Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 76
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like himPage 4 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
{"this puts a new spin on the situation for me."}
Because you are assuming!

{"Either way children no matter how much one parent poison's the child they almost always come back to the said parent for answers. Usually when they are teenagers so this doesn't sound right to me"}

Not neccessarily! If they actually believe everything their mother told them, then they may be pissed off at him and dont see a reason to even attempt to ask!




{"As far as the OP... She is the one that stated she was devastated and starting to resent the child to me that is a huge red flag"}.

Deffinate problem there!


{"Also I know myself and many other parents that have great communication with their kids. You can tell when they are being evasive and it is your job as the parent to figure it out. Then deal with it accordingly"}

You hit that one right on target! That was exactly my point.
 copstav2
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 77
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:10:32 PM
oh so i am not interested ? excuse me?
i talked to her and still do so... people seem to be suggesting that something untoward has happened.... casting aspurgions on my ex character ... talk about scaremongering and conspiracy theories...
i believe she was jealous...and before anyone starts throwing around accusation about me not payg enough attention to my kids here are some facts
my ex was with me for less than one day a week... distance and being able to afford the fuel being the reason for that and he wanted to be here with me instead of me being at his house

when we were not together i was there for my children when the came home from school till they went to bed...
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 78
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:15:06 PM
This can be seen by many angles.
as other poster have mentioned:

1) Some parents don't even take the time to even examine what the kid is saying or why their behave in such way but take their defense and jump to the fence without even knowing if it is true, justified and/or exaggerated . Those parents have forgot that it is classic for a kid to dislike/hate new comers or new boyfriends/Girlfriend and will manipulate their parents to reject or end the new relationship in any ways possible. It really do not take much for a kid to behave like that: simply to have a new partner! And they can be VERY imaginative, convincing and manipulative too! Not the side of your kid you think you knew!

2) Some guys (and girls) will try to use any excuse to get out of a relationship. I use the term Guy/Girl as they are not adult enough to simply do the ending the right way.

3) In case where the children do not like the new comers and that the new adult well feel that there is no chances of improvement, no matter how they try to get closer to the children (The small teasing that another poster mentioned is a classic display of a bad attempt to try to get close: good intention bad method; and was not automatically a {sexual attack?} like some sick poster jumped to the conclusion right away) and know that their partner is the type of "my kids come first": so they walk away as they have no chances to even have a normal/ complete relationship with their partner, he tried for 10 months and cut his loses.

4) Yes there is some people (very very few) who will be dominated by a 10 year old (especially if the kids are brats and their parents are blind) or because that person is not quite mature and secure enough to stand their ground and have a conversation with the parent about it.


One way or the other: it is over with this guy. have a chat with your kids, try to find what really happened, make them understand that if you have a new person in your life that you will not love them less or differently and for the next one: try to put a distance between the mother and the woman at first.



EDIT:
Now I've read the entire thread and not just the beginning:

{"the few occasions my daughter was anything but nice and polite"}
{"she was NEVER left alone with him"}

DING DING DING!!!!!

The guy wanted a WOMAN too not just a mother! Be honest: on the 10 months how much time was you with the kids, you ~ him and the kids and how much time was just you and him alone?

you now have your reason why he left and also why your 10 year old didn't liked him.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 79
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:17:54 PM
"i believe she was jealous..."
I do too.
She perhaps felt she had to compete with him. She was angry about him. She compared him to her father. She blamed him because her father wasnt there. She didn't like the looks of him. A ten year old girl can have a hundred opinions as to why she doesn't want
this man around.

and the pervading feeling perhaps was jealousy. She felt excluded. That's what jealousy is.

She felt powerless to I imagine and since you only "believe" that she was jealous, tells me that this child did not have much oportunity to put a voice to a whole myriad of feelings she was having after your seperation .

Divorce affects different children differently. Since you have made this choice, it is also your responsibility to help your children through this emotionally. I am not just talking about being physically in the dwelling when they are home after school.

I personally will not introduce a man to my 12 year old daughter unless I have been dating him for 6 -9 months and we are talking about being exclusive. No way do I have a dating relationship in front of my kid. She will meet the one that is going to be with me longer term. My last bf never met her and I was with him for over a year.

EDIT: Post 84.. OP. Okay, So she was 7 when her father left and now is 10.
But this was the "first" one. The first guy she maybe have to accept and I think that
may have caused her to emotionally be affected .

My mother dies when I was 10, My father started dating when I was 11. I remember how much I hated that lady. I think I did out of loyalty to my mother. The first time seeing my father with someone else crushed me.
Maybe your daughter just needs more opportunity to talk to you. As her mother you are the one that is going to have to open the door and be available and listen.
 copstav2
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 80
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:19:31 PM
firstly i did not state i resented her i merely voiced a concern that i might big difference
secondly her father left over three yrs ago and until 10mth ago i devoted all of my time getting them through that.... no man no bfriends parading through my life....
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 81
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:25:48 PM
{"i talked to her and still do so"}

Try REALLY listening instead of talking. Just a suggestion, if your not doing that already.



{"i believe she was jealous...and before anyone starts throwing around accusation about me not payg enough attention to my kids here are some facts
my ex was with me for less than one day a week"}

A thought.....Less then one day a week to a jealous 10 year old might as well be the same as every waking moment!!
People who are newly into a relationship ARE distracted and their attention is on other things, and we are not nearly as attentive to the same situations as we would be normaly.




{'when we were not together i was there for my children when the came home from school till they went to bed"}

Not you necessarily OP, just parents in general.... this statement means nothing! You can be in the same house in the same room and children can still feel like your not "there" for them or not spending enough QUALITY time with them. Thats just a fact.
 InNCsearching
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 82
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 5:26:15 PM
i'm with bigdaddyjinx on this one. You are being over protective and probably want him to take over the role and she's acting out. You did not correct her if you really thought highly of this man. you need to wise up.
 Pixy Dust
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 83
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 6:07:25 PM
Kids are kids... they get jealous yes, but they are insecure, they are afraid of abandonment by the only parent they have around. Having a discussion about why she didn't like the ex comes to no answers unless there was something specific. Op, it would appear that none exist. You might not get the closure you want for his walking away and sometimes we just have to pick ourselves up by the boot strings and carry on...

Your daughter most likely is dealing with divorce issues. How on earth does she formulate that? If you are correcting her, bringing her up right than you are doing your job. Assuring this child that you aren't going anywhere might be what she needs to hear.

In a divorce kids need the assurance of both parents that nothing changes in the relationship with that child, so if you have a Dad who walked away (especially over another woman) how does a kid figure that one out? If he drops from sight? Another man steps in and she see's that you love him what is to stop her from worrying that you will leave to?

Not all kids react the same so it stands to reason that the others liked him.

It's not always about monster children. Good grief, it sickens me that the 10 yr old is put up to be attacked for her manners without even knowing her....
 guyd42
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 84
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 6:15:23 PM
OP, unless this man used this as a reason to dump you and I mean “you”, you’re not being honest. If he really left because of your daughter, there must have been something wrong…. You get very defensive and remind me all my single mom exes each time I told them how badly their kids treated me…..

I’ll tell you what; I lost my dad young and yes, I made my mom’s BF’s life miserable out of jealousy. Stop defending her and teach her to respect your choices and partner! If you don’t like to either hear the truth or if you simply want to hear what you wish to hear, this is the WRONG place for you. I would rather suggest a Psychologist, even though he will likely tell you the same…..
 SuzyqInMD
Joined: 1/17/2010
Msg: 85
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 6:33:38 PM
I haven't read everything so sorry, but ...This is familiar to me for the fact that I was your daughter.
I hated the man she dated when I was about 12/13yrs old. I just never liked him. He was kinda gruff and just didn't seem so nice. Did I know him? No. Did I want to ? NO.
I was jealous -even though at the time I didn't know it.
My mom was a widow, I never got her attention as I should have. she worked all the time, etc. .. And when she FINALLY started dating years after being a widow, she dated this jerk.
I wish now I didn't act like a jerk myself during that time.

In these situations-there is nothing that can change it.
 clambroth
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 86
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 6:47:36 PM
Been there - twice. He left before your daughter finally ruined it - and she would have eventually. Trust me, as she got older she would find more ways to sabotage it, more subtle and ingenious ways. Guilt trips, and all the rest. She would have killed it eventually. He saw it, knew it, realized and understood this as it was happening.
She should come first in your life anyway by all accounts. Don't fret. She doesn't care whether mom dies alone, a bitter old spinster. She really doesn't. Understand, though she has to come first in your life. If daughter # 4 hates the guy and the other 3 love him its over. Kids don't understand your motives and your feelings no matter how pure they might be. He knew it and bolted.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 87
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 7:19:25 PM

I know that's especially true of pets...like dogs and cats for sure...but people? Not so convinced. Especially a 10 year old who still believes in fairytales and look forward to Christmas because "Santa" will drop off a pile of goods. I do believe in babies/newborns being able to pick up things most adults wouldn't...I've seen the pets and newborns in action actually.


BDJ...Some people never lose this ability or gift. I'm 37 years old and I am still able to pick up on good or bad vibes. Seeing his own 3 ADULT daughters have detached all ties with him I am inclined to believe that something isn't right...this man has skeletons hidden away. In fact I strongly believe they're not 'nice' skeletons either.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 88
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 7:26:26 PM
... I keep trying to get mine to come back home but I can't even bribe them with new coffins...
 annasthasia
Joined: 5/4/2005
Msg: 89
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 7:54:51 PM

BDJ...Some people never lose this ability or gift. I'm 37 years old and I am still able to pick up on good or bad vibes. Seeing his own 3 ADULT daughters have detached all ties with him I am inclined to believe that something isn't right...this man has skeletons hidden away. In fact I strongly believe they're not 'nice' skeletons either.


My thoughts exactly... It takes a lot for daughters to detach themselves from their fathers... I believe the same for sons and mothers...

Something is off... way off...

 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 90
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 8:44:56 PM

A 10 year old senses things around her, she's obviously picking up on this man's bad vibes

Could be. I know when my son was young he could pick a creep much faster than I could. As he got older, he didn't say much, but his face told the story. I didn't rely on him for my choices, but in hindsight? I definitely should have a time or 3. JMO
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 91
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 8:56:56 PM
If the situation isn't dealt with you may give the 10 year old the impression she can control your life OP. Both you and the boyfriend are letting the tail wag the dog here.

If the boyfriend has been a positive influence in your life, the 3 of you need to sit down and have a calm heart to heart with you as the mediator. If he is not willing to do that then he is just being immature or perhaps looking for a way out.

About a week ago here a 13 year old boy shot his mother's fiance in the back of the head point blank while he was sitting at the computer one night. It was not an accident and they were going to try him as an adult.
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 92
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 8:57:20 PM
verygreen eyez...My daughter did this also, and still does!~ She is now 28 and I have had to agree with her every time .What does that say about my picks?? lol.
 ANGLICO-USMC
Joined: 1/25/2009
Msg: 93
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 9:58:54 PM
I would leave due to kids, but it all depends on the parent.

swimmer got real lucky, he got with a cool mom.

with some if you so much as point a finger (or in my case a hand) or raise your voice to them, mommy gets all "no no no, you dont raise my kids."

at this point my unlived life flashes before my eyes. lil brats throwing tantrums, throwing **** at me, crying and screaming all day long, I want to watch the news but they want to spend an 8th hour watching dora the explorer dvds, and when i finally snap and yell out to the crying brats "SHUT THE **** UP AND GO TO YOUR ROOM!" you're gonna break up with me anyway, so yeah ill leave in a heart beat.
 yew4ic
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 94
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 10:16:36 PM
I feel it is critical for the biological parent to do the disciplining of the children. When step parents or boyfriend/girlfriend try to get in there and do what is the parents job, it becomes breeding grounds for a disaster.The kids should be used to their own parents doing if from the start, so that when a new person is added into the mix, the role of disciplinarian is not dropped into their lap. If the biological parent is doing their job, then there is less chance of the kid spouting off " YOU'RE NOT MY DAD" to the boyfriend/step parent. Usually, when children use that playing card, it is because their own parents have not had a handle on them.
 hamster-dance
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 95
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 10:32:37 PM
I also have a 10 yr old girl, and I have to say that if she and my BF are not getting along, I will take my daughter's side every single time. I dated a guy for 4 years and lived with him for a year and a half. A lot of the reason I left him was because of the way he acted towards her. When she came to visit I felt like I was constantly having to defend her just for being a normal kid, and I got sick of it. I'm not about to let any man get between me and my kid. She's the most important person in my life.

My ex husband is remarried and half the time she gets in trouble it has something to do with her not getting along with her step mom. He doesn't seem to get that he's driving an even bigger wedge by punishing her. I really hate that he always seems to take his wife's side.
 hamster-dance
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 96
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 10:35:29 PM

Especially a 10 year old who still believes in fairytales and look forward to Christmas because "Santa" will drop off a pile of goods.


My 10 yr old stopped believing in Santa when she was five, and decided on her own a couple years ago that she didn't believe in Christianity. Either way, I don't know many ten yr olds who haven't figured out the Santa thing.
 clambroth
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 97
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 6:16:29 AM
Was Santa supposed to be a Christian? I thought he was a jolly non-sectarian follow who simply did his thing on a religious holiday.
 Pondering the Circle.....
Joined: 1/18/2010
Msg: 98
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 6:39:38 AM
decided on her own a couple years ago that she didn't believe in Christianity.

Yeah right...she didn't pick up any vibes from the surroundings you've created. It's ridiculous to not believe in Christianity anyway. It exists. You yourself may not believe in some of the faith but the thing itself, 'Christianity', exists.
If the person in the relationship with the children isn't willing to 'allow' and if the person in the relationship without children won't 'accept' parental responsibility...then what the F are you wasting time over this for? It would be a topic I would have brought up very early in knowing someone who I thought I might be living with.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 99
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 6:41:44 AM
classic case of territorial ownership.

To children, parents are something they depend on at many levels and at another level that they own: it's their parents, no one else and they do not share that unique possession with anyone for anything.

Then comes a new player, who seams, in their unique perspective to be taking away their possession, taking away time and opportunities out from them, "parts" of what makes their ultimate close circle word; a pebble that create ripples in their pond.

It really does not matter if the person is great: it is an intrusion, a robbery, a disturbing element that must go as they cannot absorb or solve that new "interaction" and will go by default to the simplest reaction they naturally know: rejection. (another example of default rejection reaction when dealing with a problematic: "You're not my friend anymore"...now how many times did we see that one! LOL!).

Most adults on this very site react in such ways: I do not understand, am not familiar with, I do not know: thus I distant and reject. (most will not admit it, by their actions shows that they do). it's OK: it's a basic auto protective mechanism.

The guy saw that, cut his lost as he believed for a reason or another or was under the impression that it was a dead end: far too much complications and no resolution possible.

I will be honest here: myself, when I was on the dating scene where keeping away from women with non-adult kids as there is exponential possibilities of complications and that I know myself: I will become attached to the kids as they where my own, but they are not my own, with ALL that it implies.
So why will or should I gamble? Life is complicated enough not to add some more or opening the door to possibilities of more complications: so in my close circle personal life, I play safe and avoid them.
 copstav2
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 100
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 7:45:29 AM
seems like this site should be for single men and women who have no baggage ... if it were then it would go out of business... my guess is that single women in their 40's most likely have children living with them and the ones on here that dont are few in comparison.... guys in their 40's most likely have their kids live with their mother.
its unrealistic of people to think that the majority on here are baggage free ...so maybe they should go find a site that caters for them more than this one seems to .. [(any budding business peeps out there i think i have just thought of a brill website for singles ' baggage free dating .com!)

by cutting yourself of from people who have children you are cutting down your chances of finding someone special.... and by believng that dating someone who has children will untimately lead to trouble of some sort or another is very narrow minded and judgemental.... to quote the Jackson 5 'one bad apple dont spoil the whole bunch girl'
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him