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 Juste moi Danielle
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 26
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True WifePage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

A lot of married guys send me messages.


Set your mail settings to only accept messages from those who have pictures on their profiles - it works better than any other filter, including the "must not be married" one:)

 love is a learning curve
Joined: 10/13/2009
Msg: 27
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/10/2010 7:40:02 PM
Wow, I really do not know what to say to you all. I was not trying to play the oh woe is me card. I was trying to show other new daters out there what to watch for. As far as the Drivers' License goes, that is what someone suggested to me. It was just a guideline to show people that they are allowed to ask questions about the person they are going to date. I would not have done that before. I took people at face value. Now I am a more discerning and that's okay. I'm allowed to be, we all are.

I do thank you all for your input and advice.
 HuluAddicted
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 28
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/10/2010 7:43:37 PM

As far as the Drivers' License goes, that is what someone suggested to me.


Okay, fine. Someone suggested you ask for it. It still won't tell you anything about the person except that he may or may not be a Organ Donor.

Yes, you are allowed to ask questions. Yes, you are allowed to be cautious. You spent many months with this guy but never went to his place?
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 29
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/10/2010 7:49:33 PM

As far as the Drivers' License goes, that is what someone suggested to me. It was just a guideline to show people that they are allowed to ask questions about the person they are going to date.


But what you should take from the responses here is that many people (such as myself) would not be receptive to that in the early stages of dating and a person's refusal to show their license doesn't necessarily mean they have something to hide. As a woman, are you cool with showing your address (and gasp! your weight) to a guy you don't know? Frankly, I don't even like it when bouncers ask for my ID.

The fact is, for many of the complaints that people bring to these forums, there were warning signs early on. Rather than be suspicious of every person, pay attention to the signs and then perhaps some digging is in order but dig too fast and you could be digging your own grave.
 TJ Collins
Joined: 1/25/2010
Msg: 30
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/10/2010 7:56:53 PM
I already knew he was married before you went out, by his tone with you. How did you not know it?
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 31
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/10/2010 8:28:03 PM
~OP~ Three things: your first online situation; a lifestyle you knew NOTHING about; and a man that you believed NO matter what the signs showed. Yes, he took advantage, but only YOU can control that which goes on in your own private life. JMO
 oldkid
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 32
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/10/2010 9:04:53 PM
OP, you will meet more married men posing as single in your future. Believe me when I say there are very few "Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wives". Most know there is something wrong in their relationship and are just not willing or capable of dealing with it. Some are even comfortable or happy with the situation where someone else is "taking care of" hubby.

I believe part of this problem is the unintended consquences of a code among women to not get involved with another woman's man. I certainly can understand and respect that attitude if you are looking for a LTR or possible future marriage. It is not right to step into such a situation where you are either destroying someone's marriage for your gain or getting hurt because you got dumped. The problem comes when we are talking about casual dating / relationships that would include a sexual element. If women convey to married men that they would share a casual sexual relationship with a single man but not a married one, the obvious action will be for them to hide the fact they are married in the future. That is part of how innocent women get misled. If only we could all be honest, life would be so much better for all.......
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 33
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/10/2010 9:34:37 PM
If I don't know a man well enough to know if he's married/attached, who he is in his life, what he does in his life, his friends/family...if I don't know who this man is, I sure as hell am not going to be having sex with him or pretending I love him. Come on, dating is for finding out if you are compatible, when you aren't, oh well, move on. I'm not a victim, I'm an active member when dating someone. It's my job to know who I am dealing with.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 34
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/10/2010 10:17:36 PM
Eight months and never going to his house? In all that time you never meet any of his friends? How is that possible?

Learn from this.
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 35
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/10/2010 11:30:41 PM
^^He probably told her some crap about how being a good submissive means you're not allowed to question anything he says or does.
OP, you were conned, big time. He groomed you. I think he picked his mark really well - newly widowed, vulnerable, unsuspecting, innocent.
I don't think there are THAT many married men trying to trick unsuspecting women into having sex with them. But married men or women wave plenty of red flags and most people who have been dating online for a while can see them a mile away.
Just like everything else, it's buyer beware in the dating world.
 HuluAddicted
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 36
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/10/2010 11:37:11 PM

Eight months and never going to his house? In all that time you never meet any of his friends? How is that possible?


Cuz she didn't get to see his driver license.
 BlueTaurus
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 37
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 12:03:54 AM
wow!

I met a guy off from here back in the summer. Things were going great and one day I asked if he could show me a copy of his Divorce papers, as I was gonna show him mine. He made the excuse that his lawyer was on 'vacation' that week. I gave him benefit of the doubt.
LONG story short, he WAS still in fact married. I put him on the go and haven't heard from him since.

You can do soooo much better. Good luck on your adventure on here!
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 38
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 10:42:14 AM
OP, why haven't you informed his wife of what a scumbag her husband is?

I was scammed by a married predator. I found out his wife's contact information and told her everything - I provided her emails, pictures, times, dates and anything else she asked for. I hope she nailed his balls to the living room floor when she was done with him.

As you'd mentioned, his wife's sexual health is at risk but also, more innocent single women like yourself will be taken advantage of by this con artist if he's allowed to just continue with this garbage. Your silence only allows this jerkoff to go right on scamming his next victim. Surely in 8 months you were at least able to ascertain his last name or where he works so you could do a little leg-work and find his wife's name and contact her?
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 39
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 1:27:17 PM

I was scammed by a married predator. I found out his wife's contact information and told her everything


So you went from an unsuspecting victim to a homewrecker-- yes, he may have been the cheater but you were the homewrecker. It's one thing if the woman is a friend of yours and you're certain this is information she wants to know. But guess what? A lot of people might prefer to be left in the dark. For all you know, maybe the wife hated sex so he got it elsewhere but was otherwise a great husband and father and now that relationship was destroyed by you. I don't condone cheating but I also think that you don't interfere with something as delicate as a marriage when you know nothing about it. Just worry about yourself and pay attention to the hints that a guy's married, which will pop up rather quickly.
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 40
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 1:40:30 PM
I only have one phone, a cel. I'm available 24/7, unless I'm on a date. Then it's off, out of courtsy for the other person. I wouldn't have a date over to my house right off the bat, but after a few dates, sure. I'm not going to give you a copy of my DL, but my divorce certificate is framed, above the mantle. LoL they should issue a divorce card, like a DL, something official a guy or girl could carry.


 throwit2me
Joined: 6/23/2009
Msg: 41
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 2:05:04 PM

LoL they should issue a divorce card, like a DL, something official a guy or girl could carry.

Make a shrunken down copy of the divorce decree and keep it in your wallet.
 Shell225
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 42
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 2:22:18 PM
OP... you live and learn.

Im of the opinion that we are all just as likely to meet a married person male/female, searching for a shag at the pub as we are on here.

Like others have said, I've too been burnt by the 'separated' man who was infact still married. For me now, the major red flag is when he wont invite me to his house, even just to pick him up or meet him for a night out. Another red flag, is when he wont tell you where he works. I also have the rule now, NO pics, NO reply.

I dont think the D/Licence advise was sound, and would give that a miss.

In the end you were trusting.... dont beat yourself up over that. Next time you'll be a little bit more warey thats all.
 green.apple
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 43
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 2:35:14 PM
And you expected to find a Prince Charming in a Dom? "Dom" is just a nice word for a disturbed psychopath.

Sorry this happened to you. You were obviously a total online dating virgin. Live and learn.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 44
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 2:55:43 PM
Lets face it: Many, many of us come to online dating after being in long (and I do mean long not a year or two) term relationships. We join when we believe that we've grieved the end of the partnership and are ready to move on. We're excited at the prospect of meeting a kindred spirit and, we weed through countless profiles and emails that aren't doing it for us... Until the day we meet one who catches our interest and excites us like no others have. We meet in good faith, and with hope that the actual meet will be as enjoyable as the pre-meet interaction has been.

.. And so when the chemistry, attaction and connection is there we are naive and believe what we've been disingenuously been led to believe.
We believe too quickly and with full trust.. until the shock of his actions won't allow us to be in denial any longer and then, and only then do we learn the lessons for smart online dating in our next interactions. We then know how to read the signs that, in retrospect were always there yet, in our hopes and desire and enjoyment of that person.. we blindly (perhaps subconsciously) chose to ignore.

No drivers licence, divorce decree (he could be married and divorced and remarried and show you the old decree) no tangible anything is a sure thing to prove his singledom. The only things that tell you are their actions.. they are the "tell" and they tell it like it is..

POF should have a link to a "Suggested Reading For Safe Online Dating" that gives the actions of a married and other disingenuous men/women.. those "tells" that so many choose to ignore while in their bliss.

OP: You're educated now.. it won't happen to you again.. You know the "tells" remember them. Your naive innocence is history.. Forgive (most importantly)yourself for ignoring your intuition and then forgive him for his being not confident enough in his own abilities to get what he wants by being truthful.. and you'll carry on without jadedness or bitterness and, with your best interests safely and confidently in tow..

Happiness and best wishes in your future

On edit to address post above:

"Dom" is just a nice word for a disturbed psychopath.
I suspect that the puritans of yore said the same thing about masturbation..
 green.apple
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 45
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 3:18:37 PM
""Dom" is just a nice word for a disturbed psychopath.
I suspect that the puritans of yore said the same thing about masturbation.. "

Totally ungrounded comparison.

Masturbation is just yourself in the picture, while demonstrating power over another person can be millions things, not just a kid game. You don't need any special qualification or experience to get that. Just common sense.

And psychopaths of all kinds use this "strategy" to seduce their victims. It's perfectly illustrated in the OP's example.

I will tell you a nicely weaved romantic story of how divine Sub/Dom relationships are, while all I am doing is using you as an outlet for my frustration.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 46
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 3:47:55 PM

Totally ungrounded comparison.
it wasn't the "act" I was comparing.. I was comparing the thought process of people who judge about things that go on between concenting adults. At one time.. the puritans would put people who masturbated into insane asylums.


And psychopaths of all kinds use this "strategy" to seduce their victims. It's perfectly illustrated in the OP's example.
I beg to differ. Her illustration is no different than any other person (whether dom or sub or vanilla) who has fallen for lies from disingenuous peoples.


I will tell you a nicely weaved romantic story of how divine Sub/Dom relationships are, while all I am doing is using you as an outlet for my frustration
I repeat.. doesn't matter what a person's sexual proclivities may be.. all, if inclined to do so can lie. His/Op's sexual acts are irrelavent to what happened it could have been strictly missionary and the end result would/could have been exactly the same.
 green.apple
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 47
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 3:59:13 PM
I repeat.. doesn't matter what a person's sexual proclivities may be.. all, if inclined to do so can lie. His/Op's sexual acts are irrelavent to what happened it could have been strictly missionary and the end result would/could have been exactly the same.


Not at all. He was preparing her for the Dom/Sub role psychologically. That's why ( in this specific case) she didn't question anything he did or said ( until it was too late of course).

The problem is she was inexperienced and she fell for the typical Dom story how it's something divine and how such SM experience will enlighten her as a person. While all he ever wanted was a frustration release and to exhibit some sort of power over another person.

People who look for "just sex" do not have that element of wanting to degrade or exhibit power over another person. They might just want sex instinctively and then "use" another person for sex. First of all, SM lovers are not into sex as much as they are into SM roles and games ( either psychological or physical). They want control because they don't have it anywhere else in their life; they feel thrilled they can get in a SM setting ( never mind it's a fake setting)
 whenwillthiswork26
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 48
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 4:04:03 PM
Didn't you see where he lived in eight months?

I do that real quick, wow, to be involved with a married guy and
not know it would not be possible for me, I'm way to inquisitive.

You go to his house right away and look around and keep your ears
and eyes open.

Come on lady you can't be serious, and any guy who gets into
dom/sub right off the bat is obviously not going to be high caliber,
and probably up to something anyway.

I am sure I have met three married guys out of the six I have met from
this site but that's ok because I meet them in an expensive restaurant
and eat and drink and enjoy myself.


Alooo she was not a homewrecker as you put it. She was the victim and did
the wife a huge favor. She was tricked and lied to and has no reason to
keep what happened a secret from his wife. More women should do what
she did.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 49
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 4:09:45 PM

Not at all. He was preparing her for the Dom/Sub role psychologically. That's why ( in this specific case) she didn't question anything he did or said ( until it was too late of course).
Perhaps you were more invested in the fact that her "relationship" was dom/sub.. I actually picked up that she was devastated because he lied to her, and she fell for his lies and, she ignored the red flags and she's worried about his innocent wife..

The problem is she was inexperienced and she fell for the typical Dom story how it's something divine and how such SM experience will enlighten her as a person. While all he ever wanted was a frustration release and to exhibit some sort of power over another person.
That's Your take on it. As you can see by several of the posts that, the dom/sub aspect wasn't the main focus of most peoples posts. Her being deceived was..

People who look for "just sex" do not have that element of wanting to degrade or exhibit power over another person.
Some do.. some don't no matter what their "sexual preference may be..
They might just want sex instinctively and then "use" another person for sex. First of all, SM lovers are not into sex as much as they are into SM roles and games ( either psychological or physical). They want control.
Most liars want control (no matter what kind of sex they like) that's why they lie to control the outcome and the means to an end.

IMO.. the dom aspect of Op's story is secondary.. there are hundred's of threads from people who have been involutarily involved with a married man and certainly you can agree that they all didn't happen because the guy/or girl was a dom!

Peace out!
 green.apple
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 50
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 4:37:17 PM
It's not secondary, as it should have been a huge red flag right from the start. Such practices, if it's about "exploring one's sexuality and broadening sexual horizons" can perhaps be introduced when you are well settled in a relationship and know a person very well ( NOT knowing them just through phone calls).. my idea was that they often use this lying "strategy" , related to kink or SM to create some form of "fake trust"..

So, of course it's related. Much more related than the driver's license copy she is talking about. Talking about SM with practically a stranger, and encouraging her to try it out, should have told her much more about him than any personal doc. copy could ever do.
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