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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/25/2004 6:57:49 PM | Thank you for the honest answers. I know this question is highly personal for those who respond. Your ability to share this with me helps me understand the dating world today and how other people think. I've reentered the dating scene after 22 years of not being in it. It is a frightening and at times overwhelming challenge. While I understand choices are all something we must decide for ourselves, I feel a lot of pressure from men to conform to their expections on a first date. I have not as of yet, nor will I, revamp my values to make someone else think they want to see me again. Nor will I compromise what is important to me. If that means being alone for the majority of my life, so be it, I have a wonderful and satisfying life.
Dating sometimes feels like stepping through a mine field that has no spaces between the mines. As I said before the dating world has changed. I just don't know how to respond to someone who puts the moves on me within hours of meeting. Even if I find him charming and intelligent and that chemistry is there I still feel the need to go slowly. I don't think I'll ever change.
I have two daughters in their 20's that tell me to get "hip". They advise me that my old fashioned morals have gone out of style and if I want to interest a good man, I'd better learn to be more flexable. Sometimes I look at what they are doing and wonder how these children came out of me. Daughter number one is on boyfriend 22? Daughter number one has allowed one boy to kiss her, has just entered the ministry, and will soon be going to Africa for the Salvation Army. Two extremes. Both have valid points, both to me are extreme.
I think I'm happy doing what I do. What is important to me, is not what you're doing, but how I feel about myself. At the end of the day when my head hits the pillow it's a nice feeling to know I haven't hurt anyone else intentionally. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/25/2004 6:58:49 PM | Wow, Georgie... You didn't deserve to get jumped on. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Darlingnada, thank you. I didn't think I did either. Nice to know others care. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/25/2004 10:15:51 PM | When I started reading through this thread I figured that people's view on dating varied a lot by age groups, but now I'm not so certain. My own way of looking at this particular thread is very, very close to darlingnada's post.
I think the key here is to communicate with a man up front that you are not interested in sex until (fill in your condition here). If you tell a man what you want he will usually respect that, but if you don't make it clear then we're left guessing (and who knows what we'll come up with).
"Yo homey, I'm not gonna git wit you b4 we married". Oh wait, wrong thread  | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/25/2004 11:07:23 PM | I've found that if the men I'm on a date with are older or more successful then they'll pressure you into it. For teens and young adults like me I guess it's the new "grown up" thing to do. Teenagers have always tried to grow up too fast. My new flame and I are trying to stay away from this trap.
Me | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/25/2004 11:32:33 PM | Im real open minded about it i guess i see it as it's something we can both do that dose't cause us physical harm such as drugs and Drinking,and if you do it right it's the only thing that can be done these days thats fun, exciting,good for both of us and totally Free ! to me as long as your safe and attracted to one another why Not I cant see any bad's in it, but thats a young guy's point of view maybe when i get older it will mean more to me but for now if it feels good and ant hurting no body why not?
Jerico | |
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yna6
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Joined: 5/2/2004
Msg: 31 | |
| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/25/2004 11:34:30 PM | Can always look at sex as friendly exercise....good workout for the heart..the body in general, and relieves stress....so it is GOOD for you!
Knobette and I have a workout planned for real soon...like, a few minutes from now...hehehehe. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 12:57:02 AM | yna6, that sounds almost like a Business Plan - a new concept in Fitness Workout, but patrons will need to bring their own mate ... lol
Georgie, just to throw in a couple of Thoughts and comment on a couple of lines in your earlier post:
I feel a lot of pressure from men to conform to their expections on a first date. = Get rid of him ASAP!!!! There is no such thing in relationship matters - Its always a 2-Way Street.
I just don't know how to respond to someone who puts the moves on me within hours of meeting. = If its not mutual, also get rid of him as quickly as possible. Its a sure-fire index that communication is not on the right track.
old fashioned morals have gone out of style = I would imagine you would be referring to those of the 1950/1960's. The Opium-induced Victorian Era in the late 1890's was very much like the Hippie Sex & Drug Culture of the 1960's. As substance abuse in society increases, so our Morals & Principles slip down the tube to some extent.
Times come, times go... | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 5:26:46 AM | LOL Ticket, they leave rather quickly when they don't take, "Hey slow down," as a serious comment. First of all, I always meet in a public, nutral place, second, I never invite them back to my place (unless we've dated a few times and I feel safe *eons ago*) third, no one makes or forces me to do anything I don't want to do. In that regard I'm strong. But after being strongly asked by more than a dozen men for sex on the first date, I've begun to expect it, and when it happens it pisses me off. I'm a very straight shooter, and even before I agree to meet these men, I tell them what is important to me--they act like I never said a word.
Anyway, back to the topic. My eldest daugther told me last night I should go to a bar, pick up some hunk, and have a solid ride! I nearly choked. That to me is the same as having sex on the first date--virtual strangers. That would be the day in this gal's life. Not! | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 6:31:17 AM | they leave rather quickly when they don't take, "Hey slow down," - Most excellent! Let them leave! Make sure you have a Bat nearby to give them a couple for the Road as Food for Thought!
being strongly asked by more than a dozen men for sex on the first date - Ok. I see now what you are talking about! That is completely out of Order - Total Bullshit! Just make sure you indicate somewheres on your Profile or in whatever Form that you will not have Sex on the first Date. Then if by happenchance something Magical does come about that could change the picture for you, you can always change course Midway whenever you like. I think you may have to go through many more Losers (hopefully not too many), but there is always a Light at the End of the Tunnel. Persistance is the Key.
I am actually surprised that anybody asks for sex on a first Date per se. In a Bar, yes, thats only expected, but a set Date - No! Bizzarre!
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 6:42:13 AM | I know that when I was young.......er.......lol sex was different it was just that SEX. Hey it was a way to show you liked someone....you were a "couple" etc...
BUT...now being a beautiful mature woman.... (smile) you gotta laugh.....or you'll cry !
Seriously tho........I'm single now and have been for awhile... I date but I don't have sex on a first date. When it's right then it's right..... you know what I find......the more feelings you have with the person.... the better the sex. It's a mutual thing..... of course "love" is the the best sex in the world...BUT... were all adults and sometimes just friendly caring feeling may be enough for intimacy...for some people.... ( I'm not tellin')
Anyways thats my 2 cents worth. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 9:22:18 AM | Sharon,
Like you, I don't typically do sex on the first date. Been there, done that...I want more now. I do convey this to my dates and some of them STILL try to get in my pants on day one which I don't understand because it only results in a swift kick to the curb.
If I want JUST SEX, I'm certainly not going to do it with some guy I just met. I'll make a call to someone I know is clean AND GOOD.
I do meet people all the time who feel it is both acceptable and who feel it isn't. It is definitely a matter of controversy. One that will never go competely one way or the other.
You gotta do what you're comfortable with. Different people are comfortable with different things. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 10:03:19 AM | I've just been reading and "listening" for awhile to this whole thing, and i'm just wondering what this whole dating thing has come to. i may be more bewildered than georgie is. you all write as if this is something that occurs all the time - sex on the first date... really? i guess i was sheltered too long.
most of the first dates i had were pre-1988, so maybe things were considerably different then. but from my perspective, having sex on the first date wouldn't even be on the table (pardon the pun). i'd feel honored if i just got a kiss at the end to acknowledge a pleasant evening, along with a desire to see me again!
well hey, it's the 21st century right! i suppose that it could happen - but for me, that'd definitely be in the lady's court to decide. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 11:45:36 AM | If one night stands are all you're into, and the other is willing go for it.
The men that contact me know I'm looking for a long term commitment.. My ad is very clear about that and the men that contact me say the same. I'm just not in a hurry is all.
I have been single since 1988 and I haven't died of boredom yet, nor from lack of sex.
To each his own, but don't expect me to take you seriously don't hit on me on the first date. Kiss my cheek, and ask if you can see me agian, if that's how you feel. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 12:10:38 PM | | Sex is a very complicated topic. I beleive there can be meaningful sex on the first date. It all depends. If sex is a very big part of the relationship you want to build and your in your thirties and don't want to waste time looking around sex can be a possibility. But then if your young, like me you want to explore a little. I know lots of guys who hit a home run on date #1 and have been with the same girl for a year and a half or more. Sex on the first date is mostly a matter of personal preferance. for me though i think i wouldn't want to have S.E.X. until after i know i like the chick, it has to be special. but then i also know guys that say if they go four dates without having sex there not wasting there money. this opens up a whole new span of quiestions. when do you have sex. i mean i understand it totally you dont want to sleep with a guy you don't even know thats just silly. but the second date is hardly better then the first. the third you guys are starting to feel more comfortable. But ok now what if the dates are really close together, or really far apart? I think all women should set a date where the man has to get laid, a reasonable one you know like say it was 5 dates and you get laid, the women could then go on four, get to know the guy and then determine if she wants to go on the fifth, and if she says yes the man could then look and say "yes this girl likes me" and if she dosent, pull ties before fifth, stop stringing the man along without a possibility of a relationship. in my opinion the girl needs to be treated with such care and respect that she would want to have sex by lucky number 5. And i don't want to have to wait until tedios date #96 to have sex. but all date should be speicial, so should sex. and if you don't feel sex is going to be speicial in a week or two after 5 then break ties. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 1:54:08 PM | As far as I am concerned, there is no reason to discuss Sex not only the FIRST Date, nor on ANY Date whatsoever, unless that is the reason, or an included option for meeting.
Real Mutual Attraction manifests itself in the Harmony of the Exchange, an Admiration and a genuine Interest in, and a desire to have the Person there before you. Immensely enjoying each others Company and a Sense of feeling closer and drawn to each other are the Signs the Atmosphere is on the right Track. In Fact, including Sex as a Topic in a Conversation totally kills the Mood and often causes a Feeling of Rebuke or Tension.
After that, everything falls into place by itself: Once the Momentum is in full Swing, one is physically & mentally drawn closer to each other and sometimes the Snowball won't stop rolling, until one or both of the parties pull the plug in an effort to recollect one's Sensibilities, or wake up together first thing in the Morning.
But asking for, or exerting any pressure on anyone for Sex - that has nothing to do with creating any meaningful relationship, nor any aspect in getting to know each other.
I recall 2 occasions where Sex Talk came to the Table, in both cases brought up by the Woman. After a few minutes of Intro Chit-Chat, she said she couldn't think straight because she hasn't had Sex in a very long Time and consumed her Thoughts for most of the Day. In both Instances, nothing more ever came out of it other than Sex. In fact, after Sex is when I realized there was nothing between us, and that left a sort of Out-Of-Character Feeling in Place.
Some people can get to know each other within a matter of a few hours, others can't even after Months of Dating. That's all in the Realm of the Mind.
Just my 2.2 cents... | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 3:41:48 PM | | hmmmm.... Ticket I have to admit I always like reading your posts. Too bad you live sooo far away....I'd love to sit with you and pick your brain. Anyways ....my friend....always a pleasure. J. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 3:47:47 PM | I agree, Ticket. When I met my husband for the first time I was already in love with him. I'd answered a newspaper ad, and we had talked on the telephone, we then lived 5 hours apart, for up to 14 hours every day. By the time we met, we knew almost everything about each other. That first meeting was like another date. Both of us agreed on the phone we wanted more than just sex with someone else, and we put a three month no sex agreement between us. This worked so beautifully that on the second weekend he came down, we both tossed that 3 month idea out the window and made love. I was so in love with him. That time invested on the phone was incredible. We married three months later, had three children, and were married for 14 years until his death. He was my soul mate.
I guess I should say something here, to explain why this is such an issue for me. I met a man, talked for a week on the telephone with him (nothing like the marathons my husband and I shared but still covered a lot of ground), but an hour after we met, in my home, this man raped me. This shattered me. This happened a year ago April. Yes, I charged him. He plead guilty, spent three months in jail and is now of probation. However, just the idea of trusting someone enough on the first date to make myself that vulerable is beyond me at this time. You see, I'd waited since 1988 to give myself to the next man I'd love with all my heart, and this stranger took that away from me. I've since taken my life back and realize this isn't the norm, but the exception. But I can't help thinking it's going to happen to someone else some day because they are so willing to make themselves vulerable.
Maybe this explains my stand on old fashioned values. Maybe I'm still frightened. I've been in couseling for over a year now and have made monumental strides in putting this event behind me, but I know that I know that I know... I'll never dish out until I'm as in love with him as he is with me. But again, that's my choice. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 3:49:01 PM | | Georgie, how long are you chatting with/getting to know these guys before agreeing to a date? I'm wondering, because it seems odd to me that they're so disrespectful. On a first date, there's a lot of non-verbal communication. I have NEVER been approached sexually (on a date, anyway) by a man that I wasn't giving some pretty strong signals to. There's harmless flirtation and charm, but then there are *those* signals that let people know how receptive you are sexually... or not. Maybe you could start asking the men who contact you how THEY feel about first date sex... or sex in general. Actually, that's a topic I bring up fairly early (a few weeks maybe) into our conversations. I just recently started talking online to a really nice guy that I was guessing I might eventually go out with, when we started talking about sex and I found out that he's bisexual. That's a deal killer for me, and I told him so. That's NOT something I want to find out about later. So maybe if you start bringing this stuff up, you'll be more likely to have first dates with men who share your values about sexuality. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 3:59:48 PM | Georgie - I hadn't read through to your last post when I wrote my previous. I don't know what to say, except that what happened to you was horrible. Three months and probation is ludicrous. I am so sorry, darlin'. Good for you for having the courage to do what you did, and for getting counseling for yourself. Huge, huge hugs to you.
Side note.... MANY dates must pass by before anyone ever gets in my home. I wouldn't go to theirs unless I already had in mind what I intended to happen. Everyone here probably knows about dating precautions... especially when meeting people online. It's just so worth it to take your time before deciding to meet, and being meticulously careful once you do. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 4:02:15 PM | | Good point. I've been setting a rule of talking frequently through emails or MSN for at least a few weeks before agreeing to meet. You can find out quite a bit that way. The guy that raped me talked with me every night on the phone for a week before we agreed to meet. He was to pick me up at my place and we were to go to supper, he had other ideas, apparently. Now I'm very cautious. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/26/2004 10:13:55 PM | lyons_angel: - Glad to hear you might have at least some minimal use for the Stuff I post. Pick my Brain? I have been picked on before, but not in that way ...(g) ... lol
Georgie, Re: Both of us agreed on the phone we wanted more than just sex with someone else, and we put a three month no sex agreement between us. We both tossed that 3 month idea out the window and made love. - Good that the agreement was mutual, however that can also backfire by taking the steam out of, or capping off the natural course of events of allowing the relationship to progress ahead and grow.
Just as an aside ... lol, for me, I will not Yak on the phone with anyone for any length of time for any reason whatsoever. I hate phones, I have tossed more ringing ones into the Ocean that any other person dead or alive. More than 5 minutes, attention wanders away, and I will gradually fall asleep. Obviously came with the job ... lol
I met a man, talked for a week on the telephone with him (nothing like the marathons my husband and I shared but still covered a lot of ground), but an hour after we met, in my home, this man raped me. - Truly sorry to hear that, but its starting to make sense, because you do have a real and actual reason to be concerned. There is no way to prevent that kind of thing, except to have the edge on the intuitive side, which hopefully serves us well in a crucial Time of Danger.
Rape victims often carry an additional heavy double-burden from both ends of the same Saga. On one hand, your concern for your safety and possible continuous attention on an incident of the past, on the other, the inadvertant Baggage of Fear that might come across on a Date that may prevent the gentleman from "tuning" in with you.
Further, there is also a definite possibility you might unknowingly over-react toward some advances as these may approximate aspects of the previous horror story. So, you have my sympathies, but at the same time, hopefully, its nothing more than a steeper Hill for you to climb.
darlingnada, Re: Maybe you could start asking the men who contact you how THEY feel about first date sex... or sex in general. - Good Point! Its always appreciated when someone honestly replies to an enquiry about their Sexual Orientation. Unfortunately, not everybody is that straightforward. Its very easy to conceal, and could years before one discovers he also has something for the same sex. If they tell you right away, then that's good, so you can move on to brighter Pastures.
Sexual Orientation could be one concern, but there may be many many more: Substance Abuse, Financial Mismanagement, Gambling Habits, Proffesional Players, Con Men, Criminals, Spousal Abusers, Bizzare Quirks - the list is almost endless.
Although gradually getting to know someone will to a large degree flush out the obvious shortcomings, one may be appalled to find out this or that sometime down the road, esp. if the other person thinks its quite OK to have a mistress on the side, or a half-hearted thirst for little Boys. One only needs to read the messages in these Forums to realize disappointment can strike at any given Moment.
That's why I go on the Basis of jumping right in, and always being prepared to have the carpet pulled out from underneath me. One will rarely ever hear me complain about such matters, but I have been hit with more Bullshit than most people could ever fathom over the course of their next 5 lifetimes. Nothing fazes me along this line anymore, in fact I don't even give it a split-second of thought - hope for the best, keep the spirits up, make the good times something to be remembered, fingers crossed, and at some point, it will all turn out OK. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/27/2004 7:22:22 AM | I'm a very lucky person, as I was a strong woman long before this insident happened. I have always been cautious in regards to who I meet, but this thread was a spawn out of other threads where so many defended the possition of sex on the first date is fine with them. If, at all, in my ramblings about taking things slower, being more cautious, pointing out danger areas, STD's, or whatever else I spew about (in good humor) I happen to cause one person to think perhaps I should get to know my date much better before allowing myself to be that vulerable, then a negative experience has been turned to possitive.
Even before this sad event, I was the kind of person who had old fashioned ideas and values. I had never before allowed a man to pick me up at my home to meet him for dinner, but my car was at the mechanics and would be out of commission for some time--so I bent my rules and look what it got me. One never knows another person on the first date. They could be a serial killer for all I know. Cons being cons they talk a good talk to get what they want. As Ticket said, "Although gradually getting to know someone will to a large degree flush out the obvious shortcomings, one may be appalled to find out this or that sometime down the road, esp. if the other person thinks its quite OK to have a mistress on the side, or a half-hearted thirst for little Boys. One only needs to read the messages in these Forums to realize disappointment can strike at any given Moment." This proves my point. Why volenteer to be hurt?
Ticket: Both of us agreed on the phone we wanted more than just sex with someone else, and we put a three month no sex agreement between us. We both tossed that 3 month idea out the window and made love. - Good that the agreement was mutual, however that can also backfire by taking the steam out of, or capping off the natural course of events of allowing the relationship to progress ahead and grow.
As you noticed I did say my husband and I threw the 3 month rule out the window when we both agreed it was time to bring that aspect into our relationship. But it served as something useful while it was in effect. Nothing is set in stone. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 10/28/2004 8:46:58 AM | | HEre is a good point. I have a woman friend who has been dating men from the Internet for some time now. Last night, she went to meet a fellow not far from here, when she stepped from her car the guy gave her the creeps. He kept stepping between her and the miserly light in the parking lot. When she said she'd made a mistake and turned to get into her car again, he grabbed her and pushed her against her car and hissed in her ear, "I'm sick of you Internet sluts leading me on!" and then began screaming at her. If it hadn't been for another couple arriving in the parking lot to go to the resturant, we both shudder to think what would have happened to her. | |
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