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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?      Home login  
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 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 26
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?Page 2 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
You need to find someone with your same phone habits.
When I have a BF, I might call ONCE a day, maybe ONE text.
That's it, my life is not that eventful neither do I feel the need to tell other people play by play what I'm doing.
Twitter is just a hedious invention! Who cares if I am at smart and final buying frozen vegetables?
Other people want to know "how are you doing" 15 times a day!
What am I doing? same thing I was doing 10min ago when you called me and i said I was working!
Find someone like you, otherwise nobody is happy!
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 27
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/23/2010 11:21:43 PM
Probably just a matter of priorities...one is an option, the other a priority...or one is into it more than the other. Assuming you are talking about on a regular basis. There are times I don't feel like talking to anybody. But it's not a regular thing, and not really all that often.
Having common courtesy is important, and so is respecting boundaries and personal space. If they don't feel like talking once in a while, it's not really a deal breaker to me. All other things being equal..and you have a reciprocal relationship,etc.

I was trying to think back...and I can't remember in 5 years ever seeing my bf's # and not being happy to talk to him. Unless we were fighting, but we didn't do that much and usually handled it in person. A few times I was running late (yeah, I do that)..blew off the call until I could get on the road to wherever I was going ..and called him back. I also won't answer my phone unless it's work & I'm on call when I'm at dinner, shopping,etc as I find this rude.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 28
Is it a deal-breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/23/2010 11:39:11 PM

Well you have to give her the fact that she is being honest.

*laughin'*

True. Although I'm not so sure it's a good idea to be quite so blunt!

The way I see it, the telephone is there for its owner's convenience, not the caller's. No one's obligated to pick up if it isn't a good time for whatever reason. There's nothing impolite about that (unless it's a specifically pre-arranged, scheduled call, which would usually only apply in business anyway).

But there's also no reason she can't, upon returning the call, just say, "Hi, got your message(s), what's up?" and leave it at that, without saying "I didn't feel like talking at the time."

Unless you're grilling her about why she didn't answer, and telling her how rude you think it was. That kind of thing tends to garner a response that doesn't include tact.
 pnayplayr
Joined: 3/31/2009
Msg: 29
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 12:00:26 AM
tallgirl made a comment about "the big picture".

think...

1. why doesn't this person even want to talk to me?
2. why doesn't this person even respect the fact or your request (as your SO) that you'd want to atleast hear from them say they're busy.

it's how they treat you make and make you feel. i felt like my ex just took me for granted and one of the reason was that so many guys would have love to hear my voice, while he would find it an "obligation" to call me...lol! eventually during the years, even though he was there, i started feeling lonely. it was the simple things i'd always ask from him and he failed at showing to me i mattered. how much longer will you put up with that?
 tjl2280
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 30
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 1:09:36 AM
answer the call and say, "can I call you back later I'm doing xyz".... See that's the problem she can't call you and tell you she is doing xyz because xyz is some dude named Bob. Yes if someone ignored my calls all the time it would tell me that she doesn't want to hang out, it would make me feel I was bothering her and she gets mad when I call. She is probably the type of girl who always texts you because she doesn't want to bother to talk to you on the phone. Tell her how it makes you feel and if she doesn't give you the attention that you need then kick her to the curb.
 KillingForCupcakes
Joined: 1/27/2010
Msg: 31
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 1:28:46 AM

I hate talking on the phone. My ex knew this, but insisted on calling me a couple times a day just to chat. I hate talking on the phone when I have a reason to letalone when I have nothing to say.

Sometimes...
I am cooking. I could answer, but I don't.
I am watching good show. I could answer, but I don't.
I am readin a book. I could answer, but I don't.

Whatever the reason, it is a reason. Maybe not one you like, but there is always a reason. Sometimes, I am just in a crappy mood and don't want to take it out on whoever is on the other end of the phone.

I've tried your suggestion of "can I call you back ..." It never works. They say "Oh, it will only take a minute." Or "Guess what happened at work today." Or, my personal favorite ... "What's the matter?" Nothing is the matter, I just have nothing to say and would prefer not to sit here with a phone to my ear listening to dead air.

So, my point OP is don't take it personal. We aren't all phone people. So long as they are calling you back, don't stress over it. When they stop answering and stop calling, that's when you worry.


AMEN! It's nice to know I'm not alone.

I've worked in call centers for way too long to want to spend every available minute on the damn phone with anyone.

Add to that the fact that the person calling also texts me to death AND has nothing to say when I do answer the phone other than...."sooo whatcha up to?" and it's enough to drive me bat sh*t crazy! How can I miss you if you don't go away sometimes? How can I have anything to talk about you when we are together if you are hounding me all day long to see what I'm doing and if anything interesting happened while I was at work etc? I've even had one guy that would text me so much that I would get 2 or three messages in a row while I was still trying to answer the first one! And then I get the petulant response of "Well if you don't want to talk to me just say so" or "I get the hint, you don't want to talk to me" when I don't respond quickly enough. OH EM GEE....GET OFF MY ASS!!!

When I have something relevant to say I pick up the phone and call...when I know that the person calling just wants to shoot the breeze I tend to let it go to voicemail. If you can't be bothered to leave a voicemail it must not have been that important IMO. And yeah, if you leave a vm that says something to the effect of....hey it's just me...I was just calling to see what you were up to....odds are I'm not gonna rush to call ya back. That's just me...I can't handle being with someone that needs constant contact all throughout the day.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 32
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 1:55:04 AM

But to see your SO call and then call again an hour later and still not answer the phone. Then when they actually do call back they tell you they just did not feel like talking at that time and do not understand why your upset.

That last part (bolded by me) leads me to believe that him telling you, “I just did not feel like talking at that time” is NOT a regular occurrence.


I look at it like this, the phone rings I see it's my SO and say to myself "**** her, I'll call back when I feel like it" and then expect her to be okay with that. I see it as rude behavior.

If he ACTUALLY said to you, “**** you, I’ll call back when I feel like it”, THEN and ONLY then would it be rude behavior. Otherwise, it’s just you “embellishing” the FACTS, (i.e., he REALLY said that he “just did not feel like talking at that time”), with imaginary rudeness and expletives. You are twisting what he said and conjecturing it into your own fallacious argument. Not feeling like talking at that time, does not mean he does not feel like talking to you EVER AGAIN; well, not unless you continue to morph his words into your own adverse speculations and ruminations, and then get mad at him for it, (behavior like that would be a deal breaker for me). Also, it is illogical and rude to expect someone who does not feel like talking to pick up the phone and tell you they don’t feel like talking. I’m sure you wouldn’t have said, “Okay, bye”.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 33
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 1:56:57 AM
when i have a boyfriend, we are in tuned. until i am involved with somebody, i don't give flying fish when "the phone rings" and sometimes if i feel like it,i won't check my voicemail for days. GEEEEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!! what is wrong with you OP?
she isn't your woman!
lovestruck in the head BOING!!!!!!!!!!
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 34
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 2:19:23 AM

But to see your SO call and then call again an hour later and still not answer the phone.

Why is the SO calling back an hour later?? If anybody makes multiple calls to me in a short period, the caller better have some time-sensitive reason for it. I guess I should also ask if you're leaving a message after the first call? I know some people think that calling and hanging up necessitates a return call. But I'm not one who checks my missed calls since it's my assumption that if someone wants me to call back, they'll leave a message.

Not everybody feels the need to pick up the phone every time it rings. And it's been my experience that the sort of people who do are usually the ones who answer their call waiting while talking to me. Unless the person was expecting an important call, that drives me nuts.
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 35
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 3:24:34 AM
I don't like talking on the phone unless it's some thing important or some quick to say. Talking on the phone too much can piss me off. I'd rather talk to my s/o in person.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 36
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 3:40:00 AM

I'm talking about seeing it ring, seeing it's you calling and deciding not to answer it for no good reason except they did not feel like talking at that time.


You know she sees it is you how? Does she have the phone in the bathroom or out in the yard or maybe her hands are in the sink.

Do you even know she has caller id? Sounds a bit paranoid to me.


To me common courtesy would be if you just do not want to talk at that time to answer the call and say, "can I call you back later I'm doing xyz".


No, common courtesy would be to stop letting the phone ring 15-20 times as she must be busy or not in the mood to talk. That is just irritating.
I am not obligated to answer my phone ever and it is not rude. My phone my descretion to answer and make calls as I please.

I don't answer junk mail just because I get it there either.


But to see your SO call and then call again an hour later and still not answer the phone. Then when they actually do call back they tell you they just did not feel like talking at that time and do not understand why your upset.


So you do keep calling over and over. That is not cool.
She did not feel like talking, maybe it had nothing to DO with you. I hate chit chat when I am not in the mood. Don't smother her or you will lose her.


I look at it like this, the phone rings I see it's my SO and say to myself "**** her, I'll call back when I feel like it" and then expect her to be okay with that. I see it as rude behavior.


So you have a camera and mike at her house and knows she says "**** him?
Wow you seem to have some issues plus a clairvoyance that could come in handy with lotto numbers.

Grow up op, She has every right to NOT answer her own phone and not be at your beck and call. You are not that entitled are you?

Hope that helps
 Trixiebells
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 37
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 3:42:51 AM
I am at the other end of a phone all day at work and the last think i want to do when i go home is chat on the phone, so quite often dont pick up.

As long as she calls you back at some point that day/night then that's fine.. cut down on phoning her and you'll maybe find she'll be the one calling you!
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 38
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 3:44:12 AM
I really understand the whole not wanting to talk on the phone... I have voicemail so if it's important, the person will leave a message or I could be waiting for a call from one specific person and would only accept calls from that person.


"can I call you back later I'm doing xyz".
I can't actually see it going over well to say... "Can I call you back later, I'm staring mindlessly at the television."

Sometimes finishing whatever it is you're doing or not doing is easier than explaining why doing nothing is more important at that particular time than talking to the person.
 arcticdude
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 39
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 3:46:27 AM
Not a 'deal breaker' with me. Why would I want to impose myself on anyone who, at that moment, didn't feel like talking...sounds kind of non-consensual.

Someone assuming my not answering the phone is me saying "**** her"...Now THAT is a potential deal breaker for me! A li-ttle bit "I won't be ignored, Dan..." psycho...
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 40
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 6:57:26 AM
OP - the fact that she doesn't pick up the phone MEANS she's busy doing something, left the phone out of hearing, is in the shower, or doesn't feel like talking - in fact, it covers all the reasons you listed that were "acceptable". NOT picking up the phone conveys that message.

I just don't get it. I don't care what kind of relationship you have with someone - that does NOT mean they need to be at a moment's notice 24/7 - I don't care if it's a SO, parent, friend, whatever. People DO NOT have to be hooked into the communication matrix every moment of every day.

I don't have a cell phone. And guess what? If I have someone over - I don't answer my house phone either. I don't even look to see who it is...because that is RUDE.

It would be a deal breaker for me if someone was asking - why didn't you answer my call/text/email? Ye gods....

AND - all that being said - in any relationship I've ever had - I've been in almost constant contact throughout the day. Big difference in a back and forth - and a DEMAND that you answer immediately!
 Fishalways
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 41
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 6:57:51 AM
I am so glad I am not the only one who doesn't like answering the phone every time it rings. Someone else said "my phone, my choice". I use the phone as somthing to make plans and then the conversation will be in person, and even then I may not have anything to say. If it is important, or time critical I will leave a message.

Simply put, just becasue you don't like the way she is using her phone, does not make it a problem she has, it makes it a problem YOU have.
 JFredMuggs
Joined: 1/26/2010
Msg: 42
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:20:20 AM
I'm with the rapidly growing majority opinion - if I don't want to answer MY phone I don't, and I don't feel the need to expound on why I didn't feel like it.

I guess my question back at the OP is this: do you typically leave a voice message? If so, what do they say? If no, or the msgs contain nothing earth-shatterning or time-critical then I'd say you're overreacting. If you're only waiting an hour before calling her back and there's nothing that warrants that then you're too needy, IMHO.
 trixiestwins
Joined: 6/15/2007
Msg: 43
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:24:27 AM
Gotta go with the majority here. There are times when I just don't feel like talking. Most of the time, however, it is because I was not near the phone when it rang or beeped that I have a text. I am not one of those people that look at my phone when I get near it to see if I missed anyone's call or text. I am lucky if I check my phone once a day to see if I missed anything.
I don't want to talk on the phone with anybody every day...yet alone a couple of times a day. I feel if I am being called all the time, that the person calling is really needy and I don't want any part of that.
Talk to your SO and find out if she is like you with the phone. If not, it may be a deal breaker for you. Only you can decide this.
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 44
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:38:03 AM
well if somebody calls me and i don't want to talk to them, i generally solve the problem by not answering. [thank *god* for caller ID!] because see, i have actually trained myself to believe that a ringing telephone is not an implicit command for an immediate conversation which must be obeyed, no matter how brief, and in spite of the standard knee-jerk social conditioning to the contrary. oh my, what a radical thought! i guess that makes me a horrible, horrible person.

i'll hasten to add that i would extend the same understanding to any friends that might choose to temporarily ignore my call without assuming they intended to insult me.

of course my other option is to pick up the phone and take the insufferable chance of hearing the voice on the other end -- i.e., the one that i didn't want to talk to at that particular moment -- going on and on about something that will "only take a second or two". meanwhile i didn't want to talk to them in the first place, so why did i even bother to pick up the phone? to soothe their delicate ego? for you as the soliciter of the unwanted conversation, the net result is the same, is it not? making a phone call to somebody is not the same as addressing them in person and having them deliberately ignore you.

you are free to perceive it as a personal insult if you insist, but that isn't necessarily the case. and unless you have more substantial evidence to support your theory, i think it would be a mistake to automatically assume that you were treated rudely just because somebody didn't jump to answer your call. this is called "extending the benefit of the doubt" or maybe "take a chill pill" and it's a valuable communication skill to have in any relationship.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 45
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:41:15 AM
I am in sales and spend a large part of my day in front of a computer and on the phone talking to people. When I am home the last thing I want to do is chit chat on the phone or trade IMs or texts.
My BF, Mother, sister and friends all know to email me and I will get back to them within a day. You will save yourself a lot of grief if you only call when necessary. Many people I know hate talking on the phone and do not feel a need to explain themselves to someone that obviously enjoys it.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 46
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:53:31 AM
How long have you and the SO been together? Color me weird, I don't really ever remember being in a relationship with someone and not wanting to talk to them. So if she's dumb enough to tell you yeah, I was sitting there watching the phone ring and didn't want to talk to you, that seems more the problem than what she is doing.

She could avoid the issue by saying she was in another room and didn't hear the phone.

Someone did call me a couple of weeks ago. I was watching a movie with my children and I didn't feel like talking but if it had been someone I was in a relationship with I would have answered and told him I was watching a movie with the kids and I would call him when I was done.

But that's because I WANT to talk to him in the first place. Sounds like the OP is one of those people that wants to talk to his SO and share his important little details and it is frustrating to not be able to get in touch with her. She may be a person that isn't really into sharing her little details with anyone at all.

Is this really that big a deal or is it indicative of the energy she is putting into the relationship as a whole and again, how long have you been with this woman?
 FourmProfile
Joined: 2/18/2010
Msg: 47
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:59:23 AM

Then when they actually do call back they tell you they just did not feel like talking at that time

You are being WAY too sensitive here and the folks agreeing with you are wrong.

If the person you call doesn't answer, you leave a message saying "call me back when you get a chance". If they don't call back.. that's rude.. not answering the phone simply means that they didn't want to (for whatever reason) get into a conversation right then and there can be a million reasons for this.

In this case.. your getting upset is more than a little out of line IMO...
 9035768
Joined: 9/20/2007
Msg: 48
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:07:10 AM
If they don't want to talk to you that is a red flag.

HOWEVER... You're a dealbreaker to me. I don't date the center of the universe and you clearly believe you are.

To me common courtesy would be if you just do not want to talk at that time to answer the call and say, "can I call you back later I'm doing xyz".

Excuse me? Common courtesy is that I have to defend every second of my life to you? And on YOUR time schedule?
No, hon, common courtesy is allowing people to live their lives and if you want to own someone you need to move to a country that allows that.

It is a phone. Not an emergency. I am not the cops. I am not EMS. I am not CPS. I am not the Fire department. That's why everyone has a ringtone. My drama queen friends have their own ring(that's the one you would have, op). I don'tleave the soapy dog in the tub and run to answer the phone for them. I don't have kids, so the only time I'll drop what I'm doing and run to the phone is if someone has pre-arranged an "OMG" moment. (Mitch is going to help Brenda move out of Dave's house and Dave is a psycho, but not enough of a psycho to require involving the cops.)

You sound like you might argue with her about what is or is not an acceptable reason to not run out of the bathroom and grab the phone. So, yeah, that would be a deal breaker to me. You don't get to demand a response AND I'm allowed to finish a project without defending myself for wanting to OR just rest because I finished a project and don't feel like hearing your drama king whine.

You don't seem to understand it is not my job to defend whatever reason I have for not answering the phone. Why do I have to defend every second of my day?

If you demand a reason for not running for the phone, you're probably the same guy that doesn't like MY reasons. So, yeah, that means I'm not giving you reasons. Just a, "Yeah, I didn't answer the phone, good observation skills, guess I didn't want to talk to you."


But to see your SO call and then call again an hour later and still not answer the phone.

Yeah, if you call a second time and don't leave a message I WILL NOT call you back. Not going to happen. Two calls and no message means you're just looking to stir up drama. There is no other alternative if you're a social relationship and I've given you my phone number. That's why she doesn't answer you the first time.

When my brother died and my mom had to call her ex-husband in Hawaii to tell him, she left a message. She didn't call him 20 times until he answered the phone. She told him it was important and to call her back when he was able. Leave the drama llama in your own yard, don't send it to me.

Same with if you leave the same message twice. I'll email you the next time I'm sitting at home, relaxed and working on personal emails. Just because you are wigging out doesn't mean I have to.

And your not saying good morning at work analogy would be more accurate this way:

You pass someone's desk while they're typing at their desk. You say, "Good morning and they don't respond."

You have NO idea what the person on the other end of the phone is doing AND you are not given the right to know. If the person wishes to share with you they may. If not, you don't deserve to complain.

You should stick to dating drama queens. They'll agree with you about all this.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 49
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:07:19 AM
Well, that is very hurtful. I've never done that. To have someone say they just didn't feel like talking to you is very selfish. I would have to re-evaluate whether to stay in a relationship where I'm taken for granted and easily dismissed. Even if someone doesn't like talking on the phone it's hard to answer the phone and say that they are busy with something and will call you back later.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 50
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:09:26 AM
Ever get the sense that some people are like a rat experiment gone mad where they are conditioned to respond to bells?
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