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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?      Home login  
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 CarpeOmnia
Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 101
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
The miracle, Virtue, is that you remained alive after that, to tell the tale...
 Honcho
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 102
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/11/2011 12:12:17 PM
Have you taken into consideration that just perhaps you have become a slob and let yourself go? How long has it been since you visited a beauty parlor? Do you ever wear clothes that he would consider sexy, like (depending on age, etc.)a mini skirt or a blouse that shows some cleavage? Are you one of those who possibly goes to bed with your hair in curlers, your cotton gown on, and cold cream on your face? There is a lot to consider here. He must have found you attractive 8 years ago???? You say in essence that the love is still there but the attraction is gone, then WORK ON IT GIRL!
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 103
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/12/2011 7:31:03 AM
Carpie:

Good point! Or that I remained a "whole" man!

Maybe she felt sorry for me because of my cheap wig??
 RockyDakota
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 104
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/12/2011 8:34:52 AM
Everyone here should know my stance on here about this. Physical attraction HAS to be there, or it's not going to work. End of story.
If she is getting involved with someone that she is not attracted to, she is either; Waiting to see if something sparks up her interest, this "Developmental Attraction" which is another way of saying that she is attracted you physically but she doesn't want to seem shallow, she thinks you're a great guy but is being cautious, she's keeping you around until something better comes along, or she has you in the friend zone.
It can be any number of things.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 105
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/12/2011 11:36:41 AM
you know.. i have been in relationships with men who were.. not so attractive.. in fact one guy looked like Santa claus.. Imagine that NAKED!

BUT.. he smelled good.. kissed good.. he had nice ears?.. i dunno

there was still chemistry somewhere! and friendship!

As I get older..I assume.. physical beauty is fading from us ALL!.. we will have to be attracted to attributes instead. If i happen to be in a relationship at 80.. do NOT tell me that i will be with a HAWT guy.. nor will my tube sock like boobs will be sexy!..

Depending on WHY she is not attractive.. she may need to step up her game.. Has she totally let her self go or something.. gained 300 lbs?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 106
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/12/2011 11:37:45 AM
You have been married to this man for 8 years now. He makes you happy. He loves you - deduced from his actions/behavior etc. He is all what you want except that he has told you that he doesn't find you attractive. He hasn't asked you to do anything per se to change your appearance. He just doesn't find you attractive.

Sounds like he has low-standards for being in a relationship.... or he's really not happy and is just a big-time passive-aggressive type: Not liking confrontation, and outwardly expressing themselves in a convincing positive way (actions/behavior), but underneath, it's actually negative. It'd definitely be why he wouldn't outline what she needs to do about her looks, etc -- as that brings up conflict and strong confrontation.

The gal shouldn't take it as offensive though -- she could have easily "let herself go". A gal should not react like he's criticizing her dance moves and is purely being critical and how-dare-he. Especially if he is being nice about it.

Yes, your partner has to find you attractive to be in full-love with them. But I will say that if they were already in full-circle love and their attraction worn away over time, in a committed relationship, that person can still make themselves attractive again, and should if it is about letting themselves go. Feelings go up and down over time -- the attachment & bonding still keeps a lot of the love there, but yeah, full-circle, you gotta pay attention to the attraction thing to some degree, otherwise, no matter what the other person says, the other dimensions of love will fade away.

Attraction is necessary. We become less picky about physical attraction after we have fallen in love with someone and bond very well with them. Each person varies. But if you get to the point where you don't find them physically attractive -- yes, it's a ticking time bomb for a breakup -- especially if the other person is looking good/better.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 107
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/12/2011 7:40:02 PM
I heard that one before. It can cause a break up in most cases. I dealt with this from experience
 Jerilyn
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 108
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/12/2011 8:30:59 PM
ouch!

My question is what would be the motive behind telling someone you love you don't find them attractive? Why would you hurt someone you "love" by saying that? Is it supposed to be an unspoken warning that maybe they have begun looking elsewhere? I would wonder about that. There's nothing to be gained by saying this to someone, otherwise, and no reason that I can think of unless they mean to hint that maybe they'll stray... He didn't try to suggest that she make herself more attractive for him, according to the OP. So that wasn't the motive.

Whatever his reasons, its an ugly thing to say.... It doesn't HAVE to be said.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 109
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/13/2011 4:00:57 AM
This is kind of a funny topic really isnt it?

Of course we SHOULD have countless zillions of people who NORMALLY claim that looks shouldnt matter, that preferring a partner to be attractive to you is "shallow" etc all saying "hell no, whats the problem"

But the reality of the situation is that its never gonna happen because it IS important

Really the marriage is kind of an upgraded FWB

Maybe slightly different benefits, but not a "real" relationship unless BOTH people have very low sex drives and libidos are just dont enjoy sex or being or feeling "attractive" with a partner

Realistically though, if they have spent the last 8 years plus the dating time before that "thinking" they thought they were attractive and have only recently found out they didnt its obviously not that big a deal within the relationship otherwise they never would have ended up being married or the marriage would have ended sooner

So the only "real" problem here is she has found out that he doesnt see her as she "thought" he did. Boo hoo to that. She has just join the other countless billions of people on the planet who also assume theyre more "perfect' in the eyes of their partner than they really are from both genders

As for her "not being married to a gay man" unless shes a mind reader or psychic she really wouldnt know this

Concepts like gaydar and being able to "just tell" are vastly overstated, So is the value of "attraction" for some people

Infact its not unknown for someone to "marry safe" to somebody who ticks all the boxes except sex appeal due to infidelity caused by a steady bombardment of temptation being a very common cause of marriages ending

If everything else except this is just peachy in her marriage why is she complaining? Its instantly doing much better than most anyway
 Euroalex
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 110
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/13/2011 4:25:45 AM
lets get down to basics:



He makes you happy.


would you trade him for someone who
-does not make you happy,
-but finds you attractive?

for example a guy that beats you every week from jealousy?
a man who thiks you are superattractive, so you canot even look at other men....

Now...another question is:
is he happy with the situation?

Bottom line is, if you are both happy together, dont change it!

Just laugh of yourself, maybe he is right: this woman is ugly, lol.

Just be proud of you you have other values - you can cook well etc.

Cooking well in a relationship ca be much more importat than looks!
 Shy--kat
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 111
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/11/2012 8:06:36 PM
Thats exactly what the dumb arse does. only does it after you wasted 5 friggin years on him!
met the idiot here 5 years ago. Had one good year together..then things went to crap.
fighting fighting & more fighting. tried to make it work, but was pointless...finally get hi
To tell the truth about how he felt...then he says he loves me but I'm not physically attractive to him anymore.
What a waste of my time!!
 cautiousluv
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 112
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/11/2012 9:04:47 PM

Is this offensive enough to want to break it off?


I'm not sure if "offensive" is the right word....but if it were set in stone and there wasn't anything in particular I could do to be attractive to him again....then I would have a serious problem staying in a situation like that but not just for the mere fact the he didn't find me attractive anymore.....but because I know that would just be a symptom of a bigger problem. The way a person looks changes over the years.....people age.....and at the same time....the love the couple has for each other *should* grow and deepen so now....it's not mainly all about the physical attraction like it usually is at the beginning of most relationships.
 damsel19
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 113
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/11/2012 10:20:16 PM
He is waiting for the opportunity to leave and he may have someone else on the side anyway. Who knows??? Of course the first lustful few years never continues in the same passionate way if it ever was that. Marriage means familiarity and that can be a turn off for some people. It must be hurtful for you but men often get bored with the "same old cow" and if you have not put on weight or aged greatly then it is just that you may drift on being companions and friends. He may be a closet gay or has sexual problems.

Either way it is a serious issue and I can imagine how it makes you feel. Do you still fancy him by the way?

Scientists will tell you that men typically should change partners every 7 years and are wired for that. How many have affairs on the side after a few years. Many!!

Once the attraction wanes then children will keep a couple together or finances or lack of opportunities elsewhere. Probably more common than you think and I have certainly seen that in my life.
 damsel19
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 114
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/11/2012 10:24:35 PM
Honcho

Where have you been living, in a time warp???. Women no longer wear curlers or cold cream to bed. Married for eight years probably not very old either. A little role play in the bedroom may spice things up but he may just be over it all.
 damsel19
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 115
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/11/2012 10:34:19 PM
DebiDuzDishes

If you didn't like the idea of a guy naked then why did you settle for him? Loneliness?? Lack of self esteem? Sounds like you settled, a few times. I know that happens..
Friendship is one thing but...

As you say as we age we are not so hot and look for other things. Once we are past breeding age looks no longer matter so much.
 AddiosSanibel
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 116
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/11/2012 10:51:48 PM
I totally get it. I think what the person is trying to tell you is that they don't find you per se classically beautiful or physically their ideal, however, they find you attractive in other ways that are loveable. Personally, I think that a sense of humor is very attractive. I also like kind and caring people. Plus, just because someone isn't beautiful doesn't mean that they can't be sexy and charming. Looks aren't everything. It would be a much bigger cause for concern if this person didn't love you or they had commitment issues.
 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 117
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/12/2012 8:12:15 AM
Men say the stupidist stuff sometimes... that doesn't at all come accross as how they meant it.

Looks fade... familiarity breeds contempt... etc etc.

If he is in love as you say... then he is blind to the things that are not all that important to him...

For all I know she has gone from 135# to 300#+??? Who cares and it doesn't really matter!!! HE LOVES HER... isn't that enough? If she can do things that he is going to be attracted to in her great... but don't screw up the things he already loves about her in the process.

Anyone who would destroy an 8 year old marriage because their spouse is open and honest (even if not put in the best way) should get their head examined... she doesn't deserve him!
 Packard77
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 118
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/14/2012 2:09:53 PM
So from what i gather from the responses, One can only be in love (or love someone dearly) if they find him or her attractive. I personally don't agree with that.
Someone doesn't have to find you attractive to love you (or be in love with you). Infact, i would rather they love me more than find me attractive. Love grows' supposedly. I can't say that about attractiveness.

So yes, I think it would be stupid to throw away the relationship because of this comment. Are we that fickle to infer that she destroys everything of 8 years because of a single comment?
I guess it would have been better for the man to say "I find you very attractive but I don't love you".

"Beauty" doesnt hold a relationship together as it fades over time. "Love" on the other hand, tends to keep a relationship going.
 magenta_butterfly
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 119
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/14/2012 7:03:32 PM
I think what separates a friendship from a romantic relationship is that friends DO NOT find each other attractive. If I wanted a husband, there'd be attraction. Otherwise, it's just a friendship. Maybe find out when he stopped finding her attractive or just lose him as a hubby and keep the friendship.
 CulturedBlackMan
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 120
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/14/2012 7:20:21 PM
It couldnt be me, I couldnt be with a woman I didnt find attractive, and while Im not the best looking guy in the county (not world)....Id be hurt if my wife said I was unattractive to her.....

NOW ON THE OTHER HAND....Ive seen guys with wives that made me wonder WTF....she must make one hell of a peach cobbler.....

Hey I dont have a wife...so what do I know?
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 121
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/14/2012 10:45:30 PM
Some of the most amusing threads are the ones several years old that are suddenly getting answers again like it started yeaterday...

Okay, it's a good idea to always go through all the pages and at least find any extra clarification from the OP... Here's what I got out of it: The guy didn't say "I don't find you attractive" . He had a debate w his wife about qualities important in a relationship, she kept insisting physical atttraction was a top priority, he insisted it wasn't. To make his point he informed her that they wouldn't be married if it was just about physical attraction and even said something like "I'm sure neither of us is the most attractive the other dated."

So basically, she's not the prettiest woman he dated... nor does he believe he is the best looking guy she's ever dated. That doesn't mean she's NOT attractive. I would see this as a benefit. If I was chosen over a prettier woman with the understanding that I had more to offer in the long run... that's a good thing.

So, YES, physical attraction matters... and no, I don't intend to keep the "hottest" guy I find, I intend to keep the hottest guy I'm compatible with and fall madly in love with... I hope in the years between this being posted and now, that wife pulled her head out of her a$$ and saw what a great man she had.
 RunningFool7
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 122
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/14/2012 11:08:47 PM
He was attracted to the person once upon a time. What changed?
 Jac_the_Gripper
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 123
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/15/2012 9:16:54 AM
It depends on how that was worded and how the wording has changed with second, or third hand information.

"I find you unattractive" is different from recognising that someone might not be considered the most sparkling gem in the box.

If you had a long-term relationship with someone you were madly in love with and they became facially rearranged through an accident, would you necessarily expect to stop wanting them? Would you have preferred that they had died in the accident?
 Packard77
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 124
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/15/2012 9:22:26 AM
Reading through all the posts, I came across some clarifications from the OP....read Msg 42.

Some clarifications:
1. The SEX I understand is still frequent and good.
2. The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
3. The guy doesn't harp about it on a daily basis. Its just this one time and she has taken it too hard (in my opinion)!


In the context above, I don't think it is offensive and she will be stupid to ruin their marriage based on it.
 dazzd_n_confuzzd
Joined: 1/20/2012
Msg: 125
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/15/2012 11:26:37 AM
yes it is a cause for concern.
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