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 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 51
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Taking his name....? Page 3 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
FarmExe, having many Asian friends, I've learned that marriage in the East is just as messed up as here in then U.S. However, there is one small culture or township in China that seems to have the perfect answer for relationships and family. I watched it on the Natioal geographic channel. They don't even have a word for marriage, and they appear to be the most happy and care free people on earth......and wouldn't you just know it?... the Chinese government is pressuring them to abandon their highly successful society and adopt the tradtional and failing system. Ahhhh....the wisdom in todays world!
 milt_n_bradley
Joined: 10/14/2009
Msg: 52
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 11:52:18 AM
If she uses her maiden name in a profession...then I could see keeping it.
Other than that...unless this is something that they agreed upon prior to the wedding...it seems that she is stirring the "divorce me" pot rather vigorously.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 53
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 11:54:58 AM
I have noticed more wives and husbands choosing to keep their own surnames, but giving their chilren a hyphenated name and the child can choose one or the other or both.

It doesn't cost much to legally change your last name in Canada......as long as the change of name is not being used for deceptive purposes.
 FarmExe
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 54
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:10:35 PM
We are on the dating site to discuss some different custom. I believe it's a tradition that a woman uses her husband's last name. Although I have asked some questions, I respect that. Anyway, I have no plan to marry an American man...grin!
BTW, I don't like to disccuss anything about your Western governments. Please don't discuss anything with me about Chinese government and Chinese people. I respect my country and my people as well as you Western people. I am a scholar and know many things about the world!
 dondea
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 55
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:18:53 PM
My ex-wife took on my name because we had a "traditional" marital relationship. She kept it after our divorce until she remarried so she could be easily identified as the mother of our children. After her second divorce, she changed back to her maiden name. The reason? I guess it was because her ex and her did not have any children together and they left on not so good terms.

I personally think if one person in a couple gets bent out of shape because someone doesn't want to change or hyphenate their name, they shouldn't be together anyway.

JMO
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 56
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:25:15 PM
In my country, women may take the man's name legally and may continue to use their father's name (maiden name) in the workplace or for professional purposes if they choose. In social situations, they are always addressed by their married name.

I could be wrong but in American culture, it seems that women traditionally let go of their father's name (maiden name) and took their husband's name when they wed. I understood this to be symbolic of leaving their parents and becoming a grown woman and wife. But only since the feminist movement does it seem that that tradition been banished.

Some women don't want to use their husbands name and instead prefer to be known by their father's name, so this talk about keeping their dad's name for their own "identity" has never made sense to me.
Personally, I'd rather "belong" with my husband than with my parents.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 57
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:32:11 PM
While it is true the habit of keeping one's maiden name or hyphenating their name gained popularity at about the same time as the feminist movement, that also is the time period when more women were becoming degreed and gaining recognition in the workplace.

As far as "leaving their parents and becoming a growon woman and wife" and all that BS, I believe scripture says the MAN should leave HIS parents and cleave to HIS wife. So maybe men ARE the ones who should be changing their names. MUWAHAHAHA!

Name recognition is important to success. If not, we wouldn't have so many incumbants winning re-election.
 FarmExe
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 58
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:37:06 PM

I'd rather "belong" with my husband than with my parents.

I truly understand your thought because you and your husband belong to your own family with your own home, which can mean your husband is the householder!
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 59
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:38:48 PM

I'm sure she'll take half of everything with his name on it, when she leaves.
Christ this attitude p1sses me off!! Isn't he also taking half of everything with HER name on it??? Or are all the possessions HIS when they are married and she forgoes her right to own anything? They BOTH own the stuff so they BOTH take half of it. NOT her taking half of HIS stuff....Geez....
 chrisofpa
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 60
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:41:38 PM
Just my .02.

My wife kept her maiden name. However, she also used my name. There were some problems beginning in the hospital when our son was born. They also almost screwed up the birth certificate by putting her last name as our son's last name . We had been married for five years at the time.

When she ran for office, she used my name because that was what she was going by. Fortunately, the election laws in our state allowed her to do that.

The situation was a pain at times when applying for loans and things like that.

One thing that really did annoy me was when she was in the hospital and everyone I dealt with kept referring to me as "Mr (my wife's last name)". Constantly having to correct people got to be old real fast. There was also one time when there were some new people on staff and they were a bit reluctant to talk with me until someone else confirmed that I was her husband.

So, is it a big deal?? I don't think it's that big. However it does create a lot of nuisance situations especially when kids are involved.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 61
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:44:45 PM
I wouldn’t care what his last name was; I’d change mine to match. If I’m lucky, it will be a really bad one and long after my demise, visitors to Forest Lawn will delight as they walk by a tombstone that reads: R.I.P. Frau Anuslicker



Always leave ‘em with a smile on their face!

 BritPup
Joined: 1/14/2007
Msg: 62
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:48:17 PM
Marriage is largely now just a quaint little tradition. It serves little actual purpose any longer. Especially given how easy people cast it aside nowadays.

But, to me, that kind of makes the whole custom even more valuable. Two people are CHOOSING to follow that tradition when they really don't have to. That says a lot. It's a statement of their love for one another - given freely. As one poster here said, it's being part of the family; the unit. That's the good, pure part of it.

Now, as soon as one introduces the ugly side of it with this issue with the name change ("Ooh, it's a statement of your ownership", "Why do I have to take your name?... take mine.", "It feels unfair...", "Let's hyphenate", etc...), then my default reaction is: "Ok then, let's just not bother."

I'm sorry. I didn't create the tradition, but I'm not into picking and choosing which parts of the custom suit me... Marriage A-la-Carte.
 StatlerandWaldorf
Joined: 6/1/2009
Msg: 63
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:48:54 PM

let go of their father's name (maiden name) and took their husband's name when they wed...to be symbolic of leaving their parents and becoming a grown woman and wife


Yes but in these modern times of ours, there is more often than not a gap between these two phases of life where a women will live and work independantly of both parents and husband. I think it's likely these years that are leading so many to use 'identity' as a reason for a woman keeping her maiden name. (So yes, her maiden name identifies her as her father's daughter, but it's also the name she uses as an independent adult.)


But only since the feminist movement does it seem that that tradition been banished.


Clearly it hasn't been banished, as people still do it. The point of the feminist movement is so that women will have choices (on this and any number of topics). If she wants to take her husband's name because it's the tradition to do so, she can go right ahead, and it's a perfectly valid reason. If she doesn't want to - she doesn't have to.

And for people saying parents should have the same last name for the sake of not confusing the children, what kind of stupid children are you having? Lots of cultures do not follow the woman-taking-husband's-name tradition, and I don't think any of those kids are having trouble figuring out who their parents are, or who loves them.
 Savona
Joined: 11/22/2009
Msg: 64
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 12:53:02 PM
Ohhhh very sly Rock Man ... as we await your take on it ... hehehe I think I already know but will watch for your response.

As for me ... IF I got married I would DEFINITELY take his name. I could write a long list of reasons but lets just say ...

""I would like to introduce Mr. and Mrs . Hoodwinked" Just has a special ring to it.

Savona
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 65
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:06:24 PM
I briefly thought about keeping my own last name when I married, as I am the last of that particular line. B ut his name was much nicer than mine, plus it started with a C not a W, so the offspring would be close to the top of the list alphabetically at school. I LOATHED always being pretty much last......
I see a lot of hyphenated kids (!) in my job and I truly wonder what will happen if they marry.... do we get a quadruple barreled name?


Off topic- I had a friend growing up, last name Werndley. She hated it, and it IS rather clunky and harsh sounding. I met her a few years later and she was engaged- I asked her if she was happy to be losing the name, and what her new name would be... she whispered 'Hiscock'!!! Poor thing.

Anyway its storm in a teacup stuff and as others have said, if the not-so-happy couple can't agree on this then its probably the tip of the iceberg.
 annasthasia
Joined: 5/4/2005
Msg: 66
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:11:53 PM
In the province where I come from, all the women keep their maiden name. It is just the way it is done. When there is a marriage, the woman keeps her maiden name but the children have the father's name. There are very few hyphonated names. (Province of Québec, Canada)

The reason I believe is more for legal reasons.

When I married, I had a really hard time to change my name per say. I was a whole person before I married and psychologically it was like I was disowning part of my lineage. It just felt weird and I remember an interesting story...

My ex-husband and I were shopping and stressed for time. We parted ways with each our list to try and cut the shopping time down. We said we would meet at a certain place after an hour or so. Well, it took a little longer for me and my ex had the mall people call for me as Mrs ...... and I never identified with the name. It just did not recognize it was me they were searching for.

Everytime I would hear Mrs ............ I always thought they wanted to addres my mother in law. It never cliqued it was me they were addressing.

Anyway... names are powerful stuff. I was "given" a name at birth. I did not chose it. It just feels odd to me to mess with that.

Is there a culture or society in this world where men "give" up their name to take their spouses name? (Most societies are patriarchal... I think not.)

Is it an other system when a man feels more secure by "owning" the woman he choses to marry by imposing his name on her?

To me, that means insecurity from the man... I am just wondering.

What was one of Shakespeare's lines... "What's in a name... "... Geez I forget...

 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 67
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:12:48 PM

So I was hoping some people here could clue me in on some valid reasons why a woman wouldn't take their husbands name.


Not sure if this has been mentioned yet or not, but the main one I could see would be, for business purposes in one's profession.

Both a maiden name and a married name though, or at least in Canada, are considered legal names, so one could definitely still use their maiden name for business purposes, and a married one for regular life, if one chose.

Personally, whether or not "everything else" in their relationship to date has been "traditional" or not, if the rest of their relationship has been wonderful to date as you say, it seems rather a...well, rather petty argument to be having at this stage on both their parts, IMO, considering all the other dealbreakers that are possible. But, that's JMO.
 dawn1114
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 68
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:20:53 PM

So I was hoping some people here could clue me in on some valid reasons why a woman wouldn't take their husbands name.

I like my name. It's my name. Those are are my reasons.
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 69
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:29:13 PM

Ohhhh very sly Rock Man ... as we await your take on it ... hehehe I think I already know but will watch for your response.


Well if your waiting for my take, you'll have to wait just a little bit longer.
But I tell you what, after a few more posts, I'll let others in on a few details about the couple fighting.

I have to say I am more then just enjoying the constant question of why he won't take her name. Show me an asshat that took his wife's name and I'll show you an asshat that married for money or prestige.
 FarmExe
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 70
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:32:33 PM

In the province where I come from, all the women keep their maiden name. It is just the way it is done. When there is a marriage, the woman keeps her maiden name but the children have the father's name. There are very few hyphonated names. (Province of Québec, Canada)

Thta's a good place to find someone. My identity and status will hide him...
 annasthasia
Joined: 5/4/2005
Msg: 71
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:34:18 PM
Found the quote... Shakespeare's play... Romeo and Juliet...

Juliet : ""What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 72
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:43:35 PM
Wow, all these issues and other questions....

How about just answering the fecking question?

And what the feck is this 2nd grade? Well if I take yours why don't you take mine...Pfft!
 imalitltpot
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 73
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:44:03 PM
I have no plans to change my name if I get married. I've had the same name for 46 years, so why change it now? Too much paperwork. I would not be offended, however, if people referred to me as Mrs. Hislastname.

I think when a couple divorces, the woman also divorces the name and should go back to her maiden name (if she's a widow, she's honored her vows and has earned the right to keep the name). You cannot use the excuse that it's for the children, because then you are saying you won't change your name if you re-marry. Do you think your next husband would want you to keep your old husband's name? Not!!

If the pastor of my church had taken her husband's last name, she would have the same first and last name. *giggle*
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 74
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:47:23 PM
I think it is cultural thing woman not taking her husband's name..Most of my friends that are minority but majority does take their husband name and I asked if there won't be a problem on legalities,like SS ,buying a house,car etc.. They said to me "no because it is stated on the marriage licence that they are the legal wife, but their kids name is after the father.. A friend explained to me it is a hustle to change name all the time, and what people will say if you are divorced 4 xs... I understand that no woman will want to be labeled " Hot Tamales"...Oh, those gossipy women are clucking like hens, okay,eyes down ,,sigh, I am one of them...
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 75
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:53:04 PM
As I said in the op, this whole relationship is supposed to be "traditional" .

He drives a truck and she drives a nice car. They are both in their mid 30's and both have been married before.

No they do not have any crazy names or outside reasons to defend not taking his name. It's suddenly just her decision. No real explanation or reason.

She uses her ex's last name yet seems to have a problem taking his.
Now the kicker in all of this is the song he dedicated to their relationship and played as he asked her to marry him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKPwk1JY1io

It was there song for a long while.

Now I'm not even going to reply to those asking about why he won't take her last name, and mainly because I find that to be one of the most juvenile ways to avoid the issue.

Also he's not really the one fighting and arguing. He has made it clear that they will not get married if she doesn't take his name and leaves it at that. She is the one with the issues here.
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