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 NuDig
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 26
I burned my bridges with a narcissistPage 2 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Above all else stay the **** away from her.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 27
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/26/2010 1:40:22 PM
I think two things: one, you were probably right not to sleep with her, especially if she sleeps around that much. Two: you are making way too much out of the coincidence of the article, her drug use, narcissism, and all that.
Praising yourself occasionally is a fine and normal thing to do, and learning when and when not to respond to the urges of the fellow down below is a good thing too, but don't get too carried away. You can mess up a lesson learned by trying to go too far with it. She MAY be an "emotional vampire," but she may just be a relatively normal young woman who likes sex and doesn't want to settle down, and who happens to use cocaine occasionally. Not a great catch, perhaps, but no need to label her a narcissistic personality, especially before you get your PHD in psychoanalysis.
 Frybreadpower
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 28
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/26/2010 10:00:12 PM
Igor, I see what you mean, but there's no doubt in my mind that she is a narcissist. Oh, and I forgot to mention that she's bulimic, too. Also, she wasn't just a casual coke user - she got high every weekend and sometimes in between. (Often I could tell she got coked up the night before we hung out, because she acted weird and sniffed her nose constantly... once she even got a nose bleed). Her catch phrase was, " (insert name of business acquaintance) loves me! They all love me there." She had some good qualities, though. Like she was very intelligent, and a talented photographer.
 whenwillthiswork26
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 29
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/27/2010 6:45:05 AM
Sex with a drug addict is a horrible idea as you know--STD's and hepatitis C
could be caught from them.

Find a non drug user girlfriend. You didn't even find your time with C
satisfying so what are you missing? I think you are horny---find a
real girlfriend.
 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 30
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/27/2010 7:27:28 AM
I was off and on for the better part of 5 years with a narcissistic woman. I was warned by others who knew her better. I'm still paying for it.
Consider yourself lucky that you wised up so quickly. As my Dad used to say;"Know when to get your hat".
 mjr150
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 31
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/27/2010 4:15:13 PM
Sounds like you were a little surprised when she took your email so well.

My big sister's ex husband was Narcissistic. She is a shrink, her thoughts on the matter was probably accurate. And they had an empty miserable marriage.

Everything is relative, but deciding not to be with a coke addict, isn’t that an easy decision?
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 32
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 1:15:54 AM
Something like 6% of the population is narcissist. Yet we have threads daily accusing a person of being one. Shes a coke addict narcissist who sleeps around. HMMMM 7% of sharks attack humans. She has teeth does that mean she is a shark? Wikipedia tells you she is a narcissist. Wow cause some top notch professionals with multiple PhD can sit down with one and never know it. You can diagnose her with wikipedia just like that. That's amazing. I'm getting tired of these threads accusing others that simply aren't all tore up about you not wanting to be around or with them. Wow every time she sees you she isn't crying her eyes out. Shes got to be a narcissist I guess. Are you all just crazy or is it just me that's the crazy one. We throw these terms around like they don't mean a thing and expect everyone to just accept that its true. When really your more likely to get struck by a car or crash and burn in an airplane. I did however meet a real narcissist once. He was in prison for armed robbery. He had been married 3 times. I met him through a program in our church where we reach out to prisoners. I will never forget it. If you knew one or were involved with one outside of prison trust me you wouldn't know it till it was to late. He told me a story of when he was a child. He over heard some adults talking. His mother and grandmother about his grandfather whom he never met leaving his grandmother for a younger woman. He was 8 at the time and never ever till this very day forgotten it. When he turned 21 he had already been stalking the woman for a year. His grandfather was well dead by this time. She had 3 children by him. The man had passed himself as a little older than he was. Approached her in a bar she frequented. Bought her drinks gotten her real drunk. Had sex with her at her apartment where her and her kids were. Her son was his age almost. Her son objected to the relationship of course. At their most desperate hour when they depended on this guy most he left them cold just for the fun of it. On his way out he informed them of his true identity to add salt to the wombs he created. These people don't let you go. They don't forget and they don't forgive. This mans first wife disappeared. The second fell down some stairs in front of many witnesses and was reported to have told someone he did it and before he pushed her he smiled right in her face. She was paralysed for life. She didn't remember how she fell. No witnesses even reported seeing anything.That's someone who survived a narcissist. The third wife caught a .22 bullet between the eyes. Like from a professional sniper. Right in front of her family. This guy was never even reported as owning a gun. From what I heard the found a receipt to a be-be gun though. It had a scope. He had it for 3 years before his third wife was killed. No doubt he practiced with it before using the real thing. None of his wrong doing was ever proven. Just suspected. He gets out soon. This is the real deal not some abusive or weird behaving or whatever I've seen allot of on here. So cut the crap and stop these silly threads about narcissist or socio or phycos. Its just uneducated crap.
 Frybreadpower
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 33
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 6:28:26 PM
Some narcissists are criminals, some aren't. I know more about C than you do, so I think I'm more qualified to say whether she has narcissistic characteristics, than you. Thanks for the feedback, though :)
 Deerclan
Joined: 8/5/2009
Msg: 34
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 6:43:05 PM
Bulimia & cocaine binges point towards the possibility of borderline personality disorder. Narcissism is a key trait of BPD too. You come across as very reasonable, very understanding, very rational, and very adult -- all of those qualities are bait for borderlines. They're looking for a parent, and you seem to exhibit those qualities. Regardless of whatever label anyone pastes on her problems, I agree with the folks who say you did the right thing.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 35
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 7:20:31 PM
the vast majority of people who would clinically qualify as narcissists or sociopaths never get diagnosed, because the very nature of these disorders dictates that the person either doesn't realize or doesn't care that they have a problem. The few who do get dragged into counselling (by the people being hurt by their behavior) spend the majority of that time playing head games with the therapist, as opposed to being honest so the issue can be addressed. The bottom line is that someone exhibiting the signs of these conditions doesn't need to be clinically diagnosed in order for their behavior to be damaging to others. The diagnosis, armchair or not, is more for the benefit of the people who are suffering because of another's callous behavior. It helps greatly to understand why things are happening the way they are, and how to protect yourself from the fallout.

We are each the experts on our own lives, and being able to understand and discuss these disorders with others has saved the sanity and self esteem of countless victims, and saved many people from wasting their lives trying to relate normally to abnormal people. In many ways, emotional abuse is much harder to cope with than physical abuse, because the scars it leaves are invisible, and it's extremely hard to garner support in such a situation.

I'm getting tired of these threads accusing others that simply aren't all tore up about you not wanting to be around or with them. So cut the crap and stop these silly threads about narcissist or socio or phycos.

I'm getting tired of these posts showing such blatant disregard to warm loving people who aren't too egotistical to acknowledge that they are actually hurt when they are treated like disposable garbage by people they've opened their hearts too. These forums are here for people to talk to other people about whatever's on their minds, so if you're sick of reading them, just stop doing it. Doesn't your 6% have anything better to do?
 NuDig
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 36
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 7:21:04 PM

Bulimia & cocaine binges point towards the possibility of borderline personality disorder. Narcissism is a key trait of BPD too. You come across as very reasonable, very understanding, very rational, and very adult -- all of those qualities are bait for borderlines. They're looking for a parent, and you seem to exhibit those qualities. Regardless of whatever label anyone pastes on her problems, I agree with the folks who say you did the right thing.


I went out with a BDP, narcissism is most definitely one of many ugly traits in their armoury. Friends often ask me "Do you hate your ex?", the answer to that is, no I don't hate her for what she is, I dislike her for the fact she won't seek help and address her problems. You can't save anyone but yourself, run like the fcking wind fella!!
 SunnyTexas
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 37
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 7:28:08 PM
I think there's something inside you that is really into this woman. It's the bad girl you can't get out of your head. Happens all the time.
 Frybreadpower
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 38
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 7:39:19 PM
haha. No, I never had romantic feelings for her. I had friendship feelings, but that's it. In general, I have trouble letting go of people, though. It's easier to let her go now that I've heard everyone's feedback. I was out on Tuesday night at a bar (where we used to get tacos on Tuesdays), and I ran into one of her guy friends outside of the bar. He said that he had just left the bar and he said C had just left too. He pointed up the street, and sure enough, there she was walking away. She knows I work until around 9pm, and now that we aren't friends anymore, she's been leaving the bar before I get off of work. When I saw her walking up the street, I thought about this thread, and I just walked into the bar and thanked goodness that she had already left :)
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 39
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 8:34:46 PM
Language: English (change)

Actually the very thing you think qualifies you is exactly what disqualifies you. The fact that you know the person is a big no no when gradeing someone on the hare scale. It reads that way time and time again. I am not against people talking about whatever. When its BS I call it for what it is. If everyone on here was accurate in their diagnosis of their ex then 90% of the POF population dated a narcissists. http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Hare-Psychopathy-Checklist.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hare_Psychopathy_Checklist

States things like-"Obviously, diagnosing someone as a psychopath is a very serious step."

And stuff like "Professionals who administer the diagnostic examination should have advanced degrees (M.D., Ph.D., or D.Ed.) in a medical, behavioral or social science field; and registered with a reputable organization that oversees psychiatric or psychological testing and diagnostic procedures. Other recommendations include experience working with convicted or accused criminals or several years of some other related on-the-job training. Because the results are used so often in legal cases, those who administer it should be qualified to serve as expert witnesses in the courtroom. It is also a good idea, if possible, for two experts to test a subject independently with the PCL-R. The final rating would then be determined by averaging their scores."



Not if you know a person and they don't just love you like you think they should then they are narcissist. Not if you don't have a (M.D., Ph.D., or D.Ed.) Or they don't reciprocate your feelings you have for them. Have you ever had an experience where someone loved you like none other and you didn't have the same feelings for them? Would they not slap the very same label your slapping on this woman and other people on here are slapping others with? You people are not trained professionals and are not qualified to have such a harsh judgement on an individual with a obvious drug problem. Or someone who just didn't have the same feelings for you that you had for them. I'm not saying getting the heck away from her is a bad move by any means. I'm not saying that getting away from anyone who doesn't have your best interests at heart is not for your best interests. Why cant this woman just be a normal average coke head like she sounds like she is. The reason it upsets me to see these terms thrown around so lightly is because I have seen real families of real victims of NPD and I think it diminishes their real hurt and pain from it for some joe smoe know nothing to slap a label on everyone who he or she thinks should have it. It's just ignorant and silly.
 CodeNameKitty
Joined: 1/9/2010
Msg: 40
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 9:05:07 PM
Alright.
Well, it seems as if drama is alive and well.
Frankly, # 1 : drug usage? Done.
And thank your lucky stars the narcie has moved on.
Every so often we run into situations that are unfamiliar to us and sometimes it takes a bit before we can put our finger on what's happening in order to make a decision about it. It sounds like you knew there were several red flags and you just needed to figure it out.
 siobhan6133
Joined: 7/20/2009
Msg: 41
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 9:06:53 PM
I the era of the internet where every one can self diagnose, OP has done this for "C" deemed her a narcissist when all I really see here is a true ADDICT.
OP did you bother to look up the behavioral patterns of addicts, Coke addiction and eating disorders are included.
I would say "C" was in the throws of multiple addictions and instead of recognizing this or even helping her you hop on the internet with a poor me attitude and come up with "Psychic Vampire.. or Narcissist". She is solely responsible for not paying attention to me it couldn't be that her personality is altered by DRUGS...and she needs HELP.

granted you are not qualified to give it to her but a friend would point this out (i.e. try to convince her to go to rehab) instead of blaming her for the failure in the friendship.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 42
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 9:45:35 PM
Thank you sioban finally a reasonable level headed person with a real opinion. Wow just wow. Ever crack house accross america has people in it exibiting these same traits described above. You are aware of her drug use yet it cant possible be the problem. Drug use is a problem I dont care if its not all day everyday its a major issue. That dont make you a nars or a p or a socio. It just makes you an addict.
 quest4truth
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 43
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 10:17:49 PM
nicecowboy many of use have had relationships with NPD folks with a professional DX. There are more than you think out there in this world and most of them being the non-violent type. It is always a traumatic experience being under the spell of a narcissist or psychopath which is why you see so much written about it here and on the net. Yes it is true they fool the best of us as and the professionals as well as they have had yrs of practice in the art of manipulation.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 44
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 10:42:25 PM

Why cant this woman just be a normal average coke head like she sounds like she is.
LOL, I don't know why but that really cracked me up. I will agree that not everyone that does drugs or doesn't love you back the way you want to be loved is a narcissist or a sociopath.... Knowing families of narcissists, you must be aware how subtle many of the signs can be... knowing something isn't quite right, just feeling uneasy in that person's presence, feeling disconcerted without a clear sense of why... All the crazy making power plays that differentiate between normal, symbiotic interaction, and and the illusion of a normal symbiotic relationship.... I'm only asking because the OP did note some other observations (always talking about how much business associates lover her, etc) that would suggest a hint of self aggrandization, another criteria listed on the DSM....I'm not saying the girl was a full fledged narcissist.... I'm just saying that the OP would be in a much better place to recognize patterns, assess her behavior, as it relates to him, and that if that's how he was feeling, he should trust his instincts. At the end of the day, no one on this forum knows who this girl is, so no potential narcissists or mere drug addicts are being harmed... we're simply sharing our imput with the OP as to his particular situation. I would never dimish or minimize the real damage caused by the personality disordered. In fact, I would go as far as to suggest that personality disorders, etc, at least in some form, are actually more prevalent than the current statistics suggest, and are at the very root of many of the other problems we're facing today not only in our personal relationships, but indeed, as a nation.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 45
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 11:17:09 PM

nicecowboy many of use have had relationships with NPD folks with a professional DX


Really? Prove it. I haven't heard a single person on here say that the person they were dealing with was actually diagnosed as anything. So how would you know? I think its unscientific and irresponsible to throw such a label around so easily to say the least.



It is always a traumatic experience being under the spell of a narcissist or psychopath which is why you see so much written about it here and on the net.



I garentee its traumatic and majority of the time when as deep as these people claim to have been its fatal.


Yes it is true they fool the best of us as and the professionals as well as they have had yrs of practice in the art of manipulation.




Fool the best of us. Um yeah. Like I said I met a diagnosed one and if I had known and lived with him all my life Id never of known what he was until it was way to late. To pretend that you would is a joke.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 46
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/28/2010 11:45:30 PM
Spell Check Your Text
Language: English (change)


LOL, I don't know why but that really cracked me up.


I would think almost everyone has met a person on coke before and are somewhat familiar with the way they act. So I would say a coke head is just that a coke head. I know exactly how subtle they can be and its undetectable.



knowing something isn't quite right, just feeling uneasy in that person's presence, feeling disconcerted without a clear sense of why... All the crazy making power plays that differentiate between normal, symbiotic interaction, and and the illusion of a normal symbiotic relationship.


Allot of people give me a feeling of unease that don't mean that they are a narcissist. I got an ex gf I'm so very tempted to say was one. That's not the truth though. She simply didn't love me as much as I loved her. She didn't value the relationship as much as I did. She exhibited all these attributes or appeared to. Some people care about you as much as you care about them and some just don't. I've had a woman that loved me more than I loved her before to. To her I had all the attributes that a narcissist has. I truly doubt that all these people where with a narcissist. Like I said they are a really low percentage of the population. 6% is generous really it's a guesstimation of maybe 2%. That is a rarity. Probably a better chance of getting struck by lightning. Guesses aren't proof though. Should he trust the instincts and should everyone trust their instincts. hell yes. To assume that the have a disorder based on nothing though instead of just thinking and saying that they are plain and simply bad news is irresponsible. To self or unprofessionally diagnose someone is also irresponsible.
 quest4truth
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 47
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 1:25:54 AM
nicecowboy what more proof can one have than a DX by a psychiatrist than that? I am curious? DX mean diagnosis if you are confused.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 48
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 2:22:06 AM
Quest to be honest yes I was confused. I had no idea what a DX was to tell you the truth. guess he was then. Are you in hiding? If he still knows or ever knows your location I'd be concerned. To also be honest the guy I met behind a glass wall still managed to give me the impression that not only was nothing wrong with him and he didn't give me the hibigeebies or any negative vibes what so ever and seemed like a complete human being. Of course he wasn't anywhere close to that but none the less I can't say any gut feeling or anything what so ever I could say that would give anyone a "what to look for". If the guy was diagnosed and you had an ordeal that's fine. Seems like everyone just throws this stuff around like its nothing. It is in fact a big deal. I'm sure it's a big deal to quest.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 49
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 2:24:53 AM

A narcissist usually denies their drug use is addictive (even if it clearly looks like it). They describe their use as enhancing their energy and their life.


I'm not trying to be disagreeable here but just putting my opinion in here. You know who else does that very same thing? A drug addict. lol
 Frybreadpower
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 50
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 1/29/2010 2:48:36 AM
I can see why you might be upset by the info in this thread, since it sounds like you had a traumatic experience with your narcissist. FYI - here are some criteria for NPD that I got from Wikipedia...

Hotchkiss[11] identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:

1. Shamelessness - Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.

Hmm... that would explain her bulimia, and drug/alcohol use, and OCD methinks.

2. Magical thinking - Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.

If I heard it once I heard it a hundred times... C always told me how much people she knew loved her. Everyone from ex-teachers, to clients of the lawyer she works for, to ex-customers from a camera store she worked at. Sounds a bit magical to me. Also, I never in a million years thought about puking after I ate, until after I started hanging out with her and hearing her talk about puking all the time. Pathetic.

3. Arrogance - If a narcissist is feeling deflated, s/he can reinflate him/herself by diminishing, debasing or degrading somebody else.

Hmm... I don't think I noticed her acting arrogantly before. At least not to me.

4. Envy - If the narcissist's need to secure a sense of superiority meets an obstacle because of somebody else, s/he neutralises it using contempt to minimise the other person's ability

She was openly envious about her sister, because her parents loved her more than C. This is one of the key reasons I think she's a narcissist... I read on the wiki page that people who suffer emotional abuse as children may develop into narcissists. C's parents withheld their love for her, and gave it all to her sister. Her dad is OCD, and she told me crazy stories of how authoritarian he was about keeping their house clean. She started going to bars and being served when she was 15. And, she's been a wedding photographer since high school. These kind of marked achievements are often signs of narcissism.

5. Entitlement - Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves uniquely special. Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority and the perpetrator is considered to be an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.

Never saw her have a narcissistic rage. When she got angry with people in her life, she just stopped talking to them or returning their calls, and when she did that she had an attitude of, "why doesn't he stop calling me? What the hell?".

6. Exploitation - can take many forms but always involves the using of others without regards for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.

The last time we hung out before I sent C that e-mail, we drove to her favorite computer store. I had worked the overnight shift the night before that, and she promised to be ready to go at 8am since I told her I couldn't be up for long. She wasn't ready to go until about 9:45am... LOL. After we got to the store, I bought what I needed, and then she proceeded to "shop" (which was her OCD way of walking down certain isles that she liked and looking at everything on the shelves), and we didn't leave the store until about 12:00pm. I told her how tired I was and yet, she manipulated me into stopping at Taco Bell where she proceeded to eat 2 tacos that she said she wasn't even hungry for. WTF? She showed zero empathy to me that day, or any day. That's just one example...

7. Bad Boundaries - narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.

She was a constant texter, and usually was having text conversations with other people while we were hanging out. She once said, "I have to keep my guys on short leashes...". IMO, that's a sign of having boundary issues.

Anyway, if you still don't want to take my word for it that she's a narcissist, then that's your perogative, but I don't get why you would read a thread like this that is obviously opening up a can of worms for you. It's not that I mind your comments, it's just that I don't get it. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.
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