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 Frybreadpower
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 76
I burned my bridges with a narcissistPage 4 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Cowboy, having been a barfly with a lot of musician friends since my early 20's, I've seen what you are talking about. She isn't one of those Doctor Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde alcoholics, though. She acts the same when she's sober as when she's drunk.

Some people (like you) don't like labeling people out of principle, but I see nothing wrong with it if the labels are accurate. I've already described her behavior and why I think she's a narcissist. To me, all that matters is that I learned some important life lessons from my experiences with her, and I can mentally pat myself on the back for having ended a bad relationship. I've read a lot of things on these forums about people who were married and in bad relationships for 10 years, which just makes me think, "but for the grace of god go I...".

One of my biggest values is peace of mind. As a bipolar artist, I have more than enough general anxiety of my own without having other peoples shit to deal with. But, at the same time, I'm an INTJ (Myers Briggs type), and I really do enjoy trying to figure people out. There was no real harm done in my relationship with her - I never tried to change her and I didn't pick up any bad habits from her. All in all, it was a good experience.

Here's a question for those of you who have had a narcissist in your life:

Did you ever win an argument with your narcissist? I'm just curious. I had a few arguments with C, and I never got her to admit that she was wrong. She never apologized for anything either, and I mean anything. I expect that most narcissists are like that.
Any of your thoughts on this would be helpful :)

-Daniel
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 77
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/1/2010 4:06:02 AM
Daniel, I was married to one for nearly twenty years, I could write you a book, but it would mangle your mind trying to read and understand it. (and before the label haters jump in, the fact that he was indeed a narcissist was brought to my attention by our marriage counselor... I just thought he was an azzhole)
The closest thing to apology I ever got was "I'm sorry you see things that way"... Not only was it not a genuine apology, it also implied that my perspective was somehow flawed. They never admit when they're wrong... They rewrite history in their own minds, to support whatever point they're trying to make. For example, my son was on his way out with some friends one day, and the ex snapped out and told him he couldn't go... My son was angry, but compliant. He started walking to the car to get his jacket and tell his freinds he wasn't going, but the ex felt he was being disrespected so he grabbed my son, and ripped his shirt off in the scuffle. My son defended himself, and in the end, the ex was knocked out cold in the front yard. (It was the first time the abuse ever became physical, and I knew I was done in that moment) A couple of months later, the ex brought that incident up, calling it the day our son attacked him in the front yard. My jaw dropped to the floor, and I said, you mean the day he defended himself from YOUR attack? He stumbled and fumbled for words, and then got mad and told me that he has every right to his own reality, however different it was from mine. What really happened was that he had told the story so many times (spun and twisted until he became the victim) that he forgot for a moment what the actual truth was. When I refused to play along with his version, that narcissistic rage kicked in, because they don't want a REAL reflection of themsleves... they want to see an image of flawless perfection, and they want you to play along. They don't even care if you honestly believe what you're 'reflecting' back or not... they just expect you to ACT as if you do. The only way you ever "win" an argument with a narcissist is to be secure enough in your own truth that you don't need them to validate it. Let them see things however they like. You WIN the argument by refusing to argue.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 78
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:22:21 AM
I don't think you understand the disease of alcoholism or drug addiction. Its not a Dr jekel mr hyde scenario. They think about it nonstop. They think of ways to get their next bumb, hit, or beer next. How many people in this position will have sex for drugs or have had sex for drugs? They will do anything to get it. Do what you please I agree with the lady above refusing to argue is the best way to win an arguement and I plan on excercising it after this with you. I'm gonna just lay out my personal opinion and let it go. Do whatever you please with it. If you disagree then we simply agree to disagree.


1.extreme fatigue

2.rapid weight loss from an unknown cause (more than 10 lbs. in two months for no reason)

3.appearance of swollen or tender glands in the neck, armpits or groin, for no apparent reason, lasting for more than four weeks

4.unexplained shortness of breath, frequently accompanied by a dry cough, not due to allergies or smoking

5.persistent diarrhea

6.intermittent high fever or soaking night sweats of unknown origin

7.a marked change in an illness pattern, either in frequency, severity, or length of sickness

8.appearance of one or more purple spots on the surface of the skin, inside the mouth, anus or nasal passages

9.whitish coating on the tongue, throat or vagina

10.forgetfulness, confusion and other signs of mental deterioration



Above is a list of symptoms of a very serious disease. Not a mental one but a viral one. Number one extreme fatigue.
1. Someone can have this for any number of reasons. Who hasn't been fatigued before. It's also a symptom of pregnancy and alot of other things. Just plain hard work may fatigue you.

2. Rapid weight loss. A number of reasons someone would lose weight really quickly. Stress or any other varies reasons.

3. Swollen glands. Once again the human body does this for varies reasons.

4. Shortness of breath. Mentions allergies and smokeing in it. 2 of a million reasons right there.

5. diarrhea. Well spicy food or anything at all usually something you ate.

6. fever. How many of us have had fevers? Just general ickiness. Ya know? Swollen glands like a sore throat or what have you.

7. Who hasn't been sick one year more than the next before.

8. Purple spots. Who knows you could have purple spots.

9. Weird but none the less I'm sure some people have had this I guess. Can you say vagicil?

10. Who hasn't felt forgetful from time to time? Everyone.

So does this mean everyone has this listed disease? No and to assume someone has it based on an unprofessional opinion would be irresposible. How about old age? Does this mean everyones grand parents or even parents depending on your age have this disease? You can't assume anything and it would really be wrong to say all old people or people who have these symptoms have this disease. Its the symptoms for AIDS. So trying to diagnose someone else based on no professional testing is just uneducated BS. Fact of the matter is everyone of the points you listed to believe this woman is a narcissist can be explained away to anything including your own perspective. I'm not here to argue I just don't think its right to diagnose someone or make them out to be hopeless when they may simply have a drug problem or maybe have any number of mental illnesses. I agree that some people are not good people to be friends with or hang around. To put such a terrible label on anyone without them being diagnosed at least I think is just morally wrong. It's like me saying you look skiny so I would imagine you have alot of weight loss. So you have AIDS.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 79
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/1/2010 12:42:16 PM
^^ Good point cowboy. But there's a huge difference between a physical illness, that can be tested for, and mental defect, which only makes itself apparent through patterns of behavior. Also, I'm very curious why the level of sensativity to the word narcissist? I agree that it's overused, and that not everyone who exhibits a few signs would clinically qualify for a formal diagnosis, but I also don't think it helps to undermine someone trying to makes sense of their senseless behavior. Narcissist is just a word... is it really more offensive than drug addict, coke whore, alcoholic, scitzophrenic, or even just azzhole? Narcissism especially is something that can manifest in so so many different ways... there's really no such thing as "text book narcissist". Even the sources of 'narcissistic supply' vary greatly. Hystrionic narcissists aggrandize themselves through beauty, and sexual conquests, while somatic narcissists have very little interest in sex period, and prefer to get their adulation by displaying their 'superior intellect'.... These patterns of behavior can be so subtle, and every one is different. Narcissists are some of the most versatile, adaptive creatures on the planet. Many times, even professionals have trouble making an accurate diagnosis , because of the limited time they get to spend observing them, and the fact that it's very easy to twist and manipulate facts to someone who hasn't witnessed an event first hand. Factor in the plausible deniability factor, and it's practically the perfect stealth weapon. If you really want to understand it, look up "Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life" by Linda Martinez-Lewi , or "Malignant Self-Love" by Sam Vaknin. Even more than a mental defect, Narcissism is very much a spiritual disease, and is outlined extremely well by M. Scott Peck in "People of the Lie" This condition is very real, and causes untold damage, but never to the person who's afflicted.... no, that treat is saved for people unaware enough to allow these people close to them. The term psychic vampire is actually astoundingly accurate, in relation to the crushing of one's spirit that occurs, and the drain of their precious prana. The late Kathy Krajko was a person who demonstrated an innate understanding of the condition, and had a remarkable ability to put words to experiences that are almost impossible to describe. Her website has been dismantled since her passing, but her book can still be accessed via this site. http://www.escapeabuse.com/npd.pdf and a writer under the pseudonym Anna Valerious breaks it down extremely well on her site http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/ as well.

So while I agree, that people should be very careful in making armchair diagnosis, I also think it would be a grave mistake to undermine someone trying to gain an understanding of patterns of behavior that they have personally observed. I said before, there's not really any need for a formal diagnosos to know the danger these people can cause. Additionally, very few true narcissists ever cross that line into the physical aspects of abuse, unless there is comorbidity with something like sociopathy. They're far too intelligent and cunning to make things that obvious. Narcissism is something that can only thrive in the 'dark' or in an ambiguous setting. Is it a terrible label to place on someone? I don't see why.... it simply is what it is.... Is it mean or unfair to call a rattlesnake a rattlesnake? What's terrible is the abuse these people deal out and the profound damage they do to decent loving people who were loathe to call a spade a spade.
 ceecee1000
Joined: 1/23/2010
Msg: 80
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/1/2010 12:52:07 PM
I empathise with the posters wanting to put a label on these types of people.
Using the term 'narcissist' is ok to use loosely but can only be diagnosed by a medical professional in the real sense.
Why not just call them 'Arsicissists'?:-)
I'm from the UK so it has a better ring to it(pardon the pun)
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 81
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/1/2010 3:03:18 PM
I understand alot of sites have good info. Some of the info tells you straight up that A. Only trained professionals can diagnose and B. These people are unhelpable therefore hopeless. So my sensativity spans from two things. A. calling someone something that is unhelpable and hopeless B. I've seen and visited real victims of real narcissist and I feel it belittles their experience when someone just throws the term on anyone they think is or does act like a general a-hole. Back in the day we just said hey this guys a real jerk I probably should get away from him and move on with my business. I'm all for calling anything whatever it is if thats what you please. I feel if I was exibiting uncontrolable bad behavior for what ever reason then someone put the label narcissist on me and convinced me I was one. Then I went to look it up and read how hopeless I must be or if I already knew what one was. But maybe all I had was a basic chemical imbalence or something simple. All I had to do was go see and find out but yet I didn't cause I thought I was a narcissist. I don't know maybe it is just a word. Just seems a bit harsh. Could you imagine though hearing this from someone whos opinion mattered or through the grapevine that someone whos opinion mattered thought this about you and maybe you knew you had some sort of problem but now you felt whats the point in faceing it I'm hopeless. I personally believe very few people are hopeless. That dont mean that I can fix them. It dont mean that they can never fix themselves.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 82
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/1/2010 4:18:44 PM
^^ I do see your point, and I really do admire with the amount of caring and compassion you show. I'm not going to disagree with what you're saying. It's so funny, the one thing the my ex said to me regularly was that I was too altruistic, too compassionate, and just downright unrealistic about the way the world really works. In a way, he was absolutely right, but it wasn't until it all unraveled that I began to understand how much he worked that to his advantage.... Can you imagine taking something so pure and good as compassion, wanting to see the best in others, and turning it into a weapon against your "loved ones"? I bet you can't. It's human nature, really. We just assume that other people think the way we do. We expect things like kindness and compassion to be appreciated, reciprocated, and that's how it typically is, in normal healthy relationships. If nothing else, he opened my eyes to a lot of things, many of which I wish I didn't know. I don't know, maybe I'm getting too cynical in my old age, but once you get a peek into that abyss, when you realize it's not made up, that the soulless who are completely unconcerned with anything other than their own agenda, and absolutely don't care who suffers because of it, are right here, walking around among the rest of us, you just can't un-know it.... Again, I agree that not everyone who exhibits self centered behavior is a narcissist, and we do need to be careful throwing terms like that around. Yet at the same time, I just think it's important not to downplay it's existance and seriousness. And I wouldn't worry about hurting the feelings of a true narcissist if they heard through the grapevine that you thought they had a problem or that they were hopeless... it would never occur to them to think it may be true, and even if by some miracle they did, they simply wouldn't care... I don't hate narcissists... I have often thought what a cold empty existance it must be to be so dead inside. However, no amount of caring or sacrifice on anyone's part will ever make a difference in that. I'm not saying they don't deserve compassion... I just think the only safe way to offer it to them is from a distance.

There is an old Aesop's fable that explains it better than I can. "ONE WINTER a Farmer found a Snake stiff and frozen with cold. He had compassion on it, and taking it up, placed it in his bosom. The Snake was quickly revived by the warmth, and resuming its natural instincts, bit its benefactor, inflicting on him a mortal wound. "Oh," cried the Farmer with his last breath, "I am rightly served for pitying a scoundrel."

And the farmer is correct. The snake is following it's instincts, it's internal program that governs it's behavior. I don't think we can be mad or hateful towards narcissists for being what they are... I honestly don't think they have a choice. But I DO think we need to gather awareness and effective tools to keep ourselves safe. Predators don't announce their arrival, and warn us of the damaging impact being close to them will have on our lives. Even if they ARE diagnosed, they're not likely to be forthcoming with that information, wouldn't you agree? That's why I advocate educating ourselves, and relying on our own instincts to know who's safe or not. That label is more for our own information, so we can understand the patterns to look for, and what they mean. As Henry Fielding once said "It's much easier to make good men wise, than to make bad men good". Once again, I do respect and admire your compassionate nature and generous spirit.
 Frybreadpower
Joined: 10/10/2008
Msg: 83
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/2/2010 6:54:45 AM
The difference between physical illnesses and mental illnesses is that there is no way to prove ANY kind of mental illness 100% accurately. Misdiagnoses are the norm in the mental health industry. A lot of you are offended that I used the word "narcissist", but (IMO) you are nit-picking. If you really don't want me to use the word "narcissist", then that's fine by me. I could use the word "jerk", but it's a lot more vague than narcissist, and she's not a jerk to everbody all the time, so I wouldn't want to call her a jerk. But, the fact that she has no empathy for anybody and lies constantly and thinks she's the Queen of Shiba, makes it a no-brainer to me that she's a narcissist. You may not feel comfortable with me giving her that label, but I'm going to stick by my guns until someone gives me a reason to think otherwise. Right now nobody has given me that reason. All I'm hearing right now, is that I am wrong to label her a narcissist, and that she's probably just a drug user. You guys are missing the point. If someone punches you in the face, do you have to go to a doctor before you can be sure that your attacker was violent? This is the same thing. If she acts like a narcissist, then she's a narcissist. If you read this entire thread, then all the facts are here. I already described her narcissistic behavior, and explained myself as clearly as I could. There's no need to nit-pick about labels.

-Daniel
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 84
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/2/2010 7:48:26 AM
I see your point as well. Like you said though a narcissist would see the label and wouldn't care. However a regular person would see the label and it may hinder them somehow. I must admit I do kinda hate narcissists. At the very least I hate what they do. I don't think they deserve compassion. However I do know alot of former alcoholics and addicts. They exibited the same behaviors. They have AA and NA meetings at my church and usually they will become members not all do but some. I have read what they call the big book and it does state alot in the intro pages on their behavior. You can look it up and see for yourself. They were some really bad men and women. It actually uses the words socio and physcopath in the intro. Its like an introductory chapter. Sometimes their spouses were either uneducated on what was going on or left completely in the dark to the point that their spouse didn't even know what they were doing. Sometimes their spouses thought hey its a couple of beers no big deal. Then they were getting the crap kicked outta them and it became a big deal. I am sorry for your pain that yes I have never experienced but none the less were more painful for you than I could ever imagine. I understand the apearance for a need of a label. I just see no problem with the labels in place. Such as he is a real A-hole she is a real b***h or just a bad person in general. Everyone knows what your talking about. I mean anyone looks selfish next to Jesus or a saint. neither he or the saints were running around calling us all narcissists. It is easier to make a good man wise but only because bad man can only decide to help himself to become good. Noone can ever make a bad man good. I think thats a bit more accurate. A snake has his nature. Just because you hear a hiss don't mean it's a snake though. I'm not saying stick around to find out or play with it. Or hop in the bush you heard it in. Of course you need to protect yourself and of course the boogyman is real. There has got to be a way to avoid the boogyman without labeling him a narcissist especially if you don't even know if thats what he is. What if he is just Bipolar? Does that mean you are accedently going to run into a I see your point as well. Like you said though a narcissist would see the label and wouldn't care. However a regular person would see the label and it may hinder them somehow. I must admit I do kinda hate narcissists. At the very least I hate what they do. I don't think they deserve compassion. However I do know alot of former alcoholics and addicts. They exibited the same behaviors. They have AA and NA meetings at my church and usually they will become members not all do but some. I have read what they call the big book and it does state alot in the intro pages on their behavior. You can look it up and see for yourself. They were some really bad men and women. It actually uses the words socio and physcopath in the intro. Its like an introductory chapter. Sometimes their spouses were either uneducated on what was going on or left completely in the dark to the point that their spouse didn't even know what they were doing. Sometimes their spouses thought hey its a couple of beers no big deal. Then they were getting the crap kicked outta them and it became a big deal. I am sorry for your pain that yes I have never experienced but none the less were more painful for you than I could ever imagine. I understand the apearance for a need of a label. I just see no problem with the labels in place. Such as he is a real A-hole she is a real b***h or just a bad person in general. Everyone knows what your talking about. I mean anyone looks selfish next to Jesus or a saint. neither he or the saints were running around calling us all narcissists. It is easier to make a good man wise but only because bad man can only decide to help himself to become good. Noone can ever make a bad man good. I think thats a bit more accurate. A snake has his nature. Just because you hear a hiss don't mean it's a snake though. I'm not saying stick around to find out or play with it. Or hop in the bush you heard it in. Of course you need to protect yourself and of course the boogyman is real. There has got to be a way to avoid the boogyman without labeling him a narcissist. What if the people you are labeling are really just bipolar? Does that mean you will run into a I see your point as well. Like you said though a narcissist would see the label and wouldn't care. However a regular person would see the label and it may hinder them somehow. I must admit I do kinda hate narcissists. At the very least I hate what they do. I don't think they deserve compassion. However I do know alot of former alcoholics and addicts. They exibited the same behaviors. They have AA and NA meetings at my church and usually they will become members not all do but some. I have read what they call the big book and it does state alot in the intro pages on their behavior. You can look it up and see for yourself. They were some really bad men and women. It actually uses the words socio and physcopath in the intro. Its like an introductory chapter. Sometimes their spouses were either uneducated on what was going on or left completely in the dark to the point that their spouse didn't even know what they were doing. Sometimes their spouses thought hey its a couple of beers no big deal. Then they were getting the crap kicked outta them and it became a big deal. I am sorry for your pain that yes I have never experienced but none the less were more painful for you than I could ever imagine. I understand the apearance for a need of a label. I just see no problem with the labels in place. Such as he is a real A-hole she is a real b***h or just a bad person in general. Everyone knows what your talking about. I mean anyone looks selfish next to Jesus or a saint. neither he or the saints were running around calling us all narcissists. It is easier to make a good man wise but only because bad man can only decide to help himself to become good. Noone can ever make a bad man good. I think thats a bit more accurate. A snake has his nature. Just because you hear a hiss don't mean it's a snake though. I'm not saying stick around to find out or play with it. Or hop in the bush you heard it in. Of course you need to protect yourself and of course the boogyman is real. There has got to be a way to avoid the boogyman without labeling him a narcissist. What if the people getting labeled are just bipolar? Does that mean you may run into a Narcissist and date one cause you called them the wrong thing? Alot of mental disorders I personally want to try and avoid all of them. That don't mean I don't wish them the best of luck. Personally I think if you ran into a real N you wouldn't know it till it was way too late no matter how much you educated yourself. That label does far greater harm than good. JMHO Thanks :)
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 85
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/2/2010 7:56:19 AM

I've been plagued with thoughts that maybe I missed an opportunity there. I mean, I am a guy, and it has been a while since I got laid.


Actually, you are delusional. If you had a chance once, you lost it. She placed you in the friends category and that is all that you would ever be. So if you want to get laid, look elsewhere. And stop being so weak.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 86
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/2/2010 8:40:46 AM
cowboy, I said it in the other Narc thread, and I will say it again. Most Narcs are undiagnosed. Why would they see a shrink? They are perfect. Nothing wrong with them, everyone else has the problem. How could there be a proper count of this, if they dont seek help? Only the few that are forced to, actually get counted.

My experience with a Narc lasted for over 5 years. I didnt diagnose him, my therapist did. He hit 8 of the 9 criteria, when he only needed 5. There are varying degrees of Narcissism. He had the neglected childhood.
My narc was in jail 7 different times. He hid that from me. When I learned of it, he lied and said he told me. I would have remembered drug dealing, assault, theft, perjury charges. He spent 5 years trying to make me perfect. On a daily basis, I got lectures, what I needed to do, to be perfect. Never mind he was a con artist, overweight--almost obese, even, lying, cheating, stealing. Any small thing about me that he didnt like, I was ridiculed. When we went out, I had to be dressed to the nines. I was, after all, with HIM. I tried for 3 years to get him out of my life. He couldnt stand the fact that someone rejected him. I was as close to perfect as he had found in over 30 years of searching. Good job, good income, respectable, personable, giving, caring, compassionate, height and weight proportionate. And I was malleable. Easily hurt, lonely, naive, and falling for the lies, hook, line and sinker. I always argued fairly. Even though he would yell, I never would. Until about 2 years in. Then I started telling him, what was wrong with him. Trying to get away from him, but he kept coming back, wearing me down. Finally, 3 years ago, I let him know I had a gun, and security cameras set up. Told him to stay away from me. He has stayed away. But that doesnt stop him from sending other people to my house, emailing, changing his email address, when I block him. Calling me from odd phones---phone booths. sending me mail. Coming through where I work, talking to coworkers. I suspect he has been in my home when I was working, books I didnt buy are on the shelf, emails I havent read have been opened. Even though he is living with a woman.

3 years, I havent seen him. But he still intrudes into my life. I hear or get something at least monthly. Most I cant prove where it came from. Wouldnt I look stupid taking him to court when he just called to wish me a happy birthday or valentines day? Or to ask if I needed anything?

So, you see, Cowboy. Some of us do know what were talking about. These threads can be therapeutic. Your condescending attitude isnt helping anyone.
With all of your posts about this, on this thread, and the other, why does the subject of Narcissism bother you so much?
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 87
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/2/2010 9:23:09 AM
Well Im sorry you had that experience and that you are still haveing that experience. I didn't say noone knew what they were talking about. I'm sure you do. He sounds really mental. It's a free country do as you please. I didn't mean to paste that last post of mine three times, sorry. lol If you think Im condescending that wasn't my intention. If its therapeutic to lash out at people who have a different opinion and would like some to be more responsible with their accusations then fine have away at it. Other people asked me why I had the opinion I had and I already answered it above probably about three times. Why ask me again what is it to me again? Why ask why it bothers me again? Do whatever you want.
 wicked_desires
Joined: 1/30/2010
Msg: 88
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/2/2010 9:49:33 AM
I think i am not sure what to think of you asking us what to think...I am thinking in a thinky kinda way

let me explain :)
You are unhappy and also happy with what you've done so far.

if you want her as a friend then tell her
if you want her as a partner then let her know
And she will give you an answer to that which you ask one would hope
But common OP, make up your mind she must be as confused as you.

i read the blood thingie, everyone should donate if possible.

As for literary sucking the blood out ( spares ye, the readers, an ex wife joke of gawffawing proportions, as no doubt she tell the same one - with me and her interchangeable) then that is something entirely different.

I was on a goth site once, think it changed to vampire something or other and i am not a renowned blood sucker...though have a penchant for that beclad in boots and corset and named trouble ;)

Devourer of chocolate muffins and choc chip cookies perhaps, but i fail to see how you can interchange narcissist (overused and often misused word) with that of what you mentioned.

Slipper note (as I not done one on eons)

You think you did the right thing!
Perhaps you did or didnt ;)
 CarpeOmnia
Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 89
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/2/2010 10:51:27 AM
When I read the post by Forum101 it struck a chord with me. I have been trying, for 2 years now, to get mine out of my life. According to him, he didn't start his cocaine/crack addiction until after we were married(we were only married 2 years)...so some of his "behaviors" could have stemmed from or been accentuated by the drugs.
He came to counselling with me, but lied through his teeth there....the counsellor ended our sessions after finding out I had individual counselling set up for me...and handed the ex a card telling him to come back when he was willing to "get real".

He refuses to acknowledge the mess his addiction left behind for me to clean up. Doesn't care that it took me 6 months of lab testing to make sure my health wasn't compromised...Doesn't have a twinge of guilt over the massive debt he incurred that I paid off(he sold our company gear for crack money....company gear that I had purchased with my line of credit)
And now....I am slowly shaking loose of him. In speaking with my lawyer yesterday, the ex is STILL in dreamland. Wanting the sun, moon and stars from me...
I have learned the value in not responding to any emails, calls or texts...except for forwarding them to my attorney if they are helpful to our case.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 90
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/3/2010 7:05:58 AM
forum101 I was gonna let you make it but what you say just angers me a bit to much for that. Yeah you said it in the other thread. I was doing what is called ignoring you. All I said is all these people no way at a certain point they would have to be dating the same girl or guy. Sure you had a relationship with a real winner. Sure he was a con. No doubt he was immoral. Sure I believe he was even a liar. You as close to perfect as he could find? Doubt it. Drug dealing? More than likely another drugy. Where you targeted probably. By a narcissist? Not necessarily. Allot of people don't handle rejection well. Your therapist diagnosed him? Wow I've never heard of that one before. A therapist diagnosing someone by someone elses perspective of that person would never happen. Why lie? The therapist may of suspected this to be the case. Even stated you have symptoms of dealing with such a person. I promise you though the therapist didn't diagnose him with anything. It's your therapist not his. By the way I showed my therapist your posts and he said that you and your therapist are diagnosed as poo-poo heads. This is just childish to think people are actually gonna believe this. Tried to get away but he kept coming back? Its called go to local walmart get some boxes and pack your s**t. Its called a moving van. A restraining order states contact is totally restricted by either the person stalking or second parties that includes him sending people or getting someone to call you. Yes there is plenty you can do about him asking or doing or saying anything to you in any way shape or form. You can get the IP addresses and stick with it and get it stopped or simply as simple as my favorite phrase "raise on up". Move to another close town or city where he has no idea where your at. I understand how he changes his e-mail address. Why haven't you changed yours? I understand how he calls you from payphones but why haven't you change your phone number? If you want to get away from someone bad enough believe me you will. No problem. This isn't A&E or the WN channel. This is real life lady. The other two women on here I believe with all my heart but you set it up as if anyone has to sit there and be a victim. Well I say play the victim card all you want but thats your choice. Get up and stop being a victim and take your own life back. Maybe you caught on a bit slowly. Well your aware now so whats the excuse now?
 newyorksassygirl
Joined: 11/8/2008
Msg: 91
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/3/2010 8:07:08 AM
I was involved and married a fellow who had the narrsacist thing going on, get this he was blind, severe diabetic, high blood pressure the whole thing- Yet he was adorable and full of charm, almost caused me to commit suicide by the time it was over. In 2 months we had trouble with the IRS, he had 2 affairs, he lost his job and I still loved the miserable Son Of a B, In hindsite he needed a ride(me) needed an income ( me again) and he needed a babysitter( that would be me) run ,run as fast as you can and youll get over it and hopefully learned from it, I know i did.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 92
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/4/2010 9:10:55 PM
Wow. What an arrogant, egotistical rant.
Didnt you get it? I refuse to be his victim.
You think it is so easy to get someone out of your life? Who is dealing with fantasy here?
These people are professional conmen, manipulators. Not your typical "cowboy"
I have lived too long, through too much, to allow any A**holes opinion to bother me. Take that to your Therapist. I'm sure you need one. Badly. You might want to check into antisocial.
 Tomahawk52
Joined: 1/31/2010
Msg: 93
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/4/2010 9:20:39 PM
There's no way I'd date a cocaine user.
And that's interesting to know that you can't donate blood anymore after having sex with a cocaine addict. Never thought it would hurt if you're protected. Guess I'd better look this up.

Anyway, you gotta let her go. Stop thinking about 'what might have happened' and figure out that it's for the best. Sure, you wanted her, and could have had her, but she's unattainable. This girl is more trouble than she's worth and you knew it.

There's other girls to meet, so go meet your butt out there.
 caf55
Joined: 3/25/2009
Msg: 94
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/4/2010 9:33:54 PM
You rock Motown Cowgirl. Priceless. Only wish I had said it first.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 95
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/4/2010 9:44:32 PM

I burned my bridges with a narcissist


and exactly what does that have to do with me?

Nah - I'm sure a true narcissist would just find someone else to build them a new bridge.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 96
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:39:09 AM
101 you can view my statements however you want. Your opinion means nothing to me either. Yes I do believe it is just that easy to remove someone from your life. If he can change his e-mail address guess what? So can you. It will even let you import your contacts and then let you mass e-mail them your new e-mail address. You have a story that don't really add up and I called you out on it. You get calls? Phone company will change the number for free. You might have a small fee to have it unlisted. I can think of very few reasons not to of done this in three years. You had giving not a single reason. Sounds easy to me a few key strokes and a phone call. Then a done deal. Why does that make me an a**hole simply questioning your ultamate autority on this subject? I not trying to dog you for anything especially haveing a therapist I believe alot of people even me need one. Just don't understand the reasoning for stretching the truth.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 97
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/7/2010 12:52:04 AM
sorry. cowboy. I have lived it. I REFUSE to allow that man to have any input into my life. That is what he wants. Even changing my email, gives him an ego boost. That he made me do that. No response is the best response.
dont you get it?
what your saying isnt helpful to anyone. You come on here with your patronizing, ridiculing attitude. Who needs that? Who wants that? Your opinion isnt the end all, be all.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 98
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/7/2010 8:09:00 AM
You know I have no doubt you lived whatever it is you lived. I think my entire point is that he have no input. I don't think that he wants you to change your e-mail cause that means he lost his contact with you. I think its more like your getting the ego boost from it and its sick no matter what your doing. I wouldn't think you would have a response cause there is really no excuse for your behavior.

It may not be helpful to you and thats really sad really. I got an attitude? You make no sense what so ever its completely insane. Your complaining basically about someone stealing your car all the time claiming to be a victim all the way through yet you still leave the car unlocked with the keys in it. wow just wow. If you do nothing to prevent the crime that is repetitive you no longer have the victim card sorry your just a sicko like him.
 LoisLane111
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 99
I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/11/2010 1:10:00 PM
This is real life lady. The other two women on here I believe with all my heart but you set it up as if anyone has to sit there and be a victim. .... Maybe you caught on a bit slowly. Well your aware now so whats the excuse now?


Nicecowboy, I think you should take the "nice" out of your name. So you know someone whose life was messed up because of violence...and now no one else can be called a narcissist? Check the literature...most Ns aren't even physically violent!!! But they inflict damage nonetheless.

I can tell you are not used to reading and writing much by your poor grammar and spelling (hey!!! running a spell checker would be a very good thing for you to do!!) But I digress.

If you read much about narcisissts you would know there is an excepted list of behaviors that deserve the label. Is this a scientific diagnoses that would stand up in court? No. But thinking people can agree, for the sake of making sense of their lives, that most likely if it walks like a duck and smells like a duck ...

It is easy for Ns to fool a therapist because they only meet an hour or so a week. A spouse has years of contact. Inconsistancies, lies, egos, the plotting and the using reveal themselves over time.

I agree with Forum 101!! I think you are an ignorant jerk.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 100
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I burned my bridges with a narcissist
Posted: 2/13/2010 12:16:41 AM

Nicecowboy, I think you should take the "nice" out of your name. So you know someone whose life was messed up because of violence...and now no one else can be called a narcissist? Check the literature...most Ns aren't even physically violent!!! But they inflict damage nonetheless.


Show me where I ever typed all of anything is always violent? I would imagine allot of them are. I would imagine they would be easily swayed to resort to violence. I have checked the literature and provided the links time and time again to support my opinion.


I can tell you are not used to reading and writing much by your poor grammar and spelling (hey!!! running a spell checker would be a very good thing for you to do!!) But I digress.


This coming from someone who misspelled narcissist and inconsistencies. You can tell nothing other than I was using my touch screen Iphone. I've simply lost my eye sight a little over the years and the little tiny winy keyboard is hard to punch all the right little thingys right. I can make all the mistakes in my grammar I want. My Iphone don't have a spell checker. Does this some how belittle what I have said? And way, way too late you digressed tremendous just responding in general.


If you read much about narcisissts you would know there is an excepted list of behaviors that deserve the label. Is this a scientific diagnoses that would stand up in court? No. But thinking people can agree, for the sake of making sense of their lives, that most likely if it walks like a duck and smells like a duck ...



I have read about narcissist. Just like everyone else. No one deserves an unproven label, ever. They also had a list of behaviors that deserved a label of witch in Salem. They also burned those people at stakes. Allot of thinking people at that time agreed as well, for the sake of making sense of their lives. Where all the people burned at those stakes witches? This is a modern day witch hunt and all these people on POF are the mob. Your trying to lead them I'm just trying to be reasonable and level headed about it.



It is easy for Ns to fool a therapist because they only meet an hour or so a week. A spouse has years of contact. Inconsistancies, lies, egos, the plotting and the using reveal themselves over time.


Yes it is easy for Ns and allot of other mental illnesses to fool therapist because they only meet an hour or so a week. The reason a warning is put with the hare scale is because a spouse has years of contact. That only certain people can diagnose such things and it's not their spouse. Put your pitch fork down and be reasonable please.




I agree with Forum 101!! I think you are an ignorant jerk.


You would you sound like a child who wouldn't know what way to go unless told. If you agree on every single thing she said then you agree with leaving the lines of communication open to a predator or accused one who is stalking you. That being the case then as I stated when you do nothing to prevent you may as well be an accessory to the crime in my opinion. 3 years and you never changed your e-mail or your phone number because then he wins somehow? Thats ignorance at its finest. Do me a favor if you agree so much every time you go somewhere leave your car doors unlocked with the keys in the ignition. When your car is stolen and you call the police tell them you left your keys in the ignition. When he starts telling you how stupid you are tell him you do it and will always do it cause if you don't the car thieves win. Then come back and tell me how much more of a jerk I am compared to him.
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