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 ToughLuv1984
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 26
Woman-led relationships...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Scotty, I actually think that is most relationship... just some are more outright about it, lol.

Sounds like you would be into B/D.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 27
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/9/2010 2:08:51 PM
Scotty (OP),

I have a friend who's like that. A woman who's decisive and makes the majority of the decision and you follow her lead. Yeah. It's kind of like her being the mother-figure in a sense. Hey, a guy can be frustrated if he's in the dating scene for a while, and he has to play psychic to what a woman wants when she's an "I don't know" clone. Frustration builds if you pick a place to eat that she ends up not liking and gets upset -- that kinda stuff. I can see if ya go thru that, it'd be a breath of fresh air to have a woman not only not rely on you to decide on everything, but she does it for herself and you.

I think there's potential problems with it swayed that far, though. Many women like that can be bossy and difficult to deal with in times of disagreement. I would say go with laid back women who are not "traditional" and reliant on a guy, or have a silly requirement about a guy making decisions about everything in order for her to be attracted. Go for the middle!
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 28
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/9/2010 5:41:40 PM
I am sure there are people who would rather lead than follow. Personally I like a person who knows what they want, but is capable of sharing needs and wants.
 Somotivated
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 29
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/9/2010 9:17:29 PM
Hell yeah! I have a leash for just the occasion
 JesterMDC
Joined: 12/20/2009
Msg: 30
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/10/2010 6:31:34 PM
Most relationships I see, especially marriages, have the woman subtly leading and controlling the man. However, I have come to learn that most women are not happy making the decisions all the time and leading. They typically want the man to do these things. When a man just allows the woman to make all the decisions, it absolutely kills the sexual attraction she has for him. She doesn't want a guy to dominate her, she just wants a dominant man. Women want to enjoy being taken by a strong man who knows what's going on.
 Adamantine01
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 31
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Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/15/2010 4:36:10 PM
I'm not a psychiatrist, but maybe its something to do with "mummy". Or "mom".
They want "mother" to take charge, yet still be grown men having a relationship with a "mother-type" in their personal lives.
Deep unresolved issues...either way.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 32
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/15/2010 8:46:03 PM
Explain to me why a "man led" relationship is any better or more successful than one led by a woman.


I'm not a psychiatrist, but maybe its something to do with "mummy". Or "mom".
They want "mother" to take charge, yet still be grown men having a relationship with a "mother-type" in their personal lives.
Deep unresolved issues...either way.


So, a woman who allows a man to lead her has deep-seated unresolved issues with her father????
 WildKarrde
Joined: 6/12/2004
Msg: 33
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Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/20/2010 2:14:45 AM

Whenever I read these questions about who is the "leader" in the relationship, I really struggle to understand how often this is an issue. Outside of major purchases that would require some sort of legal responsibility, what else is there? Are these people that need "leading" struggling with what the hell you have for dinner, what color shoes you buy for the kids? Why is this an issue more than once or twice a year if that much? Seriously, what could the day to day issues possibly be that someone "needs" to be a leader in order to not have the realtionship implode?


When I think of the man (a real man) being the leader of the relationship... I basically think of somebody with a backbone... nothing more. The man should have strong convictions on what the right thing to do is... and lead by example. I also believe that he should value his wifes opinion above all else though. She is his other half, after all. A man who is domineering for the sake of being domineering is only fooling himself... he is no leader.

In short, I don't think being the leader is so much about making all the decisions, having the final say, or dictating what to do, and not to do. It's more about the spirit of the matter. I believe a real man can still be a leader, even if he lets his wife/girlfriend make most or all of her own decisions. True leaders aren't dictators... they are followed by choice.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 34
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Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/20/2010 6:56:18 AM

When I think of the man (a real man) being the leader of the relationship... I basically think of somebody with a backbone... nothing more. The man should have strong convictions on what the right thing to do is... and lead by example. I also believe that he should value his wifes opinion above all else though. She is his other half, after all. A man who is domineering for the sake of being domineering is only fooling himself... he is no leader.

In short, I don't think being the leader is so much about making all the decisions, having the final say, or dictating what to do, and not to do. It's more about the spirit of the matter. I believe a real man can still be a leader, even if he lets his wife/girlfriend make most or all of her own decisions. True leaders aren't dictators... they are followed by choice.


You know what I heard? Blah, Blah, Blah and not a real answer to my question. Exactly what is the "leader" doing in the relationship? Give me some clear examples of why the avergae, reasonably intelligent individual needs to be led by someone else. And why does someone feel the need to be the "leader" or decider which is really what this is about. Exactly what do these so called leaders do every day? decide on spaghetti vs. meatloaf? A 3" cut on the lawn or a 4"? I find this whole concept to be utterly bizzarre...
 Thesumofallparts
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 35
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/20/2010 7:34:42 AM
A 100% woman led relationship is a disaster. Who would want someone totally in charge who is:
- Indecisive
- Insecure
- "Emotionally spontaneous"

A 100% man led relationship is a disaster. Who would want someone totally in charge who is:
- Led by his "little brain" to make decisions
- Thinks he can control "everything" in life
- Believes the sun rises and sets over his head

You see, we all need a challenge in life. A person who sits back and lets their partner do everything without ever challenging is weak minded, and someone I won't want to be in a relationship with. I need a challenge, and I provide a challenge, as well.
 gm210sa
Joined: 12/14/2009
Msg: 36
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/20/2010 8:36:25 AM
I think it'll be hard for her to be a woman when she also has to take the traditional male role in the relationship and she'll end up resenting you on some level. Most definitely will end up cheating and/or leaving with someone more dominant. my friends and I were discussing how guys are forgetting how to be guys these days.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 37
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/20/2010 10:41:56 AM
I don't want to be the boss in the relationship and I don't want my future partner to be the boss either.I am an adult and don't need a daddy. Any man I would get involved with would also be an adult and not need a mommy to boss him about.
 WildKarrde
Joined: 6/12/2004
Msg: 38
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Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/20/2010 12:53:42 PM

You know what I heard? Blah, Blah, Blah and not a real answer to my question. Exactly what is the "leader" doing in the relationship? Give me some clear examples of why the avergae, reasonably intelligent individual needs to be led by someone else. And why does someone feel the need to be the "leader" or decider which is really what this is about. Exactly what do these so called leaders do every day? decide on spaghetti vs. meatloaf? A 3" cut on the lawn or a 4"? I find this whole concept to be utterly bizzarre...


You missed my point completely. The point is, leadership isn't about deciding on spaghetti vs. meatloaf, or the length of the lawn. It's about picking a path to follow in life. It's about being decisive and confident. It's about having compassion and empathy for other people. It's about serving others, and doing what's best for those you love. I generally think of this as primarily the mans responsibility, but both partners should feel this way towards the other in order for things to work.

It seems to me you're confusing management with leadership. Lots of men and women who think they are a leader are nothing more than managers... bossing the other person around. Nobody needs that in a relationship. I don't want to be like that, and I wouldn't stay in a relationship with a partner who insisted on being like that. I agree with you that this type of behavior is bizarre, and in the end damaging to the relationship, doesn't matter who's the one doing it.
 BLUEBOY1960
Joined: 4/2/2009
Msg: 39
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Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/21/2010 12:20:14 AM
Instead of trying to be a dominating leader try bring romanatic sexy and loviing instead, trsut me its a whole lot more fun.
 brown_eyed_woman
Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 40
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/21/2010 3:35:37 AM
People should lead in the areas they are stronger in. If the woman is better with budgetting and spending money, she should lead in the money matters, if the man is better at holding his temper while disciplining the children, he should lead in this area. A couple who just assigns one leader will likely fail, as you are not utilizing the strengths each brings to the table for the betterment of the relationship. Also if one person is elected to be leader, you can bet they will be held responsible when things go wrong. (in life, somethig will always go wrong) . Both should be involved in things, have input into choices....Id never be comfy being totally passive to another person, or being totally dominant over another. I prefer teamwork and clear delegation of responsibilites and accountabilities.
 ToughLuv1984
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 41
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/21/2010 6:36:11 AM
The leader:

-Makes sure everyone is fed
-Has the most influence on the kids
-Plans the outing
-Controls the finances
-Keeps the family together and reunites with extended kin
-Often the first up and last to bed
-Sometimes has to do what they don't want to do but always does what they must do....


WAIT.... women have ALWAYS been the leaders!

Like male lions, human males are mostly ceremonial in the capacity. Female lions are the ones who keep the pride from starving. Even in hunter gatherer societies.... a village with no men would still survive because hunting is a inconsistent food source, whereas one without gatherers immediately dies as that is their mainstay of diet.
 reboot1010
Joined: 3/9/2009
Msg: 42
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Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/21/2010 9:26:08 AM
I have a feeling this is more about scotty wearing the pantyhose than it is about the lady "wearing the pants".

Please note the placement of quotations as well as the non-placement therein.
 Thesumofallparts
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 43
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/21/2010 10:12:02 AM

WAIT.... women have ALWAYS been the leaders!


If that's the case, why do women:
- Expect the guy to plan and make all the decisions? Can't tell you how many women have told me "I don't care what we do." When in fact, they care very much, they just don't want to make a decision. Decision making is a HUGE part of leadership!
- Expect the guy to be the main breadwinner? Again, can't tell you how many have said they want to be a sexy housewife in the suburbs. Fine, she leads the troops at home, but the one bringing home the bacon will always have a say in things like "make sure everyone is fed" and "plan the outing."
- Doing what they don't want to do? Men do what they don't want to do all the time, mostly to keep you women quiet and not have you b!tching at us, often for pointless reasons.

Look, if we're only "ceremonial in capacity" for you, why don't you just go be a lesbian? If we have no use as leaders, and no use as hunters, lick some carpet and buy some sperm so you can raise more man haters.

Look, I was raised by a single mom, who loved us with all her heart, and she certainly made sacrifices. But, she needed a man (her bf of 20 years) to help her with money, and help her with parenting decisions. I can't tell you how many times she was crying in the kitchen, "overwhelmed with responsibility" and bashing the shiz out of my dad, to my face, almost daily, because she couldn't control the stress/anxiety/emotions of her being by "herself" (like I said, her bf supplied at least half the money for a good chunk of time).

Face it, tuffluv, most women, just like men, are co-dependent on the opposite sex for a multitude of reasons. Instead of sitting on a high horse coming off as a man-hating b!tch, just embrace the fact that you actually want a man in your life!
 ToughLuv1984
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 44
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/21/2010 11:01:12 AM
The only decision-making and planning the mans makes are in the courtship phase... and even *that* 9 out of 10 guys have no clue how to go about. Most modern women have to plan that too... and pay half... ugh. Lesbianism sounds pretty good about now...

If you know how to do it well... I applaud you, but I'm pretty convinced most guys these days aren't worth their weight.
 Thesumofallparts
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 45
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/21/2010 12:19:13 PM
Jeez, at our age, being jaded is not so good, maybe you should have stayed in Minny.

Honestly, it's our overbearing mothers and momma's boys that are the problem. Kids, beginning with our generation, were coddled in to being sissys, especially boys. Growing up, my mom wasn't my personal driver, I had to find my own way home, cook for myself, do my laundry, etc. So making decisions is not an issue for me, nor is planning... in fact, mousey women who won't speak up about that stuff just plain piss me off. Like, I pick the restaurant, say, Indian food. I get "what's okay with you is okay with me" in this soft little girly voice, then in her b!thcy voice later, tells me she hates Indian food! WTF?

And, paying half is fair at some point, but during courtship, not so much. Problem is, you all expect free this and free that, then ignore us or drop us when a better guy comes along. I'm financially in very good shape, but not all guys are, so I understand. Why buy all this stuff for an ungratefull b!tch who will drop you when she "changes her mind?"

Ok, that was a rant. Good luck with lesbianism, tuffluv (Ok, really, I understand where you're coming from, just had to counter your opinion).
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 46
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/21/2010 1:29:47 PM

Can't tell you how many women have told me "I don't care what we do."



but the one bringing home the bacon will always have a say in things like "make sure everyone is fed" and "plan the outing."



Doing what they don't want to do? Men do what they don't want to do all the time, mostly to keep you women quiet and not have you b!tching at us, often for pointless reasons.



Look, I was raised by a single mom, who loved us with all her heart, and she certainly made sacrifices. But, she needed a man (her bf of 20 years) to help her with money, and help her with parenting decisions. I can't tell you how many times she was crying in the kitchen, "overwhelmed with responsibility" and bashing the shiz out of my dad, to my face, almost daily, because she couldn't control the stress/anxiety/emotions of her being by "herself" (like I said, her bf supplied at least half the money for a good chunk of time).


The problem with giving personal anecdotes to support what you say is that for every person who gives his/her experience, someone else will give opposite anecdotal evidence!

The things that you cite here were the things that you have seen and experienced, but that is limited, no? To paint ALL, or even most, women AND men with such broad strokes is demeaning to both sexes.

Not ALL women do or expect the things of which you speak. You might label the other poster as a "man hater," but you come across as devaluing women and not recognizing that within our culture, there is a broad spectrum of individuals who don't fit your stereotypical aspects of women.
 Thesumofallparts
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 47
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/21/2010 1:53:17 PM

The problem with giving personal anecdotes to support what you say is that for every person who gives his/her experience, someone else will give opposite anecdotal evidence!

That's a great point, but maybe you're missing mine.

My point was, men and women depend on each other for survival, and always have. This goes beyond baby making, mind you. If we're looked at as "ceremonial" by some, what is this "ceremony?" If it involves impregnation followed by discarding, I'm in! Otherwise, if I'm nothing more than a person chosen to pro-create with and take out the trash, I'm not interested.
Granted, with the NASA-like technology in sex toys nowadays, coupled with easy to obtain sperm from tall/handsome/smart men in virtually every city, we don't really have a use in your lives, right?

Maybe I should devalue women a little. Do you really need your pedistals anymore?
- women outnumber men in college and have higher graduation rates and GPA's.
- suicides are more prevalent among males than females.
- more women than men, with a continually upticking trend over time, are entering professions such as law and medicine.

Granted, this is only in western societies, women are still devalued everywhere else but do you see where I'm going with this? As a society, our quest for equality has left men behind, and men are falling behind socially. We're still needed, and we're not going away, so be good to your sons/husbands/friends. You might find that they're good to you, even if you're a b!tch to them!
 Vagabond1975
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 48
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/21/2010 2:27:17 PM
lol.. well I know I have been manipulated lots into things when in a relationship.. that's more or less the same thing I guess...
but I want and believe I deserve to have an equal relationship.. except in bed, thats where I want to be the boss...
 TopChuck
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 49
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Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/22/2010 2:52:00 PM
thesumofallparts said:
My point was, men and women depend on each other for survival, and always have.


Right!!! It's an evolutionary matter that can't be undone by simply wishing it weren't so. It's ingrained in the genes that men are logical and women emotional, when operating at their central cores.

The problem with women-led relationships is that each gender is away from its optimum brain center.

I see the OP's situation as one of a few possibilities.

Some may be wired the other way, so that the male needs to be cherished, to feel loved. At the extreme, he wants to be nurtured - mothered, mainly.

There are some men who have been unknowingly emasculated into living away from their normal mind centers.

And, there are female counterparts. Those women need to be trusted and to lead.

However, the evolution that has ensconced men and women into gender roles can't be wished away by those who don't want to deal with reality, but insist on trying to live in roles that they consider "ideal".

When a man and a woman are at home in their mind comfort zones, unless they have become "cross wired", as described above, it makes little sense for the person who enjoys living emotionally to run the relationship.

With the man as leader, both live in their best mind centers and the relationship functions logically, based on the best chance for survival, prosperity and re-creation, into the next generations.

Maybe in today's culture we don't need the evolved structure as it is. But mutations take longer to become adaptations, than our idealistic wishes. Our gender natures are what they are, not what we have aspirations for them to be.

We're happiest when we abide by our natures.

.
 Cape Sunshine
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 50
Woman-led relationships...
Posted: 1/22/2010 3:18:29 PM
[I think it'll be hard for her to be a woman when she also has to take the traditional male role in the relationship and she'll end up resenting you on some level. Most definitely will end up cheating and/or leaving with someone more dominant. my friends and I were discussing how guys are forgetting how to be guys these days.]

Very true!!!!
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