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| | Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?Page 4 of 18 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18) | Some people who feel they were given the gift of being able to make tremendous sacrifice simply due to the fact they had children demonstrate they are still "all about me." They just don't recognize it.
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:47:44 AM | | How does the expression go " Some people think it's all about them but really it's all about me" same message different phrasing - if a person goes around telling others they are a martyr does that make it so? | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:14:48 AM |
I use to think this would play to my advantage, but after turning 40 I could see the table had been turned.
Any thoughts?
Yea, almost all women are suspicious of a man who doesn't have a track record of "putting out" in the fashion they desire. They want a man who is "easy" in this regard, since they aren't up to any sort of a challenge. But rather than admit this they go into ego defense mode and project all sorts of pathologies onto him, even though they usually don't even take the time to do a pre-diagnosis interview first. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:37:26 AM | | I don't understand women who are more attracted to a profile status of Divorced or Separated and think there's something wrong with a status that says Single and in some cases no children. There are countless posts here about people dealing with crazy ex's, problem children, children trying to ruin a parent's dating life, people who haven't gotten over there ex, etc, etc. How is this more desirable than someone who is baggage-free? | |
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Fifi47
| | Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 80 | |
| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:51:23 AM | | ^^^^I have decided that maybe people love drama and problems so much they gravitate to the ones who have the most drama and/or problems, or like the excitment/challenge of someone who is dysfunctional. More than once I have heard that I am so totally boring since I don't gripe about kids or men or financial problems or how I have been treated badly by men. Some people seem to have a need to be a rescuer or to be rescued in a relationship. Maybe they have no clue as to how life can be happy and more or less stress free as they have never had anything but problems in childhood and as an adult and equate love with how much someone will put up with or do for them when their lives or a mess......just my .02 worth......or maybe some people will do anything or put up with anything if the person is good looking to them and/or other people are attracted to the good looking person. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:01:09 AM |
I don't understand women who are more attracted to a profile status of Divorced or Separated and think there's something wrong with a status that says Single and in some cases no children. There are countless posts here about people dealing with crazy ex's, problem children, children trying to ruin a parent's dating life, people who haven't gotten over there ex, etc, etc. How is this more desirable than someone who is baggage-free?
I actually prefer single men with no kids, especially if they are baggage free. These type of men aren't too hard to come across. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:13:48 AM | If people want to see me as having red flags because I've never been married or have children, that's their own myopic response to someone who's life has differed from their own. But I don't really get angry about it, because it's human nature to suspect anyone who is different from yourself. One should have enough self-awareness though to rise about that, but I don't expect much from most people
What I find so irritating in this discussion, however, is the mythologizing of parenthood, especially from divorced men, the majority of whom had a much lesser role in childrearing then their ex-wives, and who are seeing their kids every other weekend. I asked one such guy who was droning on to me about how his kids were his first priority (a bullshit line, pretty much every time someone uses it), if during the separation/divorce agreement, if he had even asked for shared custody. He admitted well, no. So I said, actually, despite you saying your kids are so important to you, you really don't want to have shared custody with your ex because that would curtail your freedom. In fact, I would argue that he actually has to spend more time with kids now... He can't go off on fishing trips every weekend because, guess what, he doesn't have his wife to take care of the kids.
I work with children in my professional life. I am a caring, giving, compassionate person... but no, I haven't actually given birth. And as someone who used to work for Children's Aid, I have seen firsthand what horrors parents do to their own children.
So I don't give anyone any points for being parents. Being a parent doesn't automatically make you a better person. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:35:50 AM | So, if its a big 'red flag'...ok never married ladies, who wants to marry me for a week so we can get rid of this huge 'red flag' placed on us?? We don't even have to live together, no sex, no expectations, neither of us is out anything other than a few bucks for a marriage license, hell I'll fly to meet you, hit a justice of the peace... C'mon, one week, we divorce, and then we can both put 'divorced' on our profiles! 
And then... we'll have "proof" we can actually handle being married or an LTR! | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:58:25 AM |
My father, in reality my step-dad, is another one where the red flags would be waiving all over the place...he married my mom, a widow with two small children, when he was 41, single, still living with his parents, had never had a relationship and according to him, had never even kissed a girl.
But...according to my mom and dad, all that was about to change when my mom moved into the small village where my dad had lived all of his life...apparently, it was love at first sight and the rest is history.
Today, my mom and dad are 89 and 87 respectively and are still in love - my dad, a 40+ years old never married w/no kids *living with his parents* guy has been an excellent husband and a very good father in spite of all 'em flags...good thing there was no POF back then I guess...hahaha.
When people see red flags, it reflects more what they fear than the reality of the situation. Surely there are many "never been married and no kids" men who can't/won't commit, or are hard to get along, hard to please etc. But like JmD's father described in post 56, there are also many good men who don't fit that stereotype. These men don't get mentioned much because once they get snatched up, they are gone.
I don't have any problem with women prejudicing me for being never married and without kids at my age. It's their prerogative to do so, but I do pity them for their ignorance. On the flip side, the women I've dated and have had relationships with all saw my "clean record" as a huge plus. So I will keep fishing, knowing that like attracts like and use that fully to my advantage.
Don't sweat it. There are truly plenty of fish to choose from. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 2:18:21 PM |
I've never married or had kids or even an LTR, but that is because every time I want to start one, the woman asks if I've already had one. LOL.
I can see your dilema, but perhaps you shouldn't be looking for a LTR, look for friends or dating for now than see where it goes.
It's like applying for a job. The employer wants experience, but how do you get experience if no one hires you? It's a catch-22.
I still think it's all in the delivery though...."Mr employer, i've had enough casual jobs and experience to be able to identify a good opportunity when I see one, that's why i'm here"....that doesn't sound too bad, does it?  | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 2:37:50 PM |
As for cheating before marriage, I tend to be in the camp that doesn't believe that it's possible to "cheat" before a relationship has been declared "exclusive" by both parties. Prior to that, I tend to think both parties have the right to date whoever they wish. I can honestly say that I have never done that, either. When I become involved, I lose interest in dating anyone else.
ok..then you have clarified. i agree with you. it is important for both to communicate that are wanting to be exclusive.
i also agree with posters who have said that they wonder why anyone isnt married.
when a man (or woman) is divorced i do want to know why.
but i do not ask right away. i feel it is too personal and also that the man (or woman to a man) may not give acurate reasons. they wont want to scare a potential partner away in the beginning.
as for my own situation, i have no problem saying why i got my divorce.
i do however, want to know the reason for the divorce before getting too involved.
for ex: if there was violence, drug abuse, cheating..
but those are the very things that people want to hide and not tell.
a never married man has no ex wife baggage. agreed.
i guess his personal baggage can be just as heavy or light as anyones ,divorced or not.
and i do not think women here prefer divorced or separated over never married.
i for one,...prefer widowed, divorced, or never married.. in that order.
i do not date separated men. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 2:40:28 PM | In theory, there is no problem at all. No ex wife drama and no kids eating into our time together.
The only thing is, though, I don't know if I could keep up with his lifestyle, depending on what it was.
If the 45 year old bachelor wanted to be able to travel and do exciting adult things at the drop of the hat, he'd be disappointed. My oldest child is in university and my middle child is entering one of the most expensive post secondary programs in Ontario in September. I have no idea what the youngest (grade 11) might spring on me. I make a decent living, but I don't feel like indulging in travel and "me" stuff is in the cards for about the next four years...when I am 48. I think that would feel kind of unfair, as if I were holding him back, especially if he had lots of single, successful friends who were all very active socially. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 3:05:27 PM |
What was your longest relationship?
My last GF asked me that very question. It had been a six month relationship. From that she was able to draw the conclusion that I must be some kind of floosey and had a lot of shorter flings and couldn't get past the 6 month mark. It didn't matter that it had been the only REAL relationship I had been in before her. I guess I should have been sleeping around more. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 3:49:15 PM | I'm 44, never married, no kids, don't drink, smoke or drugs.
And, That kind of behavior make me a sicko?
I don't think so.
For many years I tried to date women, with little luck.
I tried to treat them well, almost saying "Your wish is my command".
But every time, I found that many of these women were dating with really bad boys, and
sincerely, I began to feel sick and tired to save women from their bad decisions.
I found some single mothers who told me, "Come with me, and You'll get your resident
card".
"And my freedom and self respect goes to the drain" - I'm saying myself.
Now I'm just wanna be a happy man and stay in peace with myself.
And, believed me, this is the best time of my life.  | |
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kiev95
| | Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 92 | |
| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 6:59:17 PM | | It's a red flag for marrige minded people. A person (a man or a woman) who never been married by age 45 might be afraid of commitment or too selfish to be married to someone (marriage is about caring about other people (spouse or kids). But for somebody who is the same way, it might be an advatage. | |
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452
| | Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 93 | |
| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:30:42 PM | I have yet to make any sense of this type of thinking that if you have been married in the past and now divorced then this shows you can commit!! Wtf! What is up with that? So if I had gotten married and then divorced my husband that would show I can commit? Really. So the fact that I have no failed marriages and a slew of kids in my wake raises red flags!? How very interesting. I better get on the ball get married and divorced two or three times and have three kids and then I will be datable. Pfft man people can be incredibly foolish.
Having a failed marriage or marriages in your past does not show you can commit.It only shows that you give up and bailed on your marriage. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:37:31 PM | | I think it means nothing except the person has not met the right one as yet... and as they get older.. they become more clear on what they want in another person... and perhaps at bit more picky... | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:42:43 PM |
In theory, there is no problem at all. No ex wife drama and no kids eating into our time together.
The only thing is, though, I don't know if I could keep up with his lifestyle, depending on what it was.
If the 45 year old bachelor wanted to be able to travel and do exciting adult things at the drop of the hat, he'd be disappointed.
Switch the 45 to a 55 and it's the same for me...as I posted earlier, it's certainly not prejudice that makes me feel that I'd be more compatible *at this point in my life* with a man who is more or less in the same situation as mine.
My two natural children are in their mid thirties so no more university or college worries for me but...my youngest daughter is mentally ill and although she lives on her own, she still takes up some of my time and a lot of my energy and unfortunately, there are days when I have nothing inside left to give because through no fault of her own, I gave it all to her.
Then there is my granddaughter, who is like a daughter to me...she's going on 16 and although not a baby anymore, I'm still not free to come and go as I please.
Then there is my grandson, 20 months....because I'm retired, naturally I'm the emergency babysitter in case he's sick and can't go to daycare...well, since he's started daycare, he's been more sick than well (or perhaps it just feels that way)...just last week, I had him at my house four days in a row.
I don't mind and I love my grandson and it's not like we have much of a choice in the matter, including him poor little guy, but once again, I'm not exactly free to come and go as I please.
Okay, I just realised what I typed and I'm going to have to re-phrase that - it's a choice that I make and will continue to make for as long as I can to not be "free"... how's that?
So it stands to reason that a single man who's never had children might not only not want my lifestyle, but I'm not sure he would or could understand the dynamics of my family... I hate to say we're dysfunctional (don't we all) because we're not (yeah right that's what they all say), but we're not exactly "normal" either...hahahaha...
Ah gawd...it all seems so complicated sometimes doesn't it? Maybe in my next life I'll just have puppies instead. Oh wait! Before that happens, someone is going to have to make a believer out of me in this life innit? Damn I'm screwed. 
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:17:14 PM | Never married is possibly a red flag, but not as much as someone being married a few times. I came out of a decade long live in relationship where she just wasn't feeling it no more and what I found out here was certainly shocking.
I've gone out with someone married twice. It became obvious why she ended up that way- impulsive, flighty, mixture of legal and illegal substances, and emotionally unstable. Another woman- married once- drama, constantly fighting with neighbours, everything had to be her way, judgemental bigoted and a million iron clad rules on how things must be done. Another one had X drama that consumed most of her attention.
So here I am in my forties never married. I see no point if that's all there is to choose from.These were all just Titanics with the iceberg in plain sight.
I have a good job, all my stuff is paid for, no headaches at home and retirements looking brighter every day. Should I get married just to say I was? I hear in Mexico they have quickie divorce- get someone, get married, honeymoon, vacation and then at the end- divorced. Two weeks tops.
Sounds like fun- anybody up for it? I have to get this "red flag" off my otherwise spotless resume.
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 6:59:25 AM | Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Meh. It's just an excuse used by some divorced folks to make themselves feel better about the mistakes they've made. | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:24:17 AM | It always amazes me how fast some are to stick a red flag on something but refuse to ask questions about it. Making assumptions about a person's situation and forcing said person to then fit the stereotype they have in their head, rather than find out about the individual. Guess it just goes with our modern "fast food" society- get it, label it, throw it away, but don't think/ask about it.
The assumptions that bother me with the red flag for never married/no kids things are:
1. Can't commit-marriage doesn't equal commitment. If you are still married you can be cheating, if you are a divorced you broke that commitment, you could have been in a serious LTR for longer than a marriage but just never done the paperwork, etc. My grandparents(married almost 70yrs) would say divorce is a sign a person doesn't understand what commitment is. Having children doesn't mean you can commit either, since I see more and more kids being raised by daycare/school than by parents in my area-I don't see the commitment of the parent to raise their own children.
2. Must have baggage/issues- after a certain age everyone has some issue or baggage. It's just a fact of life. It's how a person deals with said issues/baggage that should be important, not the baggage/issue itself. And some may consider children/divorce big truckloads of baggage.
3. Means a person is undateable/undesirable- sometimes it just doesn't happen on the same schedule as other people are on. Just because a seeming majority has worked their life into said schedule of marriage by 20-something, kids before 30-something, etc. doesn't mean that schedule is a one-size-fits-all. It also doesn't mean the person wasn't willing to be married, it just means something hasn't happened yet to get them to the altar.
4. Selfish/unwilling to compromise/sacrifice- not everyone rates giving/compromise/sacrifice the same. Not being married or having kids does not automatically mean a person isn't able, it can just mean that they haven't found the right fit yet.
As for the "holier than thou" airs some put on about parenthood. It strikes me sometimes as coming off extremely selfish(me and my kids, me and my kids-repeat ad nauseum). I wonder how "holy" these people would feel if they found out that person they have been looking down their nose on were incapable of having children? Where is the highly touted patience, kindness, etc then? Or is that patience/compassion just saved for your stuff/kids?
I have to just say to this:
The anger, bitter, vile, blame everyone else comments has convinced me you all are messed up & I am going to put your group on my Do Not Call list!
The most bitter posts in this thread seem to have come from the poster of this statement. Does anyone else see the irony here? Holy fun house mirror Batman! | |
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| Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:24:49 AM | Nope, not a red flag. It's a red flag for someone to BE divorced. To me, marriage is a serious thing. You swear before your friends, a pastor, what ever God you abide by, and, most importantly, to the other person that you will be with them until one of you takes their last breath on this planet. Sickness, health, ALL good times and ALL bad times.... not just the bad times that aren't SUPER bad. ALL of them.
I'm unsure how I feel about divorce when it's due to unfaithfulness in a traditional wedding. In a way, the person who was unfaithful broke the 'contract', didn't follow what they swore to. However, the 'innocent' person still swore to stick by them no matter what. Unless the vows stated a disclaimer including unfaithfulness or something about an open marriage, then I see traditional vows as being pretty black and white. | |
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