| | What kind of man turns his back on his child?Page 3 of 7 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) | Her reasons for having the child:
i didn't think I could have kids
Well if it happened this time, she should have realized she was wrong to "think I couldn't have kids". I wonder how long it will be before she has baby #2?
I didn't want his child
Solution - don't have it or give birth to the baby and place it for adoption with the father's involvement in selecting a family (or not). Why does this NEVER seem to be an option for young mothers? The father probably would have been on board for that.
I just couldn't bring myself do laying on that table and having the life sucked out of me...
I can respect that....but what about adoption then? I guarantee that raising a child alone is going to be difficult in many ways. I guess the OP can just start more threads complaining about how difficult it is to be a single parent and go on and on blaming the "sperm" donor.
It's not even about him and I anymore
Really? So why then did the OP make this comment...
im so confused, and hurt...all i can think of is he must be half gay or something
If this thread was about
I just don't want to explain to my son why daddy didn't want you or why he isn't around
The OP could have done a thread search or left all the other stuff out of it and created yet another redundant thread...we don't have enough of those.....
This OP wanted validation, she didn't get it and poof she's gone. | |
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Bug77
| | Joined: 1/9/2010
Msg: 52 | |
| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 1/29/2010 4:56:03 PM | | ok people- all that crap about her "trapping" him is rediculous. And who are you people to judge anyway? Just because she didnt want his baby that doesnt mean that she doesnt want her own. Obviously she is going to take care of her child and love every second of it. And maybe he talked about having kids with her and then jetted. you people dont really know the whole situation so dont be so quick to jump the gun. Have a heart, maybe she just needed to ventilate thats why she posted. And if the man was so not ready for kids maybe he should have protected himself and wrapped it up. fyi the man is 8 years older than her...he should know better. You people talking crap need to get a life and stop trying to analyze everyone elses.....like you people are life gurus...ha | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 1/29/2010 6:29:45 PM |
Well if it happened this time, she should have realized she was wrong to "think I couldn't have kids". I wonder how long it will be before she has baby #2?
Hey, she might think it even less likely...
Afterall, if she can't have a kid, having a miracle a second time is just huge odds....!!!! | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 1/29/2010 7:04:42 PM | allegory and manipulation.its sounds like entrapment quite frankly. it was not planned.Guess you were hoping thins would work themselves out in this situation.Learning lesson about life. you are both responsable for your actions. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 1/30/2010 7:56:04 PM |
Suck it up OP and put your big girl panties on. Quit doing the woe-is-me routine 'cause it's tired and played out. Sure you can be bitter, but get the sympathy from your friends (if you have em) nobody on the interwebz cares about you or your whorish ways.
All you can do now is be the best parent you can be. Hopefully your kid doesn't hate you too much when he grows up.
You are a single parent also, so i suspect you, also, have whorish ways. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 1/31/2010 6:31:25 AM | Well, in YOUR situation, the kind that did not want to be a father. The kind that was not ready for that commitment or role.
I'd say an irresponsible one - because he is, in a way (the old if you don't want kids, then don't stick it in), but if you thought you could not get pregnant and told him this - then many men would have (foolishly) taken you at your word and my guess is that you two were not using protection/birth control... so primarily, he was foolish because he thought he was safe and took the risk of having unprotected sex.
To his credit, he asked you to abort - he made it clear from the beginning that he did not want to be a father. What you do from here is your choice. Legally, you are entitled to child support - and if you feel you will need it to raise the child, then apply for it - but other than that, leave the man alone. You have several years before your child will be asking about "daddy" and perhaps by then, you will have met someone willing to wear those shoes and adopt your child to raise with you.
My situation was a bit different than yours - I was married to a man with 4 other children, who told me for years that he wanted a child with me, but when I was 9 months pregnant, he decided he wanted a different life and walked out - never looking back. Our son is seven years old now and it was not until last summer that he asked about his biological father. I explained as honestly and gently as I could (i.e., without saying "Your father is a jack@ss who abandoned us just before you were born - he's a loser!" but also without lying) and he accepted my answer. I gave him some pictures of his father and told him that when he was older, if he still wants, I will give him his father's contact information - if I have it (I have a general idea of where he is).
In short, I guess I am telling you that I had more of a reason to hate/bad-mouth my ex because he entered into the conception aware and saying that he wanted to be a father again, but it is in the best interest of my son not to. In the end, if he (my ex) decides to have a relationship with his youngest son (which I doubt he will, since he has ignored all of his older children - two of whom are adults now), he will have to explain why he chose not to be there. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 1/31/2010 4:19:33 PM |
My child's father hasn't been involved in her life since she was a few months old. I have explained to her that sometimes when people have babies they just aren't ready to be parents, and that her father is one of those people. I assure her that this has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with his inability to be a dad right now.
Most mature response I've read in this thread. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 1/31/2010 7:21:46 PM | You can only explain to the child that..
you chose to keep and love them, no matter what life threw your way.............
^^^^^^^ sometimes I wish I read all the posts before I post....but the above quote was bang on... | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:34:32 AM | This OP wanted validation, she didn't get it and poof she's gone.
~TAKEN_itsallinthesoul ~
^^^^Your wrong, she was looking for advice and guidance....I don't blame her for leaving.
BTW...stop replying to threads if you think they are redundant...
These threads are like a "TURKEY SHOOT" for alot of members when a young newbie posts.....classy display of maturity and wisdom you guys passed on to this young girl..
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/1/2010 4:56:44 AM | Us "older" mothers (i just turned 30 so i guess i can qualify as an older mother now) should reach out to the young mothers that are new at motherhood and might not be in the ideal situation and aere very confused at the new life they are now living.
Some of us may have been that very young, very confused mother once. After having been around the block a few times, and going through a lot of maturation, and getting up in life, we may lose sight that we, also, might have been that brand new very confused young mother once, and us old hens should take the lil birdies under our wings rather than pecking them out of the nest. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/1/2010 6:13:05 AM | I did get pregnant at a young age...21....I made a different choice than this OP...most of the girls I knew growing up would have made a similar choice because at 21/22, most of us didn't really have our shit together enough to care for a dog much less a baby.
I'm sorry ladies, but on this one, I stand by what I said based on what the OP said. Confused and hurt about 9 months after the relationship ended?! Does she really sound READY for what is about to happen to her? She is still wrapped up in HIM and what is wrong with HIM and she is about to have her world turned upside down after the birth of her child and quite frankly she doesn't sound ready for it. Exactly what amount of coddling do you think will prepare her now? Sometimes things are not easy to hear but they do have to be said because life is not easy, life is not fair, some men will do what the father of this child did, some women aren't ready for the responsibility they foolishing take on.
Some women do grow up believing in the fairly tales they are read...Prince C exists and there will always be a happily ever after. Most of us women know that those stories and real life have no parallels. Few of us are princesses and few men are princes.
Personally, I still think this OP and the ones like her do require a huge wake-up call long before they are about to give birth so as the birth approaches their heads are on straight and ready for the huge responsibility of being a parent.
Sweetness...when you made the decision to have your youngest, you didn't make it with any silly romantic notions in your head. Did you accuse your child's father of being "gay or something" because he wasn't ready for the responsibility of parenthood or didn't want to raise a child with you? From what you've posted, you accepted that you were careless and were ready to accept the responsibility of being a single parent and didn't try to ram fatherhood down his throat. You strapped on your big girl panties and did what you needed to do. If I had seen any glimpse of that level of maturity from this OP I would have responded quite differently.
Sure maybe a year ago I may have joined in the ranks of those that want to coddle her or gently said what I wanted to say but my position on young single mothers has changed in the last year and I'm not going to apologize for that. I'm not going to say I'm totally in agreement with FShock but I am able to see the arguments behind alot of what she said when it comes to this issue much more clearly than I could a year ago.
If a young woman I knew became pregnant and talked with me today, I would probably lean more heavily to suggesting adoption to her, something that for some reason I often excluded before in the list of options. I used to think abortion and parenthood were the only options but the older I get, the more I see around me, the more I am starting to realize that adoption should be getting more consideration than it does among the young mothers whose own lives haven't even really begun.
If you can get pregnant once, you can more than likely get pregnant again when you are truly ready to be a mother, with or without the involvement of the father. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/1/2010 8:05:39 AM | ^^^^please point toward the suggestion you made to a young mother?..nope don't see it..just judgements....oh yeah right silly me, I forgot....this is the new you I guess allitsinthesoul.....one that has a man......kudos to you.....gawd..........gimme a break...
How much manure is stuck in the back of your..........but I digress...
If a young woman talked to you today about her concerns and questions about becoming a new Mom.. I certainly hope the delivery of your opinion is better in person....
If you can get pregnant once, you can more than likely get pregnant again when you are truly ready to be a mother, with or without the involvement of the father.
~TAKEN_itsallinthesoul~
^^^^Okay I get it itsallinthesoul....you made your bed....so lay in it right?
Give my regards to Otis...... | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/1/2010 8:12:19 AM |
If I were in your shoes right now, I would seriously consider adoption, not because I don't think you could be a good mother but because you had this child for ALL THE WRONG REASONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was my suggestion. You don't like it, that much is obvious but you know I'm still entitled to have it and share it.
If you can get pregnant once, you can more than likely get pregnant again when you are truly ready to be a mother, with or without the involvement of the father.
kinda backed up my original suggestion....
Okay I get it itsallinthesoul....you made your bed....so lay in it right?
Give my regards to Otis......
No, Liz, you really don't get it. You are annoyed with me...fine, I think that anyone reading your posts directed at me as of late gets that. You think I've let you down in some way. I'm TRULY sorry you feel that way Lizbeth but to be blunt, that is really YOUR problem, not mine.
As for Otis and I....lol....yeah we've had our moments and there were definately times I wished I had made other choices but you know the ultimate goal is conflict RESOLUTION and we have actually managed to RESOLVE ours. I will pass along your message to him though, even though he doesn't have a clue who you are.....
Do you really want to go to war with me Lizbeth because you are mad at me for some perceived slight? I'd offer you some unsolicited advice but quite frankly, you are not very receptive so why bother? | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/2/2010 6:21:54 AM |
Sweetness...when you made the decision to have your youngest, you didn't make it with any silly romantic notions in your head. Did you accuse your child's father of being "gay or something" because he wasn't ready for the responsibility of parenthood or didn't want to raise a child with you? From what you've posted, you accepted that you were careless and were ready to accept the responsibility of being a single parent and didn't try to ram fatherhood down his throat. You strapped on your big girl panties and did what you needed to do. If I had seen any glimpse of that level of maturity from this OP I would have responded quite differently.
True, but i internalized a lot of feelings. I did fine, but i hid my feelings fcrom the world. I did often think, during my pregnancy, what kind of man would turn his back on me and his baby. I just didnt vocalize it, go after him, complain, etc, i did go on with life, forget him, and take care of my own shit, but the feeling was definately there. I didnt have internet back then or i might have asked the same question on a forum. Except for calling him gay, the things he did to me,most definately hetero. Just a hetero that didnt want kids. Thats why i waited for marriage to have my second baby, didnt want to go through thre internal hurt again. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/2/2010 11:13:06 AM | I think woman have illusions about the relationship a man will have with his child I know I did. I thought because our daughter was planned that my ex would love her with all his heart and do everything for her like a good dad. I guess we expect men to love their children the way we do. One thing about these threads is you really see how different the sexes think. And these forums really have a way of becoming he said versus she said. No wonder relationships are so hard.
How can a man not want to hold his child? I think most women can't understand that because I knew I loved my child before I ever held her and I knew there was nothing I wouldn't do for her-- to me that seemed natural. For a man to walk away from his child, his responsibilities doesn't feel natural to me.
I know I was angry... I was so angry for well over a yr... like how could my ex deny his daughter? how could he turn his back on her? how come he didn't want to be a good father to her? How could he have absolutely no interest in her?
The anger does eventually fade as long as your not holding onto it and feeding the anger. I called my ex a lot of things initially now I just feel bad for him because he's missing out on the best thing he'll ever do. Still kind of stings around xmas time and on her bday. Like I don't understand how he can't be bothered to send her a bday card. But those were the choices he made.
In the single parent forums we're always talking about choices... the man decided to walk away regardless of how the child came into existance that child is still part of him and he would rather pretend the child doesn't exist well thats on him and there's nothing no one can do to make him be involved. Maybe it doesn't bother some men maybe it does who knows. Some women choose to walk away from their children so it happens on both sides.
If people cannot be responsible enough for the consequences of sex then they shouldn't have sex it really is that simple. People need to use protection. There are so many forms of contraceptions there really is no excuse for being lazy.
I know OP is gone but I hope she finds a way to put her anger aside so that she can be the best mom that she can be because thats all that really matters now. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/2/2010 5:44:30 PM | Any one of us who have had it happen to us do know the rejection we feel as women and also the pain we feel on behalf of our children...some of us even go through it more than once (pointing at self here). I also tend to think that most of us throughout our pregnancy shifted our focus to preparing for motherhood and away from the man.
Clearly this OP didn't by her very own words. I am sure that I can't adequately explain to you why I chose to respond to the OP the way I did. I follow my instincts and if they were wrong this time and the "OP" tells me that, I will owe her an apology and I will give her one...I've done it before on threads. I am humble enough to do that. None of us can know who is right and who is wrong and unless the OP speaks up.....we simply don't know. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/3/2010 8:01:20 PM | | Wow - I cant believe how many of you are defending this guy. I am not saying that the op hasnt done things she shouldnt have - but even if she got pegnant intentionally, even if the guy was completely duped by her, it is NOT the child's fault. The child is not the one who chose to be born and should not have to grow up not knowing the father. A decent guy would demand a DNA test and take responsibility for the baby. That does not mean he needs to be with the mother, but there should be visits with the child and support. What kind of idiot believes a 22 yr old cant get pregnant with out hearing from the dr anyway? Sounds to me like she tried to trap the guy and his only concern was not having to wear a condom. Now, a child will suffer because they were BOTH irresponsible. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/3/2010 9:15:20 PM | | firstly i have to say my auntie had an abortion when she was younger and then found out when she was ready to have children that she could no longer have them so i understand if the situation is as u say that u was under the understandin that you could not have children then i totally agree with your choice however... if the father did not want the child you should not slate him for not being there .. that was his choice.. i have two children n there father is no longer in there lifes but i made that choice although i do not tell them why..it is not fair to them i fink you need to take a moment to sit bak and realise you made the choice to have the child so therefor why on gods earth would you say u did not want the child ?? i agree every child is a blessing and you should count your lucky stars you had the chance to have a child. as there are thousands of women/couples and other that can not have that blessing.. i had my first child at 15 and would not change him for the world .. no matter how hard it gets and you do not need the father there .. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/3/2010 9:23:19 PM | i could not agree more when i had my first child at 15 i went on a forum as i struggled with post natal depression and no wonder i nearly admitted defeat some people nowadays are just rediculous.(i say some as there was a few that was very nice).
i am now 21 and have two children and looking to do councilling along the lines of either working with children in carehomes or councilling support for young mothers.
i know that this comment was very random but i thought your comment was hitting the nail on the head ..x | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/3/2010 10:06:32 PM |
Hey, she might think it even less likely...
Afterall, if she can't have a kid, having a miracle a second time is just huge odds....!!!!
Actually, it depends on the reasons why. A lot of the women in my family have polycystic ovarian syndrome. With PCOS, your estrogen levels can tank and make it very, very hard to conceive. 2 of my first cousins were told at the ages of 15 and 16 that if they did not have children by the time they were 20 they would never have them because their ovaries would be completely shut down by then.
Fast forward 10 years and they both found out they were pregnant about a month apart. Both had healthy children and both got pregnant again just months later. Nobody bothered to tell them that the heightened estrogen levels after the delivery would make them almost/just as fertile as someone without the disorder.
To answer the OP.
The kind of man who didn't want a child in the first place. That's pretty much it. I have a lot less sympathy for you than for someone who was lied to from the beginning. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/4/2010 7:00:15 AM |
Sounds to me like she tried to trap the guy and his only concern was not having to wear a condom. Now, a child will suffer because they were BOTH irresponsible.
Because she chose to have and keep this child! Only she gets that choice. | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/4/2010 8:11:12 AM | | OP, no he's not half gay, he just doesn't want to be a father. Yeah, it sucks, but now you see what kind of man he is and truth be told he may have broken up with you even if you weren't pregnant. I doubt that guy will ever come around be there for your child. So it's on you to raise him the best you can. Do you really want a man in your child's life that bailed in the first place? | |
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| What kind of man turns his back on his child?
Posted: 2/4/2010 8:38:05 AM | | ETA: I missed the part where OP said she thought she couldn't get pregnant. My question is why would you test your doctor's assumption. No doctor is going to give you an absolute unless you have had a hysterectomy. I have a friend who was told that it was "unlikely" she would be able to have kids. She and her hubby had been married about 10 years until one day BAM...she was pregnant. So I'm not buying that you didn't want to get pregnant by this guy to keep him around. If you truly didn't want to chance a pregnant you would've insisted on condoms. But the guy himself isn't off the hook either. He should've worn one regardless of what you told him. | |
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