Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Falling over the phone…      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 midlandtom
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 26
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
And why NOT? If you are looking for relationship, you talk with a person few times they have qualities and characterisics you are looking for, they send you their picture. Sure you may start falling in love.
I know a couple who were talking on some byking blogs about sports. Nothing more. One day he was in her twon e-mailed her and wanted to show up in her house. So, by the end of this house date he proposed (like witin hours) and she said yes. They have been married about 5-6 years. Marrige goes well. They are both in their 50s, professionals, college degrees, both are divorced with kids. And as far as I know she slept with him right on the spot so to speak. They are both normal lovely poeple.
 Kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 27
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 12:47:06 PM
Well ghostdog, I must admit, I am not always one of your fans but I think you are right here.

some folks DO sex people knowing their is no potential, but honestly not everyone is looking for potential. some folks even judge the sexual encounters as a way to determine who they go further with.

and no- for folks with this angle, their conscience does not eat at them because they are only in it for what they can get out of it.


but...


just like "relationship only" folks are only in it for themselves and if they can hook someone into a relationship. their conscience does not bother them to hold out on sex.


I don't think you can hook someone into a relationship, and it's not their conscience that doesn't bother them regrading holding out it's just that they have morals. If they find someone of equal morality that also meets other criteria...clothes will be shed and fun will be had.

Me personally, I am a relationship person. That does not mean I hold out indefinitely but my preference is not to jump in before I have had the chance to get to know the person. It also does not mean that I have expectations of an instant relationship once we have fooled around.

The type of guy from the post that got this started I would never even find attractive. They come off as egotistical jerks.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 28
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 12:54:03 PM

Well ghostdog, I must admit, I am not always one of your fans but I think you are right here.


some folks DO sex people knowing their is no potential, but honestly not everyone is looking for potential. some folks even judge the sexual encounters as a way to determine who they go further with.

and no- for folks with this angle, their conscience does not eat at them because they are only in it for what they can get out of it.


but...



just like "relationship only" folks are only in it for themselves and if they can hook someone into a relationship. their conscience does not bother them to hold out on sex.


I don't think you can hook someone into a relationship, and it's not their conscience that doesn't bother them regrading holding out it's just that they have morals. If they find someone of equal morality that also meets other criteria...clothes will be shed and fun will be had.

Me personally, I am a relationship person. That does not mean I hold out indefinitely but my preference is not to jump in before I have had the chance to get to know the person. It also does not mean that I have expectations of an instant relationship once we have fooled around.

The type of guy from the post that got this started I would never even find attractive. They come off as egotistical jerks.


don't worry kimmie i always convert 'em over to my side once you listen to my BS long enough. :) you'll be singing my praises before long with everyone of my posts

i'm nost sure if its a "hook" per se but it is some folks solely search out relationships. but what it is is when a "relationship" person finds someone NOT looking for a relationship and they give that person a full court press.

suddenly the one "not looking" for a relationship starts to think - "you know, this person is kinda different than the last 10-15 i've been out with, i wanna know them more"

only to find themselves dropping their guard somewhat and decide to hook up with this person in a relationship. then the 'relationship' person is 3-4 plus months into this thing walking on water and they need a breather so they can return to their normalselves.

that's what i call a "hooking someone in a relationship"
 Kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 29
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 12:58:17 PM
Hey BDJ...thanks for playing along...Still want that coffee?....lol


<div class="quote">If one is so childish as to place feelings or expectations to sex - then that person played themselves. They do it to themselves...they set themselves up for failure...they bring on their own disappointment. The better question would be more along the lines of "Have we really become a society that has ZERO personal accountability or responsibility that we have to blame someone else for everything that happens in our lives?"

THAT would be the better question.

I completely agree with you on this.

Put it in this perspective though...
You talk to a girl and based on phone conversations you are into each other. She may have built up this dream fantasy that you are it, the bomb diggity....whatever...You agree to meet, you catch on to how she feels. You in turn though do not get that feeling. She is ok, but not even looking for date number two. Do you say "gotta go, you're nice but not for me" or because you have the in you take her home, take her to bed never letting her think that this is it. You are never to be heard from again.
That's just blatently using someone.

I get that they are both adults and consenting and that maybe she is being childish with her relationship thought process but in this case I just think the guy would be better to walk away than play with someone that way.

I know there is way more to this and I value everyones perspective.
 gone with
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 30
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 1:01:16 PM
I fail to see the confusion here. Women want sex, men sometimes want sex...
Everyone want sex.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 31
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 1:07:30 PM
OP, in one sense, I see the logic of your question although I doubt you will get too many responses from the disappeared to decipher their motivations.

I think if you are the disappeared on, it shouldn't matter. You learned possibly that you should spend some more time with someone before jumping in the sack but also if you enjoyed it at the time, whether he/she knew they weren't sticking around or thought they would and for whatever reason had a change of heart, they're gone so it really doesn't matter.

You can either stew about whether they did you wrong, were having some type of Alzheimer's moment with no intent to hurt, or you can enjoy a pleasant memory and adjust future behavior accordingly.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 32
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 1:10:04 PM

Hey BDJ...thanks for playing along...Still want that coffee?....lol

Sure. I'll even let you pay :P heh


Put it in this perspective though...
You talk to a girl and based on phone conversations you are into each other. She may have built up this dream fantasy that you are it, the bomb diggity....whatever...

No no no...that's not "perspective" that's changing the story. You said "perfect" in your OP. "Perfect" and "into each other" are not the same in any context. So really, all you're doing is trying to find a way to support your own OP by now changing the context...

Shame.


You agree to meet, you catch on to how she feels. You in turn though do not get that feeling. She is ok, but not even looking for date number two.

So she's "ok" but not looking for a second date? And clearly I have no return on her overinflated sense of how awesome I am?

Ok.


Do you say "gotta go, you're nice but for me" or because you have the in you take her home, take her to bed never letting her think that this is it. You are never to be heard from again.
That's just blatently using someone.

If she can't tell that her overinflated sense of me being super awesome is not shared, then who am I really dating here? A sprig of lettuce? A cabbage? Does this chick NOT have a single IQ point to rely on in times of crisis?

And sorry...whether it's an "in" or not, there is still NO "using" anyone here. If these two adults decide to have sex, then they have sex. If one is never heard from again, then this is just the way it is. If one assumes that just because they've had sex this "means something"...the onus for responsibility is solely on them.

Sorry...you can try as hard as you want - two people who engage in consensual sex will never be seen as being "used" unless it's by the one that had unrealistic and childish expectations placed on their person. Changing your own OP a hundred times won't change that. Outside of RAPE, which is a clear definition of "using" someone...this is an argument that you can never justify. It's just sour grapes, and nothing more.

But no "using" has taken place. None will ever take place. None can take place. It's a zero-sum game.

Quit while you're ahead.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 33
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 2:11:30 PM

You talk to a girl and based on phone conversations you are into each other. She may have built up this dream fantasy that you are it, the bomb diggity....whatever...You agree to meet, you catch on to how she feels. You in turn though do not get that feeling. She is ok, but not even looking for date number two. Do you say "gotta go, you're nice but not for me" or because you have the in you take her home, take her to bed never letting her think that this is it. You are never to be heard from again.
That's just blatently using someone.

nonsense. a user employs deceit. the only deceit in this scenario is self-deceit - the woman's 'dream fantasy.' a man is not responsible for protecting an adult female from herself. in fact, he's doing her an unwitting favor by exposing her faulty thought process. hopefully she's capable of learning.

also, your word choice does a disservice to adult women, betraying the notion of powerlessness as it does. 'he takes' her home. 'he takes' her to bed. again, nonsense, barring rape. she's an equal participant.

the woman in this scenario is behaving like a child. other adults are not responsible for vetoing her childish decisions. if she refuses to grow up, that's on her.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 34
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 3:10:14 PM

Why do people allow this to happen?


Last I heard its still illegal to chain someone to the bed.
 CaramelSweetness2
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 35
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 3:39:37 PM
"nonsense. a user employs deceit. the only deceit in this scenario is self-deceit - the woman's 'dream fantasy.' a man is not responsible for protecting an adult female from herself. in fact, he's doing her an unwitting favor by exposing her faulty thought process. hopefully she's capable of learning."

After reading through all the posts it seems that no one is even considering the fact of what these "two" people discussed in their numerous talks over the phone. I disagree with the poster I quoted above. I believe if the other party (the guy) spoke to the woman and clearly led her to believe that he was indeed interested in a long term relationship and said all positive things to her leading her to believe that "she" was being considered to be LTR material to him, than he is clearly the "DECEIVER = player" in this scenario. If a person outrightly seeks to deceive someone and is successful in his "game" why is it always the "other persons" fault? I don't get why it is ALWAYS a woman's fault when she "supposedly" becomes intimate with a guy and he bounces. Yes, ok ok, she should know better as you all say.... but what about the guy? Isn't he too at fault for outrightly manipulating her???? Some guys will say all kinds of wonderful things over the phone/emails/texts to accomplish their goals. It is 100% manipulation! I will never understand why men and WOMEN alike always blame the woman for this.

I agree OP - that guy you spoke about was an ASS! with a capitol A!!!
 Kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 36
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 3:46:07 PM
^^^Thank you Caramel...

Sorry for the word choice, meant no disservice. This could be either way, I never should have genderized it. Just my original issue was from a guys perspective.

What I'm trying to get at is when two people who have gone from talking on the phone, thinking they have each found a decent person, (or a perfect person,which yes is silly from just phone conversations), once they meet one of them determines NO, the other is not decent or perfect, basically they decide for whatever reason they have no intention of going on date two with them. However, they do not make the other aware they are no longer interested, maybe even lead them to believe that they are still interested. So now one person is thinking this is cool, the other person is thinking well, I know they are into me so I'm going to use it to my advantage and does. They have sex and then disappear. Yes, they were equal participants in the act itself but each had different motivators.

The person in question admits to getting in their heads, brags about getting them in bed on the first date and leaves the next day. They have found a weak link, they know it, it's wrong. Normally I wouldn't let a random poster that I don't know from Adam get under my skin but his post just struck me wrong today.

Not here to debate whether it is right or wrong to have sex on the first date. That is for each individual and situation. For those that do and feel victimized well shame on them. I get that part.



don't worry kimmie i always convert 'em over to my side once you listen to my BS long enough. :) you'll be singing my praises before long with everyone of my posts

ghostdog...keep callin' me kimmie and there will be no praises sung...lol



Quit while you're ahead.

BDJ...I never quit, not my style, really not trying to change the story just want to better explain it.
Now, I have to drive 1300 miles and pay. I'll pay for mine...lol.



I fail to see the confusion here. Women want sex, men sometimes want sex...
Everyone want sex.

Gone with...the above is so true. How did men get the sometimes? I thought it was 24/7 for them....j/k
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 37
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 6:10:09 PM

don't worry kimmie i always convert 'em over to my side once you listen to my BS long enough. :) you'll be singing my praises before long with everyone of my posts


ghostdog...keep callin' me kimmie and there will be no praises sung...lol



lol i knew u'd love that little term of endearment! :)
 edencapwell
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/1/2010 6:56:41 PM
oh, i thought you meant that you tripped on the phone, oops.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/2/2010 6:46:21 PM
Caramel is correct Kimber, it is deceitful and cruel but what are we really looking for? You and I know that it is but the people that do it either don't get that or they don't care or both.

If someone wants to get past that even going down that road of thinking is going to hurt so why just not say well, whatever the reason, he isn't hear, had a nice time and now it's time to move on and meet someone else.

How deep the disappointment is, is a choice and I think when one sits ruminating on the motives of the Houdini, there really is no good to come of it. It won't help you spot the next one and could even make it harder for you to date at all if you allow yourself to be suspicious of everyone you meet.
 Kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 40
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/2/2010 7:16:14 PM

How deep the disappointment is, is a choice and I think when one sits ruminating on the motives of the Houdini, there really is no good to come of it. It won't help you spot the next one and could even make it harder for you to date at all if you allow yourself to be suspicious of everyone you meet.


So true...I guess I'm lucky that I have a relatively quick rebound rate. Part of that is because good. bad or other wise I know I have either played a part in or allowed a situation to happen. As I mentioned, I generally don't allow myself to get into the type of situation in my post. If I were to find myself sitting alone in the morning, it's a simple palm upside the head saying stupid, stupid, stupid!!! LOL

Until I read that I wasn't even thinking from the perspective of the person left behind. I was truely pondering why anyone would knowingly have sex with someone when they determined that they had no interest in them, yet knowing the other person was interested. At what point during the first date did it get to... this person is a turn off but I know they dig me so I'm gonna feck them because I can.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/2/2010 7:24:41 PM
I kind of had a light bulb moment a few years back when I found myself wondering if someone cared or what have you and I thought, yannow, it doesn't matter. I based my behavior on my feelings, whether his were based on feelings or something else only cheapens my experience if I allow it to. It was genuine for me and obviously I am not suited to the other person.

If I fail to ponder whether he was genuine, or even adopt the notion that he intentionally hurt me, that's only going to screw with my head so what's the point? I can only control me so from that standpoint, yes of course, whether it is a hit and run thing like you described or a relationship that did not pan out regardless of who broke up with who, I consider whether I was daft at any point and ignored some huge clues as to the person's character, if not, time to move right along.

Most people aren't deceitful and cruel. I think sometimes people in situations when the courtship went on longer can get focused on getting to the intimacy without really focusing on getting to know the person. Once that goal of intimacy is met the person really starts looking at things, so can you be sure that it was intentionally manipulative or just gutless on the part of the ghost? I think people also are who they want to be often not who they are and perhaps it is after that first intimate encounter that they realize they aren't ready for a relationship or as ready as you are.

Seems to me that taking that attitude about things, without being blind to things you should notice the next time around, is just a healthier way to navigate the dating and relationships.
 tnt1967
Joined: 1/20/2010
Msg: 42
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/2/2010 8:49:06 PM
I think most people get into a conversation and sometimes even into bed ,out of curiosity.Yes women do it too.You may feel a connection and think hey if we get along so well on the phone or text maybe it would be great in bed.Then you do the deed and discover a; it sucked and you could have had more fun by yourself or B: they now think they are married to you and phone you 15 x A day .So you run scared think arg what did i get into.Sometimes we can blame our hormones and chock it up to a life experience.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 43
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/2/2010 9:14:10 PM
""Why do people allow this to happen?""

Yes. They allow it to happen. They are consenting adults. They are deluded to thinking that sex can begin or define a relationship. They don't invest in knowing eachother long enough to make a healthy decision about being intimate.
They debase intamacy to just being a physical thing. Intamacy has many facets, emotional, intellectual , spiritual and physical. Intamacy is not just about the sheets.

The one who thought things were great was deluding themselves. You don't accomplish this with a few emails, a few phone calls and a quick romp in the hey.
Doesn't work that way.
The one who does it was a user or completely unhappy with the sexual performance of the other. With no other reason to connect to the person with the time invested, no intimate knowledge of them, no spiritual connection, and no emotional attatchment... OF COURSE they bolt. Their desires were only based on physical needs being met.
When one or the other doesn't perform well they "dispose" of them.

The one being disposed of ALLOWED it to happen. No victims here.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 44
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/2/2010 9:37:59 PM
Okay, I read ALL THAT STUFF. If I understand Kimberish, this is all about her taking umbrage with a guy who slept with a woman on a first date, knowing fully that he had no intention of doing anything more with her, AND knowing full well that she was EXPECTING a longer relationship.
All in all, I think there's been more talk and fuss over this than is warranted. Not just because the woman in question was willing and self-deluded, and not because this guy was NOT a jerk, but because it's such a commonplace occurrence. It happens in one form or another all the time. The person who takes advantage IS despicable, to my thinking, but so what? The person who is fooled into diving into bed on a first meeting gets a lesson (hopefully) out of the exchange, the disappearing one gets some cheap, meaningless sex.
The idea that any of this indicates the decline and fall of civilisation [I prefer the English spelling] as we know it is LUDICROUS. This sort of thing has happened since the invention of long-distance communication. I've read exactly the same story and complaint, over and over, from the days of ULTRA-snailish mail, before airplanes carried it, before regular government sponsored mail existed. People of both sexes who yearn for and dream of love, have always been willing to believe anyone who claimed to be delivering it, and there have always been those of not only both, but ALL sexualities out there, willing to take advantage.
 Pixy Dust
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 45
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/2/2010 10:13:52 PM
I haven't been involved with internet dating as long as some people I've come across. I have had some experience since 05'. I think for some people as with me when I first entered the murky waters that it is far easier to fall into a fantasy at least once if not several times before realizing that you really don't see the forest for the trees.

I know that you threw this topic out hypothetically, and it's worth bringing up because on one level or another I think many of these threads are based on the same illusion that can be created through the internet. I am on other sites (not dating per sae) but the people have fallen into that black hole of emotion that in real life they weren't finding, and these are people who are married with families and drama infested over someone they have never met. How on earth can one be so taken in? Far easier than anyone cares to admit....

when you take the step of meeting after the psychological foreplay of email and IM exchange progressing to the late night heavy sigh of phone calling, you can entrap yourself into believing that something exists that really can't. It might take a person once to figure it out, and for others a dozen times.... shrugs... depends on your emotional needs.
 uc0339
Joined: 9/12/2008
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/2/2010 11:12:20 PM
I get what you are saying.

The guy knowing fully well that he will never see her again (for whatever reason)continues to throw fuel on her "I found my soul mate" delusion just to get laid. His thinking is.. hummm it's 9:30pm, do I go home and have a beer, watch some television or with little effort (thanks to her rose colored glasses) I affirm everything she is saying and get laid?

Yes it's wrong, yes he is a dirtbag and yes she is disposable to him. I think the thing that bothered you is not so much he does this, but actually posted something on the forums bragging about it. That takes a special kind of person... not an azzhole but an ADVANCED azzhole! Disturbing huh!

Just my thoughts,
Dave
 Chill Pill
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 47
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/3/2010 3:43:09 AM
"fooled into diving into bed on a first meeting"

How in the world does this happen? It can't. This isn't rocket science. If you sleep with a stranger then you are consenting to "strange sex".

Here in lies the delusion..." EXPECTING a longer relationship", this rarely happens after a one night stand.

If a woman is so deluded that she thinks a romance will begin if she f&Cks some guy the first time she meets him, that this is how happily ever after begins ... she is not fooled into diving into bed, she is juat a plain FOOL.

This isn't the decline of a civilazation this is just the product of a society that no longer believes their is a need for a "courtship" before sex. This is the product of a society that markets intstant gratification.
Sex for some is supposed to be like going to the drive through window at McDaonalds.
They want their fast food. Let me get a little bj with some buns and don't forget that special sauce.

I know men that are trying to meet me just for a quick lay. I can figure that out in about the first 10 minutes after I talk to them IN PERSON.
The internet just leaves the opportunistic male in a candy shop of woman that are willing to be deluded into fairy tale fantasies that some great and everlasting love is going to come from a brief interlude and exchange of emails and phone calls. The players know exactly what to say and feed on the answers they get to target their prey.Is it dispicable, maybe. Is it ALLOWED, yes indeedy!

I know the answer to the question why do men disappear after a first few emails , or after a first meet or even a first date. Because I don't engage in foolish cyber sex and ridiculous delusion that I have "SCORED" before I even meet someone face to face.
That's just insanity. You don't really know anything about a man until you look at his life, meet his family, and date him for a period of time. Yes, COURTSHIP.

I have my own set of rules and I don't f&Ck on a first meet, or a second or a fifth.
I make them wait until I believe a mutual bond and an undeniable affection exists.

A woman that offers herself over to a guy off the net on a first meet is ASKING for trouble, heartache, pain. If the man is all that he says he is and his intent is very pure in black and white or on the phone, then 3 months later he will have just as much or more desire for the woman.

The woman that are so deperate to have intimacy with a man the first time they see them ought to learn how to masterbate. They should learn how to take care of their own bodies and practice some SELF CONTROL. There are no glamorous victims here just volunteers. No one is being fooled, they are just FOOLS.
 Eldrida
Joined: 11/13/2009
Msg: 48
view profile
History
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/3/2010 3:58:20 AM
While I think the sexual revolution was, in general, a Good Thing, it's had the sad side effect that while people are no longer being judged for promiscuity, people are being judged for NOT having sex.

I don't "hold out" on men. I simply have sex with them if and when I am ready, and for no other motive/s. And I'm having trouble working out whether this is seen as a bad thing or not... someone help me out here. Why should I be pressured/guilted into having sex before I'm ready and really willing? A guy who labels me a tease or complains about being "held out on" is not worth my time and energy. If he respects me and my body, he respects my decisions about what I want to do with my body. If this differs widely from what HE wants to do with my body, he can walk away and find someone more compatible.

I've seen a lot of posts (mostly by men) on this site claiming this is somehow unfair or makes me a pricktease or something.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 49
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/3/2010 4:35:50 AM
Eldrida ^^^ There it is. Thank you. That's just another "tactic" that a man that is only after sex will use. I can't count the number of times I was called a "c*ck teaser" . It wasn't true. I was having healthy and respectful boundaries. The men or I should say boys just used that to ""pressure" me into getting what they wanted instead of waiting for mutual desire.
I didn't lead them through bases and stop them at the home plate. I treated the boys with respect and kept the safe distance. I didn't get into heavy petting and leave them hanging. They were holding onto their own blue balls because of their own intent.

The man will label you C8ck teaser out of his own frustration but he causes it by failing to be a gentleman. I never let the boys that were to agressive see me more than once or twice after they crossed my personal boundaries. They were disrespecting me anyway so if they called me a "c*ck teaser" I didn't care.

I would prefer to be called a tease than a "skank whore" when they were done with me and kicking me to the curb for the next easy lay.

Words are just words are just words are just words.

I believe in actions and that is the only way a man really proves his intent. He can lay it on as thick as he wants , but will he show up for the long haul? Will he practice patience with me? Will he prove over time that I am the lady he most desires? Only time will tell and that NEVER happens OVERNIGHT.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 50
Falling over the phone…
Posted: 3/3/2010 4:51:30 AM
I don't know why people place so much trust in virtual strangers....They're quick to trust them by sharing body fluids, but I doubt they'd entrust them with a bag of money. For all you know the disappearing acts could be due to a renegade on the run.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Falling over the phone…