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 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 301
Taking his name....? Page 13 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

Ah yes. The bible. Would that be the same bible that says you should kill your children if they disobey? Or that condones the rape of young virgin girls?


why does someone have to go ballistic every time something biblical is referred to ...I was in no way preaching ..like it or not the bible does say something about just about everything there fore is relevant... to this discussion ... I did not say that because the bible said it was right .. I simply said that it is my opinion that the bible got this one right ...it is also my opinion that people who jump at every chance to damn every mention of anything said in the bible ...minimize their argument as much as the ones that preach that every word in it is above approach or question
 Blairzy
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 302
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History
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/14/2009 6:28:56 PM

The concept of creating a NEW family seems to be long gone.


But when you take a husband's last name, you aren't 'creating a new family'... You're adding yourself to his family. The proper way to create a 'new' family would be to combine your last names into a new surname, or create a new surname that you both share...
 outofthedesert
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 303
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/14/2009 6:43:52 PM
I have pitched some thoughts in this thread, to, but a funny thought just struck me...........the majority of us are't comtemplating marriage, heck we aren't even dating so what difference does it make...........it is certianly not a question any of us are going to have to answer anytime soon.........................
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 304
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/14/2009 7:06:15 PM
What exactly does this have to do with name changing? You don't honestly believe that just because a woman changes her name will make her more faithful,committed too and serious about your marriage. Here in this divorce wasteland it seems a rather foolish thing to say.


what it has to do with name changing is simply MY OPINION and the reason for MY OPINION .. just like others have given for theirs

this whole thread is about opinions ..nothing more .. I am not trying to change any ones mind ... the OP asked opinions ..you have yours (which I read and considered with interest ) i have mine which you called foolish ... which concept is foolish???
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 305
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History
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/14/2009 7:58:43 PM
Ok I have found the solution!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31994977/ns/today-today_relationships/

There problem solved.

 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 306
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/14/2009 8:12:56 PM

But when you take a husband's last name, you aren't 'creating a new family'... You're adding yourself to his family. The proper way to create a 'new' family would be to combine your last names into a new surname, or create a new surname that you both share...


This is a good point too. Anyone care to comment? Of course, some on here have claimed that hyphens are snotty. LOL.
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 307
The op is trolling his own thread.... lmaopmpalsm!
Posted: 12/14/2009 8:23:08 PM

I have pitched some thoughts in this thread, to, but a funny thought just struck me...........the majority of us are't comtemplating marriage, heck we aren't even dating so what difference does it make...........it is certianly not a question any of us are going to have to answer anytime soon.........................


I'd safely and happily bet all of my fishy points that 90% of the posters questioning or arguing the tradition took their ex's name at marriage. 9% are from another country/continent and only 1% are the real deal.

What exactly does this have to do with name changing? You don't honestly believe that just because a woman changes her name will make her more faithful,committed too and serious about your marriage. Here in this divorce wasteland it seems a rather foolish thing to say.

What part of that quote is it that I missed?

The first few sentences where it talks about how some handle the "name" issue?
The part where they could actually agree with a compromise?
Or was it because he said any woman getting to know "him" would know that this is an issue they would have to have in common to even get to that point?
Nope can't be either one of those. Hmmm
Or was it the part about if "either" partner declares their independence?

So what part of that post did you see that I didn't? I saw the words "people" and "either" when it referred to anyone or thing in general...

But no shet though!
 Michaelann
Joined: 9/11/2004
Msg: 308
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/14/2009 8:23:55 PM

I like my name. It's my name. Those are are my reasons. - dawn1114


Thank you dawn1114, for a sensible post. I had to take my 1st husband's name, due to the fact that in
1977 the husband's permission was required in Ontario, for a woman to keep her own name. If I'd
been smart, I would've seen the writing on the wall (control freak!!)

Up intil 1985, married woman in BC who chose to kee their name, could not pass it on to their
children. Thank goodness for the changes neccessitated by the new Canadian Constitution!

My oldest son (& my grandchildren) have my last name. My 2nd son has his Dad's name. Respectful
& fair to both parents. Logical, even. When I married hubbie #4, he chose to take my name, rather than
have the same compromise as my last husband did.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Now I'm not even going to reply to those asking about why he won't take her last name, and mainly because I find that to be one of the most juvenile ways to avoid the issue. - ~The Rock Man~

Why should he expecxt her to something he would be unwilling to do himself? That sounds both
unfair & illogical.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He has made it clear that they will not get married if she doesn't take his name and leaves it at that. She is the one with the issues here.

Clearly he is the one with issues, issues of control. He must always have everything his own way.
Although upon reading more of this thread, I do find it strange that she's willing to let her chilrden
from a previous marriage take his name, but doesn't want to herself. I don't see the logic in that
& I had originally thought you were referring to her maiden name. Very strange, indeed.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Names are kind of funny - they're intrinsically tied up with one's sense of identity, who they are, and who they want to appear to be. I've had 3 of 5 siblings deliberately change their first name because it didn't portray who they felt they were: one brother, from Kerry to Chris (in grade 1; Kerry was a "girl's name"); my sister, from Peggy to Margaret (people take a woman named "Margaret" more seriously than one named "Peggy"); another sister, from Julie to Jewel (and yes, a sweet person in many ways but she does have a slight "entitlement" attitude).

When I was born, I was given my bio father's last name. When I was adopted later on, I suddenly had a new surname - I wasn't consulted at all, my feelings about it were completely ignored. When I got married, there was no question in anyone's mind that I'd just take my husband's last name. My last name has ceased to have anything to do with me or my identity; I use my first name as my identity, the last name attached with no importance or meaning. Stated somewhat simply, it felt as if the way in which my name got changed - based on what OTHER people wanted, made me feel powerless. I coped by simply ejecting any sense of attachment to my last name. However, someone else in similar situation might react by deciding that THIS is their name, their identity, and they're just not going to change it.

Whether that has anything with your friends, I have no clue. But, if I decided to dig in my heels about a name change due to marriage, it'd be bound up with maintaining my identity. - pro-filer

I can SO agree with this, identity issues can be very complex & important. I changed my first &
middle names as a young woman. I do not want to change my last name, ever again. My last boy
friend had issues with this, which I do not really get, as we are way past having children(ours are
both grown) & I was not asking him to take mine.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


So how many women in this thread would not take a new husbands name? - ~The Rock Man~

No, I would not. And I would not be upset, if he wants to keep his. After all, it is HIS name. & his
right to do so. Perhaps this is your friend's issue. He doesn't like the idea that she has rights.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 309
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/14/2009 9:34:00 PM
So how many women in this thread would not take a new husbands name? - ~The Rock Man~


I would have to REALLY like his last name to take it, since I am very fond of my own. I have had too much fun w/ my last name to easily give it up now(Hathcock would be a possibility-LOL). I have also paid my dues to carry my last name. It's not a matter of my committment to a relationship with a guy, or my love/respect for him. Those things would have to be in place BEFORE I would consider marrying him in the first place. A ring, some vows, and a legal document should not change how I feel about my committment to a person. Neither should something like a name. If he feels as much respect, committment and love towards me to ask me to spend life legally bound to him, he should also be willing to discuss in a rational fashion my decision. What if I said that him not changing his name to mine was a sign of his lack of committment/fidelity to me? Or that his unwillingness to do so shows his lack of love/etc to me? And I am not being immature, I am trying to understand why there is so little "bend" in this idea. I have yet to see answer here. "Tradition" is not an answer, nor quoting the bible. I want to see the reasoning/logic behind why so many men are opposed to a woman not taking their name, or unwillingness to take her name.


I'd safely and happily bet all of my fishy points that 90% of the posters questioning or arguing the tradition took their ex's name at marriage. 9% are from another country/continent and only 1% are the real deal.


Interesting statistics, care to show the math behind it?

For the record I have had 2 men that wanted to take MY last name, but they lacked in the other areas I considered neccessary for marriage(fidelity among the main reason).

To the post below, for many it has NOTHING to do w/ feminism, it has to do w/ individuals. Stop blaming some non-tradiotional views on such a narrow basis.
 TxWheels
Joined: 12/17/2006
Msg: 310
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/14/2009 9:36:05 PM
The women who refuse to take their husband's last name are feminist extremists who apparently think that by taking their husband's last name would take away from their individuality.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 311
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/15/2009 3:35:30 AM
When my brother got married he and his wife and her children from her first marriage changed their last name to a hyphenated one- (their last name which was her maiden name since she had taken it back and changed the boys last name to her maiden name-and my brother's last name) All my friends say this is weird and some say it seems wimpy on his part, but seems to work okay for them as a family.
 outofthedesert
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 312
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/15/2009 4:04:44 AM
I can see both sides of this question, however


The women who refuse to take their husband's last name are feminist extremists who apparently think that by taking their husband's last name would take away from their individuality.


The men who think that women who refuse to take their husband's ' last name are control extremists apparently think that by the woman failing to take his last name it will take away from his individuality and is actually more concerned how it looks to others and is insecure in him masculinity.

I know a couple who created a third name to use instead of either last name to show a true joining of coupledom. Lots of ideas come to mind. 1st half of one and 2nd half of the other or an anagram of the letters.

Depends on his last name -----Lots of names, I would not care for, some I think are beautiful. Depends on how we feel about our current last name. I was adopted late in life and that makes my surname very special to me. I hated my married name, no one pronounced it correctly and near the end it became an identification with a man who treated me horribly, so I changed back to my maiden name.

I still think it should be discussed early on and if this problem can't be solved, how are you going to solve the big problems.
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 313
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/15/2009 5:08:42 AM

Interesting statistics, care to show the math behind it?



Ummmmm 90 +9 +1 = 100
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 314
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/15/2009 5:36:29 AM

Interesting statistics, care to show the math behind it?

Ummmmm 90 +9 +1 = 100


I wasn't asking how to add to 100, I was asking how you concluded that 90% of the posters opposed to taking a man's last name had done so in a previous marriage, where your 9% of the posters in this thread that were not keen on taking a man's last name were from another country/continent, and how you figured that only 1% were the "real deal". Where is the math to prove your percentages? What is your percentage for those that don't care either way about the man's last name? Or the percentage that would take a new man's name in marriage? But instead you took the lazy way out, instead of prove how you arrived at your conclusions. Much like I haven't seen an answer to all the times posters in this thread have asked why men are so opposed to taking a woman's last name. Instead they hide behind "tradition", "religion", and anti-feminism.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 315
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/15/2009 8:03:00 AM
For different reasons than the woman who posted this:


I use my first name as my identity


I would say I feel the same. My last name isn't hugely important to me, but I have established a professional identity under my original last name and so would probably not change it professionally should the question ever arise again.

Would I assume a new husband's last name? Socially and legally, sure. I've even socially assumed a common law last name. NBD. I know who I am. It's the other people out there who may need to identify me with a last name. Geez...how often are we "Billy's mom" "Sam's wife" "Mary's husband" "Fred's assistant". We all identify people by a relationship of some sort. It's how we fit them into our general scheme of our world.

Come to think of it, my mother's been married so many times and assumed her new husband's name each time I have a hard time remembering what her last name is currently. To me she is "Mom". Her last name has nothing to do with who she is to me except when it comes time to address snail mail.

Would I ever marry someone with this sort of viewpoint:


The women who refuse to take their husband's last name are feminist extremists who apparently think that by taking their husband's last name would take away from their individuality.


I'd be hugely incompatible with someone who comes off this judgementally. My guess would be this is not the only thing...I'd have to take every opportunity to shove this attitude up his "where the sun doesn't shine" spot. He's need to live in fear of my skill with the chef's knife. For his safety and my own ability to move freely in society, I'd not want to share a life with him.

 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 316
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/15/2009 9:04:39 AM

Much like I haven't seen an answer to all the times posters in this thread have asked why men are so opposed to taking a woman's last name. Instead they hide behind "tradition", "religion", and anti-feminism.


Yup, and they accuse women of doing the exact thing. What a shock that we all do the same "bad" things!!!

Alert the media!
 BritPup
Joined: 1/14/2007
Msg: 317
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/15/2009 9:43:02 AM

Much like I haven't seen an answer to all the times posters in this thread have asked why men are so opposed to taking a woman's last name. Instead they hide behind "tradition", "religion", and anti-feminism

I'm sorry, but you not liking the answers you're getting doesn't qualify the respondents as hiding behind said answers.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 318
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/15/2009 10:55:54 AM
Well, after it's all said and done,
2 things are obvious
1. Why some people are single
2 Why some people are going to stay that way ...

I'm confused--are you talking about yourself, or others? Because obstinance is obstinance.


I'm sorry, but you not liking the answers you're getting doesn't qualify the respondents as hiding behind said answers.

I don't think that was FOR you, but it was FOR those guys who are doing just that, not giving any rational explanations but instead saying, like petulant children, "BECAUSE! And if you don't , it's because there is something wrong with YOU!"

The idea of strengthening the family ties by sharing a common name IS something; society gives a lot more respect and honor to "Mrs. Smith" than it does to "Ms. Jones living with Mr. Smith", quite frankly. Women are "legitimized" literally and figuratively by being married, and that is just emphasized by her changing her name--society just sees her as "more" married if she's got his name (and "more" is "better").

And, frankly, MEN are "legitimized" by society for having snagged a wife--no longer are they looked at sideways for being "only" bachelors, and (fair or not) that tag of "commitment-phobe" goes away.

Society sees "married" as "better", so anything like a ring on a woman's finger and a common name makes that couple's "worth" to society go up.
=============
Edit: Nah, you can do anything you want "socially". Heck, I go by "Magic" socially, and it is not my legal name. I think there is a distinct diff between your "legal" name and your "social" name, and MANY women use their maiden name as "legal" (ie, on documents, paychecks, etc), while are referred to as "Mrs NotMaidenNameHere". My own sister has yet to decide what her name is--she has three of them, but on legal docs, it's all maiden name (she's been married 18 years, and happily so).
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 319
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/15/2009 10:58:30 AM
deerdog1: "and I am not a religious man but I think the bible got this one right ....A woman shall leave her home and travel on with the man where the two shall live as one"


The bible may have gotten it right but you only got it half right. The bible states the MAN is the one who will leave his family: (Genesis 2:24) "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."


you can use his name socially and your maiden or any other name in other context


In order for a woman to do so legally she needs to hyphenate her name. Otherwise, one or the other name is no longer her 'legal' name. But this practice also is being frowned upon by some. So I don't think it is the women who are unwilling to compromise.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 320
The op is trolling his own thread.... lmaopmpalsm!
Posted: 12/15/2009 11:05:07 AM
Rock: "I'd safely and happily bet all of my fishy points that 90% of the posters questioning or arguing the tradition took their ex's name at marriage."


I changed my name the first time I married. Never again. Once I didn't even bother to hyphenate. When my purse was stolen and I had to replace all my ID my then-husband admitted that me not having changed my name bothered him. So, since I had to do alotta jumping thru hoops anyway, I hyphenated.
 aaron_n_jp
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 321
The op is trolling his own thread.... lmaopmpalsm!
Posted: 12/15/2009 2:28:10 PM
If others want to come to an agreement over who gets the name, when, where and why, that's fine by me, but I know that if she's not willing to take my name, it's not going to sit well with me. And, if she doesn't like it then, I'll find someone who will. That's just how it's gonna be. We (those of us that appreciate a woman taking a man's full name) shouldn't have to justify our reasons why, especially when anything we throw out there is never going to be good enough for those that don't understand. The reasons may be a little more unexplainable than simply "religion" or "tradition', however, but one thing is for certain, we don't answer to you.
 dot*
Joined: 10/9/2009
Msg: 322
The op is trolling his own thread.... lmaopmpalsm!
Posted: 12/15/2009 2:34:20 PM
^^ And what about for the women who have spent years acquiring a name for themselves professionally among colleagues and with their patients? Should they be changing their names as well?

And if your argument is, "Well, it's clear her job is more important than her husband", I'm sorry, but that's just ridiculous- to say that one's willingness to change her last name trumps how she treats her man daily, and that this is a more accurate measurement of how much her husband means to her is simply absurd.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 323
The op is trolling his own thread.... lmaopmpalsm!
Posted: 12/15/2009 2:39:44 PM

we don't answer to you.

But, on threat of dumping her, she answers to you, dadgumit!
I get it: pants, castle, blah blah
 dot*
Joined: 10/9/2009
Msg: 324
The op is trolling his own thread.... lmaopmpalsm!
Posted: 12/15/2009 2:47:57 PM
Um, my future husband will know each and everyday that I am 100% devoted to him, regardless of the fact that I won't be taking his name.

But when I have worked my ass off to build a reputation for myself in my field, I sure as hell am not going to go change my last name (which is the only identity I have to potential referrals) to start fresh.

(Oh, and I don't watch Oprah. Or Dr. Phil, or Tyra, just in case you wanted to know. ;) )
 Dice55
Joined: 4/14/2009
Msg: 325
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History
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/15/2009 3:27:25 PM
Maybe she just cant spell the last name......
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