Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > My kids don't need a dad . . .      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 livindagoodlife
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 76
My kids don't need a dad . . .Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
As a single dad I understand exactly where that is coming from. It is the perception that dating a single parent means financial and other responsibility for someone else's child. I take care of my kids both financially, emotionally and so on. Any companion for me is just that a companion for me and not a person to assume responsibilities for my children because I'm already dealing with that fine on my own.
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 77
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/25/2010 8:12:09 PM

It is the perception that dating a single parent means financial and other responsibility for someone else's child.

But that's inevitable, to a certain degree, if the relationship ends up being of a long term nature. That's part of the responsibility when creating ablended family.

These perceptions are merely excuses generated from those who say negative things about single parents. Meaning, they don't want to appear to be an a$$ by saying, "I wouldn't date a single mom/dad!!" Instead, they say dumb things like, "She/he just wants my money." or "He/she needs a replacement mother/dad."

It eases their conscience while it pecks at your conscience.
I think you should fvck that person's best friend and really piss them off!!!
 4ever_4always
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 78
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/25/2010 8:58:19 PM

I'm of the opinion you don't have to respond to or cater to those who think moms are looking for replacement dads. If you are, or aren't, looking for a replacement dad that should be easy to ascertain through behaviour, conduct and words spoken. If a guy can't figure out why you're actually dating him then he's dense. A mom who has her act together is just as identifiable as a mom who doesn't have their act together.


You know what, you're right. Thank you. This is something I was debating with myself when I made my comment. We shouldn't have to say anything. It's kind of sad that we've gotten to the point where we do have to. Like you said, if the guy can't figure it out, he's dense. Same would work if it was a single dad because I have seen that come up as well.


I'd venture to guess the mom who doesn't have her act together usually announces she does have her act toghether - then she gets all p!ssy when the guy discovered she lied and he bails on her.


I'm hoping this wasn't directed to me. lol If it was, all I am going to say is you don't know my situation. Nor will you. I feel it's something that should only be discussed with the person whom I would be dating. You don't know me, you don't know the father. You can assume all you want. Now if it wasn't, every situation is different. It is possible that could be it. Maybe the girl did lie and he found out. Who knows.
 livindagoodlife
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 79
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/26/2010 5:20:21 AM
I agree that in the long run shared emotional responsibility is a must. Financial is not so necessary in my case but yes if a woman is a with a man who has kids already and you do decide to become a family you will have to share your heart and mind with the/those child(ren). When I was younger and a lot less mature I would have never considered being with a woman with kids. Now that I am older and wiser I don't see it as a problem. I love kids in general not just those that I make. Kids are fun and innocent. Young minds ready to shape. If humanity has any hope of improving itself it won't come from me or you it will be from future generations who dispense with the wrong thinking of their parents and predecessors and embrace their own brand of thinking.
 valsalva22
Joined: 4/27/2005
Msg: 80
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:01:41 PM

i think women in general say this, because some men don't want the responsiblity of another mans child.......... earlier i wrote a forum in "broken hearts". a stupid women wrote back to me..... "you're just looking for a father for your fatherless baby." no i'm not. i'm looking for a companion. my daughter has a dad that takes care of her.

i think women have to state that so that men will know that we aren't looking for a man to take care of our child(ren). we aren't looking for a man just to use him. we want a relationship.
Thanks for the reply, missy, and my question to you is: why would you even consider dating a man who makes assumptions about you? If some jerk says that to you, your response should be the delete button, that's it.


I still do not understand why a mother feels discussing their children is necessary. Stating you're a mom is all that should be required..... the rest isn't rocket science, we can figure it out. In fact, if a guy asks you for clarity on that statement....run!!!!.
Bang on!


As you can see from the posts in this thread, the vast majority of men can grasp what would be involved with dating a mom..... again, not rocket science. Whenever I read a mom posting "Don't need a dad..." I immediately wonder why you moms need to respond to the small percentages of douchebags who think poorly of moms anyway? It makes me wonder what kind of guys you hang around with..... most importantly - what kind of guys do you choose to date?
Excellent post! This is the point I've been trying to get across but you have stated it quite succinctly and effectively here.


It's my opinion that you give off a more negative aspect of your personality/characteristics when you need to pardon your past life with such a disclaimer in your profile..... there is nothing positive in such a statement. Hence, the motivation for this thread.
Exactly. Cheers to you, My I.


I know for myself, it was added afterwards because I was being told that I was roping someone in to take care of "Mommys Little Accident". It infuriated me. The father is going to be a part of my childs life so they wouldn't be replacing the father at all. On the other hand, I understand what you're saying. It's all about the wording really. How would we word that to make you guys alright with it? Like the kids obviously already have a dad. They don't need another one, but at the same time any guy we're going to be with will have to be a father figure. It's just complicated. We're damned if we don't say it because then we're just looking for people to replace the dad. Yet we're damned if we say anything as well. lol So I completely get where you are coming from. I would like to change my profile, but now I'm not too sure what to say. :S

I'm a bit late to this party but My I addressed your concerns quite nicely. Good luck!
 letmeout
Joined: 2/5/2010
Msg: 81
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/27/2010 8:26:28 PM
We all just really want to protect our selves, and our family, and have the best sex forever and a loving relationship with lots of money and the food we like to eat cooked the way we like it.

If we have kids while looking for someone, and we dont think of our kids as part the package-move on, or wear lots of condoms, cause the kids dont come first, we dont come first--BOTH DO come first- A family, or a slutty family, which is healthier?
 TravelGuyIAD
Joined: 7/31/2009
Msg: 82
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:02:33 AM
Ok my first venture into the forums

I've read (ok scanned) all the posts on here; I've scanned those that seemed to be directed at one particular male poster as I'm not sure why everyone keeps his legacy alive by continuing to post about him but oh well

I'm a single dad.. two boys 8 & 10 and thats (from my perspective) all I need to disclose; I think its a given that *insert cliche's*
*they come first
*I'm not looking for a mom
*I don't need a sugar momma
*I don't need to discuss them
*I don't need a row of pictures with them
You know thru my disclosure in my profile I'm a dad to two and their ages hence, how long they will be around in my house

other than that; I try to describe myself and I wish more single moms would do that rather than rant on about the kids; if I'm interested in you and I know you are a mom; all I want to know is kids (y/n), how many, & ages (and even ages is not a big deal for me but I can see how it would be for some people especially if you are older)

Of course, if you are the mom, I know they are around, i assume unless you tell me otherwise they are the light of your life and will come first, they have a father and they are the greatest kids on earth; that is understood but please don't waste text on it. Please describe you and what you want in a man.

You see I expect you to post what you are looking for that isn't in the little "you must be or not be" lines that are below the profile.

Personally I'm looking for single moms as they understand what life with a kid is like and don't get all out of whack when child care issues arise or I have to work around them. Plus the fact that I really love kids.

I reference the above quote only b/c I completely agree with this poster's 1st and 3rd paragraph.

anyway, end of rant LOL

thanks for reading
 TravelGuyIAD
Joined: 7/31/2009
Msg: 83
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:03:37 AM
oops I just realized that the quote did not come thru, I guess I did something wrong
 ifyoujustsmileatme
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 84
view profile
History
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:15:29 AM
Hello there. I'm goin to agree with many of the other posts. A lot of single mothers out there have encountered negativity and it is assumed they're looking for a decent man to take the role as their kid's father. One thing that I make it a point to mention is that I'm not looking for a "baby daddy"...I'm looking for my soulmate. As a single womom of a four month old who's father has never seen him (per HIS choice)....I'm so afraid men will have that perception that I'm looking for a replacement father for my son..which is absolutely NOT the case. With that said...any man I date obviously has to accept my son along with me.
 EGJV
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 85
view profile
History
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/28/2010 7:06:24 AM

But in my case, his dad is there, he may not be the greatest, most responsible parent in the world, but they have a great relationship and I wouldn't want anyone to come between that. Long term commitment or not, *I* raise my son, and no one but me will have control over how he is raised. I was with someone for around a year that wanted to argue all the time that he got no say in this or that. I do NOT want to deal with that again. I've met a few guys like him that want all the coziness of a family with none of the actual responsibility, so they hook up with a single mom, and get to play house until it gets too hard.


I need a bit of clarification here: was the guy complaining he wanted more say in how your son was raised, or was he avoiding the "actual responsibility"?

As for my opinion/experience: I've dated two single moms before. I think it's irresponsible to not want a father figure for your child. Note "father figure" not "father replacement". Especially if you're looking for a committed relationship and you live together. Pretending the guy is "just for you" and that nothing will rub off on kids is insane IMO.

As for making a relationship work, I think that a SO to a single parent should be ready to assume the mantle of parenthood if things get serious. I personally wouldn't want to be with a single parent who had the "*I* raise my kids" attitude because children are such a huge part of life, I'd feel I'm just a addition, not part of a family. The other aspect is that then the single parent is basically always calling the shots, and the relationship (which s based on compromise and understanding) is mostly shifted toward one side.

Having a stepparent does not invalidate a parent, just like having an uncle doesn't invalidate a father. I think you can have an active stepparent involved in your children's life. I'm a product of divorced parents and I can say it's tough - you need more friends, not an aloof person in the house who has "nothing to do with you".
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 86
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/28/2010 7:30:17 AM
I'm hoping this wasn't directed to me. lol

No. It wasn't.
I should have worded it differently. Here's my edit to my comment:
I'd venture to guess the moms who don't have her act together usually over emphasize and dogmatically enforces the idea she does have her act together.
 valsalva22
Joined: 4/27/2005
Msg: 87
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/28/2010 9:55:18 AM
Personally I'm looking for single moms as they understand what life with a kid is like and don't get all out of whack when child care issues arise or I have to work around them. Plus the fact that I really love kids.

There are many childless people who can also understand what life with a kid is like and wouldn't get all out of whack, I am sure. Why close down your options to "single moms only" (or single dads only for the women)? Why pre-judge someone before you even speak to them? Perhaps they were raised by a single parent and know what it's all about? What if they raised one or more of their siblings because their parent(s) weren't around? Keep your options open, my friend.

Hello there. I'm goin to agree with many of the other posts. A lot of single mothers out there have encountered negativity and it is assumed they're looking for a decent man to take the role as their kid's father. One thing that I make it a point to mention is that I'm not looking for a "baby daddy"...I'm looking for my soulmate. As a single womom of a four month old who's father has never seen him (per HIS choice)....

My suggestion would be to read MY I's posts.


I'm so afraid men will have that perception that I'm looking for a replacement father for my son..which is absolutely NOT the case. With that said...any man I date obviously has to accept my son along with me.

So you are creating your profile out of fear and negativity. Step back for a second and think about how that comes across. Also, please re-read what you wrote and look for the contradiction. Then read what EGJV wrote above about the difference between "father figure" and "father replacement".


As for my opinion/experience: I've dated two single moms before. I think it's irresponsible to not want a father figure for your child. Note "father figure" not "father replacement". Especially if you're looking for a committed relationship and you live together. Pretending the guy is "just for you" and that nothing will rub off on kids is insane IMO.

As for making a relationship work, I think that a SO to a single parent should be ready to assume the mantle of parenthood if things get serious. I personally wouldn't want to be with a single parent who had the "*I* raise my kids" attitude because children are such a huge part of life, I'd feel I'm just a addition, not part of a family. The other aspect is that then the single parent is basically always calling the shots, and the relationship (which s based on compromise and understanding) is mostly shifted toward one side.

Having a stepparent does not invalidate a parent, just like having an uncle doesn't invalidate a father. I think you can have an active stepparent involved in your children's life. I'm a product of divorced parents and I can say it's tough - you need more friends, not an aloof person in the house who has "nothing to do with you".
Excellent post, EGJV, and I agree 100%.
 SunshineGem
Joined: 10/26/2009
Msg: 88
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/28/2010 4:05:14 PM
what makes you think that guys that are scum bags are like that from the beginning of ther relationship? They show who they really are later or when things occur, like pregnancy, where there are men who become abusive when this happens to their partner. Some women end up in situations where they want the best for their children and hope to find a man who is a good role model because their natural father ends up showing he is a horrible person or wants nothing to do with the children and / or mother.
 SunshineGem
Joined: 10/26/2009
Msg: 89
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/28/2010 4:05:47 PM
what makes you think that guys that are scum bags are like that from the beginning of ther relationship? They show who they really are later or when things occur, like pregnancy, where there are men who become abusive when this happens to their partner. Some women end up in situations where they want the best for their children and hope to find a man who is a good role model because their natural father ends up showing he is a horrible person or wants nothing to do with the children and / or mother.
 red dawg123
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 90
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/28/2010 5:56:36 PM
I have not had time to read all post about this topic but I have a fundermental problem with much of what I have read. There seems to be quite a bit of men bashing on here when nobody ever wants to address the real issue of why there are so many single mums but not dads. How about we have equal parenting, and create two equal loving homes for the children, instead of the women getting custody and the men getting access, which would then free up both parents to enter into new relationships, when the child or children are with the other parent, and seeing if they are compatable to begin with. After a while if things are good then maybe introduce the new person as your friend and if all goes well, after some time, change up the relationship. Everyone is only looking out for themselves and rarely do either side put the children first. So you dont see each other everyday, is that not acceptable for your kids sake
 CodeNameKitty
Joined: 1/9/2010
Msg: 91
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 2/28/2010 8:51:35 PM
I haven't ever had to utter the statement myself and now my kids are older..so..

However, if I did feel the need to let it be known that I'm not looking for a dad for my kids, they already have one...
hmm.
I would think it would be because I was letting someone know either that,
A. The ultimate responsibility wasn't going to be there's.
or
B. You won't be having the last word on the discipline, it's my area and if I think there's a problem I can't handle, and after I've exhausted your brain, my brain... I will most likely turn to their dad..he's their dad afterall.

Conversely, if a man said, I don't need a mom for my kids, they already have one, I'd say, Fine. Thanks for letting me know...(really, it's quite simple)...

And please, please, all you men out there...understand this for what it says. It seems a little weird that you're all getting kinda pissy over this.
 Exxperienced and Cool
Joined: 10/4/2009
Msg: 92
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 3/2/2010 7:42:17 AM
OH we're not getting pissy girl, geeez, just trying to help the women realize that smart single dad's know what's up in the real world.

Usually we do end up paying for the kids sooner or later. Not saying all of you single moms, ok, but there are alot of them who easily fall in love to be prey of the aysswholes out there from few night's stand, fling, and those mother F's will do everything and anything to get away from paying child support and then those women act like "I didn't know he was like that" being 5-10K+ behind in child support and we're just rolling our eyes.

There are states that require the stepdad to take over for her kids and she might say "No, you are not his biological father so you have to get his consent as well"...like WTF??

Then there's the 'we were married for 10 years' ex's who are busy taking care of their new full-time family and when he finds out she's got a new man...will manipulate the child support system to 5 or 10K then pay a little just to keep from jail and now here we are with kids liking each other and we're seriously involved. New guy needs to get a second job so she can stay home for the babies and kids meanwhile, she insists that ex gets to see his kids whenever he pleases and/or kids get pissy if can't see dad whenever he pleases and court still recognizes his rights to his kids no matter the bullshyt or intentional heavy mental stressful burden he pulls.

The above scenarios are caused when a single mother is not Fully and Completely honest with everything including meeting the kids and family within a few to possibly 4 dates that take maybe a month. EVERY MAN knows the family courts are 95% for her and those moms will always allow her ex's to see his kids no mattew how much shyt he pulls because she is not self-empowered which will always hurt her and the reason why so many single moms have been raising their kids for years by themselves...can't cut loose from the past for a better future.
 ShoreGirl25
Joined: 1/27/2010
Msg: 93
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 3/2/2010 8:16:14 AM
I understand where your coming from but sometimes men DO ask about the situation of the child's father
 Exxperienced and Cool
Joined: 10/4/2009
Msg: 94
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 3/2/2010 8:33:33 AM
A self-empowered woman is what every good man wants. She can hold the fort while he makes the money and benefits. She is the family's center and universe but knows when she needs help, he's always there and has the foot to support her with Final Say. It's just like the men in the above posts...no, I am not making fun of you but using you as an example for this thread.

As a single dad, I would never, EVER, have a pic of me with a glass of wine as that pre-cludes you're just here to suave the women and love to the buzz and by stating you are not controllative...we know that as your oldest daughter (18) is married. Statistically speaking, she's going to end up being a single mom and your youngest will probably run the same course of life.

The OP has no kids and I've noticed that he has changed his stance from wanting women to explain more to agreeing with whatever the women are saying now.

A good man never changes his stance, stands tall and firm for his family as everything they do, is a reflection on him and his family's generations. Anything less is a slap in his face which is just like there's always a beautiful woman who's done a good man wrong and there's a handsome man who's slept on a good woman!
 mparker1
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 95
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 3/2/2010 9:21:18 AM
Im a single father, and when women say things like that, I gather that they are still in love with the X and their values, So, they only want you for sex. LOL
 mparker1
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 96
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 3/2/2010 9:23:15 AM
Im a single father, and when women say things like that, I gather that they are still in love with the X and their values, So, they only want you for sex. LOL, Oh BTW, any man can father a child but can any man be a DAD
 EGJV
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 97
view profile
History
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 3/2/2010 2:43:49 PM

I understand where you['re] coming from but sometimes men DO ask about the situation of the child's father


and the thing that's wrong with that is...?
 Danny Boy TKO
Joined: 2/22/2010
Msg: 98
view profile
History
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 3/2/2010 4:07:07 PM
I know where they are coming from. Maybe i wouldnt word it that way though. My daughter has a mum - a good one - its not about a replacement its about invitng some one into their lives and yours to add value. Your kids should always come first on matter what.
 paul starr
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 99
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 3/4/2010 10:06:38 AM
Every child needs a father as well as a mother,thats the bottom line ,i mean hey look i am a single dad ,i have a lovely little sixteen yr.old girl and i myself belive that she even at this age needs a mother figure,one cant take away from what was ment to be?you need two just too keep up with everything thats going on in this world now adays ,& the last time i check ed two heads where better then one,I have found that when re-marks like those get toss around it means something else,ie, just check under the heading of bagage....................................
 valsalva22
Joined: 4/27/2005
Msg: 100
My kids don't need a dad . . .
Posted: 3/4/2010 11:22:00 AM

The OP has no kids and I've noticed that he has changed his stance from wanting women to explain more to agreeing with whatever the women are saying now.
Perhaps you should re-read my posts then because I am agreeing with a lot of the guys too.


Im a single father, and when women say things like that, I gather that they are still in love with the X and their values, So, they only want you for sex. LOL, Oh BTW, any man can father a child but can any man be a DAD

LMAO . . . and good point at the end.


Every child needs a father as well as a mother,thats the bottom line ,i mean hey look i am a single dad ,i have a lovely little sixteen yr.old girl and i myself belive that she even at this age needs a mother figure,one cant take away from what was ment to be?you need two just too keep up with everything thats going on in this world now adays ,& the last time i check ed two heads where better then one,I have found that when re-marks like those get toss around it means something else,ie, just check under the heading of bagage....................................
Another good post.
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > My kids don't need a dad . . .