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 blue450
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 51
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True WifePage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
...I don't think it's a good idea to give out your personal info like a Driver's License...Had my identity stolen not too long ago...Plus if y0u are that paranoid you are not what I'm looking for...
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 52
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 5:06:57 PM
green.apple - I'm sorry that you apparently were scammed at some point by someone who called himself a Dom, but your bitter anti-SM rants are displaying your ignorance. If you don't want to participate in such endeavors, then don't. The OP's problem has nothing to do with whether or not this was a Dom/sub relationship, and everything to do with being misled.
 MissElaineESJones
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 53
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 7:33:25 PM
Let me include another angle to the deception that occurs in online dating.

I was in a relationship for a long time with a man who lived a fantasy life. His story was woven so intricately and he had it down perfectly, never deviating or tripping himself up. He was married but claimed he had been divorced about 10 years ago. I never met his family. I never went to his home. There were red flags everywhere, but the reason these could be so covered up is that he claimed to have cancer. He said he was very private in his health issues, so I never saw him go to a doctor or visited him in the hospital. If I asked him about his treatment, he said it was none of my business. I was not to be worried about that. He would disappear at times. Break our dates. Could never be reached on his cell. But his perfect cover was that he was so sick that he could hardly lift his head off the pillow. Of course, what hardhearted person would bother someone that was undergoing chemotherapy?

I cannot imagine the level of deceit that went on in this "relationship." It boggles the mind. He told me that he had lost his home due to medical bills and lived here and there with family. He said he lost his business due to not being able to work at it with cancer. He would often tell me he only had a few dollars left after paying all his medical bills and one day, he desperately needed some money for a court case coming up to get his business back. I loaned him the money.

What was unknown to me was the fact that while he was too sick to lift his head off the pillow, he was not only married but courting other women. The timeline fits perfectly. I have no idea how many other women this man was scamming at the same time, and what is scary is that I suspect he is still on POF. He always claimed he had never been on POF, but he'd been on here all the while lying through his teeth.

My involvement with this man was total stupidity and naivete on my part at that time. I completely accept responsibility for the mistakes I made there. Yet I could never imagine in a million years that someone would go to such lengths to deceive. But I put this story here to interject that we really cannot depend entirely on our own wits to keep us safe from these predators. They have powers of seduction and the ability to lie that are a tremendous force to reckon with all by ourselves.

A few tips that will be helpful. The website called pipl dot com is your friend. If you have a name and a city, you might be able to bring up some useful information for free. Check your state's sexual predator listing online. If he won't give you any personal details, take down his car or motorcycle license plate number. Use those background checks online. They don't cost too much and it might be the best money you have ever spent.

As stated in previous posts, never ever ignore those red flags. And never ever allow anyone to separate you from your friends. They can spot things that a person in love might ignore. The man in my story trashed every friend that he knew would be able to tell me what he was doing on POF so if they told me anything, I would think they were trying to break us up. The psychopath wants to get you all to himself alone to do his work on you. Never be so arrogant to think that you cannot be deceived. Always be proactive! Never ever provide money or give any other goods to someone who cannot be verified!

There is so much to this story that cannot all be explained, but Google "Exposing Online Predators and Psychopaths" and read up on their very informative articles.

I painfully gained some very hard won street knowledge in this fiasco. I hope these tips will help you avoid learning in the same way I did.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 54
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/11/2010 8:31:43 PM
So you went from an unsuspecting victim to a homewrecker-- yes, he may have been the cheater but you were the homewrecker. It's one thing if the woman is a friend of yours and you're certain this is information she wants to know. But guess what? A lot of people might prefer to be left in the dark. For all you know, maybe the wife hated sex so he got it elsewhere but was otherwise a great husband and father and now that relationship was destroyed by you. I don't condone cheating but I also think that you don't interfere with something as delicate as a marriage when you know nothing about it. Just worry about yourself and pay attention to the hints that a guy's married, which will pop up rather quickly.


LOL........you got to be kidding me! That jerk became the homewrecker when he decided to go outside the marriage..........permission or not. He was not upfront about being married, not upfront about the kind of relationship if any that he was seeking!

He purposely sought out a newly widowed women....vulnerable prey to say the least.
He DESERVES NO CONSIDERATION AT ALL as far as I am concerned. I would have done it in a heartbeat!!
Delicate as a marriage????.....that is not a marriage.........that is a fiasco the way he is treating both women....and the wife has every right to know!
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 55
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 12:28:30 AM

That jerk became the homewrecker when he decided to go outside the marriage.

A marriage isn't necessarily wrecked due to cheating-- the spouse finding out about the cheating is what usually wrecks the marriage. I'll reiterate that I don't condone cheating and have never cheated myself but I know that people make mistakes and many learn from their mistakes so they don't repeat them. It's easier to repair something when only half of it is broken than when the whole is broken.


He DESERVES NO CONSIDERATION AT ALL as far as I am concerned.

I'll agree with that. But what about the wife? Does she deserve any consideration? Do the kids deserve any consideration? You do realize that they will get hurt as much, if not more, than the man if they find out, right? Sometimes ignorance IS bliss and without knowing the woman or the circumstances of their relationship, I know I wouldn't want to be the one to deliver news that rips a family apart.
 green.apple
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 56
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 1:04:59 AM
green.apple - I'm sorry that you apparently were scammed at some point by someone who called himself a Dom, but your bitter anti-SM rants are displaying your ignorance. If you don't want to participate in such endeavors, then don't. The OP's problem has nothing to do with whether or not this was a Dom/sub relationship, and everything to do with being misled.


Yes, I know. You SM people typically call everyone who does not engage in such activities "ignorant". Nothing new.

Being mislead? And techniques and methods by which that was achieved, or by which it's easiest to mislead someone, are not relevant?

Keep dreaming.


I'll agree with that. But what about the wife? Does she deserve any consideration? Do the kids deserve any consideration? You do realize that they will get hurt as much, if not more, than the man if they find out, right? Sometimes ignorance IS bliss and without knowing the woman or the circumstances of their relationship, I know I wouldn't want to be the one to deliver news that rips a family apart.


Yes, absolutely, I agree. That single person that had been lied, cheated, degraded and humiliated is not important, she must think about the family that suffered consequences of the affair. And I agree with you: the sole purpose of single people is to serve the married people and their well-being. The fact she was equally "damaged" while she did nothing wrong does not matter, because she is single without kids. Her status in the Universe is thus much much smaller. Given that she had no idea his wife and kids existed, she is NOT responsible for HIS wife and HIS kids. It was his job to protect them.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 57
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 6:50:06 AM

I'll agree with that. But what about the wife? Does she deserve any consideration? Do the kids deserve any consideration? You do realize that they will get hurt as much, if not more, than the man if they find out, right? Sometimes ignorance IS bliss and without knowing the woman or the circumstances of their relationship, I know I wouldn't want to be the one to deliver news that rips a family apart


I would in a heartbeat.............as stated before ........be the first to deliver that. I might not have several years ago......but the wife is subject to all kind of diseases, std's that for many a condom do not protect........if he is even bothering to use one. Chances are many of her so called friends are probably aware of his infidelity and don't say anything.
Getting drunk possibly one night ( even I don't consider that a mistake) .but a one time thing is not the same as this. This went on and on. He prepared her for the dom thing
( which I also think is out there.........and WE are ALL entitled to our opinions)......
But at any rate .
I think that for anyone to feel ignorance is bliss when it comes to putting up with this in their marriage is just plain IGNORANT themselves.
Again, he decided the importance of his wife and children when he stepped out of the marriage vows.

I always told my first husband that if I found out, ten years after an affair took place............that it had happened.......his shyte would be in the street, on fire, faster than it could make your head swim. It never had happened, but it was just a discussion we had one night after a friend finding out her husband had cheated.

CHEATING, LYING, is not a great example for any child. Affairs always, always come to light. This is his baby to deal with......and the wife has every right to know. You or no one else , including me have to the right to make that assumption that she may not want to know.

I personally would not want the snake around my children.
 CookieLady66
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 58
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 7:26:21 AM

Please remember that this was just my experience, it can and does work both ways. It could be the woman that is married.


From the woman who's not married's point of view:

Ask for a copy of his Drivers’ License (he should give it to you, if he has nothing to hide)

I will not give a copy of my drivers license to anyone...Hello? Identity theft!

Ask for his home and cell phone number (if he is married, he will probably tell you he does not have a home number, he does all his business from the cell so why pay for two phones)

I only have a cell phone, so I have no "home" number to give out.

If at all possible pick him up at his house, instead of him coming to yours (even if she is out for a while, he cannot hide all evidence of her existence)

I don't invite people I've only just met to my home, OR give my address until I know them better.

If he only wants to talk to you during specific hours of the day, he is probably married
If he can never spend the night, he might be married

I refuse to talk on the phone while at work (specific hours of the day) or after 9pm at night (I go to bed fairly early & get up really early.) And I really dislike sleeping over at other people's houses...sex partner or not.

If he can only find a few hours for you every few weeks, he might be married

I'm a very hermit-y person...a few hours every few weeks is about all the interaction I can stand!

So you see...there are often very good reasons for things...not everything is a red flag.

JMHO
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 59
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 9:56:02 AM
Actually this isn't gender bias, there are married people of both genders looking for abit of fun on the side.

You state you, gave him your heart and soul? Why would you give anyone your soul and heart after 4 m onths. Sorry I also have been a widow granted many many years ago. To me this whole thing went to fast and there were so many indicators that is wasn't what it should be.

1. If it feels or seems to be too good to be true, then most likely it is.
2. No way to contact him? That would have been a dead give away for me.
3. After several months not meeting any friends would have been another.
4.Giving someone your drivers license to my knowledge isn't going to let you know if he is married or not. Also I wouldn't do it. I would laugh at someone that asked. Do I have anything to hide, yeah my privacy.


OP the other glaring thing that strikes me in this situation you met on a vanilla sex site if I am correct he did exactly what you and he were looking for he was the dom/ you were the sub. I dont' know and yet maybe this is where you had your blinders on.

I think the biggest thing I advocate out here is go slow... take the time to find out about the person you are interested in. Buy beware well dater beware.

Good luck I hope you come out a bit wiser, be safe have fun.
 Gentlestrangers122
Joined: 12/29/2009
Msg: 60
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 10:27:27 AM
There are always two sides to this coin, but because we can never really know if she's the poor innocent wife, truely, it just
Easier and more politically correct to assume so. But in reality, he could like myself, be giving that woman the world, making her happy
Every day, but she doesn't give back, or what he wants to get back. And in their relationship, she may or may not have said she was open to such dom/sub
Games. Then after a little adventuring 2 children, a $500,000 dollar home decides to pull the plug on the idea. Where does that leave him. I don't agree with him being
A coward and pretending to be divorced, he took the easy way out there, and has all the negative karma he deserves coming no doubt there.

Perhaps once he had this conversation with her, and she shot him down and made him feel ashamed for even thinking it. I've expierenced this.
You ask for something you haven't expierenced but she did in college, and now because I'm a Dad and husband, I'm suppose to act my age or something.
I feel, if it makes you feel good, and no one gets hurt. Do it and make it count! You live only once. You are young only once.

There are always 2 sides to every situation. And granted usually guys are doing it because they insecure and in need
Of constant validation, or also the co-dependency issue cases. But there's some out there just looking for expierences, and once they've got them
They are gone. I can be accused of being selfish, but not trying, and openly communicating my needs and fantasies, to the woman I married, and before I got married.
Things changed after that! I'm open to your comments. And will defend my " personal position" I won't defend any others cheating habits.
 **~renegadeoutlaw~**
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 61
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 10:44:10 AM
Another shining example of people masquerading as single when in fact they are indeed, married. - and why I am so very very careful out here.........

What an ass. Forget him and move on.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 62
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 10:47:28 AM
love is a learning curve(OP),
i think your best and most intelligent advice is from green apples posts. re-read them. he got you on the dom/sub thing. any and all sexual agreements like this are deviant and you can expect to get screwed in more ways than one. look for love not games.

one more thing: you have a trusting nature and you need to keep that in mind, don't forget it. people lie alot in this world and in the dating arena it can get brutal. the wolves comes in dressed real sharp. be on guard and make people prove themselves to you before you allow yourself to give in to your emotions and attractions. don't hesitate to tell a guy that you are particularly trusting and so it takes a while for you to open up. a decent good man will appreciate and respect you for it. but don't ask for a drivers license or divorce papers, thats rude. go to his house, sit on his bed, look in his medicine cabinet when you use the bathroom. look for signs.
 rockieroller
Joined: 11/27/2009
Msg: 63
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 10:55:23 AM
That is the danger of the bad man waiting until the lady becomes familiar with him. WHile the good men would say no way, I am not playing this game. The bad guy tricks you and takes advantage. Live and learn it is all we can do is live our life and not succumb to it. Sounds like his whole goal was to make you a submissive and when he finished his task he moved on.
 Spoken For
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 64
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 11:02:39 AM

And where is he in this? Looking for his next unsuspecting victim.

Not if he's telling the truth about his marital status and what he's looking for. The person who responds to his ad now knows exactly what she's getting. There's nothing you can do about it, just chalk it up to a learning experience and be more careful in the future.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 65
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 11:35:02 AM
ichi-bon,
excellent posts...i admire your way of cutting thru the BS.
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 66
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 12:31:32 PM

Sounds like his whole goal was to make you a submissive and when he finished his task he moved on

Nah, his whole goal was to get himself some "kinky" sex; the dom thing was his modus operandi. And it worked as far as stopping her from asking obvious questions.
And as far as telling the wife - sounds more like getting revenge than anything else.
He called himself a dom so he could tie her up or whatever and stop her questioning him.
She (not that the OP did) told the wife under the guise of "doing the right thing", but her modus operandi was pay-back on him. His marriage breaks up? Oh goodie. He deserves it. Wife is being used here - her feelings are of no account.
He is no dom and she is no saint.
Not talking about the OP - she didn't search out details to payback. Seems like she took it on the shoulder and realised she learnt a lesson.
OP: You know what I would do, if I were you? Hopefully, you enjoyed the sex. Sounds like you did, otherwise you wouldn't have played along. So - think of it like that. It was great sex. Put the guilt and hurt out of your head and take whatever good there was from the situation, as well as knowing that no one has the right to stop you from asking questions. And if you don't get the answers you like, run away...Good luck, OP.
 historian1441
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 67
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 1:00:54 PM
typical. it*s always the man. according to marilyn vos savant( the world*s smartest women), approximately 15% of all births in committed relations aren*t sired by the man in that relation. i would sure like to meet all these saintly women as there are tens pf millions of them according to these posts. yet the number that i have actually met are a few percent of the women that i have dealt with. oh i forgot, its a womans right to use men for their money, lie on medical records to deny treatment for men, hit men whenever they feel like without fear of reprisal.....
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 68
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 1:32:22 PM
^^Yes, you're right! How refreshing it is to see a man understanding women's rights so well...
This particular thread was started by a woman, so of course it is about her point of view.
Perhaps you'd like to enlighten us as to how the guy was feeling/thinking? I'd be interested in knowing why you think we're being harsh here.
 love is a learning curve
Joined: 10/13/2009
Msg: 69
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 1:41:07 PM
Thank you all for reading and responding. I have read all of your responses and I do think that I have touched a nerve in a few of you. I will not get into an argument with any of you and I do not feel the need to defend myself. I did not write this to gain sympathy. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Yes I fell in love, yes I was trusting, yes I was a fool and yes I was gullible. These are not bad things. If my writing this can help open the eyes of another either male or female to see the signs, then I have done what I intended to do, by writing this.
It was not a kinky website that I met him on, it was here on PoF. Since my posting this, he has changed his profile 3 times, including the handle he goes by. His profile at the moment says divorced and is back to dating. But the 'about me' section always remains the same.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 70
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 4:51:54 PM
It was not a kinky website that I met him on, it was here on PoF. Since my posting this, he has changed his profile 3 times, including the handle he goes by. His profile at the moment says divorced and is back to dating. But the 'about me' section always remains the same.

OP not to rub salt into a wound here I do have to ask. Was this also a way to call some one out via the forums. I mean this thread is only 48 hours old and you have admitted to checking his profile no less than 3x. That just strikes me as someone that may not be over things yet.

You state you were in a relationship for 8 months you joined this site in 10/09 well that was 4.5 months ago. When you two started dating did you come back to the site and well saw he was active again and decided to post this,.

In no way be me asking these questions do I advocate cheating. I have a firm policy if I can't do it in front of an s/o I have no business doing it.

Just the time line kind of has me stumped is all. From the way you were talking about the Dom/Sub relationship that lead me to believe it was on a vanilla sex site. Sorry for my mistake.

either way I hope you move and date again.
 green.apple
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 71
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 5:00:10 PM
Actually, the OP has given two completely different statements about where they met:

1st statement/original posting:

We met on a Vanilla dating web site. He took his time and explained some of the intricacies of the Dom/sub relationship. It seemed exciting, scary, sensual, intimate all of the things that had been missing from my life.


The last ( changed statement):

It was not a kinky website that I met him on, it was here on PoF. Since my posting this, he has changed his profile 3 times, including the handle he goes by. His profile at the moment says divorced and is back to dating. But the 'about me' section always remains the same.
 love is a learning curve
Joined: 10/13/2009
Msg: 72
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 5:43:58 PM
Hi SassySky, no, he does not know that I posted this, so it is not to get his attention. And yes I have checked his profile that many times, what can I say, I'm still really peeved with him. When we met and he asked me for monogamy I erased my profile from PoF. When I started catching him lying, I put up a new profile. No I did not say that we met on a vanilla sex site.
 love is a learning curve
Joined: 10/13/2009
Msg: 73
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 5:48:46 PM
Hello GreenApple, Actually they are not two different statements, I just did not say that it was PoF that we met on. I just said it was a Vanilla dating web site. Is that not what PoF is? On someones reply, they said something about me meeting him on a vanilla sex site and I wanted to make it clear where we had met. I was looking for a long term relationship and that is what he told me he was ultimately looking for.
 brown_eyed_woman
Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 74
Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/12/2010 6:20:47 PM
Im torn on whether or not to tell the spouse when you know a married has cheated. I always feel for the spouse, today we have aids.

If I found out after becoming intimate with a man that he was still married because he purposely misled me, I think I would approach the wife. To my way of thinking, he made the choice to risk his marriage by looking for sex outside his marriage, and I feel the wife should know enough to at least protect herself from stds. My telling her is not what may end the marriage, his cheating is the end of thier marriage.

I dont care if the wife is a cold fish at home...hubby should be addressing that issue with the wife, or choose to leave the marriage...not go out and trick unsuspecting women so he can screw them and still keep his little family.

Bad things seem to happen when good people do nothing.

Even though Id be devastated to hear from a woman that MY hubby did this, I would feel far worse if I found out years later, or by being diagnosed with an std knowing I had not cheated. (thats how my sister in law found out about her hubby's fling...the day she found out she was pregnant, she also found out she had an std, and hubby was her first and only) The truth usually comes out eventually, so I sort of feel like we should just get to it and get it over with.

For all the ones saying 'dont be the one who breaks up the family'...well he takes the risk, with his family by choosing to do this. His family is just not important enough for him to think with his brain. He is choosing the tingles between his legs over his family. One day he may not get so lucky, and actually meet a crazy stalker who tries to hurt his family. I dont believe in protecting people from the truth, that actually can hurt them more in the long run.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 75
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Online relationships and the Unsuspecting and Innocent True Wife
Posted: 2/14/2010 9:26:15 PM
Disclaimer - bugsbro is not my brother.

bugsbro, they already established that the wife may or may not be innocent so you can get off your high horse. Most people don't condone cheating by either party, nor anyone using another person for money. A woman that hits a man should face the same consequences. I have no idea where the rant about lying on medical records came from - maybe you should start your own thread instead of trying to hijack this one.

OP, I was cheated on when married. Turns out others knew, but didn't want to hurt me. I'd have preferred knowing. The problem with telling is that not everyone (male or female) that has been cheated on wants to know. Some will defend their spouse and accuse you of just trying to break up their marriage. If you tell don't expect to be thanked.
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