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M2k7
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Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 129 | |
| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/11/2007 1:23:45 PM | | To each their own. If you don't want to have sex on the first then don't, but there are adults that are mature enough to have sex and still maintain a relationship. You may not understand quantum physics, but it's still practiced. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/11/2007 10:44:22 PM | The thing I don't get is why sex on a first date should be equated with something sordid and fleeting.
I would not agree to meet anyone I did not envisage having a future with. Therefore the first meeting is preceded by considerable and intensive online communication, the sharing of photographs and hours of telephone calls. During this time I am refusing the advances of some fairly attractive men who live locally and who I could easily succumb to but DON'T 1)because i have self respect 2) i respect the person I am building up a rapport with on-line and even though i am climbing the walls with frustration I like having a clear conscience and believe that trust is crucial if true feelings are to have a chance of developing.
I met someone at the weekend who i had been making alot of long term plans with even though we had never met. Really it was more a sharing of dreams; but it was obvious we both wanted the same sort of things and had a great deal in common. He came to me insisting he would be a gentleman. I went to him thinking, 'I don't plan for anything to happen but if i really want to have sex I'm going to enjoy every delicious minute of it'. Consequently, i had the best sex of my life this weekend with a man who was a virgin up until the age of 30! (If anything, I felt a bit guilty for pressuring HIM!)
He genuinely seems to care for me and sounds very positive about us having a future together.
Alot of people here seem to strongly object to rushing things and being so full-on but that's just the way some people are and if you get two the same it's heaven! Yes, it is risky and does make us vulnerable but the success of a relationship does not depend on how slowly or quickly it begins, more on how sustainable it is, how much effort the two people involved are prepared to put into it.
Not all men are players and not all women are sluts just because they have sex on a first date. For some people, that 'first date' might literally be the first date in years! It is too easy to generalise and think ill of people, i suppose it is a form of social control/negative sanctioning, and, i suppose, common sense too, but in reality there are always exceptions, people who are not just out for what they can get and then on to the next one.
You can say what you want about sex on a first date but for me it was a profoundly moving and beautiful experience and I don't regret a thing.
Addendum: for those who want to have sex on a first date and have no honourable intentions or long term plans, that is THEIR CHOICE; as long as they don't deceive each other (or anybody else) and take precautions what difference does it make? Moral high grounds suck! | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/11/2007 10:57:17 PM | If I have to wait until our "first date" to have sex, then I'm outta there.
Some people know each other, and have greater chemistry (sexual and otherwise) with each other, at the end of their first "date" than some others who've been tepidly seeing each other every other Sunday for three months. The OP question, then, is framed in a loaded manner. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/12/2007 12:09:51 AM | Well, i honestly would be put off of a woman that offered herself to me on the first date, i admit, i would be tempted, but i prefer to take things nice and slow, there is no rush to get into bed.
After a few weeks to a couple of months, i would surely never refuse it. ;) | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/12/2007 12:45:27 AM |
Having sex on any date without being married is immoral, selfish, and stupid. Sex is for marriage
Pretty close minded huh. judge not lest ye be judged | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/12/2007 11:08:16 AM | | i say were both adults or at least old anough to be have clearly discussed what you want are open and honest with each other then ride the wave to where ever it takes you | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/12/2007 8:49:32 PM | damned right bella.. Pity that hardly anyone else sees it that way, would do an awful lot to cut the STD rates etc..
Personally, I like to match the values of the women i meet.. Which means I will usually haev sex with them if they are willing..
But, if a relationship develops after, i will always hold it against them that they were so easy..
You simply dont know someone for literally months.. If not years..
Years of easy sex has done things to my mind that pretty much have made it impossible for me to have a normal sort of sexual relationship now..
I should be a warning to others, easy sex is addictive and damaging to hopes of long term relationships not seeming dull..
The thrill of the chase etc..
Ultimately, a route to loneliness..
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/13/2007 5:59:50 AM | | From a male point of view, I have to say that it is easier to turn an intimate encounter into a relationship, than it is to turn a series of dates into intimacy. Honesty is men owning up to the fact that we all want sex, and want to do as little as possible to get it. Women want sex just as much as men do, they just don't want to be treated like whores. And, let's be honest, sexual compatibility is a big factor in the success of a relationship. There is no 'reasonable timetable' for establishing trust, and those who set one are lying to themselves. There's risk involved in every aspect of life, so be prepared to deal with it. Bearing in mind that you don't just sleep with anyone, but seek out women that you are attracted to on a certain level, determining sexual compatibility early on just makes sense to me. As long as the two adults involved agree to be mature, safe and responsible, hang-ups be damned, I say... | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/13/2007 6:32:53 AM | I think that being too physical too soon can jeopardize getting to know the person. The reason that it is easier to turn an intimate encounter into a relationship is because there are all sorts of hard wired attachments that come with sex. (Though in some people these are turned off.)
I don't want to become mentally attached to a person before I find out for sure that I am, in fact, interested.
We can talk online or on the phone (though I prefer an instant messenger program with voice-com, I only own a cell phone right now), but that isn't really knowing a person. I know for a fact that I'm a great deal better at expressing myself in writing than I am with actual verbal communication. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/13/2007 6:55:52 AM | WOW!
OP, your mentality is why you're lacking the understanding.
You see first off, the problem with people (especially the older they get) is that they've trained themselves to look at things from one perspective only. The perspective they're become used to. The one they're trained themselves with all their lives.
Black is Black, White is White, never the twain shall meet (no Grey areas).
It is ONLY when you allow yourself to be able to "step out of the box", will you truly be able to see/understand things in different perspectives.
Now secondly, look at how you see things.
Why would anyone allow someone they’ve just meant to use their body that way <---------THIS IS THE PROBLEM MANY WOMEN HAVE. THAT EXACT MENTALITY/OUTLOOK TOWARDS SEX.
I'm highlighting on one specific word you mentioned and that is "USE".
Is that to mean that anytime YOU engage in sex with someone it is them ONLY that is receiving pleasure from it?
THEY are the only one benefiting from it's health benefits?
Basically THEY are using you and you have nothing to gain from it?
That's the way you make it sound. As a matter of fact that's how women make it sound when they speak (write) like you do!
You have no clue who this stranger is, if they are lying to you, if they have a criminal history, or perhaps even prone to be abusive, married, a player? It takes time to know someone that well and to decide they are trustworthy.
LIFE IS FULL OF UNCERTAINTY!
You will NEVER have 100% certainty in life. That I can guarantee you.
Any of us can lose our job at any time, become severely ill at any time, pass away at anytime, ANYTHING can happen. You have to first acknowledge that.
Yes, you're right you have no clue who the stranger you're dating is until you get to know them; but then HOW WELL DO YOU EVER know someone?
Take a look around you, pick up a newspaper and read, watch the news, or documentaries on people.
I've seen stories of people that have been together for 10-20+ years and then one day something snapped and the wife killed the husband or vise-versa.
Ok, I know I've gone off on a tangent somewhat and will try not to scare you in my further writing but I'm trying to open you eyes and your mind towards certain things. Not necessisarily relating to sex or even dating; just life in itself.
Now back to the topic of sex.
The act of sex, human sexuality/sensuality/love are some of the greatest gifts and emotions mother nature has given us. Heck, if it were not for any of the aformentioned, none of us would even exist; nor would we be able to procreate!
So why is it that (some) women look at sex in such a negative manner? Especially considering it's one of the most healthy activities people can engage in!
That's one thing that boggles my mind.
You'd think that in this era, people (women) would have evolved out of that caveman mentality and have learned that sex is something to be embraced and enjoyed. Not something scorned.
One problem is women equating sexual intimacy with love.
Yes it can be so, but that's not always the case now is it?
There's nothing wrong with sex between consenting adults. If both parties are in the mood for some "fun"; hey all the power to them. Just be safe and smart about it!
The dating process can be a very long and tedious one. Who knows when the next time you will actually get into a long-term relationship with one of your dates is going to be. It could be next week, next month or even years from now. There's no reason someone should be depriving himself, (or herself) and abstaining from sex for that time period just because they haven't found the "right one" (unless they WANT TO, wanting to and having to are to different things).
Take those that at 30, or 40 and have never been married. Add to that, abstinance until marriage! Those people will have that many years pass by them as they waited for "the right one". What a shame. What if they never find that "right one"?
They will have deprived themselves all those years.
I don't know. In my opinion:
North Americans are wayyy too hung up and uptight about sex.
They make it seem to be such a big deal. Especially women who make it out to be such a taboo subject many times and something that should only be for two people in love. Well you know what?
Hold out until you're in love. (which God only knows when AND IF that will happen)
Deprive yourself of one of nature's most pleasurable and HEALTHIEST activities people can participate in.
Sex is not just pleasurable but a very healthy act/exercise and has been know to extend one's lifespan when done on a constant basis.
HERE, DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR AND DO SOME READING:
http://www.forbes.com/2003/10/08/cz_af_1008health.html
http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/11/24/1069522534820.html
http://english.pravda.ru/main/18/90/360/15833_sex.html
some interestng (and very informative) stuff!
People need to let loose more and be more liberated I say. They'd enjoy life (and a lack of stress) a whole lot more. Hell they'd live healthier lives too.
(I'm not saying these benefits would come just from having more sex, but also from the state of mind being more relaxed and liberated)
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/13/2007 7:13:20 AM | I dont know if thats always true, I went out with a girl once we met at the bar 2 nights before didnt do anything talked for about 30 minutes. I called her up about 2 days later and asked her out. We went on our first date and had sex afterwards. It was great we both had an awsome time, after that we dated and went out for almost a year and a half.
I guess it really depends on who you are. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/13/2007 8:28:18 AM | We can talk online or on the phone (though I prefer an instant messenger program with voice-com, I only own a cell phone right now), but that isn't really knowing a person. I know for a fact that I'm a great deal better at expressing myself in writing than I am with actual verbal communication.
Ok first let me start off by telling you I know exactly what you mean. I'm the same way (better at expressing myself in writing than verbally).
However I'm a very outgoing person too, and find many people waste time. Life's too short. I can't believe how things have gotten. People seem to rather be attached to their computers, cell phones and pda's instead of with each other in person.
I was listening to something on 640am radio last year and they were having a discussion. According to studies people's circles have friends have grown smaller from what things were like say 10 years ago. Technology has made us grow apart from one another instead of growing closer. That's why dating sites for example are so popular.
People are more lonely now than ever before.
Instead of meeting people face to face it's all e-mail, text messages, instant messages and talking in chat rooms. We've grown apart from one another and it's sad. I remember when I was in my late teens and used to be on this telephone chat line I used to meet ALOT of people from there. Try going on now and see what the success rate is like. Even if all you're looking for are new friends!
People seem to be more weary of meeting face-to-face than they used to be.
People exchange msn and yahoo messenger addresses to communicate and meet others all the time but see how many people they've actually met out of all the many names they may had added throughout the years.
It's pretty sad.
Like seriously. Who would rather sit at home and be on a computer when they could be meeting the people they communicate with on here?
If at the very least even if two people meet and there is no attraction they could just develop a new friendship. It could be someone to hang out with from time to time and go see a movie with, go drinking with, play pool, dinner, or whatever.
Then people wonder why they're single and can't meet the right guy or girl. How's that supposed to happen if they don't go out there and make it happen?
Just my 2 cents; and no that's not directed towards anyone specific.
I'm just speaking in general. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/13/2007 8:30:20 AM | The idea of having sex on the first date makes me squeamish, plain and simple. I think for myself it would be an empty and hollow experience, and not one I would try. Although being a little younger, I prefer to take things very slow, glacial, as one person put it. However, waiting until a later time to have sex is also no guarantee that the other person will prove to be trustworthy either, since some are simply more patient in "stalking their prey" than most . I had dated one person like this years ago. I think it boils down to what one is looking for: intensity   or intimacy    .
Interestingly enough, the latest edition of Cosmo magazine laying around suggested waiting one month before having sex, mostly for the reason that both partners tend to get caught up in all the intensity and don't see the other person objectively, then later things go sour. I'd personally wait much longer myself, but it is up to each individual to decide, depending upon his/her comfort levels and all the rest. If one feels it would violate their personal code of ethics and leave you feeling bad about yourself, then don't do it, plain and simple. If you feel the need to fit yourself into a mold that does not fit you, then it is guaranteed for failure.
OP: This forum made for some interesting reading, and I'm sure, touched some raw nerves, mine included, but thank you for having the guts to post this. | |
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Jemue
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Joined: 1/26/2005
Msg: 144 | |
| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/13/2007 8:55:01 AM | As with many things, each to their own ..... it's a personal choice that two people make.
If two people make the same decision, then that’s up to them. Whatever that decision is. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/13/2007 5:15:09 PM | Seems this is one of those new fangled relativist threads Just because two people both decide something is ok that makes it right?! Frankly I don't care what they do but the arguement that everything is personal choice and basic moral values are relative is why we're in such a social mess.
The existance of PoF is a case in point, why would we all need such a service if the world was functioning so well?
I'm not religious I'm not a prude but sometimes people should stop and think about what defines us as different from any other animal...
The alternative view of course is men especially players have never had it so good! | |
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Jemue
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Joined: 1/26/2005
Msg: 148 | |
| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2007 11:55:34 AM |
Frankly I don't care what they do but the arguement that everything is personal choice and basic moral values are relative is why we're in such a social mess.
Morals are a choice, as well as that which you personally feel is right.
People and society have to evolve beyond being constantly told what to do and how to live. Individuals can make their own choices, within rules to allow us to function as a group of course (law etc), not though a moral hindrance driven by guilt.
Guidance offered yes, Morals and beliefs for fed by guilt and out dated institutions, no. (i.e. the division of state and church that should exist and doesn’t in many countries).
I don't believe we are in a social mess, change always has its fall out as we find a new way or evolve the existing.
The existance of PoF is a case in point, why would we all need such a service if the world was functioning so well?
Convince of technology and evolution; This has nothing to do with the demise of other ways of meeting or interacting, I and billions of others still function socially that way.
This is just more convenient and a good starting place to start many more connections though out life. | |
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| I just don't get it -- sex on the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2007 12:57:57 PM | I think you can make a serious relationship even if you were intimate on the first date. My ex and I were together for 16 yrs...not bad. Hell in this day and age some of the guys I have met don't even want to take me out on the first date...lol. Of course, they don't get to meet me either.
Sometimes the chemistry is there and the time is right. Doesn't mean it happens everytime they go out on the first date with someone though. | |
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