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 misszmsz
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 51
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Dropping the Ball....Page 3 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
9 meetings in a month is sure a resourseful way to use the online personals. Good for you for finding that many potential partners to connect with.

For myself, I usually connect with 1 out of 10 guys I meet with, so your high interest in 2.5 men out of 9 guys is about 30% success rate.

Now if you had followed up on those 3 guys you had some interest in, by CALLING them I'm sure you would have had a 2nd date with at least 1 of these guys, if not all of them.

If you won't directly invite a guy for a 2nd date, ask him indirectly to join you and your friends to shoot some pool or have a drink. Make sure you call him a few days before to TELL him where you are going to be. This way he can make plans and choose if he wants to show up.

When you CALL him, if it goes to voice mail, leave a MESSAGE and invite him to bring a buddy or 2 along.

This also sets the stage for further communication, even if he declines on the phone call or dosen't show up at the activity you had invited him to. If necessary, make another casual invite a couple of weeks later.

If the invite dosen't work the 2nd time, he is definitely not interested.

If he shows up with a friend or two to the activity, then he could possibly be interested in seeing how you act with other people, getting his friends opinion or seeing if you have any hot girlfriends.

It is so much easier to call someone directly than it is to TEXT with inuendo.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 52
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:52:40 PM

ask him indirectly to join you and your friends to shoot some pool or have a drink.


That would have worked well 10 years ago, before all my friends got married. I have no one to shoot pool with or have drinks with anymore...
 Consigliori
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 53
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:54:14 PM
2 dates a week seems like a lot to me. How do you manage to juggle so many people and still have a life?

You have some strong opinions in some of the forums. Maybe you should ease up for the first date. There isn't anything wrong with being assertive or opinionated, but an unsolicited or unwanted opinion from a friend is ok, where the same opinion from someone I just met may be distasteful.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 54
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:00:22 PM

2 dates a week seems like a lot to me. How do you manage to juggle so many people and still have a life?

You have some strong opinions in some of the forums. Maybe you should ease up for the first date. There isn't anything wrong with being assertive or opinionated, but an unsolicited or unwanted opinion from a friend is ok, where the same opinion from someone I just met may be distasteful. .


What do you mean by still "have a life"....isn't going out several nights a week 'having a life'?

I'm not opinionated on the first date at all...I'm friendly, easy going, etc....
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 55
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:09:01 PM
Tracy, it really is that easy to call a guy and ask him out. If you don't have any single friends with whom you get together semi-regularly, to h*** with that cover story and just tell the guy "I sure do miss getting together with friends and doing so-n-so. Would YOU care to join me?" Or maybe some kind of professional function for which you would prefer to have an escort? Of course, that would be reserved for one of the guys you've met who obviously knows how to conduct himself at such a function.
 Consigliori
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 56
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:11:01 PM

What do you mean by still "have a life"....isn't going out several nights a week 'having a life'?


Perhaps it is for you. Going out with virtual strangers twice a week would not be a life I would want to live. I would prefer to do something with friends or family, or to do something I enjoy doing for myself.


I'm not opinionated on the first date at all...I'm friendly, easy going, etc....


Then that is not the problem.
 bluesandrock
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 57
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:11:28 PM
Tracy,

I doubt you are dropping the ball at all, this just seems how online dating is. The majority of my first meets rarely translate into a second date and I have only made it to the 3rd date or beyond with 4 -5 people in the past couple years of online dating. I know it is not me because I am totally awesome ;) but I do realize that I am just not everyone's cup of tea and it is going to take awhile before I find someone that clicks with me as well as I click with them.

I would not call up the guys and ask them where you went wrong. Even if you get a straight answer from them, all you are going to get is that one person's opinion on why they did not want to see you again. Also do not discount that all your dates have been during the holiday season. People get lonely during the holidays and might just be going out to go out and want nothing more than a warm body to occupy the time with.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 58
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:17:50 PM

Perhaps it is for you. Going out with virtual strangers twice a week would not be a life I would want to live. I would prefer to do something with friends or family, or to do something I enjoy doing for myself.
.


I wish I could do something with friends but they all got married and started popping out babies on me...and moved out to the 'burbs so I don't see them too much anymore. I'm alone a lot. Just me and my teenage son and our dog. That's not much of a life either...so if I can get dress up in a cute outfit and have dinner or drinks one or two nights a week its good for me....
 indefatigabilis
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 59
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:29:59 PM
All I have to go by here is that I have read some of your forum posts. I have an impression based on some of the things you have said. Other than that, I couldn't guess why the nine men didn't ask you out a second time. In general terms, it has to be something. General terms can be useless. For there to be an invitation to a second date the person asking has to have a reason to do so. Without knowing the men and what they want or how they felt, it's impossible to know why they didn't ask you out again. I like to keep in mind that dating can be a matter of meeting people until a match is apparent, which can easily take dating many people since matches are certainly harder to come by than one in nine, or even one in ninety. Maybe the expectation that finding a match should happen each time is unrealistic.
 misszmsz
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 60
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:31:39 PM
TracyAnn,

Go back and read your original question - did you drop the ball in your communication?

Yes, you did by not following up on the guys who you seemed to have a slight interest in.

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take." - Wayne Gretzky, a very simple way to express what every sales person knows, if you don't ask for the money/deal (date) you won't get it.
 Music in Season
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 61
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:55:36 PM
I think there's a high percentage of people who lack the motivation to pursue relationships. The fact that online dating is "backwards" from the way people used to meet, as a previous poster pointed out, may account for some of this.

Before the days of online dating, people may have known each other through shared interests or activities over a significant period of time, and then one day they realized they'd developed more intense feelings for each other. But in these days of online dating, I think a lot of people expect the intense feelings a lot sooner, and often on the first date; and if they don't feel the intensity right away, they bail.

I can usually tell right away if someone is definitely not right for me, but if there's a neutral zone there, it's possible that feelings would develop over time if given a chance, or it's possible that I would find out over time that the relationship wasn't really right for me. Time would show how that plays out.

OP, I don't know if your dates were in the "unmotivated" category or if there may have been some perceived incompatibility on their part, but you yourself seem like a very motivated person and that's a good quality. Hang in there and keep trying!
 1kindMan4U
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 62
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:02:30 PM
Yeah.. 9 planets in the solar system that ARENT being drawn towards the sun would sure SEEM to make the statement that this particular SUN has no attraction/gravity to keep them circling. It isnt the planet's fault at all.

The poster that hinted at the general tone of the posts here as being somewhat UNappealing/harsh/judgemental/etc sure danced around that one.

A zebra doesnt change her stripes and become a horse.

I re-iterate my suggestion to call some or all of those 9 like you are doing a survey and ASK them in a non-accusatory, NON-defensive manner about what happened and look for any commonality in their responses. Leave your FEELINGS in the other room and learn about yourself from 9 strangers that at one time you liked enough to go out with.

Remember.. Men PURSUE vigorously the women they are attracted to.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 63
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:05:27 PM
If there is a lack of communication on my part, I'd like to do something about it. Since my last date was Friday and I am interested in seeing him again, should I call him and ask? message him? text him? We've been texting back and forth a little since, but no plans on meeting agan yet...should I drop a hint?

I'm so not comfortable with calling a man and asking him out...but *if* thats where I'm dropping the ball I'd like to do something about it - but I don't want to appear 'needy' or too aggressive...
 LifesSimplicity
Joined: 12/28/2009
Msg: 64
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:06:03 PM
Sure Sweetie, why not?
When you say I make it sound so easy, why is it the man should have to do the "hard" work.... It isn't as hard as it sounds, just have a little confidence, the same confidence you have when you were coaching your son's lil league team.....
I bet after doing it once, you won't be so shy to do it again, and eventually hey who knows these second date blunders will turn into a long term great relationship...

(Want me to call for you?) ;p JK.

Hey you may get the answering machine, then it is all easy!!
 LifesSimplicity
Joined: 12/28/2009
Msg: 65
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:09:07 PM
Maybe you should post a Looking for Female friends ad up too....
;p On here, atleast you know you are both in the same boat.....
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 66
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:20:12 PM

I'm so not comfortable with calling a man and asking him out...but *if* thats where I'm dropping the ball I'd like to do something about it - but I don't want to appear 'needy' or too aggressive


Well, if the date was just a couple days ago and you've still been in contact with him since, then I wouldn't completely write him off.

I don't think it's necessary to ask him out, but I would definitely call him, chit chat a little and then say again that you enjoyed the date and "we should do it again some time". If he doesn't follow up after that, then he's either not interested/attracted or has a bulb burned out in his string of lights.






~ds~
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 67
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:24:23 PM

Since my last date was Friday and I am interested in seeing him again, should I call him and ask? message him? text him? We've been texting back and forth a little since, but no plans on meeting agan yet...should I drop a hint?
I'm so not comfortable with calling a man and asking him out...but *if* thats where I'm dropping the ball I'd like to do something about it - but I don't want to appear 'needy' or too aggressive...

At the very least text/write/tell him how much you are looking forward to seeing him again and hope it will be soon.
 pirateheaven
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 68
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:26:46 PM
It could be that you are not expressing interest in the guys you'd like to see again. I'd spend more time emailing before meeting.
 misszmsz
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 69
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:57:37 PM
If you can get the courage up to call him that would be the best. It will show him he is not always going to have to initate everything.

Everyone fears rejection, so remember he does too.

If you are too scared to call, then text, "Let's play pool or go bowling on Friday or Saturday, OK?" If you ask him by using a statement, he will think you are sure of yourself.

Don't just say, "Let's do something." (or) "Do you want to do something on the weekend?" This is too vague.

Invite him out by asking a question that CAN NOT be answered by yes or no. Always expect the answer to be yes, even though he might say NO.

If he says he already has plans, don't be discouraged, just invite him somewhere the following week.

As a woman, just because you ask a guy out does not make you needy or aggressive, it just shows him your interest.

I bet you will end up meeting for a second date.
 aaamm
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 70
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 3:07:10 PM
Tons of people don't agree with me about this and it isn't any guarantee, but seems like you were courting quite a few men at the same time, I can't imagine you knowing any of them well before you went out. I always felt like I had some connection to my date before we went out, knew something about them, talked on the phone a couple weeks before going out, no not every day, but enough that I focused on one guy at a time and knew who they were. Going out with more than one guy in a week, did you really focus on each person? I am getting the feeling that you didn't and they knew it and got that feeling too.

To get a second or third or whatever date, you need to have connected more than just the bs chemistry, you really should feel like friends...imo
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 71
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 3:21:18 PM

If you are too scared to call, then text, "Let's play pool or go bowling on Friday or Saturday, OK?" If you ask him by using a statement, he will think you are sure of yourself.


So if i text him and say "do you want to grab dinner Wednesday or Thursday night?" that's ok?
 1kindMan4U
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 72
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 3:25:26 PM
no no no.. dont text him with that

offer Friday or Sat night..

and CALL him, dont text
 itzame
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 73
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 3:35:30 PM
Absolutely right. And putting off the meeting for longer is not going to help. You need to meet and see if there is something clicking and if there is, pursue (gently). As women, we haven't been the "askers" in the dating world. It's changed now and you have to be brave and not mind rejection.....men know all about this. No thin skin. If they want to see you again, they'll let you know one way or another after you contact them again after a first meeting. Be brave.
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 74
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Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 3:38:37 PM
OMG, seriously. I am not one to say too much in these forums, but after reading this whole thread I really feel the need.

You have pretty much only a few choices:

1- Sit, wait and wonder if you did something that the men did not like

2- pick up the phone, call and ask them to do something

3- If they do not want to go out with you again after you ask and you are still curious what the reason is, then send an email like a previous poster said, explaining that you would like the cold hard truth of why they were not interested or attracted to you. It is not an easy thing to ask or answer so for that one I do recommend email for communication.

One thing is for sure, no one in this forum has gone out with you and coming here is not going to get you any kind of answer. Empathy, sympathy, yes. An answer, no.

Good luck, I hope you get what you want.
 aaamm
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 75
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/4/2010 3:42:24 PM
Why don't you just email and thank him for the date and say you would like to do it again real soon? Why call him so fast, why not wait? I THINK it sounds desperate or too soon!
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