Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Dropping the Ball....      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 aaamm
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 101
Dropping the Ball....Page 5 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I just don't think you are getting to know these guys before you go out with them. I admit that many disagree that you shouldn't waste time, but I think that emailing and talking on the phone you get to know them. If you are going out with two guys a week, you can not tell me without note cards, you can keep them straight or know enough about them to connect. A date every other week might increase your odds, that is my opinion.

I also think you could have emailed that other man that you had the date with and told him that you had a great time and would love to do it again. Now if he responded to that in a positive way, ok, then call him or perhaps he would have called you. No reason to push. Let him absorb the date and see if he did enjoy it.

I was glad to read that you weren't making people go to high end restaurants all the time. It is easy to call restaurants and find out prices of meals or look on the internet. I love restaurant.com, they link restaurants websites and you can get a discount by buying a coupon. I think it is like $15 for a $25 coupon. Sometimes it is less. I always look at the prices on menus. I order something I would like to eat, but if I think something is priced higher than I can afford, I don't order it. Of course we all know there are many threads on who buys...

Try to remember that when you go through your candy really fast, it is all gone...
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 102
view profile
History
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 8:36:49 AM
This is definitely one of the most productive threads that I've participated in on POF. Very thought provoking. Bottom line is that communication is key. Texting is efficient, but sometimes short messages can be misinterpreted as something negative when perhaps it isn't.

BTW, I got a copy of "He's Not That Into You" for Christmas. Haven't read it yet, but I know I will take it with a big grain of salt and perhaps for laughs.
 tallvibez
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 103
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 8:54:21 AM
Tracy, I like your approach... asking for feedback and constructive criticism.

Here are some questions for you:
-What is your ultimate goal in dating?
-How desperate are you to find what you are desiring?
-What are the turn ons about a man?
-What are your greatest expectations from a date?
-What do you tend to talk about during these dates?
-How honest are you willing to be with these men?

Also here is a tip:
If you want be more successful in dating men, then you must better understand a man's true nature, what he is raised to like and what stresses him about women. If you are really keen on learning then you should start here.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 104
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:04:39 AM

If you want be more successful in dating men, then you must better understand a man's true nature.


Maybe that's the problem...most of us women are confused about what mans true nature is...
 chrisofpa
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 105
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:05:03 AM
OP

Here are some random thoughts. A lot of it involves trying to try to do an objective evaluation of yourself. There are a lot of times during and after a date where I slap my forehead over something I did or didn't do (actually I don't really slap my forehead DURING a date)

1. Sometimes a guy will meet an attractive, engaging woman and get a bit scared off thinking that she would not want him. Make sure you aren't unconciously projecting what is sometimes called a b*tch shield.

2. Pay attention to body language and eye contact. There are some good books available on body language. It's weird but it does make a difference. Women are usually a lot better at reading and projecting BL than men. You girls have the super digitial , high speed version 15.o BL computer. Most guys are stuck with an Eniac vacuum tube version. I had never paid attention to things such as indicators of interest such as a when a woman starts playing with her hair. Now that I am a bit more aware of BL, things are a lot better.

3. How are you with touch? I'm not talking about groping, but the simple pat on the elbow stuff. Touch is a very powerful bonding thing.

4. Try to be in a great frame of mind on the way to the date. We all have issues at home. Be sure to leave them behind. Try to listen to some upbeat music beforehand (for me it's something like Within temptation, blondie, the grateful dead , buffet etc).

You might want to look at the whole PUA (Pickup artist) thing. There is a lot of stuff there about the psychology of attraction. It isn't about FFFF but can explain a lot of the interactions. Some aspects to look at are

The Mystery Method - Mystery was a PUA who was a bit of an oddball. However, he came up with the "Mystery method" of meeting women. He basically broke the interactions between men and women down and distilled it into a model. You won't find this in college. However, the model does, IMHO, provide a pretty good synopsis of how attraction works. The part that I think might be missing with you is that women have to have an attraction to the man and she sends the signals out. We men only think we are initiating things.

IOIs (indicators of interest) - These are body language and action things that women usually send subconciously to men to indicate that they are interested. I mentioned before about playing with their hair. There are also things like adjusting your shirt or skirt (and I am not talking about unbuttoning and letting the girls fall out.. it is much more subtle)


Being Needy - This applies a lot more to guys, but it also applies somewhat to women. If a guy acts needy around women, he gets the boot. For some guys, if a woman seems too serious initially, they run for the hills. Also, if you let go and go to a date with no expections things will go a lot better.

Kino - That is a fancy BS term for non-sexual touching. It's also coupled with anchoring. Anyway, I was previously a pretty reserved person about touching either in a dating situation or even in business. I've gotten over that and it has made a huge difference.

Elicitation of Values - Essentially the idea is to get past 'fluff talk' and try to find out what the other person really values. (Mystery has a lot on this). This can be abused if you fake holding the same values. However, used properly, it can create a better bond beteen you if you hold similar values.

The PUA stuff can't be reversed so that women can use the same techniques because there are fundamental differences in the way we think. However, that community does have a lot of interesting information that you will not find easily elsewhere. You will probably come across a lot of stuff while reading that is repulsive. Try to ignore that.

I have an MBA and 27 credits after my Masters. I have to say that the PUA community has a lot more data and information collected on human interaction than all the psyc courses combined. Think of it as an advanced practicum.

Good luck.
 Vicshe
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 106
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:12:36 AM

but I always thought that if a guy was interested he'd call....

He would. Sure, you could call and ask him out, and yes, it is the 21st century. But most men still realize that most women aren't going to make that next call. If he is interested, he won't be waiting and wishing and hoping you would call him.

As for having a camera following you around, there is this very helpful little thing Jung called the "observing ego." No camera needed. You only have to become aware of it to put it to use. When you do, it quickly becomes second nature.
 chrisofpa
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 107
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:14:20 AM
Here is a link to the Mystery Method Model

http://www.seductionbase.com/mysterymethod.htm

Of course, you will have to reverse engineer things a bit.

also, take a look at the 'Push-pull' for building tension. They talk about sexual tension but it is also about basic attraction tension. You need to pull back a bit once in a while. If either partner keeps plowing ahead trying to force a connection, it will probably fail.

EDIT Let me add that the mystery method end with sex. Keep in mind that the principles of attraction do not require that to be the end result. I believe that the model can also be used to describe how relationships get started.
 tallvibez
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 108
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:37:36 AM

Maybe that's the problem...most of us women are confused about what mans true nature is...


OP, isn't that sad!?!?

Think about it... spending all this time chasing after something you really don't understand...

If most women weren't so wrapped in fairytale land, they would not only understand men better, they would be having far better experiences than the ones currently being had.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 109
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:43:10 AM

spending all this time chasing after something you really don't understand...
.


Yeah, but we can't understand someone who isn't allowing us to understand them.

I'm not wrapped up in a fairytail, I just want someone, for once, to be honest with me.

Like, I actually stepped up , messaged this guy and asked him to meet me for dinner this week at this awesome local place and he didn't give me a direct answer....why not just say "I had fun the other night, but I'm not interested in anything right now" or whatever...
 tallvibez
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 110
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:58:44 AM
Yeah, but we can't understand someone who isn't allowing us to understand them.


Communication is far more non-verbal than verbal. You must not only be aware of this but also embrace it. Do you walk around being completely honest with people? Do you sometimes tell white lies to not hurt others' feelings? The truth is tha almost all of us (men and women) are a bit shy about being completely honest because we wish to avoid certain consequences. So, you cannot rely on words alone ever if you are earnestly seeking to deal with reality. The truth, verbally, will only come from people who are highly secure or who truly trust you with their truth.


I actually stepped up , messaged this guy and asked him to meet me for dinner this week at this awesome local place and he didn't give me a direct answer....why not just say "I had fun the other night, but I'm not interested in anything right now" or whatever...


Again, I like to know how easy it is for you to be completely honest with your dates, especially those who are interested in you yet it is not mutual? Most of us are just not in the business of disappointing other people. Dating is the last place to be completely honest because self-esteems are at greater stake.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 111
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 10:01:57 AM
^^^ in a situation like mine (through text) it would have been easy for him to politely decline and wish me luck. I'm always honest with people, but I'm cool about it. I guess I just get frustrated when people aren't being upfront with me. ...

That was the first time ever in my life I stepped up and asked someone out, and the outcome wasn't so good....maybe this is a good lesson for me.
 amillio-bello
Joined: 10/22/2009
Msg: 112
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 10:05:48 AM
I think you are. I honestly cannot explain it, but I had gone through some/many of your posts and your profile, and I don't know something is not there. Meaning your attitude in some places it can (atleast to me) come across as arrogant , self-conceded and just not the kind many guys would be able to to get comfortable with.
 tallvibez
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 113
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 10:10:41 AM

That was the first time ever in my life I stepped up and asked someone out, and the outcome wasn't so good....maybe this is a good lesson for me.


OP... it is not very realistic to expect anything to work in one's favor on the 1st attempt. You should know this.

Again, as long as you ignore non-verbal communication, you will continue to get confused and frustrated. I totally feel your pain too
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 114
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 10:15:35 AM

Meaning your attitude in some places it can (atleast to me) come across as arrogant , self-conceded .


Its so bizzare that people here think that because in real life no one would say that about me...they would say the complete opposite (I think). Usually I get a lot of "you're too insecure" "you're too needy"....

So odd for me....2 have 2 sets of people (friends in real life vs. forum people) who have completely different takes on me....
 WinstonDoubtfire
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 115
view profile
History
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 10:16:40 AM
Well Tracy, look at it this way...at least they didn't practically barf on you.

 voshie
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 116
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 10:25:03 AM
its not you..its definately them!!

apparently they think they've gotten what they wanted from you or what they think is all you have to offer..sometimes thats about sex..sometimes its about not getting it from you readily so you arent the easy prey they were after...write them off and move on..they have...its their loss, not yours!!

fyi...98% of men on dating sites arent after anything long term..thats just the facts of how things have evolved ...do learn from the patterns you've noticed in their mannerisms to help weed out the womanizers
 ProcolHarem
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 117
view profile
History
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 10:29:06 AM
^^^Wow...How quickly some people blame guys without any facts to back it up.

WE WEREN'T THERE!!!

Maybe he was flirting with the waitress?
Maybe she was flirting with the waiter?
Maybe he found her less attractive in person?
Maybe she talked about herself all night?
Maybe he thought she was "too good" for him?

WTF KNOWS? I don't know either, but I do know this. The ONLY two people who know are the lovely Tracy and the guy she was with. ONE OF THEM KNOWS.
 amillio-bello
Joined: 10/22/2009
Msg: 118
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 10:40:59 AM
its not you..its definately them!!


Whoever "them" is you are most definately in the same boat by reading the tone of your post!!


... they think they've gotten what they wanted from you or what they think is all you have to offer..sometimes thats about sex..sometimes its about not getting it from you readily so you arent the easy prey they were after.


Going into story telling I see?? Try to reflect on the situation before making premature assumptions about men in general!!!!!!


move on..they have.


Thats right they have, and I suspect for a legitamite reason too, maybe not all, but perhapes most of them have for good reasons.


its their loss, not yours!!


How do know that by just making up premature assumptions about something you don't know to be totally true.


fyi...98% of men on dating sites arent after anything long term..thats just the facts of how things have evolved


Well when you start to take everything into account, you wonder why?! Don't tell me guys don't want long term, but try to think about why this may be the case. By the way, fyi that's a major generalization don't you think?? 98%?? Come on!!!!


do learn from the patterns you've noticed in their mannerisms to help weed out the womanizers


I beg your pardon?!?!, What exactly is a womanizer??
 BigDKGRGFM
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 119
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 11:00:12 AM
OP,
Sounds like you ran into flakes, nothing more then that.

Before meeting my girlfriend, I had a few 1st dates where after that date I would text or call the lady, say what a great time I had and that I would love to do it again in the near future. They would reply that they had such a great time, liked me so much, we HAVE to go out again. Then,..... NOTHING. I cannot get in touch with them. One in fact kept making "plans" to meet me for a game of pool, and blowing me off.

Welcome to the instant gratification that is dating today. They ran into another woman more then likely and decided not to pursue you, for whatever reason.

Sorry, it sucks but from what you described it's probably nothing you did or did not do. They just decided to go for someone else.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 120
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 11:18:39 AM

That was the first time ever in my life I stepped up and asked someone out, and the outcome wasn't so good....maybe this is a good lesson for me.


So what next? Can't take the rejection? Guys deal with this all the time. That is what we go through and you know what. You say, their lost not mine. And you move on, and if in the next date the signals fly back and forth, and the chemistry is there, you move to the next stage.

Now, I don't have anything against going out with a bunch of guys. But I would space them out a little more. That way what you are thinking about one guy, doesn't intermix with what you are thinking about the other. Remember that like you, many guys want to find "The ONE." And when they know that tomorrow you have another date, with someone else, they may go wow. Not interested in this fish.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 121
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 11:34:36 AM

I don't have anything against going out with a bunch of guys. But I would space them out a little more.


Yeah - I think I'm going to take some time off and evaluate what I'm doing wrong. Could be that my 'picker' is off...Its weird, though - I just tossed my hat back in the dating ring 5 weeks ago...
 aaamm
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 122
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 11:38:40 AM
DON'T TEXT...geez...read the threads, it is still a non confrontational and non personal method of asking someone out. If you really wanted to go out with him, you should have called him and then you couldn't beitch about a typed response. Don't text or call a guy 3 days after a date, geez, talk about moving fast, imo. Alls you needed to do is send him a nice email telling him you enjoyed the date and wanted to do it again some time and then gauged his response. I know you aren't that desperate to find people to date you, so exercise a little patience next time. Email, get to know them a bit, talk on the phone, but not talk on the phone to multiple people, do one at a time so you KNOW just that person.

Give it a try, what do you have to loose?
 BigDKGRGFM
Joined: 10/10/2009
Msg: 123
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 12:15:03 PM

Don't text or call a guy 3 days after a date, geez


One of the famous "rules" like never compliment a woman, always act like you could care less about her, hit on her friend instead to create jealousy so the one you want will practically throw herself at you. Don't call, email or text a chick for 3-5 days after the date to make her think you are super busy and have 5 other women you are nailing.

That is why I don't pay attention to said "rules" My GF and I had our first phone conversation after 2 messages back and forth, so in 1 night we messaged off of this site, exchanged numbers and talked on the phone. Next day we had a date, met at starbucks for the initial feel, then when things kept going went on a 3 hour walk. Had our next date the following day, date 3 about 2 days after. We have been together for 7 months now.

All the women I played these "games" with I had one date, maybe 2 with. They either thought I had no interest or I thought they had no interest.

Tracy, what guys feel is obsessive is if you call 10 times a day, b i tching them out if they don't answer every time. If you call, say I had a good time on the date and would love to set up a time to see you again, then leave it at that they will know that a....
You like them enough to go out with them again and b....
You are patient.

All that these "rules" will get you are guys following their own rules... like dump a chick if she doesn't put out by date 3 for example.

Just take it easy, don't try to rush the guy, let him know you enjoyed his company and would like to do so again in the future. Forget the rules. I did and you know how things have gone for my GF and I.
 Just_Jay79
Joined: 10/11/2005
Msg: 124
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 12:26:48 PM


Misguided poster X's suggestion:
If you want be more successful in dating men, then you must better understand a man's true nature.

Tracyannk's reply:
Maybe that's the problem...most of us women are confused about what mans true nature is...

Tracy, I peeked at your profile and you appear to be a pleasant and straightforward woman, such that I actually hope you find what you're looking for.

In that vein, my advice to you is: stop trying to find a magic solution to the fabled Man Equation, because we're all different, just like each woman is different. Despite what a lot of forum posters and popular media claim about us males being the simpler sex, there is no sweeping answer to effectively woo the heart of the man of your dreams. All you can do is try to be yourself, be open to new people and possibilities, and hope to the Deity of your choice that one of the men you encounter will actually reciprocate.

In the future, please call the man back if he did the initiating/planning for the first one or two dates. A little reciprocity goes a long way with enlightened 21st century males, who appreciate a hint that the lady is truly interested in seeing them again.

Yes it puts the potential of rejection on your dainty and hitherto barely-used female shoulders, but nothing worth having in life came gift-wrapped to us on a silver platter, now did it?


Good luck, keep that lovely chin up, and don't be afraid to try again to more actively steer your romantic destiny rather than be a slothsome layabout like many "traditional" female daters out there.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 125
Dropping the Ball....
Posted: 1/5/2010 12:43:14 PM
I really apprecaite everyone's feedback...

Now I'm just trying to figure out what I can do to change the outcome next time I meet someone I like....


please call the man back if he did the initiating/planning for the first one or two dates.


But if he's interested shouldn't he call and ask? Or is that crazy talk?? Its been pounded into my head that if a man likes you he will call you and ask you out - even if he's bleeding from his head at the side of a road....

Like I mentioned earlier - I did give it a shot but my offer wasn't 'quite' accepted...
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Dropping the Ball....