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| | Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?Page 2 of 18 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18) |
Marriage & children change people.
I agree "Marriage & children change people" but the change is not always for the better?!
We learn to share & I do mean share!
People learn to share from all types of life experiences, sharing isn't unique to just being married and having children.
People that don't have kiddos haven't learned what it is to sacrifice to give your all to someone else, to do without so they can have what they want & need.
You may want to expand your understanding about what "sacrifice" is, there are many childless people who would give their all to someone else and do without in the gesture, "sacrifice" has nothing to do with whether someone has children or not!
This I feel is needed in order to grow into a well balanced adult.
I think I will contact my childless/never been married friends (male and female) so we can wave our "Red Flags" high and proud!! That way, you will be forewarned who the unbalanced crowd is and you won't have to even bother to get to know any of us?! Yeesh!!!
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 8:14:38 AM | It's a mystery to me, I haven't had people react that way at all. They're curious, because it's a little outside the usual, but they don't back off because of it.
You sure you're not maybe presenting it like it's something you think is negative? That'll do it every time...
Or, to the question packagedeal raised, if you've never really been in much of a relationship at all, IMO it is valid to see that as a warning. But I imagine you have, right? I mean that's just kind of hard to avoid even if you wanted to. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 8:29:16 AM |
Wally I wasn't talking with you, but it doesn't matter those are my opinions. Whether anyone agrees or not. My opinion, end of story, end of discussion! You can laugh & belittle me & think your way is so superior all you want, your type does not concern me. Not laughing ... Sorry for you more than anything. LIFE changes people and it is not always for the better as demonstrated on these very pages. Oh, well.
 
Wally I wasn't talking with you Ummmm ... This is a public forum. You are aware of that, right? The site provides for email exchange if you would prefer to keep your opinions out of the spotlight.  | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 8:48:29 AM |
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
OMG! You’re wearing a striped shirt in your profile picture...you know what THAT means!
It means, that to the WRONG person, ANYTHING and EVERYTHING could be a red flag flapping on high. My advice is to quit worrying about the thousand and one ways strangers will adversely prejudge you, because it is disheartening, unproductive and will do absolutely NOTHING to get you closer to finding the gal who IS right for you. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 9:02:18 AM | The first two words that came to my mind, OP, was so what. Surely, a man in his 40's, never married and without children would cause curiousity on my end, but I wouldn't throw it up as a red flag. Unless, of course, the guy gives me a reason to throw it up as a red flag.
Some people don't fit the mold of marriage, and having children. For others, bad timing could be another thing. There could be several reasons as to why some people just like you that are in your age group have never wed, nor had any children.
Perhaps when I reach your age, and have never wed and have no children of my own, it would probably be seen as a red flag to some men. Oh well. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 9:17:48 AM | Its disheartening in a way to see all the generalizations I see on POF daily...
I mean, c'mon, if you've been married/divorced 3x by age 40 (ie, lets say 3 x 5yr marriages), and you married each one after 6mo's, what does that say about 'comittment'? To me it says you jump into things w/o really knowing each other. You're committed to getting married, but either not to working to keep it together, or pick people who won't work to keep it together (because you barely knew them).
I might be conscious of that - but it wouldn't stop me from dating someone if we talked about it and I felt they were older/wiser in their choices. Then again, if they were pushing for us to get married after date#5 - I'd be really worried they learned nothing. Addicted to getting married?
I don't pay attention to these generalizations, they're stupid - you might as well say "all 'hot' people are players because they can get anyone they want" - um, they might be, they might not be - its a stupid generalization probably because you dated a few 'hot' people who all were players. That says a lot more about *your* choices, your "selection process" for dating, than it does about them.
If you're going to run your life by generalizations, give up dating. Everyone is different, we've all had different experiences, we've all loved, and probably had our hearts broken, had good experiences and bad. We're all looking for 'something' - and lets be honest here, if you found that 'something' you're looking for, you wouldn't be here on POF, would you? (Even the people here just for the forums are looking for 'something', just maybe not a relationship at the moment). So instead of being open to trying new things, understanding that everyone is different - you build walls, pidgeon-holing people into groups to 'avoid', rather than seeing them as unique individuals.
Pretty narrow world-view if you ask me. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 10:08:39 AM | Its the same for a person who`s never had any children. I make it a habit never to date anyone who doesn`t have kids. Majority, don`t quite understand the kids come first in life.
It`s hard for a person to deal with someone who`s never experienced these things.
sorry but i feel totally different on this matter. i run like hell if i see a man has kids but was NEVER married. i don't believe in having illegitimate children probably because that's the way i was raised. and that seems to me like someone who doesn't want to commit. seems like someone who is irresponsible. but then i can't stand kids anyway and don't want any which is why i prefer to date men without children. never married doesn't bother me in the least. better than someone who has been married 2 or 3 times which means they stink at relationships and are failures. the OP probably just has met the ONE yet. it does happen. just keep looking, i'm sure she's out there somewhere!!
oh and btw, it's CLEAVER, not CLEVER. clever means smart. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 10:15:39 AM | | Perhaps nbl642, it's something more profound in your general personality than never have had kids and never married. Maybe in your 40's youre set in your ways, a control freak and narrow-minded. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 11:03:40 AM |
People that don't have kiddos haven't learned what it is to sacrifice to give your all to someone else
Actually it shouldn't be that way, yes you have to give a lot to your kids, but if people give it all to them, and have nothing left for their spouce...that can fail a marriage.
Many Veterans of wars who never made it back, sure gave a lot, and sacrificed for others, many didn't have children.
A person is giving by nature, many times that comes from the parents, or if they were only childs, etc....and there are those who were not good parents, so just because a person had children, does not automatically mean they are giving, etc.
I think the main possible red flag would be in the OP's own words...these relations never worked out enough to go on to marriage....BUT, many here went on to marriages that failed or else why be here?
So with this all, I can understand the reservation some will have, on the otherhand a person should be given a fair chance...
There are far worse red flags than being in your 40's and never been married. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 11:14:53 AM | Its the same for a person who`s never had any children. I make it a habit never to date anyone who doesn`t have kids. Majority, don`t quite understand the kids come first in life.
It`s hard for a person to deal with someone who`s never experienced these things.
Funny, EC, because I've dated women with kids... and I never would have even *questioned* the kids coming first while we were dating. That's a given, and I loved the kids. Definitely a 'learning experience' for me with the first one, but I didn't mind.
What ended those was the first wanted me to quit my job and marry her "now damnit"... and I wanted to marry her up until then, but owning a home I'd have to sell, quitting a job I needed to pay the mortgage (lest the bank foreclose on me and I lose $80K in equity) were things we needed to discuss - she was not open to discussion, quit my job, let the bank take the house, and marry her jobless and broke... hmm, lets see... not willing to even *listen* to my own needs... not a good sign for the future, is it? Quite honestly, I miss the kids, and the fact I missed out on them growing up, more than her (although we still talk occasionally, I like hearing how the kids are doing). Her own unwillingness to talk about it and listen to my needs ended that.
And, well, the next one decided to go back to 'a**hole' (her words for him, when we started dating), because "I thought it was what was best for the kids" - can't argue that, she did what I hope any mother would do (regardless of my opinion of him), what she thought was best for the kids. (And, it should've been a 'red flag' for me, but she kept me at a distance from the kids for the most part, 'afraid they might mention' me to him... *I* wanted to be more involved with the kids, because they were a part of her life, and I loved her). Eh, no regrets, if you love someone you want whats best for them.
So to assume because *I* don't have kids (of my own) meaning I'm incapable of understanding they're first in your life, or that I have no "experience" with kids... isn't exactly true. Neither of those relationships ended for anything to do with *my* inability to love the kids, and deal with 'her' putting them first. Both of them thought (and well, I still talk to the first occasionally, still thinks) I'd be a good dad, although at 46 the thought of having a teenager in my 60's isn't very appealing, and I would still date a woman with kids - it'd be silly to limit my options based on 2 experiences that didn't work out, that really had nothing to do with *me* being unable to deal with kids in any fashion. I don't run my life by generalizations, but rather by selecting people based on who they are, not their past. You, of course, are welcome to your own opinions... | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 11:29:36 AM | LuckyHot77, I noticed the same thing in the wording from the OP.
I'm 45 and have never married and never had kids. Things just never worked out for me in this matter.
Those are a lot of NEVER, going into a relationship with a 45 yr old who likes to race BMX bikes and read the bible. A Christian Woman who loves JC and takes great faith in her bible and the church would see the posters lack of commitment at age 45 as a "Red Flag". As a Christian, perhaps the OP is seen as a person who doesn't live by his faith. Not many men list Jesus Christ as their Interest. The women who list JC as their Interest on POF, are NOT going to be easily lead into a long term romantic relationship without marriage or kids.
God fearing Christians who love Jesus Christ,
"Go forth and Procreate ... "
"Be joined to his wife, and the two shall become as one flesh." | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 12:14:10 PM |
I look at it like this- I've never cheated on my spouse. What percentage of divorced men can say that? I don't think avoiding commitment and marriage, is better than someone who has tried, and for one reason or another, it broke down.
Being older, and never married, can be a simple case of someone having been shy during their you, or it can be someone was learning who he is, and what he desires in a relationship. I don't hold it against men, but I certainly pay attention to his thinking/speech, and behavior regarding commitment and women. M | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 12:18:34 PM | I bet it's less of a red flag than my being married 5 times. There are reasons for every situation. If a person can't listen to those reasons and appreciate them, then they aren't the person for you. It wouldn't bother me if I met a man who had never been married and had no kids. If anything, there maybe a lot less problems and drama.
BTW, most men don't find my multiple marriages a problems. They just think I'm optimistic! | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 12:42:39 PM |
i love it when divorced people find reason to suspect the unmarried. apparently lack of broken commitments is a dealbreaker.
Yes, we're now in the same league as terrorists at the airport: we're suspicious because we don't have enough baggage. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 12:43:25 PM | I think its funny really in ways, and sad because generalizing groups of people only limits you from people's uniqueness - but especially when I hear people saying "I dated 2 guys/women who were... (whatever generalized reason) ... and I'll *never* do it again, they're *all* like that!"
To put it in perspective, consider the following:
"I've dated two hot, athletic, hispanic women, and both of them wound up getting cancer, and the strain of that broke up the relationship later... all hot, athletic hispanic women get cancer, and I'll never date one again!"
Doesn't that sound like a stupid generalization? The "luck of the draw" ending up badly (especially for the women) - but to generalize like that from*two* dates? There's what, 300million people in the US, lets say 20million each sex are 'never married, no kids' - you dated *2* (1/10millionth of them) and you "know" they're all the same? And who exactly does that "limit" except the person doing the generalizing? I mean, I don't care, you're welcome to think whatever you want - but it seems rather ludicrous to me. 
FF said: "There are reasons for every situation. If a person can't listen to those reasons and appreciate them, then they aren't the person for you. " - yeah, if you treat everyone as unique, with their own experiences, and get to know them... and decide based on the person, rather than their 'history', it leaves more opportunities doesn't it FF? | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 1:17:43 PM |
LuckyHot77, I noticed the same thing in the wording from the OP.
Yep, it can very well be to as I said in reference that there are those who got married and made a mistake in the person they chose.....that maybe this person chose to stay single till the right one came along, and they didn't come along.
Who really knows. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 1:25:05 PM | So why is it, when this info is revealed a red flag goes up?
I use to think this would play to my advantage, but after turning 40 I could see the table had been turned.
Any thoughts?
I wouldn't see this as a flag, but the only thing I can assume about the person in question could see it as "we" are so screwed up nobody wanted to deal with us. I guess. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 1:30:19 PM | | I'm not looking for someone who sees unmarried as a red flag, so it doesn't worry me. As a poster commented, the divorce rate doesn't say much for marriage as a measure of lifelong commitment, and some of us singles have had relationships that outlasted a lot of marriages. Divorced/separated is a red flag to me, and again not a fatal one, but it indicates a mistake that I didn't make: why should I be the one penalised for getting it right by not entering into a lifelong contract with the wrong person? | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 2:04:34 PM | I have no idea why it is thought of as a reg flag....there goes me cos Ive never married or had kids.
All I can think of and I may be wrong is they might think you are a george cloony batchelor or too fussy and difficult to get on with so might have a break up history that goes with your age. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 2:11:27 PM | | Growing up in the Northeast, many of my friends did not get married until their late 30's but I know in other parts of the country it is considered odd. Most women with kids cannot afford to live the 4 wheeling, jet skiing, traveling at the drop of a hat life style. I would be curious to see if you could slow down long enough to have a commitment to anything. My life would seem very boring to a guy like that. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 2:27:57 PM |
sorry but i feel totally different on this matter. i run like hell if i see a man has kids but was NEVER married. i don't believe in having illegitimate children probably because that's the way i was raised. and that seems to me like someone who doesn't want to commit. seems like someone who is irresponsible.
This could very well be the opposite. Birth control isn't 100% effective so he may have been responsible and may have wanted to marry the woman but if she didn't want to marry him? It would be better if he just ditched the kid, I would respect someone that stuck around to be a dad even if the circumstances weren't ideal. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 2:43:54 PM | Generalizations is stupid because every person and situation is unique. If someone brought this up when I am dating them then I know it's time to move on. Not out of anger, however people need to focus on positive things. If you focus or look for faults then they will eventually become true.
My aunt thinks I don't know what it is like to have children because I never had any. Good grief, why are people so blind? I have dealt with children more than most people since I used work with the public. I have been bad parents and parenting. Just because I am waiting for the right woman then to accept or want something that might not last is crazy. Do you people have any idea how much divorce hurts children? Even if they seem happy they are not. Very few children can cope with divorce. I never had a long term relationship. I don't have relationship baggage. I treat each new one as if she's the first one. It's not my fault women want a a committed relationship too soon when I hardly know her. I don't like to rush things, anything rushed in life can't be good.
It's funny because I have helped people with relationship problems, even though I never had a serious long term relationship. Many of them turned out great. These are society stating when a person gets married. Can't you see society is wrong? At least 50% of marriages fail in the first year.
I rarely do what is the in thing or what society thinks I should do. I'm not some blind follower.
I have helped many people, personal problems relationship, depressions or whatever. If a woman considers me a red flag then that's her loss not mine. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/6/2010 3:26:21 PM | If my ex (47) was on this site, his status would read single and depending on how he would interpret the children thing, he might fall under the categuory of being over 40, never been married with no kids.
However, he was in a twenty years common-law relationship and not only became a step-dad to my two children but also became a dad to "our" granddaughter when we were granted full custody of her. He is still fully involved in both my children's lives and continues to be devoted to our granddaughter. Yet, according to some people, the red flags would be waiving, when in fact he is one of the most committed, most generous, most honest person I know.
My father, in reality my step-dad, is another one where the red flags would be waiving all over the place...he married my mom, a widow with two small children, when he was 41, single, still living with his parents, had never had a relationship and according to him, had never even kissed a girl.
But...according to my mom and dad, all that was about to change when my mom moved into the small village where my dad had lived all of his life...apparently, it was love at first sight and the rest is history.
Today, my mom and dad are 89 and 87 respectively and are still in love - my dad, a 40+ years old never married w/no kids *living with his parents* guy has been an excellent husband and a very good father in spite of all 'em flags...good thing there was no POF back then I guess...hahaha.
In my opinion, people should be judged on a one-on-one basis...we all have our individual stories to tell, some will be compatible with our own and others not so much, but to make a blanket statement that all ________ are _________ is to miss the forest for the trees, in my opinion and personal experience anyway.
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