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 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 51
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jealousy what does it meanPage 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I know it's a little late, OP, but I'm surprised you didn't do a forum search before starting yet another thread on a subject that has been done to death.

In case you didn't realize, this is a forum rule they take seriously, saying we must not start redundant threads, or we could lose our posting privileges.

 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 52
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 12:52:25 PM

"Jealousy is defined as a protective reaction to a** preceived threat **to a valued relationship,arising from a situation in which the situation partner's involvement with the activity and /or another person is contrary to the jealous person's definition of their relationship."


Thank you commonsens, this is only one of the ground that stimulate a person with low steem to be jealous,a person can be jealous of the success of others , ect.etc..a wo/man can be jealous of her husband kindness to his parent,siblings...
My friend was so jealous (a threat of her husband son,) and kick out his son of his house,of course the father side his son. I told her that he can replace her with a 100 women but he can not replace his son ..... Now she is angry at me ,and I don't care.

If person knows her great value NOTHING is a threat to her for she knows that SHE is the BEST shots of the world...

If a man insinuate a jealousy to let me know that he cares for me I think that is an infantile mentality, that turns me off. I don't need to explain myself everytime there is "an assume " threathening scenario, or apologized to others of the tantrum behavior of my partner.... He is out ,and kick to the curb... Vannili
 RonnieB77
Joined: 8/1/2009
Msg: 53
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 1:49:37 PM
>>>>>>I know it's a little late, OP, but I'm surprised you didn't do a forum search before starting yet another thread on a subject that has been done to death.

In case you didn't realize, this is a forum rule they take seriously, saying we must not start redundant threads, or we could lose our posting privileges.<<<<<<

I challange you to start a new thread that is in the correct catagory but isn't redundant.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 54
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 2:16:15 PM
I once heard two definitions that made a lot of sense to me....
jealousy is the fear of losing something...
envy is wishing for something another has.

I believe both emotions are destructive and can undermine confidence, relationships...and ultimately love...
because they seem to originate from illusions based on an imagined fear....

Jealousy being based on the imagined fear of losing something we never owned anyway.....like another's actions or feelings.
Envy is based on the imagined fear of not having enough.


(And to the above poster, if you saw my post as a challenge to start an original thread, I'm sorry....you were mistaken.
Truthfully, I was worried how it might come across when I realized the page had turned with that post glaring!)
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 55
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 2:44:24 PM
I think jealousy and envy are related ... like if my man is talking to a beautiful lady I envied the lady that my man is giving an animated attention and I feel jealous >,THREATEN that I might lose my man to that lady because I am not beautiful...

My theory is base on feelings ...
I felt that envy/selfishness is diversified on jealousy....

I think jealousy is base on undivided attention enslaving a person , Losing something or someone is fear of lack.. Envy is a feeling of discontent of oneself and hatred or ill will to others..........
We Are 1 and I have no debate for it is the same theory with different angle. Vannili The
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 56
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:00:07 PM
no vanili..you jumped groups as usual and arrived to the conclusion you wanted based on biased interpretation!

A jealous person can have extremely high self esteem just as much as a person with extremely low self esteem can be not jealous at all!

according to you: The fact that someone have a ***protective reaction*** toward another means that the protector is having low self esteem???? ( quite the opposite in fact!)

doesn't fit your theory at all.

To say that jealousy is automatically based on fear, anger or "low self esteem" is to over simplify and to stereotype, that's college psychology!
Why do you think the the entire scientific community is going ga-ga trying to figure this one out? Because NOBODY have a clue what truly 1) generate it 2) side effects or influences! That's what I've been saying all day long and by quoting this latest research: do not try to pin which...no one does know and also, it is never the same in every case! You will arrive to the WRONG conclusion or to the WRONG reasons!
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 57
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:13:42 PM

Any "man" or woman that would find jealousy, even a small dose as remotely flattering has a serious ego complex and all the depth of a teaspoon.

and any person incapable to understand one of the simplest human behavior is either a liar trying to pull off a show or have the IQ equal to a doorknob.

I rest my case.


it never fails to amaze me to just what lengths they will go to present to most absurd and c0ckamamie premises they can possibly come up with to accomplish it.

yeah, much easier to simply send a couple of aggressive and pathetic private messages as you do , right?

I rest my case.


Jealousy, though a natural emotion, is useless. I do not find it flattering at all. If my woman starts pulling the jealous crap she will get a stern lecture and instructions to knock it off...to cease and desist...she will get one and only one warning. She pulls it again, she's done.

A typical reaction of deep narcissic personality with passive aggressive, control and possessive problems too. (she will get a stern lecture and instructions to knock it off). Funny how some people drop their mask without even realizing it when properly oriented and display to all to see whom they really are.

I rest my case.


Maybe I haven't been paying enough attention to my partner...maybe I haven't been as kind or as patient or haven't made the effort to be and look my best or maybe my partner who normally is a cool level headed guy who is normally okay with my imperfections (as I am with his) is going through a rough period or feeling a little insecure and needs a little more reassurance, a little more love (and lovin';) than usual, all of which is normal.

You're entitled to feel how you want or need to feel. But after reading that paragraph it just makes me realize even more why I DO NOT tolerate jealousy.

Insecure...reassurance...not enough attention...and so on. Yea, you out there who appreciate jealousy can have that and work with it. All the power to you. Embrace it and roll around in it if you feel the need. I just know that it has no place or bearing in my life.

If the woman in my life has it so "rough" in her life that she feels jealousy is gonna accomplish anything, then she's clearly too dumb for me to date. I'd be safer dating a potted plant or a head of lettuce.

Jealousy leads to validation. That need will become exponential in short order. If she is that insecure with herself or her life that she can't possibly fend for herself and requires my validation; then she's an annoyance, a hindrance, and a burden. She will be discarded with the hopes that somehow, some day she can pull herself together to spare the next man in her life the chore of being her personal validation machine.

 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 58
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:19:21 PM
re: messgae 56...."biased interpretation"...Well, yes...isn't that what everyone here writes? It's all one's opinion....if you think there is one iota of objectivity here, I think you're delusional.
My post was clearly saying from the very beginning those definitions I had heard made sense to me....purely subjective. I never said they are absolute fact.
What I feel from your post is a very angry reaction and I have no idea why - are you feeling jealous? :)
Actually, seriously, could you lighten up?
My belief is jealousy and envy are not real outside of the energy we give them.
And that's why I feel they are especially destructive.....a bit like hate. It's not an objective emotion....if any emotion is objective, for that matter.
So, to get back on topic with the Original Post's question - no, I do not feel any form of jealousy is healthy....but then, it was asked of men only ----so, oh oh, here we go again ---this thread technically belongs in the 'ask a guy' forums.....where a great many of those other jealousy threads are.
 Juste moi Danielle
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 59
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:31:58 PM
BDJ...I have already explained (quite extensively I thought) that I am not by nature a jealous person. I don't "do" jealousy or jealous people.

However, I don't know one man, one woman or one child who doesn't need some kind of external validation.

Telling my man that he did a great job with dinner is validating him, his actions, his presence, his devotion, his kindness....my validating him (aka appreciating, recognising, taking notice, etc.) is part of what people who love and appreciate (aka not take each other for granted) do, in my opinion and experience anyway.

The human need to be validated, or heard, is not a weakness or a flaw...it's at the very core of our nature. It has nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity...it's like comparing apples and oranges.

Anyway, to each their own but think of this (if you will)...posting and debating our views and opinions on this very forum is a form of validation...just because it's not done face to face or with someone we personally know (or love) doesn't make it less so.

 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 60
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:39:10 PM
Commonsense : Life is 2 way street, there is no wrong or right it is the result of how you accept it.. if it work for you or not... If I have a high self steem why would I be threaten if my man is talking to a beautiful woman ??? for the reason that I have intelligence and I know that I can not protect my man by jealousy or belittling (anger) myself infront of my man .


to say that jealousy is automated based on fear,anger or "low self esteem" is to over simplify and to sterotype,that's college psychology!


For me ,jealousy is an emotional feeling of resentful envious of losing a person to that *another person *.. If the said person have a self steem she won't care if his man will leave her or not... she knows that she can not restrain him if he doesn't want her anymore.
I don't care if my theory is a college psychology or street smart psychology but it work like a charm for me and on others too... My gambit is I never tell people that THEY ARE WRONG for sharing their opinion, ,knowledge derived from personal experiences,observation on people ,theories, and philosophys, for I know that I am a fallable person like the rest of the people of the world.. That's what makes me different from YOU.....
Vannili ,The Shark.
 RonnieB77
Joined: 8/1/2009
Msg: 61
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:40:08 PM
I think jealousy is paranoia when love is involved.

I'm kind of a low level paranoid, low enough that it is kind of a gift at times. I over-think human interaction. In certain situations I'm asking myself, am I being paranoid or am I not being paranoid enough? I separate the known from the unknown and put percentages on the unknowns. Try to get more information and eliminate unknowns. And then I play chess with the whole scenario. So useful when it comes to factional infighting inside of organizations, negotiations, and dealing with relationships of all kinds.

I think there are situations where a person has to ask them-self, am I being jealous or not jealous enough? But the best thing is to only get close to trustworthy people, take an attitude that this person would never consider betraying you, and know that if they do it is just game over. Whoever this person is cheating with can please just take over payments.

There are behaviors that are not cheating, but are certainly disrespectful, passive aggressive and obnoxious. It is also like walking on eggshells to deal with them. The opposite sex 'friend' who obviously doesn't want to just be a friend. I know she isn't going to cheat, but still it is obnoxious bring this person into the mix. So obnoxious, but if you say a word you come off as insecure and jealous. I act like I could care less, which is really the only way to play it. But the cost is resentment. And resentment builds like a savings account.

Unrestrained jealousy is infantile. Any show of jealousy is a demonstration of weakness and insecurity. But people who don't worry about bad appearances, little disrespects, or passive aggressive behavior are slowly tearing apart their relationship.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 62
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:50:55 PM


OMG. vannili ..how simplistic...read again the WHOLE thing (love the partial quotes too)

what was said? mmmhh?

1) NO ONE knows exactly what it is
2) to label it as low self esteem (AS YOU DO) is incorrect because YOU do not know at all..No one does!!

That's what make the REAL difference between you and me; I do not jump to easy conclusions or stereotypes.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 63
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:57:51 PM
There's not much info to go on from the OP, but jealousy in any form or amount is unhealthy. It does nothing to foster any individual or relationship if the term is being used properly and understood.

People should establish boundaries in relationships and what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Jealousy is a sign of either unhappiness or insecurity, perhaps even both. If someone were to have a pang of jealousy, it'd be time to look at themselves and/or the relationship and try to figure out why they're feeling that way.

Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship or a healthy person.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 64
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:58:53 PM

However, I don't know one man, one woman or one child who doesn't need some kind of external validation.

Telling my man that he did a great job with dinner is validating him, his actions, his presence, his devotion, his kindness....my validating him (aka appreciating, recognising, taking notice, etc.) is part of what people who love and appreciate (aka not take each other for granted) do, in my opinion and experience anyway.

Ok, now we're going from one extreme to another.

Maybe I should've included the word "enough" in my post? Maybe that woulda clarified where I didn't think clarity would be needed?

Validation is something people do daily. Like you said, this can take the simple guise of letting them know you enjoyed the meal they cooked, or the fact that even though it was YOUR night to take out the trash they did it for you "just because" so you appreciate that and say thanks. Someone holds a door to the elevator for you, you say thanks. Little things we mostly all do each day.

I get it.

What I'm talking about, and the point you must have missed, is the ones that will use jealousy to GET validation, and then enough is never gonna be enough. It will become exponential. Their insecurities will bleed through daily and it will become an unpaid JOB to validate them every time you're near them. THAT is what I have no time or patience for.

There has to be an "enough".

I shouldn't have to abandon all my friends to spend time with her. I shouldn't have to walk around with blinders on and cut off ALL my female friends because she may feel "threatened" by another woman in my life. I shouldn't have to "check in" frequently throughout the day. I shouldn't have to guess what's on her mind when I ask and she says "Nothing". I shouldn't have to...

Well you get the point. Insecurities and jealousy are unhealthy. I will never see that differently. It is cumbersome and unrealistic to include it in my life. I have enough on my plate to deal with and have no desire to willingly add more nonsense irrational drama to it. If I sense that I will have to change my entire life and lifestyle and habits and social circles JUST to appease her insecurities, which will lead to jealous impulses...it just ain't worth it. I couldn't be bothered.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 65
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 3:58:54 PM

However, I don't know one man, one woman or one child who doesn't need some kind of external validation


I have to say, I agree with this ^^^. It's just human, to enjoy being appreciated by those we love, whether one wants to term it 'validation' or just enjoying being appreciated. There are possibly a few in the world who are so entirely selfless, that this wouldn't make a difference to them either way, but I'd guess likely they are few and far between.

IMO, OP, jealousy has two sides, and needs to be taken on an individual basis. For example, if I am dating someone, and say I leave the table to go to the restroom, or something like that. During that time, another woman comes up and hits on him, and he turns her down politely. I don't tend to date people I don't trust, so why would I get upset and react irrationally jealously, to an event he didn't initiate? After all, if I find the man attractive, it stands to reason that other women would as well. So, we'd likely have a good laugh and tease about it, nothing more.

On the flip side...if it was a common occurence that a man I was dating, would deliberately tell me about every instance during his day, that another woman hit on him, deliberately TRYING to provoke a jealous response on my part? I'd lose interest in a heartbeat, because then I'd wonder why he was feeling that insecure, that he was trying to provoke me for that reaction. If there was a valid reason for it, if he was feeling neglected for some reason, from me? I'd expect him to have communicated that to me, so that I could realize if, or how, I wasn't fulfilling his needs, within reason....BEFORE resorting to the juvenile tactic of trying to make me deliberately jealous.

That's just my take on it. But I should probably also admit, the ego-insecure don't fare too well in relationships with me. Whether that's their lacking, or mine, I still haven't determined yet.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 66
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 4:08:25 PM
Commonsense : We are different mind and we are useful to the world, I would like to know anyone with high self steem that is very jealous ( resentment of others action ) of any thing or anyone.. Imaginary or Real...

If you think I jump to conclusion or stereotypes, that is just one man opinion and I am not bother.. I gave my share of feed back in this forum the way I percieved the topic..
and I don't lacerate the ego of other people because their opinion is different from my opinion.. It is freedom of speech.

Vannili The Shark

P.S. Yes it is REAL difference between you and me you are the noise and I am the down Earth
{:-)
 RonnieB77
Joined: 8/1/2009
Msg: 67
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 5:03:54 PM
^^^^^^Hi V.......Tiger's wife.
 kayliecat
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 68
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/27/2010 5:27:13 PM
Jealousy is a feeling and as such is neither right nor wrong. The reaction to it, however, can be right or wrong. And the circumstances that bring it on can be right or wrong.

Using jealousy to control your partner is most definitely wrong, in my book.

Using jealousy to examine your own behavior is more ok. I have felt jealousy, actually, in this last week. And I did examine it...tried to figure out why I felt that way. It was helpful for me. My jealousy was over a "perceived" threat, not an actual threat. And I wanted to know why I felt that way.

BTW, interesting that the person quoted Buss...I have the book evolution of desire as well. No, haven't read it. BUT I did base my senior thesis in college on some of his work. He had previously studied jealousy and differences in males and females. He found (and has been found many times) that males get more jealous over sexual infidelities and women more jealous over emotional infidelities.

I added attachment style to the mix. And no, I didn't find anything interesting. But the way I did it was sorta neat. I had guys and girls sit in a room (alone) and imagine their partner cheating on them, in an emotional infidelity scenario, and in a sexual infidelity scenario. And then I measured biophysical changes in them, heart rate, muscle tensing, blood pressure, and self-reports. I found the usual male/female differences. Of course both make most people jealous. Or pissed. LOL

OK, to spill my guts to you guys...but this does tie in... I am seeing someone "nonexclusively". and yeah it sorta sucks, but neither of us are ready to get tied down to someone. So anyway, he was talking about hanging out w/a female friend (just a friend) andthat they had talked about how having sex would affect their friendship. This doesn't mean they will do it, but he was sharing the convo. And I got jealous. Very.

So I tried to figure out why. After all, I have no problem seeing other guys if I want to, and I have in the past.

Well...here's the thing. IF I knew it was just a hookup and no emotions involved, it doesn't bother me "much"....the fear is that he'll fall for her. The jealousy is that he'll fall for her. Esp b/c she's already a friend.

Which is sorta funny, if you think about it....I just talked about how women get more jealous over emotional attachments/infidelities than sexual. (b/c it's the fear of him LIKING her that worries me)

And no, they haven't hooked up. (doubt they will)(hope they won't)
 Chill Pill
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 69
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/28/2010 4:44:14 PM
Your question is directed to men, I know I have near ruined relationships with men in my past because of jealousy.

In a nut shell jealousy was for me a feeling of being EXCLUDED.

I however near demolished his desire to include me in anything because of my own insecurity and my own issues.

I was insulting his integrity. It was painful for him. I recollect this now, but at the time I was to foolish and self absorbed and needy to realize what I was doing.

I too, believe jealousy is a normal human emotion but it is an indication of a symptom of a problem existing in YOU, not in your partner.

I had to recognize my shallow attempts for attention, and validation and assurance through jealousy were futile and infantile and ultimately why the relationship failed.
It was me, not him.

No. I don't think the man was flattered. I think I hurt him. I think I insulted him and was accusatory. He was trustworthy and I mistreated him.

If I could have approached him with grace and some dignity and owned that it was my problem I could have spared the relationship a lot of damage... but I was to immature at the time to see jealousy for what it was or why it existed in me.

I may have justified it at the time as a normal human emotion which it is, but a destructive one and my problem, not his.

""What I'm talking about, and the point you must have missed, is the ones that will use jealousy to GET validation, and then enough is never gonna be enough. ""

This is so true Daddy. If one does not heal themselves with jealuosy they become an empty well. There is never enough said to validate that person. It can't be fixed with another person, another thing. Confidence, self esteem, self appraisal, self love the things that give us freedom from the pain of jealousy can only be gifted to oneself. No one can truly help you value yourself if you don't. It's an INSIDE job...and not an outside fix. The void has to be filled up with your own self worth... not anothers opinion or desire for you.


 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 70
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/28/2010 4:57:47 PM

I find jealous in general to be non-plussing. At first I might feel flattered. My personality is NOT to seek attention, and I'm not a big flirt, so my girlfriend in general shouldn't feel jealous about my behavior or me. If I sense jealousy on her part, we would have a discussion about this, to allay her worries. If she continued to play "jealousy cards" with me, I'd probably discontinue the relationship--I wish not to be involved with drama queens seeking to inject melodrama into their lives in order to feel some sort of emotional rush. I don't need nor want that in my life.


Oh I so agree with you.. It is a very negative emotion that one can experience from time to time. Learn to be a lid on it and get rid of it.. It does not feel good and only creates drama that we could well live without.

I would not want to be involved with a drama king again. This man had to sit and watch my hair dresser trim my hair!!!!!! Talk about taking the surprise value away of coming home with a new do.. Was not about to happen. Instead he had to see me with my hair soaking wet and being strung out to dry..

Lovely
thecatsmeoww
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 71
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/28/2010 5:26:31 PM
i think feelings of jealousy are proportionate to how well loved you are. if he/she includes you, cares for your feelings, doesn't need to seek attention from the opposite sex etc.... one rarely feels it.

i have noticed that when i stay aware of my so's comfort level in respect to my interactions with the opposite sex, the man feels quite secure. pretty simple stuff. amazes me how many people on these forums want to explore so many nebulous angles of jealousy. why not just put the feelings of the person you sleep with as high priority?
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 72
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:08:53 PM

why not just put the feelings of the person you sleep with as high priority?

Because there's another word we use for those types...

E-N-A-B-L-E-R-S.

Anything else?
 *.*.*GET-to-KNOW-me!*.*.*
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 73
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:23:57 PM
I can only speak for me...

Everytime a girl acts jealous and controlling of me - i feel like she cares and is really into me and thinks that im special.

If it doesnt spiral out of control..it can be quite the turn on.




 Chasing~Cars
Joined: 1/4/2010
Msg: 74
jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/28/2010 6:39:12 PM

Everytime a girl acts jealous and controlling of me - i feel like she cares and is really into me and thinks that im special.


Keep that thought and see how cute it is when you're older.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 75
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jealousy what does it mean
Posted: 2/28/2010 7:04:01 PM
amazes me how many people on these forums want to explore so many nebulous angles of jealousy.*why not just put the feelings of the person you sleep with as high priority ?


No one put the feelings of another person whom they sleep with as priority,it is always the priority of ONESELF for no one would want to be a shadow with someone and that is a fact.
To bond with someone is 50/50 give and take >>>responsibility and loving ...............................
One man that I know from work he work 2 jobs to make his non working beautiful wife happy, she gamble his earning according to him and he don't care as long as she is happy, he found out that his wife have a lover,he gave a 100% on monetary but he was not able to provide his time of romancing her ,that was her complained..
To live a life is a balance of enable.
We can not control people jealous feelings, but we can stop them when they point on us....


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