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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?      Home login  
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 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 51
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?Page 3 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
As far as answer machines/voice mails go, I don't think messages should be left on answer machines unless there is something important or urgent.

An absolute pet peeve and turn off of mine is when someone is constantly blowing up my answer machine, without even having anything of importance to say.
 Nicci Can
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 52
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:16:55 AM

Well, that is very hurtful. I've never done that. To have someone say they just didn't feel like talking to you is very selfish. I would have to re-evaluate whether to stay in a relationship where I'm taken for granted and easily dismissed. Even if someone doesn't like talking on the phone it's hard to answer the phone and say that they are busy with something and will call you back later.


The problem with that ^^^^^^^^^

Is that I'm willing to bet that if someone is the type to feel dismissed or taken for granted because someone didn't answer the phone for them..... they are most likely going to feel the same way, dismissed & taken for granted, with any excuse one would give them for why thay couldn't or didn't want to talk at the moment.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 53
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:43:12 AM

Ever get the sense that some people are like a rat experiment gone mad where they are conditioned to respond to bells?

NO LIE!!
And I agree with another poster who asked how you KNOW she sees it is you?
And yeah, quite often, when people have just finished doing something else annoying, stressful,tedious,or maybe they just got home from work/a funeral home visitation/helping a sick friend and they feel like their current fatigue, stress, nagativity would spill over into any other conversation entered into RIGHT NOW-and cause even more trouble.
Now, if your SO is standing you up on in-person activities, or breaking dates on short notice, that would be something different.
But refusing to let you reach out and CONTROL through the telephone?
Not so much.
Of course, if your frustration is in fact a symptom of a self-centered/controlling mindset, sooner or later a person who refuses to be servant to the telephone will also resist other control scenarios.
Cindy O
 ellena.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 54
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:45:52 AM
Op, you should be telling her how you feel/ think about his. Venting here won't change your situation
 * Eva *
Joined: 2/11/2010
Msg: 55
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:01:47 AM
That depends on the communication routine and how often you guys talk. To not answer for the hell of it it would be disrespectful, yes, and unsafe, if you could be calling with some type of emergency...but that could be your S.O.'s way of telling you that they don't wish to talk so often, or that they don't like being micromanaged.

My boyfriend would call me several times a day from the morning until night. I never asked him to do it nor kept any tabs on him nor I returned calls in an equal manner, but he'd do it and it was cool. But sometimes, if I didn't answer, he'd keep going again and again and again, 5-6 times on a road, until I finally did, not being mad that I didn't before, he just wanted to talk to me to keep on with his day...so eventually I learned that it wasn't about control, I'd respond and quickly say I was doing something, he'll be fine with it, and that was it.

As long as you do it with charm and sincerity, it'd be well received. Who can resist being loved/wanted so much? Just don't get accusatory or demanding 'cause you will turn her off.
 stayfit4life
Joined: 11/21/2009
Msg: 56
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:02:35 AM
She sounds like someone with a personality disorder. They will usually have that kind of attitude about things, even an SO.
 * Eva *
Joined: 2/11/2010
Msg: 57
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:04:05 AM

if someone is the type to feel dismissed or taken for granted because someone didn't answer the phone for them..... they are most likely going to feel the same way, dismissed & taken for granted, with any excuse one would give them for why thay couldn't or didn't want to talk at the moment.



Nicci, I couldn't agree more!
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 58
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:09:30 AM
I agree op when you are dealing with this type of scenario/relationship things like " I just didn't feel like answering the phone is not a real good reason to not answer the phone, if she would of said I was stressed about xyz and didn't answer because of that then that's a good reason, I just didn't feel like answering the phone is total BS and I wouldn't even let my friends do that one on me or they would no longer be my friend and they know it too.

I expect some form a reason not just I didn't feel like it however I agree with outmind below as well, first phone call I shrug it off but if its continuously repeated then that's a problem.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 59
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:12:21 AM
Is it JUST the phone? Some people don't like the phone and don't want to talk unless it's productive and they know it'll be brief. That's not necessarily personal - it may just be a preference. When you are together is she the same way about talking to you?

For some reason this reminds me of my mother. Before she moved out of state she'd call me on a Sunday and ask if I was coming for dinner. If I'd had a weekend where I worked two or three gigs, I'd be in no mood to leave the house Sunday. She'd take that as personal to her. I'd say I don't want to go anywhere. She'd say I'm not just anywhere, and on and on. To work with her on this, I offered to cook her dinner to come to my house - to that ironically she'd respond she liked to be home on Sundays...lol. It was just a manipulative thing.

OP - you may be a bit too sensitive about this. Perhaps you both have different phone habits. Maybe you feel talking a lot is part of a relationship, and maybe she feels talking on the phone a long time is unproductive - to her that's a good enough reason and to you it's not. In that case it'd be a shame to end things over something so silly.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 60
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:13:20 AM
Communication is a two way street. If I call and she doesn't answer, if it was something important, I leave a message. If it's not. I may call later, but if she then do not return calls, that is a problem. The thing is that many people cannot be answering the phone when they are at work, or they may be busy with talking with someone else. So as long as it does not become a one sided thing, I don't see a problem with it.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 61
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:40:51 AM
Wow, people feel really strongly about this issue.

Lots of times I don't answer the phone at home. I work in a very "public relations" type of job, an have commitments at least 3 evenings every week, so when I get home sometimes I don't want to see, think about or talk with any person other than my child. Even at the best of times, I don't really enjoy phone conversations.

I do agree with packagedeal post # 47,though. I would think, if you know for a fact she can see your number and is choosing not to answer and talk or tell you she's busy, that's a concern for whether she's really interested in you as a partner.

Nutt
 BBQ Spider
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 62
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:41:43 AM
This sounds a lot like a woman whose phone preferences are different from yours. I hate to say it so plainly, but you seem to be missing it.

I think credit should be given for being honest about it, instead of lying as many would "oh, sorry, didn't hear it ringing."

I also think, if this is early stages of a relationship, it's a relatively minor matter that can be negotiated with effective direct communication about it.

My B/F and immediate family are a top priority and their calls make it through where many do not.

But when my phone rings, I know who of my beloveds will or will not let me go, if I say "I'm in the middle of something, can I call you right back." Also I know who of them would be offended at the very idea of me asking that; and who will NOT let me off the hook (so to speak) until s/he has said all s/he called to say, unless I outright hang up. Which I will not do. So I just don't pick it up.

I do my screening according to their phone habits, not according to how much I love them or their importance to me in my life.

p.s. Usually these type questions come more from inexperienced daters, and less from selfless people who are honest, up front, and not afraid to ask for what they want -- puzzling if you'd be considering it a possible deal breaker without having informed her of how important it is to you?

edit: post # 14 is precious and should go down in the POF hall of fame if there is one.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 63
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:49:15 AM
I didn't read all the posts here but I read quite a few of them.
I guess I can see both sides of this issue.
If you see your significant other in the morning and then
again at night, I have no problem not having contact during
the day.
I can't imagine being with someone that I didn't see on a regular
basis because I didn't live with them or work with them or live
close to them and not wanting to talk to them.

I have caller ID and I often screen my calls, but I rarely refuse
to take a call from someone I consider important in my life.
And if I did choose to not take a call...I certainly wouldn't tell
them I didn't feel like talking to them.

I don't consider it needy to like to hear someone's voice on the
phone.

But to each their own.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 64
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:54:00 AM
I look at it like this, the phone rings I see it's my SO and say to myself "**** her, I'll call back when I feel like it" and then expect her to be okay with that. I see it as rude behavior.


I'm assuming the asterisks stand for "Fawk her, I'll call back when I feel like it"??

The above-mentioned example is showing no respect for your partner (if one uses the thought process/verbiage above). However, if you are having a crisis, etc...I don't see anything wrong with taking care of your business and then calling them back. So as long as you aren't guilty of doing this more often than not (for kicks).

If you leave a message, wait until they return the call. Don't blow up the phone calling again and again.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 65
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:03:41 AM
Ever get the sense that some people are like a rat experiment gone mad where they are conditioned to respond to bells?

I have to laugh at this. I guess some of us become desensitized to the noise and some react to it constantly.

I have friends like myself where when we get together the phones either get left in the car, placed on silent or at least get put on vibrate (which honestly isn't much better than a ring sometimes). When we go dancing the phones go in back pockets or purses or stay in the car. There are things we like to do that are just areas phones don't get used. We want to spend our time enjoying whatever it is we're doing without distraction.

I have other friends who when we get together they are checking every text, every call, every e-mail that comes in. I have friends who will pull a blackberry out in the middle of a dance floor and start writing/reading e-mail, or who will respond to stuff while on a treadmill. I have a friend who will make calls while walking her dog at the park. That's just nuts to me - but to each their own.

I'm not big on phones and I almost always screen. There are times I don't feel like being on a phone no matter what; other time where I will talk on the phone so long as there's a reason. When I get a call and I say "what's up?" when answering it's not a rhetorical question. In a nice way I'm asking what you want, or why you're calling. Getting the response "not much, what's up with you?" is annoying.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 66
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:06:35 AM
WOW...so many strong opinions in here on phone habits.

OP if you feel this strongly then you need to express this to her in a nonconfrontational way.

Truthfully, I am one that after a very long day... Sometimes I just don't have anything to say..Even listening to someone else is going to stress me more. I have ignored my phone whether it is a S/O, family member, etc. The only calls I don't ignore are work related in my field I can't. Period.

I was in a relatinship a while back, he would call me at least 6x day...I would try to tell him, I just need some absolute quiet time.. Then he would start in with okay but it is me.. you can tell me anything etc.... I had nothing to tell, I was exhausted etc.. It got to the point if I just didn't have anything to say and needed that me time. I would let it ring. Because I needed that down time,, and didn't feel I had to explain it each and everytime. Now if a message was left and said it was important I would call back. The problem with that became... I just had a bad day and needed to hear your voice, that is only going to work maybe once a week.

You talk about respect okay agreed, what about the repsect that your s/o needs some space.

If you can't talk about this and work something out that is a win win situation for both of you then I see a ending of relationship.
 Lovekraft
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 67
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:11:01 AM
If you have something urgent to say, leave a message. If she ignores it, then yes, that's a deal breaker. Undependable.

However, if you just saw each other and call too soon, you know why she isn't answering. Women like the challenge and couples need to recharge. She should understand where you're coming from, though, because this could lead to problems down the road like insecurity and jealousy.

What you gut tells you is that you find this highly inconsiderate. Welcome to dating in the 21st century.
 Vicshe
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 68
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:17:29 AM
OP didn't say she said she didn't feel like talking *to him* -- just that she didn't feel like talking. And, OP, the fact that she tells you this might be her way of saying that she doesn't like to talk on the phone so much and doesn't feel she needs to come up with any excuse not to answer. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't like talking to you.


If anybody makes multiple calls to me in a short period, the caller better have some time-sensitive reason for it. I guess I should also ask if you're leaving a message after the first call? I know some people think that calling and hanging up necessitates a return call. But I'm not one who checks my missed calls since it's my assumption that if someone wants me to call back, they'll leave a message.

Ditto. A ringing phone, to me, is an alert that somebody would like to talk to me. I do not feel compelled to pick up the phone at that moment, and I do not feel I'm being rude by not answering. I'll check my messages and return calls at a convenient time. I appreciate people who understand that and leave one message and don't whine about "Why didn't you pick up??!" I might be doing nothing at all but being alone with my thoughts. I don't need a reason that meets with your approval. Others are equally free not to pick up their phones when I call, as well. I don't take it as a personal affront. A ringing phone can be the same as a ringing doorbell when you're not expecting anyone: not a good time.
 whistledownthewind
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 69
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:22:07 AM

She sounds like someone with a personality disorder. They will usually have that kind of attitude about things, even an SO.


and here comes the 'personality disorder' response....lot of psychoanalysts on these forums.

I answer my phone if I feel like it. I am the boss of my phone, it is not the boss of me.
 Just_Jay79
Joined: 10/11/2005
Msg: 70
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:25:29 AM
Whenever I hear this argument I always laugh and think back to my simplistic 80's youth where there was no call display, and not everyone even had an answering machine.

Believe it or not boys and girls, there was actually **gasp** a time where you called somebody and they weren't around, willing or able to answer the phone, and you had no choice but to sit tight and call back later hoping you got a hold of them. When you finally DID reach them, you didn't launch into a tirade berating them for not being there at your beck and call...


Fast forward to today, and we have an instant-reply demand society, where if someone can't reach you on THEIR time frame within 10 seconds, they have a hissy fit.

(1) If you didn't leave a voicemail the first time, you have no right to complain about not getting a response
(2) Even if you DID leave a voicemail, it by no means guarantees an immediate response, but at least precludes the need for a second follow-up call an hour later. They'll get back to you when they get back to you.
(3) If for some reason they STILL don't call you back, suck it up and wait it out like a grown-up. If you're dying in an emergency, your calling energies are better directed towards 9-1-1 anyway...
 iyamnot
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 71
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:31:12 AM
I think Msg, 64 said it just fine. If I had an SO, that didn't like to be bothered, I'd find
one that did. Quit calling for a while. Or , when she calls, don't answer. Might be
rough, but try it for a while. Let her see how insignificant it makes her feel.
You allow yourself to be a doormat, so you will get stepped on.
 WobblyAngelWings4Now
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 72
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:35:30 AM
I agree with the majority and feel I shouldn't HAVE to answer my phone unless I truly want to. I actually feel it is more rude to pick up the phone and blurt out "I am busy/whatever and will call you back" than to just not answer it. If the person leaves a vm I will generally listen to it right away and then determine when I can call them back. I have a friend that I love dearly but she is also very sensitive and I can hear her 'hurt' feelings if I need to cut her phone calls short, so I don't call or answer her calls unless I know I have enough time for a 'real' chat. I have told her that she can call me anytime and 'if' I am 'available' I will talk with her, if not leave a message and I'll call back when I have the time. There really are times, like so many have mentioned, when a person does not want to 'chat'. If I had a SO I would certainly hope he understood that because otherwise he wouldn't be my SO for very long.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 73
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:38:50 AM
I can't imagine not answering the phone when my SO called and I can't imagine being with someone who didn't answer.

People of quality in good relationships don't treat each other like this.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 74
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:46:19 AM
The truth of the matter is even if when we can't pick up the phone or don't feel like it, if we were to pick up and say "I'm sorry I don't feel like talking right now", there would be a ton of hurt feelings no matter how much anyone would deny this. Most likely you would get responses like this to "I don't feel like talking".....

But why?Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me? Come on just talk to me for a minute(meanwhile an hour later....),you must not love me if you don't want to talk to me every single second of every single day,something must be wrong with you if you don't want to talk so tell me what it is(they berate you for an hour despite your protest that nothing is wrong) etc...

That is the most likely response you would get to answering the phone when you are busy or don't feel like chatting. I personally hate the phone and hate talking on the thing. I suppose that comes from when I did telemarketing for so many years, but even before that I hated talking to a disembodied voice no matter who it was. Not all of us are chatty Cathy phone people.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 75
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:56:33 AM
I think post 71 and 73 and several of you are missing the point. It's not about not answering phone because you were out at work or something. It is about not answering the phone because you just didn't feel like picking it up and you didn't give a better reason other than I just didn't feel like picking it up, as I said I think that is total BS,
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