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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him      Home login  
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 citizen_joe
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 101
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like himPage 5 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Whether it was you ending it or him, still, it happened the way it was supposed to. Imagine how your 10 year old would have felt if she found herself living with an adult she didn't like.
 copstav2
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 102
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 7:58:28 AM
actually contrary to what some posters may believe i agree totally.... it was meant to be... thanks for that comment
 Nu2010
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 103
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:00:52 AM
Whah! Sounds like he found an excuse to end the relationship. If he really loved you he would found a way to deal with or try to get along with your 10 year old. Maybe your 10 year old saw something in him that she didn't like and you were too blind to see? Remember Love is Blind.

Years ago I was with a man I was madly in love with but others did not like him. I finally listened to my 16 year old son and saw his point of view and began to notice what he was seeing with the relationship and eventually ending the relationship. Come to find out my son was right.
 annasthasia
Joined: 5/4/2005
Msg: 104
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:04:53 AM
OP, I understand you pain. I do.

You still have not addressed as to WHY your ex boyfriend CANNOT see his own girls. WHY would three daughters cut all ties of communication?

I understand it is not easy being a parent. Now, before you jump on me, I have no children but I have taken care of many and believe me, my once 10 year old niece was a HOLY terror at times. It was hell because she would say all kinds of lies to her mother and her mother, instead of addressing the issue with me CHOSE to believe her daughter at all costs and this young girl would have this smirk on her face all the while looking at me.

It is odd then that she would always ask to see me after and with practically a broken heart, I would refuse because as I explained to my brother, I simply refused to play this manipulative game. This couple was seperated at the time.

This little girl is now taking drugs, going on 18 and living with a man that is a pusher.
I have no idea where she lives and/or if she is ok. I tried my best to open doors for her. But, at the time, her mother, (without going into details, had serious issues and trying really really hard to cope), could not or would not be a responsible parent to that little girl.

She had every opportunity to get herself out of that mess. My brother and our family tried but the ex-wife stuck with all kinds of issues would not allow it.

I am hoping you understand... I have no children but I have seen what bad parenting can do to a young child.

Again... I understand, I believe and without being mean, I still cannot understand why not one, not two, but three daughters would estrange their own father.

Anyway... good luck... Believe me... even if I do not have children, I have had some life experiences that have made me who I am today... Just because we do not have children, does not mean we are issue free...

Good luck OP
 Nu2010
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 105
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:06:55 AM
By the way, have you ever asked your 10 year old why they do not like your boyfriend? Weigh the odds of both and decide for yourself.
 blue450
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 106
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:08:33 AM
...I've tried dating women with a child when I was younger..too many issues/downsides. Best Scenario she was 41 with two adult children living out of state..she had done her Mother thing and was free to enjoy her own life again..
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 107
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:15:38 AM
@copstav2

just in case your reply here was directed to my last post:

You do not read properly or completely, right? I clearly said:
1) non-adult kids (how many 40 year old have kids who are not already or close to be adults?) a 'close to 18" will have better "potential" to understand the situation then a 10 year old.

2) what in the term "possibilities" make you think or believe that there is a certainty? just like if you are going to the casino and gamble all of your economies: there is a possibility that you will win the jackpot, but also (a much biggest one) that you will lose everything; which lead to number 3:

3) Gamble: will not do it, will not risk it if I could. Why? as I said: because I will get attached to those kids as they where my own, which they are NOT with ALL that it implies, especially since NOTHING is eternal, why will I have my heart broke TWICE if that relationship came to an end? Why will I expose those kids to another separation of a father figure AGAIN?( a father is NOT just the guy who got you pregnant, it is far more then that) Also, why will I ever play with fire in such close personal matters when I can simply avoid the "what-if"? Am not a masochist or a sadist!

it is narrow minded NOT to take all those variables into considerations when dating, it is more likely self centered and irresponsible just to jump in without thinking.

Will I exclude someone special by this first choice of "not dating" women with kids? maybe! but I will never know and will never be affected by it, or influence it in any ways as I will try not do it to begin with; therefore no one lose anything; But If I happen to know one, a very special one, then only will I deal with this rationally on a case by case basis, taking all into account, am not also an close minded idiot.

By choosing "not to do so", may I exclude problems and ramifications? Most probably! because, chances for chances,...ratio for ratio.... the later "choice" have far more "chances" to happen as there is, to begin with, a triple variable who can create problems and/or complications and/or ramifications, where the first "choice" only had one.

Sorry: Having a life without personal drama is a jackpot very hard to obtain and to keep and I will not lose it on a simple gamble or a 'what~if".
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 108
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:46:18 AM

my ex was with me for less than one day a week... distance and being able to afford the fuel being the reason for that and he wanted to be here with me instead of me being at his house

Having read this, I'm even more of the belief than my first post that you were introducing a man into your children's life well before you should have. Once per week for ten months equates to roughtly 40 times that you were with this man and apparently all of them, by your account, at your place and most of the time while your kids were there. This means that you introduced this man into your children's life before you, yourself, even got to know him well.

I'd suggest you pursue relationships with men who live closer which would allow you to date them away from your children for a long period before gradually introducing them to your children. People can get carried away with the "warm fuzzies" of having "one big happy family" situation with a new partner long before they should where kids are concerned. Take your time next time and get to know the man yourself well before subjecting your kids to a revolving door of male figures constantly disappearing from their lives (I understand this is the first in 3 years but to your kids this is the second man in their life in the past 3 years to disappear from their lives). They reel for years just by not having their own father with them daily.

You have to try hard to put yourself in the shoes of your children and understand what it may feel like from their perspective, understanding also that each child has a different personality. To do otherwise is being selfish and putting a need for a relationship with a man before the best interests of your children, even though it's understood that parents need relationships of their own. Keep the two separate for a much longer period of time. After all, you aren't "forced" to play with your kids' friends every time they are together and neither should they be forced to be part of your reltaionships, especially under these sort of conditions.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 109
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:07:11 AM


I know that's especially true of pets...like dogs and cats for sure...but people? Not so convinced. Especially a 10 year old who still believes in fairytales and look forward to Christmas because "Santa" will drop off a pile of goods. I do believe in babies/newborns being able to pick up things most adults wouldn't...I've seen the pets and newborns in action actually.


BDJ...Some people never lose this ability or gift. I'm 37 years old and I am still able to pick up on good or bad vibes. Seeing his own 3 ADULT daughters have detached all ties with him I am inclined to believe that something isn't right...this man has skeletons hidden away. In fact I strongly believe they're not 'nice' skeletons either.



Could be. I know when my son was young he could pick a creep much faster than I could. As he got older, he didn't say much, but his face told the story. I didn't rely on him for my choices, but in hindsight? I definitely should have a time or 3.

Couple of years ago I started seeing someone. My kids didn't dislike him but they did feel like something was off, i.e. they didn't totally like him either. I think partially because they couldn't articulate it (they were 6, 10 and 13 at the time), could point to no solid definable thing that bothered them, and because I was really happy, they didn't say anything until after we stopped seeing each other.

My kids do not dictate my personal life. They know that if they are treated well by a person and there is no reason for them to dislike someone, if their noses are out of joint, they will have to get over it. At the same time, we did learn that in the absence of a clear reason for the dislike, they should have shared the angst they couldn't seem to adequately explain. I agree, this is a "skill" most people have when they are young and I think our focus on manners and avoiding rudeness socializes it out of us.
 vanililly
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 110
left
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:22:42 AM
I'm sorry it isn't working out.
After few months, introducing him to the kids, I'm sure you are very much attached to him.
:-(

It will be ok.
And I do have to say it sounds like an excuse he is making to avoid telling you the real reason.

All the best to you and your children.
:-)
It will be ok.
 blackman4you
Joined: 8/19/2009
Msg: 111
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:53:43 AM
You and only you can talk to your daughter about her behavior . Its is perfectly normal for a child to not like Any man that you bring home. From a child's point of view you and all your time belong to them. Anyone taking up your time is not welcome in the home PERIOD. Now depending on how your child acted the man may have feared that your child might say that he did something to her. Or he may have felt that it was not worth going through all of the trouble for a relationship that he didn't think would be worth it in the end. Remember your child would always be there.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 112
left
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:54:05 AM
Someone who knows how to communicate....


{"I finally listened to my 16 year old son and saw his point of view and began to notice what he was seeing with the relationship and eventually ending the relationship"}

Because you LISTENED instead of talking! and were open minded enough to see more then one side! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!




{"Come to find out my son was right"}

You would have NEVER known that had you not listened, had he not had valid reasons and had you not been willing to hear them.
 seperate1
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 113
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 1:37:26 PM
curious if he felt it was unresolvable what other option might he have, i would assume most women won't date a man if he doesn't like their kids or vice versa; so why is it an issue if he felt there was a conflict and decided to exit.

not saying he is right; but plain and simple, the best moms will pick their kid over you and if the kid has issues w/u..then everything in the relationship gets more complicated and can actually stagnate as some parents won't go further until the issue has been resloved one way or another:-I

we can all go round and round; but the fact is your not picking him over your kid, an if the problems continued he was gonna flip out, so he decided to leave. Most likely if the issues continued or got worse then you would get rid of him, as most moms would.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 114
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 1:59:32 PM
This entire thread should be in the Single Parents forum.... as an example of why so many men will not date single moms...
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 115
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 2:04:04 PM
Well, obviously raising your kids come first. If he can't get along with your 10 year old daughter, besides what that may say about him, it's probably not a good idea for you to have him in your life.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 116
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 2:04:30 PM
I believe the OP knows deep down that all of this has been nothing but a blessing in disguise.
 MaccaFan
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 117
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 2:59:44 PM
Maybe your daughter is resenting him because you're separated, and not divorced?
Does she hold out hope you and her father will reconcile?
 ellena.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 118
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 3:21:56 PM
A man that would leave you over that doesn't love you. Find someone willimg to put in the effort it takes to ride out the storms. That's a keeper!
 yankeebelle
Joined: 7/11/2006
Msg: 119
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 3:35:17 PM
I would say GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT,,, These things dont just happen all of a sudden, without there being a root issue here. You cant hold a child responsible for the actions of an adult...A child is only going to do what he/she is allowed to do and get away with,,,,,but on the other hand,,,,,If your guy was trying to end the relationship with you,,,what better excuse could a man use.
 edencapwell
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 120
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 4:27:22 PM
You still have not addressed as to WHY your ex boyfriend CANNOT see his own girls. WHY would three daughters cut all ties of communication?


maybe he was having incest with them, it does happen.
 jimmy_page_1966yah
Joined: 2/2/2010
Msg: 121
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 4:38:33 PM
sorry to hear that..but yeah its just an excuse to leave.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 122
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my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 4:41:27 PM

maybe he was having incest with them, it does happen.


While it does happen, that's a bit of a leap for this thread, don't you think?

Who knows, perhaps the man's ex-wife just bad-mouthed him enough after they split, perhaps the girls were at a younger age and never grew up knowing any different about their father, apart from what their mother told them after they divorced? That does happen too.

On that end, though, I find it odd that if the OP was so sure of this man and so in love with him, why did she never ask him WHY his daughters broke off all contact with him? Doesn't sound like much communication is going on at all, in her world. JMO.
 ohthereugo
Joined: 2/12/2008
Msg: 123
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 5:24:51 PM
You said it the first sentence you have been together 10 months and fell in love he isnt in love with you .
 whzcheatinwho
Joined: 4/8/2006
Msg: 124
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 5:38:57 PM
Really, it's a no-win proposition for him. If he says anything he's jerk, if he leaves he's a jerk. Obviously you aren't going to pick him over your kid and he had the grace and decency not to force the issue. After 40 days he could see where it was going, why invest anymore time in what is shaping up to be a miserable life?

Sonoran swimmer, not every parent is willing to let you co-parent their kid or even stand up to their kid. If you find one that is the relationship might stand a chance, if not it won't take the kid long to sabotage the relationship, they already know their parents weaknesses and will use them to their advantage.
 hamster-dance
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 125
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/7/2010 1:43:52 AM

Yeah right...she didn't pick up any vibes from the surroundings you've created.


She doesn't live with me.


It's ridiculous to not believe in Christianity anyway. It exists. You yourself may not believe in some of the faith but the thing itself, 'Christianity', exists.


Semantics. You know full well what I meant. She was raised (not by me) going to a Christian church. I've never talked to her about religion one way on another.
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