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 1simplyamy
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 26
Sticky SituationPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
**** ooops typo . . . underdog get the steak
 afinger
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 27
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/9/2009 11:26:09 PM
You know if you're the one that tells him, his reply is going to be "I'm so sorry, I wish I could stop, but it's something doc said I was stuck with the rest of my life!

Bring your swimmies.
 blondindian
Joined: 10/6/2009
Msg: 28
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History
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 6:20:58 AM
What ever happened to just telling the truth instead of evading it and saying whats on your mind being as eloquent and considerate as one can be of the others feelings and sure its going to be awkward for a bit but if you felt a connection otherwise and as you said you were sure he wasnt aware of the situation wouldnt you repect the common decency for someone to tell you what was aggravating them or as stated a medical reason for this occurance and then go from there and if it did work out it would end up being one of those quirky little stories about first dates later down the road
 BonnieTy
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 29
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 7:21:24 AM
ROFLMBO!!!!!!! That is too funny!!! I'm sorry for you, having to go through it, but - oh man!!! Sorry; can't stop laughing!!

Didn't he notice you wiping your face, and more than once?!!

I understand that you wanted to be polite, but girl - you need to speak up!! And I'm sure you could find a gentle, tactful way of doing so. Now, myself - I would've said, as I was wiping off the spit - "Hey, man - you're spitting on me!" Sorry; I'm straight to the point. Life's too short to not be honest.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 30
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History
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 8:28:00 AM
Keep one of those little c o c k t a i l umbrellas handy and twirl it in front of your mouth whenever he speaks. When he asks you why you're doing that, you can tell him.
 pnut mnms
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 31
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 4:45:38 PM
Tell him in a diplomatic way and on future dates remember to:

- Always be on top, in bed.
- Never stand upwind of him.
- And carry a tiny spritz bottle as reinforcement whenever he forgets.
 forumologist
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 32
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 5:37:39 PM
Cute, decent, interested in you - that's not easy to find.

I would call him and break it to him gently. Tell him he's cute and decent and although you hate to hurt his feelings you have to tell him. See how he reacts. If he's decent about it that's a bonus. If it doesn't help the situation you lost nothing and gave it your all.

Do it and come back and tell us how it went.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 33
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 7:25:23 PM
So, here is what happened....
I told my co-worker to ask him how the date went. If he says he liked me tell him I liked him too and then as nicely as you can tell him about the spitting.

I just got a phone call from her.

She called him and asked him, how did you guys get along?

It went well, but let me ask you. Does your friend(ME) drinks lot of coffe?

She said, no, she doesn't.

Does she drink diet coke?

She again said, no. Why?

He said:
I did like her but I don't think I'm going to ask her out on a second date.

She asked , Why?

He goes: She might have a drug problem you don't know about.


Why do you say that?

He said: Because she was very fidgety. Much more than most.
She seemed unable to sit still, maybe she has ADD?

She kept quiet.

He continued saying, how it seemed I could not concentrate on just being there.
I had all these nervous twitches, wiping my face and arms with a napkin, shifting on my seat, crossing legs, leaning , etc.
That maybe It was because I was so nervous to meet him I was moving around like crazy.
He said that was making him nervous and that I seemed very nice but he wanted someone more like him.
He said to her: I can't believe you work with her and you never noticed these things???

OMG!



We were laughing so hard!
She said, she didn't see the need to tell him anything anymore.
He asked her to (smart man delegating) tell me it had been nice meeting me but he wasn't going to call me.
To tell me "we just were NOT a good match"

So, not only he doesn't get many second dates, but he disqualifies the ones that are trying to dodge the spit.

C'est la vie!!
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 34
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 7:59:59 PM
OP, I'm glad you are free of him. However, I guess I'm failing to realize why it is better that he thinks you are some sort of crack addict instead of just telling him the truth.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 35
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Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 8:59:02 PM

So, not only he doesn't get many second dates, but he disqualifies the ones that are trying to dodge the spit.


I think you would be doing both of you a favor if you got his e-mail address and told him candidly that the reason you were fidgety was because he was spitting on your cheeks and lips as he was conversing with you, and that you were absolutely mortified and didn't know how to address the situation as you were desperately trying to avoid getting doused with his salivary excretions.

He accused you of having a mental disorder (ADD) so at this point, I wouldn't be at all concerned about hurting his feelings.
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 36
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 9:03:15 PM
He accused you of having a mental disorder (ADD) so at this point, I wouldn't be at all concerned about hurting his feelings.

Actually, he was saying that she was acting as if she had ADD. Frankly, she was probably acting like she had ADD - if you didn't know how she really felt, what are you suppose to think. That kind of stuff can happen when you don't tell others the truth right off the bat: misperceptions at their finest.

The games that we play ...
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 37
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History
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 9:17:35 PM
Well, maybe so, but if I were in her galoshes, I'd be hesitant to tell him the truth right off the bat. He might get mad and that could start an embarrassing public argument, or worse yet, he could get violent.
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 38
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 9:27:30 PM
I'm thinking that the "get violent", and frankly the "embarassing public argument," scenarios is a little extreme. However, I agree that he may be upset to hear such news - but that is why most people mention that you do it TACTFULLY.

It's like being with a person that has an open zipper. Most people are going to be upset and a little embarassed that you tell them that they had an open zipper. However, deep down inside they appreciate that you let them know of the situation - you saved them from embarassing themselves further. And at the very least, they didn't have to watch you squirm wondering what was wrong because you felt embarassed to be with a man with an open zipper but were too afraid to bring it up.

The key is being able to communicate with your date. Maybe there is more to this, but I'm not seeing why this is such a mountain - it looks to me like a molehill. However, I do like to keep things simple and direct.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 39
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 9:48:58 PM
I go by what I see with my brother and my male friends.

He says he wants to know, but then when he is told by a date, he turns it around, and finds faults on her.
How dare her say he has crazy hair, she was on the chubby side etc.

I have male friends, every time something has been brought to their attention by someone who is dating them, they come to dinner and discuss, how un-perfect those people who told them are.
Things like:
You wear your pants about 6 sizes bigger than what you need to be wearing
Your black nail polish is a little scary to me, etc.
Why did you carve your name in the back of your head?

I'm honest and direct with those who are close to me.
However I do not think is my place to go around telling people I hardly know what is it that they should change to make themselves more "marketable".
Specially when I do not know that person and probably will never see him again.

He didn't even want to see me again because he though I was too nervous (or on crack)
What if I was the one with the water works coming out of my mouth?
Do you think he would had given me a chance? No second date either.
I don't think.
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 40
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History
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 10:42:44 PM
I would tell him just to spare other women from the slobber showers.

 outdoorsgirl2
Joined: 7/25/2009
Msg: 41
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/10/2009 11:55:12 PM

my co-worker is already asking how it went


I think he needs to know and you should communicate it to him.

Personally, I have had to tell people things like that and it makes me uncomfortable. I email them later and sandwich the comment between two affirmations.
 BonnieTy
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 42
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/11/2009 4:37:16 AM
OP, you are an ADULT, not a child. You need to clear the air with him, not have a go-between do the dirty work. If you're not adult enough to face the outcome, why are you looking to date? Makes no sense. Why is it so hard to confront him and tell him the truth? What if he goes around and spreads that you are a crackhead to possible future dates? You may never get another chance to date in your area... Clear the air, then move on. It's not hard and it won't kill you!
 1simplyamy
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 43
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/11/2009 5:12:03 AM
Inquiring minds had to read the update: I was hoping it would read contact with friends made "spiting date" informed of problem & seeking medical dental attention. . .
Never in a million years, did I expect to see ForumFishie with ADD , on or needing drugs or caffeine or that you're the one with a problem.

Before that post I did write, handle this situation "how you feel most comfortable".
But as your good nature and character are being "slandered" the truth of his medical problem needs to be addressed. It's not your fault that you had to "dodge spit".
Hello, in this day and age, all of us are aware of the dangers of contact with bodily fluids (not are own).
 pnut mnms
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 44
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/11/2009 5:46:10 AM
I think this guys needs to be told of his problem. If he was honest with himself he is probably aware that anyone who is in close proximity of him acts like they have ADD, too. I don't know how you go about it now without getting into a "Well, you did THIS....!" scenario but I would suggest sending an email about how much you enjoyed his company....except for the fact that you felt he spits when he talks.

I used to work with a woman, "Jean", who used to have the most horrible dragon breath in the world. She was gorgeous and smart. But she used to complain that guys rarely kissed her goodnight on dates. One day her boss, "Susan", who was tired of hearing her dating complaints in the lunch room had an honest talk with "Jean" about her breath. "Susan" asked "Jean" if she ever noticed that people took a step away from her when she talked. "Jean" said yes but she assumed it was because she wore too much perfume. "Susan" told "Jean" that it was her breath that was the problem and that even their clients commented on it. "Jean" was mortified but went to her dentist to remedy her problem. Thanks to "Jean" the dental floss, tongue scraper, mouth wash and tooth brush companies will never go out of business.

 zephyrmoon1
Joined: 9/25/2009
Msg: 45
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/11/2009 10:44:27 AM

He continued saying, how it seemed I could not concentrate on just being there.
I had all these nervous twitches, wiping my face and arms with a napkin, shifting on my seat, crossing legs, leaning , etc.

That is priceless. And here we were, all worried about hurting his feelings!!

Ssssufferin' ssssuccotash!!
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 46
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/11/2009 11:03:10 AM
Ssssufferin' ssssuccotash!! lol

OMG! I was laughing, I actually didn't take offense.
It's just hilarious how oblivious he is of his condition.

The man is 35 years old, you might think, someone, anybody, would had told him before.

But you guys are right, I should say something.

Perhaps I'll send him an e-mail informing him of his condition.

I'll do is as a Public Service.
 trucmuche04
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 47
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/11/2009 6:06:00 PM
I think you're coward. If he's oblivious to it, he's oblivious : nobdy tells him, he'll never know! If I talk with someone, be it a girl or whatever, and I see that she has a booger, something stuck in her teeth, toilet paper stuck in her shoe, etc (you get the idea) well I tell her!

Just think about this old principle : treat others like you would like to be treated. If I was spitting on people, had bad breath or had anything else about me that was disturbing to others, I would like to be told. Maybe I'd feel embarrassed at the moment, but I still certainly would be thankful.
 ooobaby 01
Joined: 10/14/2009
Msg: 48
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/11/2009 6:31:45 PM
I got the cobra spray today at work from my buddy......it was funny actually because earlier in the day I did a cobra while talking to him (and it isn't an S thing, it was a 'weather' thing. It was below -20 out so I guess my mouth was freezing and trying to talk took more effort on my muscles and bada boom bada bang) anyways when it happened I grabbed my mouth and laughed saying sorry *blushing* then later he did it while chatting it up on our next break. I jumped back so fast doing the matrix that I was lucky enough to evade the attack. I just laughed at him making a joke that he was getting me back and it didn't make me feel so DUMB for doing it earlier....*as I wipe sweat off the forehead* hahahaha

However meeting a stranger that cobra'd on ya constantly during a dinner is just nasty. I think i'd rather smell bad breath then taste someone's spit ewwwwwwwwwwww I hope to gawd I am never faced with that choice! But at least you can offer the person a few breath mints as opposed to asking for your food to be brought in a take out container so that your food is covered. Although that is a good option if you really wanted to stick around to hear what they had to say during the eating part!!
 1simplyamy
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 49
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/12/2009 6:27:57 AM
"Ssssufferin' ssssuccotash!! "

As I read that, and now that we aren't being so sensitive to the situation . . . there are a whole lot of words I could sssssspell with S, but with that much of a problem any words will get you "showered". And speaking of showered maybe if things had worked out we could have all pitched in and got you a "dating umbrella" or "sneeze gaurd like the have in "buffet style" restaurants
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 50
Sticky Situation
Posted: 12/12/2009 7:04:26 AM
OP, answering the following:

I'm honest and direct with those who are close to me.
However I do not think is my place to go around telling people I hardly know what is it that they should change to make themselves more "marketable".
Specially when I do not know that person and probably will never see him again.


You see, this is where I agree and disagree to some regard. I agree that you are not "responsible" for telling anyone anything - we're all just responsible for our own lives. The thing is this, and this is where I disagree: we should act just out of human compassion.

Dating is not the easiest of acts and is bound by miscommunication. Anything that we can do to help the other is a bonus, and definitely keeps you away from the "head games" of trying to figure out what the other is thinking - especially if our date is feeling uncomfortable. My god, the last thing we as guys want to do is date a woman who is not having a good time.

Frankly, this kind of activity reminds me of dating a girl in high school. Treating guys like crap because other guys have treated you like crap? My gosh, how does retribution in the dating world help you in any regard? If you're tearing people down all of the time and looking at the world in a cynical eye, you'll never find anyone since we all have a bad side to us. There is no such thing as perfection.

For example, I'm trying to find a woman that is strong enough to come forward to note when she is in discomfort during a date, compassionate enough to say it in a tactful manner, and does it not because society dictates that she does or that she thinks it is a "public service" to do it but because deep down inside it is among her scruples. What do I offer in return? The same.


He didn't even want to see me again because he though I was too nervous (or on crack)
What if I was the one with the water works coming out of my mouth?
Do you think he would had given me a chance? No second date either.
I don't think.


No one is saying that you should have done a second date. We're not saying you have to marry the dude. We're just saying that you treat others as you would like to be treated - and if I dare say, sometimes even better. For example, I agree with the previous post:

f he's oblivious to it, he's oblivious : nobody tells him, he'll never know! If I talk with someone, be it a girl or whatever, and I see that she has a booger, something stuck in her teeth, toilet paper stuck in her shoe, etc (you get the idea) well I tell her!

Just think about this old principle : treat others like you would like to be treated. If I was spitting on people, had bad breath or had anything else about me that was disturbing to others, I would like to be told. Maybe I'd feel embarrassed at the moment, but I still certainly would be thankful.


You mentioned previously about flipping the situation. So lets do so: Let's say during the evening, you having a great night, but for some reason you have a huge piece of food stuck in your teeth. You can't feel it, but everyone that comes up to you sees that you have it, and frankly it makes you look disgusting.

Let's say you have the option of being on the date with either of these two guys:

Guy A: He notices it, but tells you right away I a very diplomatic way, "You have something stuck to your front teeth." He realizes that you might be embarassed at first, but in the long run you'll be thankful to know so you can remedy the situation.

Guy B: He notices it, but thinks of all of the times that he has been hosed by women in the past. Then he thinks to himself, "You know, it's not my responsibility to tell her." However, he feels awkward throughout the rest of the night, especially when the waiter rolls his eyes in the air as he walks away from you since he can't believe that a woman could look so disgusting. And let's not go into the awkwardness of the whole situation when your boss came over to your table to say, "Hi,": with that look of missing teeth, you're definitely set for promotion and it's definitely going to be a great story around the office. Anyways, he thinks, "I'm not going to date her a second time, so I won't think about it anymore." Well, except for one thing: I can create a thread about the experience on a dating site. And I can do my public service of telling her *after* the date is complete.

So tell me, with everything else being equal, which guy do you want to date? Why?

edit: And for the record, a big thanks to women like outdoorsgirl2 and others that have said that they would tell the guy during the date. Sometimes when you sit on this side of the fence you wonder, but it is very refreshing to see that there are women that aren't afraid to show compassion in a situation like this.
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