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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?      Home login  
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 clambroth
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 51
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I hear tell the way love works that when you love someone you find them attractive because you love them not because they are some external object that you have to find attractive to love. Seems to me that love in the truest sense of the word would preclude your friend's issue. However, one caveat - if the other person has changed fairly dramatically for the worse in ways that maybe cause concern, ie weight, hygene bad habits and so forth, your friend's problem may be fairly obvious and self explanatory
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 52
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:21:49 AM

The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!


So, he didn't say that he found her unattractive. They were engaged in a debate, and he said they wouldn’t be married if it were JUST due to physical attraction, because a relationship needs far more than that to survive. Now, he didn’t need to embellish his opine with the disclaimer that they’ve both probably dated more physically appealing people in their youth; but I think she’s blowing it out of proportion. IMO, he said what he said to defend his position and to emphasize the importance of the non-physical; he was NOT inferring that he finds her homely. From the way you describe the scenario, the woman seems insecure and REALLY focused on appearance; she probably kept trying to drum her insipid point into his skull. I mean, come on; why else would ANYONE maintain that “looks” are the most important part of forming a relationship (unless it’s a FWB or intimate encounter)? It’s absolutely laughable. Oh, Prunella! I feel sorry for THAT guy, especially when her boobs and butt start descending with old age.
 Leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 53
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:24:12 AM
Sometimes people are "HONESTLY" stupid.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 54
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:55:42 AM

does he love her?

does he respect her?

is he loyal to her?

does he take care of a provide for her?

if he does all these more important things, then he is also entitled to his opinion.

MHO......She would be a fool to get a divorce.

Clearly to the subject of OP's post...love, respect, loyalty and all that jazz is meaningless if she's not considered attractive.

Clearly.
 sharpie64
Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 55
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:56:50 AM
Your partner does not have to find you attractive to love you. The “his point of view” reverse of that is “I can only love women I’m sleeping with”. That would label him as a bit of a narcissist. There is also a difference between being “attracted” and “seeing someone as attractive”. One is an adjective, the other is a noun.

The only question left for this woman is: Can she be happy in this relationship as it exists now? If the absence of sex leaves her feeling alone or if she needs the feelings that come with being lusted after then she might want to make other plans. If she sees the relationship is only half full then its time to get a full one. I don’t think this is all that unusual a situation especially among the 40+ members of America. There are people who are perfectly happy in a mutually sexless relationship. To each his/her own.
The one solution to this I’ve never liked was when one or both members of this relationship go out and have affairs. Then you hear the “ Oh it’s OK. He/she doesn’t mind. We have a open relationship” or “ they forced me into it”. I don’t know. It always seemed like the coward’s way out to me. Please people, have the courage to break it off and THEN move on if need be.

Peace
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 56
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:06:25 AM
8 years together and he doesn't find her attractive?? I don't get it, nor do I believe it. To say something like that to your partner is needlessly cruel, and should get you tossed out the door.

There is a word for someone of the opposite sex that you care about deeply, and yet don't find them particularly attractive personally...friend. You can be with someone that may not be empirically attractive by most standards, but to be intimately involved in a LTR there would have to be something that you personally find attractive in her/him, or else you're just fooling yourself, and likely waiting for something better to come along.
 tamzin01
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 57
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:09:27 AM
I think you have to be sexually attracted to the person you're dating, otherwise it's a friendship. I would find it hurtful and demoralising to have the special someone in my life say he doesn't find me attractive, and where is the love if he is saying things to your friend that hurt her in this way? He must know how he's making her feel unless he's a dull, insensitive plank. I think too that if he doesn't find her attractive, he's probably looking at women he does find attractive. Maybe he's not attractive enough to catch them, but that doesn't mean your friend should be treated as some sort of booby prize, and this sort of situation is really bad for her self esteem. I think she should maybe keep him as a friend, or dump him altogether, and look elsewhere for romance.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 58
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:17:22 AM
OP...........not sure why they would have gotten married, if he didn't find her attractive.
Is this like a Will & Grace scenario, a brother/sister or roommate situation? If the relationship was previously based on physical attraction as well.........I would start wondering if he is having an affair!!! What does he do to make her feel loved and is there any type of affection? Lack of major info here.......
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 59
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:22:55 AM
I have dated several men that I did not find particularly handsome, but was attracted to so many things about them as men that they became attractive to me as a whole person. As someone stated earlier, attractiveness to some is physical appearance, as is chemistry. Attractiveness and chemistry to me are not largely based on a man's appearance.
 wacowboy3
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 60
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:34:58 AM
Some clarifications:
1. The SEX I understand is still frequent and good.
2. The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
3. The guy doesn't harp about it on a daily basis. Its just this one time and she has taken it too hard (in my opinion)!
With the above information I find that most have missed the boat on this one in my opinion.
I have found in my relationships that there has to be some attraction. Now granted we are not all movie stars in the looks department,or model potentional, but I do believe that we all need to have an attraction to our S/O for real love to come into play. I think where real attraction comes in, it's a combination of looks and inner beauty. I have also found that if the relationship ends the attractivness fades also . The person we used to find attractive is no longer attractive to us because love is no longer there , either from growing apart, past hurts that come to mind, or things we have over looked in a relationship because we were in love.
So my answer is that yes I think she is over reacting, but the guy should have been more sensitive to her. I would not have said , that I dont find you attractive , rather that granted we are not movie start beautiful, I find you attractive because of your inner beauty. Your inner beauty makes up for any faults that we all have . I have found that someone that is movie star beautiful often lack the inner beauty that makes them truly beautiful . Steve
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 61
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 10:52:50 AM

The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!

A FAR cry from 'DOESN'T find you attractive!'
I agree with BDJ. Frankly if my SO told me we were only together because he found me 'physically' attractive, I'd be PISSED! Beauty fades, pretty lady, you'd better have something to back it up - and be glad your man appreciates THAT. I don't care how gorgeous you (think you) are, even silicone boobs droop eventually - and you won't always be able to bounce quarters off that tight bottom! Seriously OP, your 'friend' should drop to her knees in gratitude that her man thinks more of her than 'just a pretty face!' (And while she's down there. . .)
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 62
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:03:37 AM
It's a far cry from saying you're butt ugly but I love you despite the fact you scare the neighbourhood dogs. It's one thing to have a discussion where it's acknowledge that neither of you are in the running for the worlds 10 most beautiful people but another to have a discussion that would deliberately demean your partner. I don't see this as a case of the latter.
 InkyP
Joined: 10/27/2009
Msg: 63
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:32:50 AM
I would like to see a show of hands of those people out there that could have 1. frequent and good sex if they were NOT attracted to the other person.

This statement is also very ambiguous "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!

Let's break it down, (if it was just due to attractiveness) sounds like a statement of BEING ATTRACTED as ONE of the qualities.

It also has a generalization: (ever dated) now he is not the smartest person at MIT for saying this. We don't know if he was stoned or high on crack when he said this either. Did she have a gun pointed at his head wanting only the truth? Since we don't know the context in which it was said I cannot grasp what was meant.

Now if he was on top of her laying some pipe and said that, then yes she probably could come away with the "you think I am trailer trash now?" thought but he probably couldn't ride her the full 8 seconds after saying that.
 EmotionallyDetached
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 64
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:35:19 AM
Could it be that the person once found the wife attractive at some point and the wife "let herself go"? That happens sometimes that after sometime being married, women relax too much that they start getting sloppy.

I see no reason to divorce someone for this. Like I said, possibility is that the person has let their self go and really think about what they are feeling about themselves, as a sloppy appearance is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. If he is treating her good and he makes her happy, SHE might not see anything wrong with her appearance. She would, however, have to think about what he has said to her and start thinking about his happiness. If he hasn't told her to fix her appearance, that is not a biggie. It was sufficient with him telling her that he didn't find her attractive and that should have inspired her to ask questions about how he felt (digging a little deeper) and what would he like to see. I don't find this to be a shallow thing. The fact that she didn't care to ask what his feelings were with respect to a change, was his answer. He probably feels that she doesn't give a shit about herself.

The last thing a man wants to do is put a bag over his wife's head while he is making love to her, if in fact, he can bring himself to do it. I can imagine what the answers would be if this thread were about the wife telling her husband that she didn't find him attractive, then it would be okay. There was a reason why the husband was attracted to her in the first place.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 65
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:38:52 AM

"We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
How on earth is that saying he doesn't find her attractive??? He saying that he loves her for far more than simply her looks.. Sheesh.. Some women!!!
 Eyes O Blue 2
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 66
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:50:14 AM
The woman brought it up and maintained it was the MOST important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was JUST due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!


He didn't say he didn't find her attractive, he was simply disagreeing that attractiveness was the most important characteristic .

Geez Louise !
 acuddler
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 67
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:51:00 AM
A person can't love you unless they find you attractive on some level. The attraction need not be physical/sexual, but if the one who finds you sexually unappealing/ physically un-attractive is a spouse, the marriage is in danger if not actually doomed. This sounds like The Seven Year Itch thing...The Grass Is Always Greener Elsewhere Syndrome. After being together, familiarity breeds boredom if not actual contempt. The non-attracted one has spoken up, which is good. It gives the unattractive one the chance to get attractive. Sometimes a new hairdo/color, or fresh lingerie/sex games, will help. New clothes, new behaviors, new hobbies, etc, may help, too.

When most people 'fall in love', they really just fall into lust, or infatuation, and these soon fade. Then there is no real love, or basic compatibility, or such, to hold them together. The unattracive one needs to find a way to generate some new lust, or new infatuation, or at least start a good friendship with the unattracted spouse. Love can grow, but does so best when helped by friendship, and compatibility. Lust can aide in the short term, but is not a long term substitute for love, friendship, and compatibility.

The unattractive one needs to start wooing the unattracted one...as if dating again. The more different her: look, dress, method of wooing, places to go on dates, etc, are from her current/past styles the better the effect will be.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 68
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:02:42 PM
he loves everything about her
the sex is great
he did not bring it up
i think she would be a fool if she left, got angry, or hurt
not every man has the wisdom to look at the whole woman, and love that woman
i know from personal experience, i spent 12 years in a relationship with a woman that would be considered beautiful by any and all standards, truthfully an exceptionally physically attractive woman,that being said her personality was not bad either,but when 5 or 6 rolled around the drinking started, by about 9 she was ugly, an awful drunk, this went on everyday,worse on the weekends,she is an alcoholic, i seperated from her, and gave her a year to stop drinking, she chose booze over me, naturally i thought we would grow old together, i loved her very much, she was a wonderful partner when she was sober, so i need not say, i was heart broken
so i would say the lesson i learned is look at the whole person, not just the physical side before you fall in love
 Roni L
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 69
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:06:28 PM
The better question for the situation should be whether he loves her. Because love goes deeper than physical attraction
 Consigliori
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 70
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:25:50 PM

1. NO. It is not offensive enough for me to break it off. You don't expect him to find you attractive ALL the time.
2. He/She does not necessarily have to find you attractive to love you. Falling in love does not only happen because the person is attractive. I am talking from experience because I don't date guys just because they are necessarily attractive. Other qualities can (and usually do) take precedence.
3. See #2 above. Attractiveness is not the ONLY factor/quality a person falls in love with about another.


Post #5.
 junkyard dawg
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 71
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:30:43 PM
Op this poor guy put his foot in it, like many men do when questioned by women about delicate issues. Its actions that count in this world not words.He has shown by his actions i.e. a healthy sex life, an 8 year relationship, of loyalty and love that his does find her attractive.He only said they both had dated more attractive people in their day and have not we all.Those more attractive people were not the one, she was.Thats a compliment.
The guy was trying to compliment her but he messed up.He married her, obviously he finds her attractive.Logic dictates this.
She took something minor personally and would be an idiot to do anything but see the humor in this, grow up and let it go.
So she is not Megan Fox, who is.He finds her attractive for many things, not just her looks thats what he was trying to say.He was trying to show depth.
A little maturity is needed here by the lady in question and humility and a sense of the ridiculous, because this whole thing is ridiculous to any rational person.
We all find different people attractive, I like quirky looking men myself.I love old westerns and Lee van Cleef was sex on legs to me.
Tell her chillout, laugh at herself, take him to bed and smack his bottom for being cheeky.What a palaver over nothing.
 elitemind
Joined: 12/27/2009
Msg: 72
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:35:10 PM
The good news I'm happy that I'm alive and well

The bad news, people still don't get it, or maybe they don't read all the posts


Almost every post relates attraction as looks alone now


I've noticed so many people consider attractive to be equal to good looking, yeah it's a portion of looks, but to me being attractive is all around, looks, personality, and other characteristics.



There is a difference in attractive and good looking. Attractive is a word that sums up alot of characteristics so to speak, good looking is physical appearance alone.


For instance good looks is like ordering a Meal and having a nice soothing yummy steak brought to you, attractive is having that same steak brought, but also the potatoes, and veggies.

I know probably a bad illustration but I want people to get it.

I know maybe I'm way out their sometimes my opinion does seem to differ from the majority but, to me I cannot find someone attractive unless I know more about them than what they look like.

Being good looking is all nice and dandy, but it doesn't qualify someone as attractive, just yet, you need to bring a little more to the table to earn that right.


Again this is my take on attraction.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 73
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:38:41 PM
~OT~ Another thread that can be reduced to one simple thing: communication problems. No need for the to bury the dead horse here, it's pretty simple: he said something, she took it entirely TOO personal and now it's a thread in public forum. (Sounds to me like she needs to dig deep and figure out why she took his comment so seriously after 8 years of marriage....that's odd.) JMO
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 74
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:15:49 PM
This is kind of a "duh!" question to me.
Offensive? No. Reason for divorce, yes!
And no, depending on your definition of love, someone does NOT have to find you attractive to care about your well being, and be willing to take care of you. Few of our children would have survived if that were true. It DOES make for a very discouraging marriage, however. No attraction means no loving sex, and that's killed more marriages than probably anything else I've seen in my life.
 1Keith7
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 75
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:29:47 PM
A typical example of an insecure person.
He said nothing wrong. Interesting to read people saying "if he doesn't find her attractive = he doesn't/cannot love her"! May I ask if the reverse is true: " If you find her attractive = You can love her?" Nope!! What if she is horrible in all other ways?
Gee... there are so many people we come across who we find very beautiful but cannot stand their personality hence would not make for a good partner. And it is so true that most of us have dated people more attractive than ones that we settled in for LTRa.
I will be really worried and scared if my SO is with me only because they find me attractive, or even if my looks are the #1 reason (hopefully among many others) that they are with me. I would want to be wanted for more than attractiveness.
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