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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 49
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Why is direct communication so uncomfortablePage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

I think people that seek or demand for answers about this subject have issues such as not getting what they want in whatever their situation. A person in the right mind would just accept it failed and move on. Drama.

Exactly - closure is something we were told we needed by Cosmopolitan magazine, or Lifetime television, or some silly chick flick that infers that knowing what happened actually helps. The bottom line is once someone's not interested anymore, they're just not. Asking why to me is throwing salt into an open wound for a lot of people, but they seem to enjoy it.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 50
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Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/21/2010 1:17:30 PM
Happily Ever maybe:
That says it all in my opinion. I just went thru a situation with a woman I was rapidly falling for and she was doing likewise, so she said. Something happened literally in the space of 24 hours, when she went out with a GF for the night after I left her place that morning, and suddenly she is calling me and telling me we should just be friends. This is after we've been out a few times, I've met her young son, and we'd been intimate. In my opinion she got scared off when I told her I wanted to be exclusive once we had slept together. Most people, men & women both, want and expect that after being intimate, but the reality seemed to be more than she could handle. In the long run, hey, if she is that confused and screwed up, we wouldn't have lasted anyway. All of that is fine, but don't give me some lame a$$ phone call after I've invested so much emotionally. I've broken things off with people, and sure, its difficult, but they deserve to be treated with enough respect that they get a face to face goodbye, as long as it isn't an argumentative situation. We have way too much technology in our lives these days, which only makes it easier for the cowardly types to hide behind.


Wow! Just wow! How many women would love to hear a guy that they've been intimate with say they want to be exclusive. A lousy phone call is better than a text no matter what excuse she made up. I've gotten less than that after feeling that there was a friendship developing and then "poof" gone. No phone call to say that they weren't feeling the romantic/sexual chemistry or the wrong religion, or just not ready for a relationship with anyone. The thing that I've experienced on one occasion was even after trying to make it easy to explain themselves, I sent an e-mail asking for an explanation as to what went wrong. I still got no response. So WTF? I think some people are just such cowards that no matter how easy you make it for them, they won't step up to the plate.
 mz taken
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 51
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Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/21/2010 2:52:31 PM
imo, if an explanation is so important and the ones who broke it off are deemed as cowards because they refused/declined/decided/avoided to respond when asked to explain, then why not take it as a sign that you are rid of them painlessly and accept that there will be no more drama just to get closure?

again, silence speaks volumes.
 green023
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 52
Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/21/2010 4:45:49 PM
IMO many people simply don't the have the courage or courtesy to be upfront. If it was just a few dates, then ending it with a brief email / text message is okay. However if it was a LTR, then I think it should be ended with a face to face conversation or at least a phone call. Although there can be some exceptions.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 53
Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/21/2010 6:26:51 PM

Asking why to me is throwing salt into an open wound for a lot of people, but they seem to enjoy it.

But there are certainly benefits to someone who's actually willing to consider the information and possibly make a change. I can think of mistakes that I made when I was younger that I didn't recognize until a pattern had been established and if the first guy had just told me about it, I could have avoided repeating the mistake later on. So if a guy broke up with me today, I would definitely want to be clear on the reason.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 54
Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/22/2010 12:23:44 AM
I am an in person kind of girl. I like people, and courtesy and respect are important to me. I don't use crutches either. So, all I can do is my own thing. And , when this is lacking in someone I'm dating..it definitely affects my opinion of them..at least as far as dating potential goes. No desire to date someone that is as crippled as you describe. Much less be in a relationship with them. I've had this happen some. And even tried to directly communicate about it. Lol. Fruitless. It's all part of just knowing yourself, what you want , and not settling for someone that isn't on the same page.

I've noticed this trend in business, too. And it's a team killer. And a productivity sapper. And a deadline slider. I nip it in the bud with all my team members and coworkers and vendors , clients, etc.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 55
Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/22/2010 2:05:01 AM

again, silence speaks volumes.


It does, but how would you ever know if this guy was involved in an accident which is causing his silence?

Alooo...I'm pretty much the same way when it comes to wanting to know the truth, as hard as the truth may be, it deserves respect and people should really be prepared to hear it once they've asked for it.
 *LadyLinda*
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 56
Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/22/2010 3:25:27 AM
I am the type of person who has to "understand" or attempt to understand the situations that happen in my life. When a breakup occurrs and there is no opportunity to ask questions then to me there is no closure and you are always left with lingering thoughts of why.....in other words lack of understanding for both parties involved....people then tend to have to place the blame somewhere...just a natural thing to do...but if they don't know where it belongs often times they place it upon themselves.
Doing the face to face thing allows for a greater understanding....which transfers to less people walking around with the baggage associated with the grieving process.
It's the same thing with an unexpected death . If a person were sick...you could understand the why part...... which is part of the grieving process....same thing with a relationship.
 arcticdude
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 57
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Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/22/2010 3:36:32 AM
Haha...The title of this thread reminds me of a thread I saw once "Why is sex so disappointing?"

Same answer: "Your doing it wrong."

I know, I know...not really to the point...funny though.

I will nitpick a bit on the example you used...When there is no interest, there IS no 'potential business opportunity' from the point of view of the uninterested party.
Do I follow up on every "Make Money Stuffing Envelopes At Home!" offer I receive? Not one.
Though it might not be textbook polite, it's not 'bad behavior in a relationship' when there is no 'relationship'...an interaction or tentative introduction ia a far cry from a 'relationship.

All that said, I usually end things with communication rather than silence and appreciate the same from others. I don't get terribly bent out of shape, however, If my own offers of "Stuffing Envelopes at home" are not responded to... (Hmmm...that sounded kind of rude...for the record, I've never EVER offered to 'stuff' anyones 'envelope' as an introductory e-mail and I do not advocate such boorish behavior)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 58
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Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/22/2010 4:35:49 AM

But there are certainly benefits to someone who's actually willing to consider the information and possibly make a change. I can think of mistakes that I made when I was younger that I didn't recognize until a pattern had been established and if the first guy had just told me about it, I could have avoided repeating the mistake later on. So if a guy broke up with me today, I would definitely want to be clear on the reason.

I totally understand that in some cases it's something I can fix - but once a guy decides to break it off it's almost always something that will either compromise who I am for the sake of the relationship (I work too much, I like my space, etc), or something that is out of my control (we're not matched well, he met someone and decided to go with that, he's not the relationship type, he's going back to an ex).

I'm not saying I'm not to blame for anything as most of the time both people are in a way, but when it's something you can improve for all men or all relationships - not just the person you're dating now, it tends to come up in conversation before a break up is considered. No guy who really likes you and wants to try and work things out will keep stuff like that from you until it's too late to fix it.
 cherryyblossom
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 59
Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:42:10 AM

I agree that most people are cowards and would rather disappear or tell a lie instead of being straight with someone.


that is exactly what torn me apart in my last rejection. why must people lie and disappear instead of being honest and sincere? i admit i do not like to talk on the phone or chat on im often, but i think it is better since you get a long and good conversation right away. texting and email are more convenient, but slow in response.
 mz taken
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 60
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Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:48:32 AM
I realize that what I've responded to does not cover all scenarios, it would be impossible to do so, even taking into account an unfortunate and unforeseen cause to physically not make the effort to explain the disappearing act.

my perspective was "post" break up and the deed (silent treatment) was already done. believe me, I wouldn't want it done to me, but when it's already obvious that there will be no explanation after a length of time (week? 2 weeks?), even after one has asked for the why-of-it and has gotten no response at all, does it really matter why? I myself would probably doubt every reason why, regardless, having already imagined the worst and what I think he'd say, convincing myself of what I did wrong. I know that I can accept any explanation, after all, it's their choice. I can't force someone to stay if they don't want to.
if someone is sliding away, then it wasn't going to work anyway.
there are those that stay and work it out, and those that don't. coward? labels?

it's possible that the "silent" one recognized that it wasn't working out for them but didn't know a tactful way to extract themselves from the equation without a confrontation and taking the easy way out.

what's done is done.
doesn't make it right, but it's done.
 NativeGoddess
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 61
Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:57:51 AM

because some people are cowards hun and avoid confrontation.


I disagree. Not everyone is a coward however, it all depends on several factors like how long you've been dating that 1 person. Also keep in mind this fast paced world we live in casual dating is akin to applying for jobs. Not all employers will call you to tell you didn't make the cut, ya just never hear back from them.

IF I go out with someone on 1 date and see that we're just not compatible, there is no second date... which is like trying out a new restaurant, if the food or service was horrid, I won't go back. - no explanation needed.

4 dates plus and for whatever reason I've decided that it wouldn't be a solid go, I do tell that person either face to face or phone that it's better we part ways as far as dating and that I will remain friendly and cordial towards them in public.

Not everyone is a coward. We're a product of society and have trained each other to side step drama the best way we know how. Men just withdraw because they don't wanna deal with an overly emotional crying female saying "But but but I thought we had something good"... NOT that all women are like this BUT 1 experience is enough to last most men a life time so they just avoid the situation and hope it goes away. I'm sure some women have experienced this as well from men.

Anyhoo, that's my 2 cents.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 62
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Why is direct communication so uncomfortable
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:00:16 AM
No one likes to argue or put themselves in a situation where the 'communication' could easily turn ugly or force them into a defensive stance. Breaking it off maturely and honestly usually sounds a lot easier than it really is. I've seen far too many guys go ballistic when I or a friend decided not to see them again. Instead of it just being thought of as not a good match it becomes a personal affront. Every nickle they spent on a date becomes highway robbery. It gets ugly very quickly.
In business, there are no deeply personal feelings, any person that does a good job is not going to feel slighted if you take a lower or more convenient offer. Professionals understand they are not going to win every job.
Also, accepting the bid from another plumber is never going to end in you being called a slut or a wh0re.
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