling process myself in the past so I know all about it having survived domestic abuse.
Off your throne sweetie | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 10:07:22 AM | | It's not a certain gender specific problem. Many people, men and women pursue something and when they finally have it, they don't appreciate it any more. Maybe it's just human nature. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 10:22:52 AM |
Gary, I do hear what you are saying to an extent. I feel those tips have their place in a casual dating relationship and I know first hand what you're saying does usually keep a woman interested. I think I behave in that manner indirectly or kind of by default when I am just dating. My issue is that I don't feel like "the mystery" and using "attraction principles" should be necessary once you are in serious committed relationship where both parties are in love with each other. I don't think I'm mysterious by nature, I am a pretty open person, so if I acted mysterious or aloof in a serious relationship, it just wouldn't be me and in a sense I would be living a lie.
Thanks. I feel a lot of what you said is correct.
I know dude. But I am like you in that I genuinely love to treat a woman great in the ways you do. Trips, gifts, being totally open, etc. and I did it alllllll the time because it makes me feel good. But what I find is that women just don’t respect this behavior.
Then I came across a relationship video on the internet as I have mentioned to you and it changed my view on that subject. Women want a mix of nice guy/bad boy but mostly, they want to be kept on their toes. They also get bored knowing there will be flowers or gifts waiting when they see you.
I think you are a good guy so I wont try and get involved there but what I would do as I have placed into action myself are a few of the following. Back away from your partying, bars, etc. out of respect for the relationship but don’t give it up all together. Keep being social with female friends. Not ones that you have dated in the past but continue being bar friendly with others. There is no disrespect in that as long as you keep it respectful and yes, even a friendly flirt is still okay. That will keep her on the defensive as far as her head getting sooooo big that she thinks you are her only option. Sorry, I know, but its true. Now romance is awesome and I am all about the romance but I totally over did it! Instead of doing lots of nice stuff, back it off. Use it sparingly and keep the surprise and mystery in it while still keeping it special. Women don’t need these things allele the time. But when they happen, make them feel really special. But don’t make a big deal about it. Have nice flowers sitting on the table and wait until she notices them. When she does, just say “Oh, yah, those are for you, by the way” and don’t say another word about it. You don’t even have to be looking at her when you say it. Minimalize it! The same goes for gifts. Trips are a bit different but drag her along with you. Don’t do them for her.
These things keep her thinking and when they do happen, they are special and mean more than if they are there all the time.
I know it’s a shitty game, man, if you need to call it that. But there is an art to attraction and we all have to learn it. Once I put into play some of the things I have mentioned here. Things began to change. I still cant find the woman I want in my life for the long haul. But for the ones I go through in the search, what I have said works every time.
Good luck!! | |
|
tnt144
| | Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 67 | |
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 10:38:38 AM | | I have to speak up for Gina here... she has said some brilliant things in her posts here that most people would not know. I want to personally welcome her to the boards and let her know that I, for one, appreciate her input here. You guys could learn a lot from a psycologist... they typically know many times what the layperson knows. I can also tell you that she is an exceptional one at that. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 11:30:04 AM | Well I thought I would add my 2 cents. As with all stories here, there is his side, her side and the truth in the middle. Although as pointed out many times, we should take the OP's story and work from there.
It is interesting that for the most part, that as usual, the replies fall along gender lines(no surprise there). Not withstanding the alledged expert, I do have some questions and thoughts. I would hope the OP is dating women in their mid 20's, although the women in question seem more like high school than mature ladies.
As to your 'valued commodity' status, it would not rank anywhere higher or lower than any other normal male willing to accept a relationship, as opposed to being a playa. A good job, good looks may move you up in that pack, but it is not the end all, be all. As to the not returning phone calls, acting indifferent and being a'bad boy', it will not get you the woman you seek. Low self esteem women, who would accept such behavior, are NOT great relationship material. Nor are women who look to acquire you due to your coveted status, they enjoy the chase, NOT the capture. So in the end, the edgy women most bad boys go for, make for poor partners, they thrive on drama, have the attention span of a gnat and will move on quickly due to immaturity.
Finally for most of you ladies who responded to this thread, shame on you. While you may not like his style, NOT ONE of you condemned the ladies behavior, seeing her side and assuming many facts not in evidence. Further the behavior described by the OP of the woman in question, was immature at best, no where does he describe her desiring a conversation to discuss their problems or anything like it. Funny thing about all this, after being treated this way by multiple women, he could learn NOT to care, not to want a relationship, not to show his feelings, not to be nice in relationships. THEN 15 years from now, after a divorce from one of these women, he can hop back on POF and be one of those uncaring, no relationship wanting, hit it and quit it guys you all love to biotch about all day.
Thanks ladies, as usual, love the double standard. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 11:43:31 AM | Gina....I have seen you on these forums many times and I have noticed a very distinct pattern to your response. To better understand, I went and read the comments to threads you have in your history...and I found my thoughts about you having a pattern to be true.
To get right to the point, I think you have a very real problem with men. Whenever any male has stated he was having a problem with his gf in their relationship....your first response is along the lines of "what are you doing wrong". You never seem to consider that the man is not always at fault...women do cause a lot of relationships to fail. I am not saying they cause all the problems...but they cause just as many as men do. You have both men and women that can not work within a relationship...or either the man or woman has some type of personality disorder...or one of them is just an ass. Either way, men are not always at fault...yet in all the contributions that I read in your history I did not see one that even hinted the woman may be the cause of the problem. You even made a few comments to people about they were not old enough to understand...so I looked at your age. I noticed you are 34....to my 51 years of age, that makes you a pup when it comes to knowing about relationships. No different than if a 34 year old man was trying to tell a 51 year old woman what life is all about. Please!
The truth is this. Most people on this or any dating site has been burned at one time or another from a bad relationship. The older you get the more times you have most likely experienced it. The one thing you can not allow yourself to do is turn cold enough to think the opposite sex is responsible for the relationship problems of the world. I am human...and I am not perfect. I am sure I have emotionally hurt women. But I also know that women have emotionally hurt me. That doesn't mean I am going to go around and blame all women or automatically believe that when a guy has a problem in his relationship that the woman is the one in the wrong.
I am sorry if you have gotten hurt really bad and it has caused you to always consider men as the problem first. I hope you can pull yourself out of it. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 12:32:53 PM | Mike,
I think the problem here is perception. You percieve that the women you're dating only put their best effort into the relationship when they feel threatened by the presence of another woman. If this perception is correct, then the answer lies in the quality or type of women you are choosing, and by that, I mean you are dating people who have a mindset that says "I'll just put in the minimal effort that I HAVE to to keep this thing status quo". There are lots of people (women and men) who approach relationships this way, and you can spot them easily, because they tend to have that same approach to most life situations.
But I wonder, is it possible that you percieve the situation this way because it's the way you think, so you just assume others are thinking along the same lines? Do you step up your game when there's another rooster strutting around your hen house, then slip back into old patterns when the threat has moved on? If so, perhaps your partner senses this change, and responds in kind. I don't know you, or any of your former partners, so I'm not saying that is the problem, just offering an alternative point of view, for you to consider.
Personally, I don't wish to be "challenged" within my relationship. If a man gives me any indication that he has potential interest somewhere else, I encourage him to go ahead and explore it, and wish him the best of luck. My partner gets my very best 24/7 and he knows beyond a doubt that he is my one and only, and I don't accept anything less in return. Life is challenging enough as it is, and I want to know that my partner and I will be there for each other and face those challenges together. To me, that's the whole point of partnership.
Threatening a person's security within a relationship with the hint that they could easily be replaced undermines the entire relationship, in my opinion, and living under that threat definately changes the dynamics. It turns partners into opposing 'teams'. Instead of being able to give and love freely, you are put in a position where you feel pressured to 'perform' a certain way. Now, instead of appreciating your loving gestures, someone is acting 'entitled' to them... how obnoxious is that?
If you aren't feeling loved by your partner, how about just talking to them, telling them clearly what your needs are, and asking them to give you what you desire, rather than trying to manipulate them into doing things with a veiled threat? This kind of thing just leads to mediocre, unfulfilling relationships anyway, because even if you accomplish what you want, and get the extra attention or whatever that you're looking for, there will always be that still small voice in the back of your mind, reminding you that it was coerced, and not an authentic heartfelt offering. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 1:02:21 PM | | There are good psychologists and there are bad psychologists. An unprofessional one would be one that states their opnion in a forum as a diagnosis of a situation without having the benefit of one on one counselling and the opportunity to properly assess an individual based on more than what can be provided here. While I may agree or disagree with the opinion given here, that's all it really is in this medium and I wouldn't give any more credibility to it than the person next door who may be a professional tennis player offline. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 1:06:34 PM | | Denial is the name of a river in Egypt, almost all rivers flow both ways. Though it would seem from the comments and posting history, that one does not! | |
|
aaamm
| | Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 73 | |
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 2:01:32 PM | I don't think unless anyone is there to witness what is happening they will truly know for sure what you are or aren't doing, but you are the only common factor and it is your perception of what is happening.
You didn't marry these women, so were you truly in love? Have you truly experienced what love is? Do you know the dynamics of relationships changing as you grow with your partner? It does take two and some times when one isn't feeling it the other is and visa versa. I guess that is one of the reasons they say marrying your best friend makes for the best relationships. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 2:03:02 PM | What are you doing wrong? nothing from what you wrote the problem may be the women you choose. You just had a bad draw of the women, and honestly there is no way to know what a woman's intention is.
your other question, I don't know what to say about that except if you have to continue to be a "challenge" to a woman that has you, obviously it's the wrong woman. | |
|
| Women and Being a Challenge
Posted: 11/25/2009 2:24:08 PM | It is very hard to know what is really going on here. You speak as though you have your girlfriends' psychology all figured out, but it is hard to believe they would describe their motives the way you do.
I also wonder why you think things like cooking for someone or caring for them when they're sick should earn you extra credit point. When you're in a committed LTR, that what you're supposed to do. Your partner has a right to expect that from you. That they don't fall all over themselves with gratitude every time you make them dinner doesn't mean they don't appreciate it. It means they feel comfortable enough with you to accept your kindness as natural.
Frankly, I think you have a fairly cynical view of women and their motives. i have to wonder if that is why they tire of you. | |
|
|
|
|
Page
3
of
5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
|
|
Home
login 
