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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.      Home login  
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 brightestblue
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 195
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.Page 9 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Diamonds? No way- for the reasons listed by some posters above. The ring is way less important than the commitment it symbolizes. Something unique, inexpensive and meaningful is the way to go.

As to the OP- it really seems strange to me that a couple could date for a year without ever having discussed their feelings on these matters. In every LTR I've been in, the topic has come up within the first few weeks. Not so much- "are WE getting married?" as "what are your feelings about marriage generally?' At that point, if I were marriage-minded, and he refused to consider it, I'd figure I was wasting my time and move on. Likewise, there was a time when I didn't even want to think about marriage, and I dated a string of men who were extremely eager to head in that direction. I figured it was unfair if I led them to believe I might be persuaded, when I really wasn't going to be at that time.

I guess communication and not just seeing what we want are essential here.
 AU 4 U
Joined: 10/22/2009
Msg: 196
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/11/2010 5:04:20 PM
As a Goldsmith and a designer of custom made jewelery,,,all I have ever met were GOLDDIGGERS.
A big part of my business is the recycling/redesigning of old rings/pendents etc. It has always amazed me how many engagement/wedding ring sets some women accumulate to have recycled and made into dinner rings.
If that wasn't bad enough, some even hit on me during the consultation/designing process!
Who would get involved with a woman that has 3 wedding sets to melt down and redesign???!!!
AND, I have been asked by 7 women in my life to marry them, just so they can get the big rock on there finger. They have even pointed out to me exactly what they want made, ALL WITHIN THE FIRST 6 MONTHS.
OP,,,I know and have met lots of women that go for the emotional high of the engagement/wedding, and when it subsides and it becomes the every day routine, its over for them and the relationship.
The Engagement ring is relatively new, it started in the late 40's.
Why not do something more traditional and get her a GOAT
 Wstlcoguy66
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 197
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/11/2010 5:25:37 PM
Ronnie:

Good point.

Why would a woman push marriage? Because she wants security and she wants to finally "relax".

As a man, you paint yourself into a corner when you marry. If the woman with holds affection, there is nothing you can do. If a woman begins to treat you without respect, there's nothing you can do. If a woman decides she really doesn't want a family, there is nothing you can do. If the woman gains 50 lbs, there's nothing you can do. If the woman wants to quit her job, there's nothing you can do. When you marry, you hand-over the power to the woman.

Oh..Wait...You can divorce her and lose half your stack and pay sometimes indefinitely to keep her in the lifestyle she's enjoyed while she was married to you....

Gee. Seems like a great arrangement to me!
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 198
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/11/2010 5:32:13 PM

Why not do something more traditional and get her a GOAT

Oh yea sure...we all know how THAT one ends too...all fun and games til it's ME that has to walk it, and bathe it, and groom it, and let it out, and clean up after it.

Work, work, work.

Forget that noise :P
 TJ Collins
Joined: 1/25/2010
Msg: 199
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/11/2010 5:37:30 PM

As a man, you paint yourself into a corner when you marry. If the woman with holds affection, there is nothing you can do. If a woman begins to treat you without respect, there's nothing you can do. If a woman decides she really doesn't want a family, there is nothing you can do. If the woman gains 50 lbs, there's nothing you can do. If the woman wants to quit her job, there's nothing you can do. When you marry, you hand-over the power to the woman.

Oh..Wait...You can divorce her and lose half your stack and pay sometimes indefinitely to keep her in the lifestyle she's enjoyed while she was married to you....


Good post but we are not talking piranhas.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 200
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/11/2010 5:39:19 PM
I haven't read all the pages of posts.

My view after being in a 2 year relationship that didn't seem to be moving anywhere... is that you need some kind of a commitment. I realised after my relationship ended, we both wanted something completely different. Weekend lover was fun, but I guess I needed more. His loss... I am sure he is on his next 2 year relationship by now, or shorter depending when the next person sets her deadline for...

Some women need a commitment of some sort......We just do.....and we are not gold-diggers because of that.

I wouldn't say I needed a ring, or even marriage... Just something more ... can't even put words to it.....
 edencapwell
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 201
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/11/2010 7:57:12 PM
As to the OP- it really seems strange to me that a couple could date for a year without ever having discussed their feelings on these matters. In every LTR I've been in, the topic has come up within the first few weeks. Not so much- "are WE getting married?" as "what are your feelings about marriage generally?'

it doesn't seem strange to me at all. do you mean to tell us that EVERY man you've dated has discussed marriage with you and wants to marry you? wow, that's kind of amazing and incredible. i dated one guy for 3 years and the subject NEVER came up even once. and if you are casually dating someone, why on earth would you even talk about marriage? that makes no sense.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 202
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/11/2010 8:08:57 PM

it doesn't seem strange to me at all. do you mean to tell us that EVERY man you've dated has discussed marriage with you and wants to marry you? wow, that's kind of amazing and incredible. i dated one guy for 3 years and the subject NEVER came up even once. and if you are casually dating someone, why on earth would you even talk about marriage? that makes no sense.
I think it makes ALL the sense in the world to discuss such a thing with someone if that is your ultimate goal.. If ya don't care one way or the other, then it's not something that needs to be discussed.. Makes perfect sense if you think about it.

Discussing it doesn't mean that you expect the guy/gal to make a decision to marry you after the 3rd date.. Just that you want to be with someone who eventually would want to marry if you actually found yourselves in love with each other .. See?

I've seen Op post many times that he'd never marry again. He doesn't respond to questions if he told his SO this little tid-bit from the beginning of their relationship..
 brightestblue
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 203
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/12/2010 12:04:05 AM

it doesn't seem strange to me at all. do you mean to tell us that EVERY man you've dated has discussed marriage with you and wants to marry you? wow, that's kind of amazing and incredible. i dated one guy for 3 years and the subject NEVER came up even once. and if you are casually dating someone, why on earth would you even talk about marriage? that makes no sense.


NO. That's NOT at all what I'm saying. I don't believe I ever said every man I ever dated wanted to marry me. This is what I said:
Not so much- "are WE getting married?" as "what are your feelings about marriage generally?'


With most men that I've had more than a few dates with (not a vast number, frankly, lol), the topic of our life goals, things we'd like to do someday, etc., all seemed to come up fairly early on. From those conversations, it's usually pretty easy to get at least an idea of where they stand. I've heard everything from, "I really want to settle down and have kids," (and no, I didn't assume they necessarily want ME to bear their children), to "my marriage was such a disaster; I'm never doing that again." Once I've been dating someone exclusively for a few months, it would seem strange to me if we didn't discuss the future at all. I realize that just playing it by ear indefinitely works for some people. It's just not for me.



Discussing it doesn't mean that you expect the guy/gal to make a decision to marry you after the 3rd date.. Just that you want to be with someone who eventually would want to marry if you actually found yourselves in love with each other .. See?


Yup.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 204
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/12/2010 12:11:59 AM
my philosophy: keep the government out of the bedroom.
 sushisue
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 205
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/12/2010 10:58:41 AM
AU 4 U
I love your post! I 've been divorced since 96. When I moved away from my ex and into my own place I was robbed, and there went the wedding set. I like jewelry so I bought my own ring. People often ask me if it is my "old" wedding ring(diamonds set in a band). If a man wanted to buy me jewelry that would be nice , but I wouldn't qualify our relationship by it...and I don't want to be the 3rd or 4th "Mrs." either.
 rockieroller
Joined: 11/27/2009
Msg: 206
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/12/2010 11:01:31 AM
Yep- rings are for little girls (lol) or a genration years ago who honored marriage in that way, abused or not........
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 207
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/12/2010 11:06:44 AM

As to the OP- it really seems strange to me that a couple could date for a year without ever having discussed their feelings on these matters. In every LTR I've been in, the topic has come up within the first few weeks. Not so much- "are WE getting married?" as "what are your feelings about marriage generally?'

Same here. Seems quite ordinary to me that two people would want to know from the outset whether or not they're on the same page about eventual possibilities.

I realize that just playing it by ear indefinitely works for some people.

I don't think it does! Seems to me that more often results in eventually encountering conflicting hidden expectations, as evidently happened with the OP. I don't think his girlfriend was wrong to break it off, but I do opine she should've been up-front that marriage was a priority for her. Then she could've spent that same year with someone who feels the same way.
 AU 4 U
Joined: 10/22/2009
Msg: 208
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/12/2010 12:54:47 PM
OP,,,The IRISH had a good way of displaying there availability, its called the 'Claddagh Ring', and it was purchased by the women (y0u know what they say about the Irish and the Scotts men).
The philosophy behind the ring is as follows (from Wiki):
"The way that a Claddagh ring is worn on the hand is usually intended to convey the wearer's romantic availability, or lack thereof. The ring is worn on the right hand with the heart facing outward to show that the wearer is not romantically linked but is looking for love. When turned inwards, it is shown that the wearer is in a relationship, or their heart has been "captured". Noting that the heart is pointing down the hand and into the veins which lead to the wearer's heart. The ring worn on the left hand with the heart facing outward shows the wearer is engaged; turned inward indicates the wearer is married."
OP,,,The next time a women wants to get engaged/married,,,tell her to buy her own!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 209
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/12/2010 1:06:13 PM
^^^^^Hopefully the ring's a good fit and never spins on her finger....mass confusion could ensue
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 210
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/12/2010 1:18:20 PM
Some women need a commitment of some sort......We just do.....and we are not gold-diggers because of that.

I wouldn't say I needed a ring, or even marriage... Just something more ... can't even put words to it.....

i agree with the above post.
i think it is called a common goal for the relationship
knowing what each one wants for the day and the future.
and possibly a plan to walk on the same path together and know when a fork comes in the road that you can decide together which way to turn.
 edencapwell
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 211
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/12/2010 3:18:29 PM
OP,,,The IRISH had a good way of displaying there availability, its called the 'Claddagh Ring', and it was purchased by the women (y0u know what they say about the Irish and the Scotts men).

no, what do they say about them?
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 212
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/14/2010 10:01:17 PM
After just watching a show called "Sextistics, your love life" on the learning channel cable show, most men propose, ( If they want marriage ) around 2 years and 11 months into the relationship. So maybe she should of waited a bit longer...lol
 verityone
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 213
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/15/2010 12:06:40 PM
Is it really that important to woemn that they need a ring to be convinced a man loves them ?

ONCE AGAIN, a man misassigns motive to a woman's actions.

Patently false.
That's a misandrist statement.
There are plenty of women who rely on the most banal of gestures and tokens to gauge a man's love for them, and push for them to occur.
That is known to be a universal truth.

To m,e she found marriage more important than me so I just let her go.

To her, you found NOT being married more important than being WITH her.

That's inane.
He didn't leave her, to avoid marrying her.
She left him, because he wasn't going to give in to her demands.

It's all a matter of perspective, isn't it?

Yes, it is.
Clearly.
Unfortunately, your prejudice clouds your perception of the reality that she became militant and ditched him because she couldn't get her way.
OP, dodged a bullet. That's for sure.

That's just the tip of the iceberg with people like that.



Hmm so it is not OK to be hard- line about expecting marriage or serious commitment to your liking insert choice; but it is OK to be hard-line about not marrying.Hmm bullshine.

It's ok to be hardline about anything, anyone wants. It's your prerogative.
The harder your stance on something, the sooner it needs to be addressed, and the more it needs to be underlined,
Waiting a year to resolve a conflict of such a magnitude, and difference in fundamental nature, is completely imbecilic.

Why, it's controlling, emotional blackmail to want to spend the rest of your life with the same man!

It is controlling, if you'll leave someone you ostensibly wanted to spend your life with forever, for not wanting to marry.
It is cruel, to bask in someone's affections, and then use their attachment to you as a leverage to emotionally extort something you want, that's against their free will.
Unless you want to convince us that it is abusive, or a transgression to simply remain as loving and devoted as you always were to them...

You see, young lady, only men are "rational"

You must have selective reading, or comprehension.
In every thread, there are women who are every bit as intelligent and rational as men.
There's simply not enough of them that are single, to go around.

Ultimatums? Why do people see boundaries as negative?

It impinges on their free will.

He says no, I don't want to get married, and if she had said, ok, I will stay, and wait, and we can go on as it is.
Then HE would be fine even though it was HE who had given her an ultimatum --- ya think?
And it is controlling. To let her think, that SOMEDAY it will happen. To have her heart waiting, trusting him, trusting because he loves her.

He's not controlled her.
He's mature and authentic, to have made his stance, crystal clear.
If she's deluded enough to think her staying will influence him to reconsider, that is a gamble she is taking.
An immature and foolish one.
No one but herself to blame, for being that foolish and immature.

And yes we get sick of it and it does get driven into the ground because it is an important item and it's shoved under the rug and it hurts. So, eventually, when it no longer FITS under the rug, we must roll the rug back, pick up our integrity and kiss them goodbye.

Integrity would have been, getting all your dealbreakers out on the table, before being committed to being with them, in the first place, by becoming emotionally implicated together.

For me a ring makes no difference except making it harder to move on once things go wrong.

We're well aware of the quest for leverage.

If I were looking to get married, Id likely have a timeline for a commitment, however, Id share this with my fella...so he could decide if he wanted it or not, and if I was the fella and didnt see myself marrying her, Id bow out gracefully well before the time ran out. But, that's just me.

Leave a good relationship, for a hope?
You assign that level of importance on such an abstract thing as a formal marriage?

I have to seriously question the line of circular reasoning, that any form of commitment, either verbal or written is any guarantee that either you or they would never leave, or that the relationship is not going to become undesirable.
Where does this notion come from, and how desperate are people to want give themselves some miniscule hope, and illusion of security?
Why not work on being more accepting of things we have no control over, and working on being less dependent, and more resilient?

Seriously...

Women like the one I had once upon a time are so rare indeed. The more time I spend here, and out in the real world, the more stories I'm exposed to where we see people just taking things for granted, not appreciating what they DO have and demanding what they DON'T have, ruining it all to shit...and then whining about it. Like there's some secret race that most of us weren't aware of. Some competition to see who can get to the alter fastest. Clearly, most of us missed the meetings that went over these things...or missed the memo.

+1

Online dating was always an additional resource for meeting women, for me. After meeting hundreds, I've completely written off any woman who is on an online dating site. Even if I meet them randomly, while out socially.
There is a definite 'type' of mindset, that is virtually across the board.
Entitlement attitudes, extreme self centeredness, over the top expectations, overestimated worths, and militant attitudes.
I'd much, much prefer being single, with an FWB, than give any consideration to anyone that is online, ever again.

"Every woman is different in regards to this.

Marriage isn't a big goal of mine, I'm not religious and I don't respect the institution.

Why add my name to what I percieve as a dying paradigm?

I kinda like the idea of handfasting, but finding a willing and compatible partner is the trick, lol.. "

So, you're the impetus for that other thread?

I like your style...
 blossoming123
Joined: 2/7/2010
Msg: 214
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/15/2010 12:33:53 PM
Used to believe in that... way I was raised... not so much that he really loves me, but that he's committed to the love. Now understand that it's meaningless, long-term, so I buy my own diamonds.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 215
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/15/2010 12:40:46 PM
There are plenty of women who rely on the most banal of gestures and tokens to gauge a man's love for them, and push for them to occur.
That is known to be a universal truth.

Um, no. A "universal truth" would mean ALL women rely on banal gestures and tokens, not just some of them.


In every thread, there are women who are every bit as intelligent and rational as men.

Backhanded compliment? SOME women as smart as *men* are! No way!! Wow, who woulda thunk it?

I'm beginning to think you just don't write clearly.
 verityone
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 216
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/15/2010 12:48:40 PM
Um, no. A "universal turth" would mean ALL women rely on banal gestures and tokens, not just some of them.


Stop building strawmen because your reading comprehension is lacking.

Read it again:

There are plenty of women who rely on the most banal of gestures and tokens to gauge a man's love for them, and push for them to occur.
That is known to be a universal truth.


It IS a universal truth that there are plenty of women who do rely on banal gestures and tokens, and push for them.

Class dismissed.

Once again, all you do , is reveal that you have no rebuttal to what's posted.

All you can do, is attack people who post.

I'm beginning to think you just don't write clearly.

I don't care what you think.

Stop wasting my time...
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 217
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If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/15/2010 12:54:46 PM
OP: Dunno, but there is a laziness factor that sets in (for both parties) in a relationship. I dunno if I've got what it takes to make marriage last a lifetime, but it depends on how I feel about a particular woman. If she truly has a big, sweet heart, I'll continue to adore her, fat, stretch marks and all. A willingness to work at keeping the love alive is essential.

I suppose I'd be in a better frame of mind to assess how I feel about a particular woman and decide whether I want to be married to her if I were in a CAREER that I love. If the next project is excitiing, a new challenge, emotionally and artistically rich and fulfilling, that passion would spill over into my lady, who is hopefully on board too with the same passion, or has her own passions to talk about which I find interesting too.

In order to have a healthy relationship with another, one must first have a healthy relationship with themselves, their own talents, ability to make a comfortable living doing something one loves, and one's connection to this world and the next, and one's own loving source. But we DO need a "help mate".
 blossoming123
Joined: 2/7/2010
Msg: 218
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/15/2010 1:00:15 PM
Well written, kpooks.
 no_BS_woman
Joined: 1/15/2010
Msg: 219
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.
Posted: 2/15/2010 1:10:43 PM

As to the OP- it really seems strange to me that a couple could date for a year without ever having discussed their feelings on these matters. In every LTR I've been in, the topic has come up within the first few weeks. Not so much- "are WE getting married?" as "what are your feelings about marriage generally?


This has been my experience, too. Also, the guys were the ones who brought up the topic of marriage, and/or living together, not me.


I guess communication and not just seeing what we want are essential here.


That would seem like common sense,wouldn't it? However, some people who will never marry avoid an honest and early disclosure of the fact that marriage is not an option.

Some people don't want to bring up marriage for fear they will lose the other person. Both of those options are very immature and selfish, IMO. Say what you mean; mean what you say. Don't waste people's time.


OP,,,The IRISH had a good way of displaying there availability, its called the 'Claddagh Ring', and it was purchased by the women (y0u know what they say about the Irish and the Scotts men).
The philosophy behind the ring is as follows (from Wiki):
"The way that a Claddagh ring is worn on the hand is usually intended to convey the wearer's romantic availability, or lack thereof. The ring is worn on the right hand with the heart facing outward to show that the wearer is not romantically linked but is looking for love. When turned inwards, it is shown that the wearer is in a relationship, or their heart has been "captured". Noting that the heart is pointing down the hand and into the veins which lead to the wearer's heart. The ring worn on the left hand with the heart facing outward shows the wearer is engaged; turned inward indicates the wearer is married."


I have and wear a Claddagh ring (aka Irish Wedding Ring) and, YES, I bought it myself! LOL
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.