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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Taking his name....?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 **~renegadeoutlaw~**
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 76
Taking his name....? Page 4 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
I guess my feeling is, that if I were to marry this at this late date in life.......

I probably would hyphenate my name due to my profession and the length of time I have within it. People know me by my current name and if I were to totally obliterate my current name and take on another, I would probably get lost in the phone book!

So if the couple in question are having issues now with that, can you imagine what other issues would be down the road for them?????
 Aisfor_Amanda
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 77
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:56:57 PM

Also he's not really the one fighting and arguing. He has made it clear that they will not get married if she doesn't take his name and leaves it at that.


That would be enough to make me go "Okay, see ya". I'd rather be single and happy that be given an ultimatum.
 annasthasia
Joined: 5/4/2005
Msg: 78
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:59:28 PM
Interesting...


How about just answering the fecking question?

And what the feck is this 2nd grade? Well if I take yours why don't you take mine...Pfft!


OP, this posting is interesting to me...

The mere thought of you taking a woman's last name seems to anger you...

This idea angers you because....?

It's just a name right... no big issue right? Why be so offended?

I mean, Romeo was ready to give up his name for Juliet...

Read on...


Juliet:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."


Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)
Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet meet and fall in love in Shakespeare's lyrical tale of "star-cross'd" lovers. They are doomed from the start as members of two warring families. Here Juliet tells Romeo that a name is an artificial and meaningless convention, and that she loves the person who is called "Montague", not the Montague name and not the Montague family. Romeo, out of his passion for Juliet, rejects his family name and vows, as Juliet asks, to "deny (his) father" and instead be "new baptized" as Juliet's lover. This one short line encapsulates the central struggle and tragedy of the play.


What kind of man would he be in your eyes then?
 FarmExe
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 79
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:02:22 PM

She uses her ex's last name yet seems to have a problem taking his.


She is the one with the issues here.

I agree with that. She uses her ex's last name and should change it into her husband's last name in order to respect her husband.
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 80
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:03:31 PM

That would be enough to make me go "Okay, see ya". I'd rather be single and happy that be given an ultimatum.

Then get to stepping.

She will not get married unless she can continue to use her ex husbands name, so who's giving who an ultimatum ?

Funny how if a man asks a woman to make a choice all the nut knockers jump on the ultimatum bullshet. If she gives him a choice, it asking him to show love..

Feck that. Lets try to maintain a certain level of common fecking sense.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 81
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History
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:04:43 PM

She uses her ex's last name yet seems to have a problem taking his.


Ohhhh...okay, that's different. Pardon me if I missed it but, I'm assuming she doesn't have children with that ex? (Although, even if she did...that would make me raise an eyebrow about her digging in her heels at this point as well).

Yeah....that would pyss me off as well, to be honest, and I'm sure if things were different (where the man traditionally took the woman's surname) I'm sure if most of the ladies posting here were being honest, it would pyss them off as well if the man they were marrying refused to take their last name, and held onto an ex-wife's surname instead. For either gender though, the insult is still there...the person in question had no qualms first time around, but won't second time around???

I can't honestly think of any good reason to continue to use a first husband's surname, though, OP, and refuse to take a second husband's one. Hell, I'd think even going back to one's maiden name would be better, than continuing to use an ex's surname. I'd be angry too, and wonder WHY she was holding on to that tie.

Can you share the rest of the details yet, lol?
 Aisfor_Amanda
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 82
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:05:23 PM
Funny how if a man asks a woman to make a choice all the nut knockers jump on the ultimatum bullshet. If she gives him a choice, it asking him to show love..


Yeah...I at no point said she was asking him to show her love. She should just not get married and go back to her first husband. Or just change her name back to her maiden name.

And I would happily get to steppin if that was the ultimatum given. Of course, he'd be in my house so he'd be the one actually having to do the steppin.

I love how you always get so defensive when someone doesn't agree with your point of view. You call everyone childish when they say "why can't he take her name." Well... isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? By slinging the whole "you're being childish" thing, you're being just as juvenile. Call me a nut, call me juvenile, call me what you will. You're just as guilty as being a juvenile nut job as anyone else on this thread.
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 83
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:10:18 PM
OP, this posting is interesting to me...

The mere thought of you taking a woman's last name seems to anger you...


Why in the hell would it anger me? This is not my problem..

I find the question to be asinine at best. It's not an answer to the question, it's a childish way to avoid it.

She has children from her first marriage which have one name, she has ex last ex's name but suddenly decides to not take his name.

Now for some reason she has no problem with him adopting her children and them taking his name but for some strange reason she doesn't want to.

So please explain to me how it's a valid answer much less question here? No as a matter of fact save it for the nut knockers meeting, because I couldn't care less.

I love how you always get so defensive when someone doesn't agree with your point of view. You call everyone childish when they say "why can't he take her name." Well... isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? By slinging the whole "you're being childish" thing, you're being just as juvenile. Call me a nut, call me juvenile, call me what you will. You're just as guilty as being a juvenile nut job as anyone else on this thread.

Well you confuse me with someone who gives a shet.
Nut knocker, is not a nut job. It's my way of calling women man haters. So who's defencive?

I have not even given my point of view yet so what in the world do I have to be bothered by? I actually laugh at the question. In the op, I clearly state that the relationship is traditional, Not new age but traditional.

 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 84
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:13:39 PM

She uses her ex's last name yet seems to have a problem taking his.

I sympathize with the guy in this situation; keeping the name of an ex-husband would be disrespectful, IMO. I would be honored to take my man’s name and wouldn’t have it any other way.
 SingleGuy4912
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 85
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History
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:14:39 PM

She will not get married unless she can continue to use her ex husbands name

I think I would have an issue with that as well. Even going back to her maiden name would be preferable to keeping her ex husbands name. Gotta go with the husband on this one....
 Eyes O Blue 2
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 86
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:16:31 PM
Keeping her maiden name is one thing but keeping her ex's name ????

Talk about a knock in the nuts !!!!

Has he ever been married before ? How would she feel if he switched to his ex's last name I wonder ?
 barbyanne2
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 87
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:16:54 PM
"All I know now is - should the day come where I do get married, she'll take my name or she won't. No hyphenated pompous shit. And if kids are brought in, they will have MY last name...not hers, and not the hyphenated garbage."

This won't be your decision solely. I'd hammer it out before pooping her plug

The owner of the womb get a vote
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 88
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:23:01 PM

Now for some reason she has no problem with him adopting her children and them taking his name but for some strange reason she doesn't want to


I'm not even going to pull teeth to ask for further details at this point. Either your friend has been dating a flake all this time and that's on him, that he didn't realize that, and/or....

Life is relatively simple. When something doesn't add up, stand back and try doing the math. Something in the math isn't adding up here with this lady, IMO.
 Aisfor_Amanda
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 89
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:23:11 PM

I have not even given my point of view yet so what in the world do I have to be bothered by? I actually laugh at the question. In the op, I clearly state that the relationship is traditional, Not new age but traditional.




<
Show me an asshat that took his wife's name and I'll show you an asshat that married for money or prestige


That is showing part of your point of view.

And I am not a man hater. I love men. But thanks for trying to play that game


If wearing going to move away from the woman taking the man's name upon marriage shouldnt we also move away from the engagment ring as well


Yes. Please lets do away with those.
 S.O.U.L
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 90
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:25:52 PM
In sports when you get traded to a new team you wear the new teams uniform. Shaq isnt wearing his Phoenix Suns uniform while the rest of his Cavs teammates wear Cavs uniforms. He isnt wearing a Suns top while wearing Cavs shorts.

If wearing going to move away from the woman taking the man's name upon marriage shouldnt we also move away from the engagment ring as well?
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 91
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History
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:28:27 PM

In sports when you get traded to a new team you wear the new teams uniform. Shaq isnt wearing his Phoenix Suns uniform while the rest of his Cavs teammates wear Cavs uniforms. He isnt wearing a Suns top while wearing Cavs shorts.

If wearing going to move away from the woman taking the man's name upon marriage shouldnt we also move away from the engagment ring as well?


We're not talking about changing clothes here...we're talking about changing names.
And what does whether or not someone changes their name have to do with whether
or not they get an engagement ring? Believe it or not...not everyone gets an engagement
ring or wears a wedding band for that matter. The times they have a changed.
 Savona
Joined: 11/22/2009
Msg: 92
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:30:21 PM
Ok sweetie pie .... you DIDN'T give us all the goods in the OP.

And yea I actually know your answer before you give it. Now quit picking on everyone, 'cause now with the added information you KNOW what the proper thing to do would be.

No man is going to want a woman who's last name was her X's of X's of X's. That is pretty clear. But past that ...

It is like all posts that everyone is going to have an ax to grind. If the women want it this way the men want it the other way.

OT ... with the new information. I feel in my opinion that this women in the OT is just digging her heels into something that is shiit and it is going to make her slip. If a woman is sporting her X's last name and won't give it up then I (if I were a man) would think that she is holding on to ... holding on to him and the past relationship.

Savona
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 93
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History
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:31:23 PM
I have to say I am more then just enjoying the constant question of why he won't take her name. Show me an asshat that took his wife's name and I'll show you an asshat that married for money or prestige.


This cracks me up! If a man takes a woman's last name he is seeking prestige? I used to have a friend joke that he would marry me to take my last name. It was a lot shorter and easier to spell than his 15 letter long last name(mine is 4 letters long).

But really if men don't see it as such a big deal, why are they not willing to do it? Why won't many even consider it? Probably for the same reasons many women now are considering keeping their maiden name. The reasoning that she isn't as committed to the relationship? Same could be said for a man that won't consider changing his.

Color me skeptical ... but something just tells me , that if his last name were "Kennedy" , Gates , Trump, it wouldn't be as large as an issue.


There are some women out there that would not take the last name of someone famous because of the association w/ that name. And what if the woman's name were one of those "famous" last names associated w/ fame/money, then a man would consider it? Talk about shallow.

OP you didn't say it was the ex husband's last name she was refusing to change. That is a different situation, especially if the children involved are to be adopted and have their name changed. But w/ the OT you didn't state that, which should have been included in the OT. A maiden name change could be understood why a woman might not, but in the situation you are describing I can see the issue. Your argument though that the response "why doesn't he change his name?" to the original premise in the OTthat it was a maiden to married name as childish and avoiding the issue is wrong. In the original premise it is a fair question to ask.
 annasthasia
Joined: 5/4/2005
Msg: 94
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:36:25 PM
Case in point...
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver...

Neither changed their names... We all know that Maria Shriver is from the Kennedy clan... Wonder if either of them had a fight over who was to take who's name?

OP, you do not seem to have given clear details. I have never heard of a man adopting an other man's children unless the woman is widowed. The children have a father no matter who the mother remarries... I find that odd.

You have not given all the details. If she is widowed, I can see her wanting to keep the name and I really do not understand wanting to change the children's last name either.

Only in America I suppose.

 pro-filer
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 95
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:42:09 PM

In the last few days I have watched what appeared to be a very happy and healthy relation

Apparently, not so much. If they've both dug in their heels over this, and it's only taken a few days - I'm thinking there are other issues, but this is the one they've decided to "use".


So I was hoping some people here could clue me in on some valid reasons why a woman wouldn't take their husbands name.

Names are kind of funny - they're intrinsically tied up with one's sense of identity, who they are, and who they want to appear to be. I've had 3 of 5 siblings deliberately change their first name because it didn't portray who they felt they were: one brother, from Kerry to Chris (in grade 1; Kerry was a "girl's name"); my sister, from Peggy to Margaret (people take a woman named "Margaret" more seriously than one named "Peggy"); another sister, from Julie to Jewel (and yes, a sweet person in many ways but she does have a slight "entitlement" attitude).

When I was born, I was given my bio father's last name. When I was adopted later on, I suddenly had a new surname - I wasn't consulted at all, my feelings about it were completely ignored. When I got married, there was no question in anyone's mind that I'd just take my husband's last name. My last name has ceased to have anything to do with me or my identity; I use my first name as my identity, the last name attached with no importance or meaning. Stated somewhat simply, it felt as if the way in which my name got changed - based on what OTHER people wanted, made me feel powerless. I coped by simply ejecting any sense of attachment to my last name. However, someone else in similar situation might react by deciding that THIS is their name, their identity, and they're just not going to change it.

Whether that has anything with your friends, I have no clue. But, if I decided to dig in my heels about a name change due to marriage, it'd be bound up with maintaining my identity.

Btw, why is he digging his heels in? Why is it so important to him that her last name be the same as his? I'm really curious, not trying for "good for the goose, good for the gander" response.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 96
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History
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:47:23 PM

If she is widowed, I can see her wanting to keep the name


Then she shouldn't remarry, IMO...how would that be at all fair to her next husband, that he has to live up to a ghost in that regard, that she wants to keep his name in tribute?

What would be the "positives" for someone marrying a widow, or someone on a second marriage, in that case?
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 97
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:47:46 PM

She has children from her first marriage which have one name, she has ex last ex's name but suddenly decides to not take his name.
Now for some reason she has no problem with him adopting her children and them taking his name but for some strange reason she doesn't want to.


Okay... that's just f***ed up. Is she a successful career woman?
 annasthasia
Joined: 5/4/2005
Msg: 98
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:49:10 PM

Then she shouldn't remarry, IMO...how would that be at all fair to her next husband, that he has to live up to a ghost in that regard, that she wants to keep his name in tribute?


Obviously you are not a widow... Off topic anyway... Point taken though.
 annasthasia
Joined: 5/4/2005
Msg: 99
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 3:07:22 PM
@Bad*MonkeyFunker

This quote,
Well if I take yours why don't you take mine...Pfft!
was not written by me. It was written by the OP I believe...

Just setting the record straight... Yes, I AM a professional person where I did acquire some level of recognition with my name... Again... no need to belittle anyone that does not see eye to eye with you...

Like a certain poster stated, a name does have some level of attachment. It is part of who we are and like she wrote, taking away your last name is like forgetting a part of who you are... I relate to that very much... It has nothing to do with a feminist point of view. It has everything to do with an identification point of view at the very core of your being.

(I just cannot understand why men cannot get that. Certainly the ones that show anger or agression are probably the ones who feel a need to "own" their woman ... Not sure about that... I do not want to generalize... I just find it odd. Like I said, where I live, women keep their maiden names when they marry... )
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 100
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/9/2009 3:13:35 PM


In the last few days I have watched what appeared to be a very happy and healthy relation

Apparently, not so much. If they've both dug in their heels over this, and it's only taken a few days - I'm thinking there are other issues, but this is the one they've decided to "use".

Concurred.


It's suddenly just her decision. No real explanation or reason.

I am sure that that is what he said. He may even believe it. I am equally sure that it was not so sudden and that she has given him her reasoning.


Also he's not really the one fighting and arguing. He has made it clear that they will not get married if she doesn't take his name and leaves it at that.

That is fighting. Not fighting would be letting it go.

As stated, myself, I'd be inclined to take the name. But I'm not going to judge her reasons for not wanting to without knowing what those reasons are. And I still don't think this is the real problem, anyway... however, given information previously withheld, it now appears that their real problems are a lot bigger than wedding stress.
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