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 stayinalive-2-44691
Joined: 1/21/2008
Msg: 51
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like himPage 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
i was very much involved with a widow that had a 21 year old daughter who was THE very most important thing in her life. mom spent
$75k a year putting miss princess thru a private college, and no, she did not live in the dorm, but on the 18th floor of a highrise overlooking lake michigan. it was clear to me that not only would i always be second to the princess but would be made to feel a runner-up. shortly before we broke up mom received a notice from the court about several hundred dollars in unpaid parking tickets from miss princess --the car was registered in mom's name. i got out of the picture--i hope she and her daughter have a nice life.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 52
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 5:34:24 AM
I can speak from my experience it was allot like these other men. There can be many issues. I had custody of my kids cause my wife passed. She had custody of her kids just because thats the way it usually works. Her kids were an issue for many reasons. My kids were very accepting and orderly and very sweet. Hers were terribly behaved in almost every way. The way they recieved and were allowed to treat me and my children were terrible. Nothing was done by her about any of it as well as my control over them or their well being. Yet I was expected to give care for them when she wasn't around. All this compounded with problems with the law. On top of that she was struggling financially. On top of that the father paid not a penny in child support. Had a tendency to make me feel as a man that im acceptable when the bills come in or when the children needed care. Unacceptable any other time. They were also around the age of ten. When they needed something I was the father figure without question when they didn't it was the "you cant tell me sh*t your not my dad". So for me I ended it because I was starting to get the feeling of if they are ballsy enough to say some or exibit the behavior of some mean hatefull stuff. That I would soon be ballsy enough to respond. I informed her of this and as she repeatedly ignored their behavior we would have no choice but to end the relationship. So these are many single reasons for someone to say Im out.
 gunny2nd
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 53
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 7:41:07 AM
Well for me, it would be just as important to have the acceptance of the children, as the woman.

Look at all the profiles and post that say, 'my kids come first'. Why wouldn't they?? So the man feels rejected by the child.. He can take you to the moon but if the kids don't like him, he's DONE, end of story, close the book. The kids will judge him just as much if not more then you.

Would you rather he not care if she likes him?

And you don't know why she doesn't like him?? Are we missing something...

All that " he's using her as an excuse to leave you" bull.

Somewhere down the line someone didn't work out standing issues between the child and him. Your the mother, that's your responsibility.

If the kids didn't like me, and the mother was making no effort to work out the kinks, yeah I would have hit the road to. Its already a hard transision for all involved, effort has to be made.
 seize de day
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 54
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 11:18:06 AM
What a shock another single mother who lets there kids away with murder and that is why I look for the kids section in a profile and stay the heck away from them. You dance with the devil you get burnt. Why should this guy hang around and take abuse from a kid, if he says anything he gets grief. It's never worth it you can only do a relationship when it's 50/50 when it's 20/80 what chance have you got.
 Sunnegirl
Joined: 10/30/2008
Msg: 55
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 12:37:07 PM
He did you a favor. I have learned that if your children do not like your boyfriend , there is something wrong. Our children know alot more than we give them credit for. He was just looking for an excuse, maybe even met someone else, move on sister , there is someone out there for you.
 copstav2
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 56
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 1:28:08 PM
thanks for all the comments
for the record
the few occasions my daughter was anything but nice and polite to him she got told in no uncertain terms to apologise
she was NEVER left alone with him ,, neither were my other kids who all liked him
i am not the kind of mother who lets my children run riot over anybody
i have talked to her and she just says she didnt like him but gives no reason why
i would NEVER EVER choose a man over my children
sometimes people just dont get on.. thats life ... how many times have you met someone you just dont like and cant really say why...at work or with a group of friends etc and just dealt with it
its sad for him because he has 4 daughters but only sees 1 of them, the other three dont want anything to do with him which he said was because their mothers had poisend them against him...
he told me once that if my daughter were a boy he would just try to instill some form of male bonding... but as she was a girl he did not feel that was a good idea
many of the comments from posters have been born out of personal experience so i feel they may be a bit one sided... but true to their own particular circumstances
my ex bf was a very kind wonderful man... not afriad to shoot from the hip when needed... had spent many years being in situations most of us would have ran from... and i believed he enjoyed being with me and my family... we laughed had fun did all the stuff a family did together... and its been hard on my other kids since he left .. they miss him as i do and that includes me 10yr old.
maybe i thought the love we had for each other which is still very deep would be enough to help us cope with the rough and the smooth... but i was wrong.
 copstav2
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 57
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 1:46:49 PM
excuse me?
i was not pinning anything on him... have bothered to read my last post ?
it wasnt his fault ..and i did not imply it was... as for being a dormat shopper..i have no idea what that means but its obviuosly meant as an insult to women who have children... maybe he was the dysfunctional one who could not maintain a relationship with three of his own children or his ex wives ... did you ever think of that?
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 58
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 2:06:06 PM
If this is a problem for either your daughter or the men you've been in relationships with, I'd simply leave your dating life separate from your family life until such time as your daughter's a bit older. You didn't say if you have shared custody with her father but if you do, I'd only have guys over when your daughter's not there. My b/f has an 11 year old daughter with every second week custody. I see him every second week in order to allow him to focus on her during the time he has her, rather than making her feel any more fragmented than divorces already make kids feel - my idea, not his. His ex, on the other hand, introduced a man into their daughter's life and it proved to be counter-productive in many ways for all concerned. Unless you're at the stage where you want to live with a boyfriend after a lengthy and gradual introduction into your younger children's lives, I believe in keeping dating and children separate, unless all your children are already adults - then it's a totally different dynamic.
 MrLove45
Joined: 1/31/2010
Msg: 59
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 2:35:07 PM
What a shock another single mother who lets there kids away with murder and that is why I look for the kids section in a profile and stay the heck away from them. You dance with the devil you get burnt. Why should this guy hang around and take abuse from a kid, if he says anything he gets grief. It's never worth it you can only do a relationship when it's 50/50 when it's 20/80 what chance have you got.

Good point there as I couldn't help but noticed that most of the singlemothers have pretty much got it bad for the guy. People are different, kids are different. I have dated women with children and for the most part things went fine...of course when you see them cutting up and all you just try and not interfer so as not to 'disrupt things' and let the mother and the kid work it out....Of course as far as in here I must admit that I like to see that part of the profile where it says 'kids are over 18'...and even with that if she cant let them live there life and get on with her's then I would feel like the perspective relationship is already sabotaged to fail...
Its not like I dont understand why most of the females that have commented have made this ' the guy is at fault' answer to this woman's solution and I must admit I am comforted at her response and says how her kids miss him....hopefully in the future she will have sucess in dating and her relationships.....
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 60
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:07:04 PM

maybe he was the dysfunctional one who could not maintain a relationship with three of his own children or his ex wives ... did you ever think of that?


Copstav this is your response to the other poster who is clearly an idiot....this is how you REALLY feel....frame it and remember it...Sometimes it takes stupid hurtful comments to allow our real feelings to emerge.

I've read all your responses and replies to posters OP, you are clearly a level headed woman and a great mother.

 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 61
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:15:09 PM
WOW first of all, I dont think we have all the facts.

{"the few occasions my daughter was anything but nice and polite"}
{"she was NEVER left alone with him"}

So YOU were with them 100% of the time? If not, then you can NOT say for certain how they treated 'each other' at all times.



{"i am not the kind of mother who lets my children run riot over anybody"}

No to be rude, but that is YOUR point of view, we here at the forums dont know how your children behave and what YOUR idea of behavoir is.



{"i have talked to her and she just says she didnt like him but gives no reason why"}

Sorry but they are your children, you should have been able to SEE something amiss between her and him. But you probably wernt paying attention because the relationship was still pretty new.!! (you can lie to us.... just dont lie to yourself)



{"i would NEVER EVER choose a man over my children"}

I hate this statement!! If you dont teach children that they cant just do whatever they want to break up a relationship/marriage, then any and everything you do is dictated by them!!!!!!!!! HELLO!
Many many years ago my daughter tried her best to do just that by lying and making up stories... when she realized that that tactic was NOT going to work and that commitment and communication are a very important part of life and she was NOT going to get her way "just because"....she quit!



{"sometimes people just dont get on.. thats life"}

Very ture! But you also cant let a child dictate YOUR life and your decisions as a parent.



{"he told me once that if my daughter were a boy he would just try to instill some form of male bonding... but as she was a girl he did not feel that was a good idea"}

At that early stage of your relationship he was very correct (I mean come on, think about it in real life terms).



{"my ex bf was a very kind wonderful man... not afriad to shoot from the hip when needed... had spent many years being in situations most of us would have ran from"}

Then why would he not put forth more effort to correct the problem? IMO It could have been because A. This was as good an excuse as any to end the relationship. B. You daughter misbehaved toward him (in his opinion). C. He was not as wonderful as you though he was. D. Maybe he saw it as going to fast.



{'i believed he enjoyed being with me and my family... we laughed had fun did all the stuff a family did together"}

After only (yes I said only) 10 months and your and instant family... I'd certainly be scared! Or maybe you were blinded by 'love' and didnt see reality.


{"maybe i thought the love we had for each other which is still very deep would be enough to help us cope with the rough and the smooth"}

See what happens when people spend more time thinking instead of communicating!!! It's the same as assuming!


{"but i was wrong"}

Or he just changed his mind (people are allowed to do that).
 InNCsearching
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 62
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:20:14 PM
I go back to something you said earlier you said..."he was a bouncer and doesn't take crap from anyone but let her come between us"...that's not his kid he was looking for you to do something prove to him that he doesn't have to be the disciplinarian and you'd stick up for your relationship over jealous kids. you failed so....that's why he left. not his problem to discipline the kids...it's yours and to notice things.
 MrLove45
Joined: 1/31/2010
Msg: 63
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:23:09 PM
Wow Majyk1 that was good.....and free too.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 64
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:25:38 PM

Many many years ago my daughter tried her best to do just that by lying and making up stories... when she realized that that tactic was NOT going to work and that commitment and communication are a very important part of life and she was NOT going to get her way "just because"....she quit!


Or maybe your daughter just gave up!

A 10 year old senses things around her, she's obviously picking up on this man's bad vibes.

Kids don't just cut ties with their parents for no apparent reason...this man has 3 grown up kids that have broken all ties with him...this should give you and everyone else an indication on the type of person he is.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 65
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:25:59 PM
Hello OP, I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. It is a very sad situation. When I met my ex husband, he had recently been divorced, and had 10 yr old twin daughters. They very much resented their father living with me, as opposed to their mother. I was the first person he dated after their divorce, and I think part of them always assumed I had something to do with their parent's divorce, although I didn't meet him until after.... In the beginning, they were pretty openly hostile, and although my ex made a few half hearted attempts at 'keeping the peace' I think deep down, he had a huge sense of guilt for having left them behind, with a woman he himself considered unbearable to live with. I actually discussed leaving with him several times near the beginning, but he begged me to stay with him, promised me we would continue to work through things, and said that eventually things would work themselves out. So I hung in there and kept trying.... I think the only thing that carried us through so many rough patches was the fact that the girls were only with us 4 days out of the month, and many times, they wouldn't even come during those times, because their mother had "accidentally" scheduled something for them to do with her that particular weekend. The times in between visits, he and I had a spectacular relationship, but in my opinion, the best it ever got with the girls was changing from blatent hostility to thinly veiled contempt, and the pretense of being a close family. I worked hard to make them feel comfortable and unthreatened in their relationship with their father, but they misread that kindness for weakness, and looked for any minute reason to create conflict in our household. We thought when our son was born, that might help create a more cohesive family bond, but it actually had the exact opposite effect, and I can't even describe the tension and animosity that just seemed to grow and grow... There were a lot of other things that were going on too, and eventually, I ended up leaving that marriage. I wouldn't say the girls were the cause of our breakup, but not having to spend time "pretending" to be a happy family with children that were never happy unless they were creating a situation where the ex had to make a choice where his loyalty lied was one of the greatest reliefs when the decision was made. Looking back, it seems like such a waste to have spent so much time trying to create a family situation with people who refused to be happy with anything other than their FAO together. My son is 19, and he refuses to even go spend any time with his father, because of all the tension and conflict that the girls create. I spent many years feeling guilty, feeling like I must be defective, because I couldn't figure out how to make that situation work, when I loved their father so very very much.... It was a feeling I couldn't shake until he started telling me how much conflict they were attempting to create in the relationship he got involved in after our divorce.... These girls are 28 years old now, and still just can't seem to come to grips with the fact that their father needs adult female companionship that isn't their place to provide. He has expressed his regret to me many times, that he could not see, or did not know how to effectively deal with, the issues that they were bringing to the table, and allowed it to have such a destructive effect on our relationship, and the relationship he has with our son. I take no satisfaction in the fact that another woman is dealing with the subtle animosity that I lived with for so many years, and it makes me profoundly sad for their father, as I don't think he will ever have the chance to experience a healthy loving relationship without that interferance.

I'm not saying your daughter is the issue here, there's no way for me to know that. Sometimes, certain individuals just cannot find a way to get along comfortably with other particular individuals, (think oil and water) and they don't feel as though it's in their power to change that. In that case, I think leaving is sometimes the best option, as painful as it might be. Maybe he didn't feel like he would ever be truly 'accepted' and have that sense of belonging within your family unit, and you really can't underestimate the importance of that security. I recently got engaged to a man who was divorced with two older teenage sons, living with him full time, and it's a completely different environment. The kids have good relationships with both their parents, and their parent's SO's because they feel accepted and loved in both situations, and they truly want to see each of their parents happy, in whatever situation they choose. If I had realized the damaging effect this whole thing was having on my son (and myself, and the ex, and likely the girls too) and how much different things could actually be in a stepfamily situation, I would have dismantled the whole thing about 15 years sooner.... BigDaddyJinx is right... no one should have to walk on eggshells in their own home, regardless of where the issue is coming from. I know this is a painful situation for you, and you have my genuine sympathy. However, I think in the long run, it will spare you the frustration and heartache of having wasted countless years in a relationship where you weren't able to be truly deeply connected to each other on a continuous basis, due to the subtle undercurrent of animosity that keeps everyone off center. I don't think there's anyone to blame in this situation... it's sad, but it is what it is. I wouldn't take it to mean that he didn't love you, or didn't value your relationship.... I think he simply got the feeling that there was not going to be a possibility to create a cohesive situation that was comfortable for everyone, and his leaving offers you both the opportunity to meet someone else who may be better suited to your particular situations. Your daughter is part of your package, as it should be, so if the situation were to be resolved, this was the only logical answer. I hope you feel better soon, and I wish you the very best.
 copstav2
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 66
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:29:56 PM
thanks arabianangle for your kind comments

the responses have been thought provoking and in some cases very rude... some seemed to imply that the relationship my bf had with my daughter was very suspicious hence my comment about not being alone with him the reality was he never left my side when we were together,,, he just wanted to hold me and touch me and be with me because he loved me... my children were not around all of the time....

i have asked my daughter many times why she did not like him and never got an answer that was meaninglful... maybe she wanted her dad back ... my ex bf is the only other man ever to come into her life apart from her dad ...i have asked her about this and she denies it,,,
either way
he did the right thing for him... and i dont blame him... i just needed to have others give their views so i can start to make some sence of all this...
 Saturday Night Rocks
Joined: 11/20/2005
Msg: 67
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:32:56 PM
Haven't read all the other posts, but try this on for size - the guy may simply not want to deal with unnecessary drama in his personal life , and rather than trying to pretend it was going to change, he decided enough was enough and ended things.
 BergundTal
Joined: 4/10/2009
Msg: 68
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:35:59 PM
Good woman Angela77 you said the right thing. There is always a reason, she may seen something the love drunk brain of the mother can not see.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 69
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:45:19 PM
Arabiangel {"A 10 year old senses things around her, she's obviously picking up on this man's bad vibes"}

That is also true to a point. I'm sorry, but It is NOT obvious to us (or atleast it shouldnt be because we were not there) that she had picked up bad vibes.

Children also more often then not, tend to lie and try to come between adults when they are jealous!!
I"m not saying one or the other is correct... Just another observation other then what I had already read in other posts.
 RoseArwen
Joined: 12/11/2009
Msg: 70
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:49:42 PM
Hello Op,

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I had a similar experience with my ex, but he didn't leave because my daughter didn't like him, he left for other reasons. The thing is I asked my daughter why she didn't like him and she said it was because the way he badly treated me, even though at the time I could not see this.

Your daughter has reasons why she doesn't like him and even though they may be meaningless to you, they are important to her. It may be that she was afraid he was taking you away from her. Your daughter has her reasons why she didn't like him and you must understand that whatever it is, it was important enough for her not to like your ex.

Don't go down the road of not liking your daughter, because she is deemed to have been the cause of your break up. That would be a most wrong thing to do. Hug your daughter and tell her you understand even though you do not. Family is more important than boyfriends who may come and go out of your life.

I am sorry that it hasn't worked out for you but if he was caring and understanding he would not have left. He would have been around and tried to sort things out.

You and your family deserve better than that. I wish you the best of luck for the future.
Rose
 manfredman37
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 71
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:52:31 PM
I'm afraid it just sound like a weak excuse. People find anything stupid like that to get away cowardly.

Tell him you will put your 10 year old up for adoption and see what he says.. (Of course do really do that, that would be awful).
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 72
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:53:25 PM

A 10 year old senses things around her, she's obviously picking up on this man's bad vibes

I know that's especially true of pets...like dogs and cats for sure...but people? Not so convinced. Especially a 10 year old who still believes in fairytales and look forward to Christmas because "Santa" will drop off a pile of goods. I do believe in babies/newborns being able to pick up things most adults wouldn't...I've seen the pets and newborns in action actually.

But a 10 year old?

Nah.

I'm more inclined to believe that the 10 year old is acting out. Big time. Either A) he has possibly tried to pull the "let's keep this secret" game, or B) she wants Daddy back and will ruin to all Hell any new man that Mommy brings by as a result.

THAT is far more believable than a 10 year old who can "sense" things.
 77Angela
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 73
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:56:34 PM

i have asked my daughter many times why she did not like him and never got an answer that was meaninglful... maybe she wanted her dad back ... my ex bf is the only other man ever to come into her life apart from her dad ...i have asked her about this and she denies it,,,


What kind of personality does your daughter have?
Is she vindictive?
Is she selfish?
Does she make friends easily, or is it difficult for her?
What is her relationship like with her father?

Think about these things, and then get in an open mindset and talk to her again and again about why she didn't like this guy; if you don't find this out, you may(and probably will) run into the same problem again and again whenever you meet a man you like.

If she'd a kindhearted girl, then you really need to pay attention to her reactions to the man you're with. There's a REASON she doesn't like him; and perhaps she doesn't want to hurt YOU by telling you the truth.

If she's the vindictive type, then that has to be taken into consideration.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 74
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:57:22 PM

its sad for him because he has 4 daughters but only sees 1 of them, the other three dont want anything to do with him which he said was because their mothers had poisend them against him...
OP this puts a new spin on the situation for me. Are these 4 daughters sisters all from the same home? Either way children no matter how much one parent poison's the child they almost always come back to the said parent for answers. Usually when they are teenagers so this doesn't sound right to me..



Children also more often then not, tend to lie and try to come between adults when they are jealous!!

Oh boy howdee do they ever. People that state a child doesn't lie, I always want to ask them. " Have you ever seen a two year old that has crawled up to get a cookie out of the cookie jar, the parents asks did you get a cookie what does that child say 99% of the time No mommy I didn't as tthey have cookies crumbs and chewing as fast as they can. Kids will like if they see a benefit to it ,that is human nature. I am not saying a this child is I am just talking in generalities here.

As far as the OP... She is the one that stated she was devastated and starting to resent the child to me that is a huge red flag. Also I know myself and many other parents that have great communication with their kids. You can tell when they are being evasive and it is your job as the parent to figure it out. Then deal with it accordingly.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 75
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:04:49 PM
Dear OP Oh my.

Do you really have to guess why your daughter is upset. Do you?
You are just seperated. Your not divorced. The time line suggests that within the past year
you seperated from your husband and sometime soon after met another man.
He is a bouncer in a club, forgive me but these men are rarely family guys. He is introduced to your children very very quickly. You take up on the couch with him, cuddling, making a display of yourself with another man. Infront of your 10 year old?
I assume. She is aware that you are amorous of him. No?
You obviously have no conversation with the child about, before , during the introductions of this new beau, because if you had, you would not be clueless as to what her thoughts were.
Divorce/Seperation to a young 10 year old girl is developmentally intrusive. It is a heartache. It is sorrow. Children hurt over seperations.
You put a bandaid on a broken leg...and then you added insult to injury to this child by just parading in another man, that she was not ready to accept.
She perhaps needed ultimate time with just her mother to recover and regroup and regain her childhood.
You just added misery to her life with yet another failed relationship.

You are worried that you may resent this child? The child should resent you. Your timing to fulfill your own desires for lust and romance have neglected your childs well being in ending your marraige. You say it was the first man she would know except her father, yet there is NO evidence that you NUTURED her through it.

I think you should keep your love interests discreet and away from the home for a time being. I think you need to do some mothering and not trying to be someones girlfriend right now. I have 4 daughters 31,27, 24, 12. I have many times decided to remain single and NOT DATE because they were at stages in there life when they had to come first.

I think you should look at his depature as a blessing in disguise, get over it NOW, and turn your head and pay attention to your kid. Focus on your girl. Forget about men.
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