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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?      Home login  
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 Euroalex
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 26
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
attractiveness can be changed.

dress better, care better for skin, shape of body, hairstyle etc.

all of them require energy, time and moeny to care about - but changing appearance to the positive is entirely possible.

haven't you see a TV show where expert fashion stylists etc. took an average 40+ woman and turned her to be much more attractive, looking "10 years younger"?

_before_ and _after_

the remark you quoted could be concern, if even after caring about appearance, he still wouldn't find her attractive

so if she loves him etc. I suggest to take the challenge and do something about her looks, to look more pretty

maybe he was right, she was much more attractive 8 years go...and now he just misses that woman
 SylvanSwan
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 27
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 11:28:40 PM
Oh Yes Alexquality, it is ALL her FAULT!

Maybe it is him and his personality....?

You cannot "change" attractiveness. Sure white teeth, good skin, shapely body, etc. is all fine and dandy. But if you don't want to swing off the chandeliers naked with the person, GOLD teeth aren't even going to help.

Sheesh!

~Crazyhorse~
 I Cornelius
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 28
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 11:29:15 PM
Attraction is such a huge part of a healthy relationship. Sure, beauty fades... we start to get squishier... hair grows from the damnedest of places... but just as the relationship evolves over time, our attraction to the other person evolves over time as well.

Look at that old couple, sitting in the park, feeding the ducks with the stale bread they save with the express purpose of feeding said ducks. Ask them if they still find each other attractive. Nine times out of ten what do they say? Usually something along the lines of:

"I find him/her just as handsome/beautiful as the day we met."

Adorable, right?

Now, I'm sure that couple had their ups and downs and almost break-ups throughout the years... but when all is said and done... they stuck it out not just for love... but for attraction. Because they fit and know that no one else would fit "just so." Hell, that's what I want, and I know damned well that's what most people want, too.

If a couple stays together and there is no more mutual attraction with no hope of getting it back... sorry. It's broken.
 Kazzmere
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 29
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 11:36:32 PM
Definitely *not* a deal breaker.

My last relationship (8 years) was with a man who was a man who liked my brain, but didn't find me physically attractive. He never complimented me about anything physical; but told me all the time how fun, smart, cool, etc I was.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 30
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 11:45:40 PM
I don't think marriage is supposed to a fairy tale or a Hollywood romantic comedy. I suspect that after 8 years, most couples go through some sort of period where their attraction for the other wanes. I don't think it's enough of a reason to split up. I also don't think it's a very good idea for either person to tell the other person this, but too late now, I guess. I would hope they can work on some way of reigniting the fire between them, or ride this out for a while and see if it changes with time.
 Euroalex
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 31
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/3/2010 11:53:20 PM
CityHorseWoman aka Crazyhorse

what happens many times that people once in comfort of a marriage, they forget to care as much on their appearance as they used to be when just dated this person.
especially when they dated this person.
it can be OK, if he is fine with that, but not really if he wants her to keep up with her appearance.
could be also that he just got bored with the way she looks....
than could be changed: for example if during many years she was black or brown haired
-make it blonde! blonde usually looks younger.
-make it red! passionate...
that's just the hair.
she could noticed during these years of marriage, what kind of other women he finds attractive?...
the cause either it's her fault (by caring less about herself),
or it is his fault (his interest have changed)
doesn't really matter here.
the solution for both is to change!
changing his mind about it won't really go, easier to change the appearance....

if she loves him, she will do that.
 SylvanSwan
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 32
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:00:53 AM
@ Alexquality:

I totally understand what you are saying. Suggestions for changing one's looks should be subtle and polite in any event.....

Changes come in many forms. Not just in the looks department.

Sometimes people's attitude or personality changes. For example, if a woman stops taking the pill, she may find her partner undesirable afterwards.

Nevertheless, I have no doubt that the woman is hurt from her husband's insensitivity.

And I have dated men that were really good in the looks department, but not in the brain department. Kinda ruins the whole picture IMO.

Thanks and Cheers,

~Crazyhorse~
 ForumFlounder
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 33
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:32:39 AM

Is this offensive enough to want to break it off?
Does your partner has to find you attractive for them to love you?
In fact is the "attractiveness" part necessary at all?


Yes to all.

To me, attraction, physical and emotional is an important element to have in a relationship. If one or the other doesn't exist anymore then perhaps it is time to move on. .. I agree w/ the other posters who said it's odd that a person can say they "love someone (romantically) and find them not attractive".

I've been in scenarios where men I did not have initial physical attraction to (it wasn't like I found them repulsive, but it wasn't like I was drawn into their looks from the get go either) .. But after getting to know them personality-wise, if the chemistry is good they become attractive to me in ways deeper than looks alone. .... And then vice-versa too. Met guys whom were lookers and I was drawn into them by their physical attractiveness, however, once I found out how big of a jerk they can be -- instant turn off -- didn't matter if they were crowned "hottest man of the year" ... having a bad personality made them that much uglier to me.

Anyhoo, I would want my s/o to find me attractive as much as I find him too. It would not be fair to either one of us if his or my attitude about this changed and we were just forcing ourselves to stay for whatever reason ...
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 34
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:06:06 AM
In my experience, attraction is absolutely necessary, and if the man isn't finding it in the marriage, then he is or one day will be seeking it elsewhere.

This is not just a "ignore it; it'll go away" issue. It's a potential marriage-breaker that must be addressed.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 35
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:32:36 AM

In my experience, attraction is absolutely necessary, and if the man isn't finding it in the marriage, then he is or one day will be seeking it elsewhere.

This is not just a "ignore it; it'll go away" issue. It's a potential marriage-breaker that must be addressed.

See, it's just this kind of argument that makes me question society at large.

So I suppose everyone missed the whole "been married for 8 YEARS" bit? Jesus H Christmas...it's not like they JUST got married, or are just at the dating stage. This is at least ONE living and breathing example where we see a man (in this case) look PAST the superficial "appearance" part and actually marry based on ANYTHING else...and he's gonna get demonized for NOT being a superficial prick? Being criticized JUST because he admits that he doesn't find his WIFE (not g/f or lover or FB) "attractive" in the classic sense?

Are you people for real? We see at least ONE example of what people have so long lamented over...looking PAST the outside to see what's on the inside...and he gets castigated for it?

Man, you people just rule. Seriously. We finally get to see it in living color...one person who looks past the outside...and they STILL can't "win".

I guess in the end this will just prove that what people have been saying for so long is just that...TALK. They don't want people to look past the outside...they WANT to be received for their outside appearance. F*ck the "what's on the inside" shit, right? This post and the subsequent replies tells me that we should all just admit that being superficial is just the way of life, and own up to it. If we do NOT marry for looks...we fail.

Society has just failed itself by admitting to being the biggest bunch of hypocrites that can walk and talk at the same time.

Next time someone uses the old "You need to stop being so superficial!! Look past the "looks"!!" I'm gonna scream out BULLSHIT and point them to THIS thread.

You've all managed to admit that society is just full of hypocrites.

Pat yourselves on the back.

 Amitiel
Joined: 7/26/2009
Msg: 36
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 3:39:57 AM
Bdadddy....
I see what your saying, but in my experience when you truly love someone you DO find them attractive, their flaws and all.

We don't know enough about the OP's story, but why would he wait 8 years to tell her he didn't think she was attractive? Is this honesty on his part? Or lack of?? Did he have an affair and used "I'm just not attracted to you, but I love you" excuse"? Or is he neglecting her sexual needs with that excuse? We really don't know.

If he was honest from the beginning, then it just reeks of settleing for both partners. And if she knew all along, why is she bothered now? Could this have been eating her up all these years? Not good.

If your wife of 8 years, all the sudden told you that she was not attracted to you, wouldn't you be alarmed? If she told you from the beginning, would you have still married her? It does sound like he is falling out of in love with her.

Telling someone that you are supposed to be IN LOVE with that you do not find them attractive IMO is just emotional abuse.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 37
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:01:59 AM
I broke it off with someone once when he said "No one would ever think we are attractive people, since we are so plain looking" Just was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I left and never talked to him again. Maybe I would look at his words differently at this time, but at that time they angered me and hurt my feelings. Of course my friends were supportive as most women are at times of need, and said he was an ass for saying that and I was cute and sexy, was he blind? His mother seemed to like to emotionally abuse him, and he had dated a woman who seemed to be an abuser (alth0ugh he would have given her his left arm and treated her like a queen). I vowed at that point to never date a man who griped about how he was treated badly by an ex after he gave her this and that etc. and said that he would never treat a woman well again.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 38
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:26:32 AM
The man is not fat or looking old? I bet I could ask many men who have been married to a woman for 25 years and they would find their wives very attractive looking. They are mature men who realize that age does change someone's appearance. Some people will love you because you are attractive ( I don't need him), and to some you are attractive because they love you ( prefer this kind of man)
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 39
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:59:35 AM
That's another reason why I divorced him, along with the drinking, lack of privacy--he lived with his mum.

This could have also been the reason he treated me shabbily-calling ugly names like C-U-Next Tuesday. He didn't have to marry me, didn't have to "feel sorry for me".

I think people need to be honest with each other and yes, attractiveness plays a part unfortunately. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech and "oh you're like a sister to me" Oh really dude do you fck your sister? What gives?
 RonnieB77
Joined: 8/1/2009
Msg: 40
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 5:29:03 AM
Well there is a unconditional love that is a very real thing. It would be nice to be the subject of that unconditional love.

But I think attraction is a huge part of a relationship. There is a reason he no longer finds her attractive, maybe she just isn't telling you.
 rhettsbutler
Joined: 1/12/2009
Msg: 41
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 5:49:18 AM
I don't think the comment is so much offensive as it is honest. My ex changed so much during our 15 year marriage that after 10 years she was a totally different person than the one I married. I had probably changed as well. Not in appearance, other than the normal aging, but emotionally, psychologically. Selfishness raises its ugly head and right before your eyes a person that was once caring, giving, sharing, can turn into a self absorbed UNATTRACTIVE copy of their former self. It doesn't mean you stop loving them.
To answer your questions. No, No, and Somewhat.
 makeba
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 42
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 6:07:57 AM
Some clarifications:
1. The SEX I understand is still frequent and good.
2. The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
3. The guy doesn't harp about it on a daily basis. Its just this one time and she has taken it too hard (in my opinion)!
 elitemind
Joined: 12/27/2009
Msg: 43
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 6:34:39 AM
I've noticed so many people consider attractive to be equal to good looking, yeah it's a portion of looks, but to me being attractive is all around, looks, personality, and other characteristics.


See Many Good Looking people are exactly that, Good Looking! but their not attractive.



Now I cannot imagine why someone would even stay with someone who'm they don't find attractive, just sounds a little ridiculous to me.
Especially when it's 6-8 years down the road, you would think you could determine if you're attracted or not to someone alot sooner than that.


Attraction is just such a huge word that really goes so far beyond looks, it is like the backbone of relationships, in the sense that you must be attracted to the person you're with.
This is probably a terrible illustration but anyways, look at it like shoes You're not going to wear shoes that don't fit you, why would you, their uncomfortable, they hurt, and it's a pain trying to force something to fit.
Actually now that I think about it, that sounds alright, usually things sound better in my head.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 44
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 6:47:00 AM
If a man loves you there has to be some level of attraction. Telling me he does not find me attractive would be equal to telling me he has lost his feelings for me.
I would consider couples counceling but have little faith you can get the old feelings back.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 45
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:01:26 AM

Some clarifications:
1. The SEX I understand is still frequent and good.
2. The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
3. The guy doesn't harp about it on a daily basis. Its just this one time and she has taken it too hard (in my opinion)!

Ok so now we have some clarifications.

#2 says it all right there. Because HE didn't bring it up, SHE decided to (to get a pump to the old ego I'm sure) and when he admitted that he didn't marry her for her looks, she lost her shit.

Typical.

Women want to be wanted for more than their looks/the package, but when we see one present themselves...all Hell breaks loose and suddenly he's just a piece of shit. I even noticed a few posters jumping up his ass like a Grade 3 schoolyard rumble broke out...so because he mentions that he doesn't find her attractive, then it's okay for people to start throwing insults his way.

Grade f*cking 3.

He was being HONEST. He was being DIRECT. He was making it clear he saw her for MORE THAN HER LOOKS.

So now he's just a f*cking loser?

Man you people need to get your shit sorted out, and fast. Pick a f*cking side already and for Christ sake...stick with it.

You either WANT to be wanted for your looks, or you DO NOT. But man alive and holy great swinging tree frogs...don't SAY that you want to be more than just another pretty face and then lose your shit when a man says you ain't all that attractive.

The levels of hypocrisy are just rife and suffocating around here. 'Specially out there in the real world. Funny thing is, this broad ain't the first one I've known of to pull that shit either.

If my SO told me she didn't marry me/date me/f*ck me for my looks - why the f*ck would I get all pissed off and bent outta shape?! I don't give a shit WHY...my concern is YOU DID. Who the f*ck cares WHY you did?! In fact, don't even tell me...I just don't f*cking care.

This couple has a good sex life...a satisfying and steady sex life I bet...and he doesn't go on and on and on about how he finds her unattractive...but HE is the @$$hole? Yanno...this serves her right for being a complete retard and asking where the attractive portion of his logic was. That chick is making a mountain out of a molehill. So he doesn't see her as attractive. So f*cking what?! He married her didn't he? They still have a steady and satisfying sex life. They're still married after 8 years. Clearly she doesn't look like a can of smashed @$$hole...so why is she or anyone else gettin' the ginch in a twist?

OP, you are so right with your #3 too...she is taking this WAY too hard for her own f*cking good. You should sit that idiot down and ask her to her face:

What's more important...being married happily for the last 8 years, or being pretty?

See what she has to say.

Ugh. I f*cking hate people some days...too goddamn stupid for their own f*cking good.

 interludesolo
Joined: 11/29/2005
Msg: 46
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:05:11 AM
Hmm...strange question.

On a positive note, I would suspect he finds everything else attractive about her!

Ever listen to the words of my Funny Valentine??

Or perhaps considering the superficial world we live in, at least on this side of the planet,
she has gained considerable weight since they married..he still loves her of course!

 interludesolo
Joined: 11/29/2005
Msg: 47
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:36:39 AM
Just read your post...BDJ

Wholeheartedly agree with you!!

 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 48
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:38:19 AM

(and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!

Wow, that statement is a far cry from:

he has told you that he doesn't find you attractive.




Its just this one time and she has taken it too hard (in my opinion)!

I can see people playing the delicate flower and turning an innocent statement like that to shet in the forums, but in an 8 year marriage?


But no shet though.
 treselle
Joined: 6/16/2005
Msg: 49
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:51:53 AM
With the clarifications it's a different story. I did not find it insulting, just honest in that conversation. But being a woman I understand that her feelings were hurt. In any relationship both women's and men's feelings get hurt. Women do not think that they hurt men's feelings when they say something like: "You are a good man." Women just love saying it to men. Most men, if not all of them, hate that. Men want to hear something like: "You are a sexy thing!" Or:" You are HOT!"
So, no one can please even someone very special to them.
I would recommend forget about breaking up with him, unless she wants to start dating and meet many men who would tell her that again and again, if not in words, but in body language. And they might not be so good to her as her husband is.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 50
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:06:51 AM
does he love her?

does he respect her?

is he loyal to her?

does he take care of a provide for her?

if he does all these more important things, then he is also entitled to his opinion.

MHO......She would be a fool to get a divorce.
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