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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?      Home login  
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 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 126
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?Page 6 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
to cw35:
i see that you are a good man.
i do not think 40 is too old or young to have not been married.
i did say it is a red flag to me.
but not always.
anyway..
i am hoping for you that you meet that special woman to spend your life with.
you are correct in much that you have said.

there are many women out here, on and off pof, who you can date who will not mind if you have married or not.
personality and your Character comes first.
by yr profile..yours appears to be good.
good luck to you.
 Happy Bachelor
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 127
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 9:50:02 PM
This letter was written in 1909.

Looks like it was written yesterday...


---------------------------------------------------

A BACHELOR'S DEFIANCE


To the Editor:

In view of the criticism directed against bachelors
in this day and age, it seems rather that some of us
have the courage to remain single than as the sub-head
to a letter to the editor in Thursday's edition might
indicate, that we haven't the courage to marry.

It may be admitted that we are selfish, but to judge from
the confessions of some so my soon-to-be married friends,
who would have broken their engagements if they had courage
to do so, the lack of bravery is not on our side. But why
should a man have to offer an apology for remaining single?
I face the world with all my thirty years of single bles-
sedness. If this be treason make the most of it. I always
have the satisfaction of that, barring accidents, my salary
- not a large one - will not only last through the week, but
will leave a net profit.

I have the satisfaction of feeling that if we want to make a
trip at any time it will not be necessary for me to go
without a overcoat to do it. If I spend a dollar for my own
pleasure I am not taking from my family that which it needs
for its support. If I were to loose my position I could go,
grip in hand, half way around the world for another, if I
tought it desirable to do so. Should I "lose out" entirely I
can purchase for myself with the accrued surplus of my
earnings a place in the country, which will afford me a good
living for the remainder of my days. I have no wife to quarrel
with when I reach home late, no bills to worry me, no children
to learn evil ways, and no one to say, "I told you so" when I
make an investment that does not turn out to be profitable.

If there is any explaining to be done it is "up to" the married
men. The bachelors have all the best of it, and the worst which
can come to us - a tax on bachelors - is far less terrifying
from a monetary point of view that the tax of the milliners for
one Fall and Winter hat, Instead of discussing domestic economy
with one woman for life, we may in a single week discuss art,
literature, science, horticulture, politics and deep-sea fishing
with a half dozen women in as many days. If half the married men
were as wise before marriage as they afterward the would be single,
if all women were as wise before marriage as they are afterward
the other half of mankind would be single. I refuse to apologize
for being a bachelor. My one fear is that it is a dream, and I
wake up and find myself married.

UNASHAMED.

New York, Nov. 18, 1909.

-----------------------------------
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 128
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 12:31:21 AM
give me another flag. currently not married, no kids..... not looking to get married, or have kids. Let me know when the next event is, I am getting a nice collection of these red flags.... maybe I can lease them out to Macys for their parade.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 129
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 1:29:19 AM
Just think of how good all those red flags would look being waved by all the undesirable spectators at a sporting event. Someone should have thought of putting a maple leaf on them - thosands of them could have been distributed for the 2010 Olympics maybe we need an anthem too
 Tammy the cat
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 130
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 2:15:31 AM
People are going to be biased one way or another.Those with a bit extra thought will stop an give you the time of day.Why do you want to date prejudiced people anyway(that already consider you as ????? risky or whatever without getting to know you first).Consider this,their loss not yours.People enrich our lives through association.Not everyone can be the love of your life but many can be very close loyal friends.Dont settle for less than what you know you want.First impressions can be deceptive,overall whats underneath is far more important.Keep looking ,she is out there somewhere.
 Motto_Bella
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 131
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 3:07:26 AM

there is a big difference between people that have had children &/or that have been married than those that have not.

^ +1
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 132
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 3:25:26 AM
^^^^And your point is? I get tired of the attitude that so many people who have been married have that we who have not been married know nothing about life because we have not experienced what they have experienced. Guess what? the people who have been married have not experienced what I have experienced. I am not saying that the previous poster has this attitude, I am just saying that there is no wrong or right and at this point in my life what is the big deal if a man has been married and has kids and I have not? I prefer to date men who have grown children or older children who is free of hatred for his exes or is not in love with them. I seem to be penalized so many times since I do not have the same baggage they have if they have problems with an ex or child, and am looked upon as unable to commit or emotionally unhealthy because I have not been married and/or have children. I am also confused by why most of the never married men I have met will not date women who have not been married and prefer women who have been married who have younger children. Maybe they have a knight in shining armor thing going on, or maybe they all feel incomplete without children.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 133
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 3:50:37 AM

^ +1


Scintillating post.

Any fool can get married, and any fool can have children. Neither make one an exceptional person.

Personally, I prefer to stick with people who are actually prepared to do either of those things, not just doing them because they 'can' or 'want to'. And, someone who knows they aren't prepared, either financially, emotionally, or even in a solid enough relationship to do either of those things, appeals to me far more than someone who isn't aware enough to realize that they aren't. To me, having a baby when one isn't in a solid relationship to begin with (because we all know how well babies help to make bad relationships work) or when the parents aren't capable of raising the baby in more than squalor, is far more selfish than being aware enough to realize that their child's life is already going to be starting behind the black ball from day one.

Like I said, any fool can get married, and any fool can have children. Any fool can also get divorced...nothing spectacular about it at all.
 Juste moi Danielle
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 134
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 4:43:18 AM
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?


No. Or at least I didn't think so, as per my earlier posts and any other posts I have ever written whenever these type of threads come up.

However, after reading some of the comments by the very same people who cry fowl at being stereotyped who then turn around and do the exact same thing in reverse and more (baby rabies?? baggage? selfish? damaged? jealous? bitter?), the biggest flag I see waiving around here is the flag of hypocrisy.

You can't demand or expect what you yourself don't offer. I'm sorry but respect is a two way street and just as each person that has never been married/no kids has their own individual story, so do the rest of us...we're NOT all damaged, naive, rabid, bitter, children are NOT baggage and we don't all hate our ex(es). But hey, don't let that stop you, after all, what's a little stereotyping eh?

Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?


Marital/parental status is like everything else to me - it's one part of the whole. It's not because someone has or has not been married or has had or not had children that they are any less or any more of this or that. So no, it's not a red flag, however, hypocrisy is the biggest flag of them all, in my opinion anyway.




 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 135
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 5:16:55 AM
Find me a woman who won't waste years of my life saying they want to be together forever then either leave over some identity crisis or cheat out of the blue and marriage probably wouldn't really be an issue. Personally I'm not sure why people see marriage as some sort of sign that someone is committed to a relationship. It has NOTHING to do with how loyal you are or how good you are as a partner.


What CW? C'mon, just because 50% of marriages fail, and the top causes are 'infidelity' and 'money issues', you don't see marriage as a sign of 'commitment'? I've never cheated, although I've been cheated on (and I would wish that hurt on *noone*), I'm not a cheapskate, although I'm also not going to go buying 'her' (supposed to be "us"?) a $500K house without discussion of how *we* (not *I*, been there, have the scars) pay for it... communication, compromise - partnership. Honestly hard to find I think (otherwise I wouldn't still be single). If I find 'her', a true partner, marriage wouldn't be a problem... or if she didn't want to, not getting married wouldn't be a problem either - neither is a sign of 'commitment' to me - really *being* committed is.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 136
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 5:39:16 AM

So, how come you never got married?

My relationship picker was broken ...
I've done some 'repairs' on it through the years with the things I've learned over the years...

Hell, aren't most of us (except maybe widows/widowers) here because of that?
 Cicciolina
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 137
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 9:56:23 AM
It could be a red flag depending on who is looking.
Men like you are dating GOLD. Alot of people don't want to date people with baggage(divorces, baby mamas, kids) It is just not an attractive deal to some people.

Some people think that an older man that has never committed to someone long term or married must be defective.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 138
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 12:36:51 PM

I'm 45 and have never married and never had kids.
Things just never worked out for me in this matter.
So why is it, when this info is revealed a red flag goes up?
I use to think this would play to my advantage, but after turning 40 I could see the table had been turned.
Any thoughts?

For me, it would not be a red flag, but it would be a "duly noted". Most folks do get married and/or have kids, a lifetime of being primarily single would be a bit out of the 'norm', but who the hell wants to go by everything Norm says?
I can only speculate that having never married, or never having kids,are just kind of 'different', like having 6 toes or being able to wiggle your ears, or having one blue eye and one brown eye. "Different" just scares the hell out of people, for some reason. That said, OP, there isn't much you can do about it NOW, is there? We can send a man to the moon but we can't turn back time.
Cindy O
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 139
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 12:46:19 PM

Any fool can get married, and any fool can have children. Neither make one an exceptional person.

+1 with a bullet

I'm not sure where the marrieds, or formerly marrieds and/or those with kids think they have now had some magical endowment placed upon them that separates them from the rest of us common folk. Something about themselves that makes them so much better than the rest of us. I see them as just as big of failures as the rest of us.

They are NOT special.

They are NOT unique.

They do NOT have special powers or endowments.

They are COMMON. Just like us.

Yet that doesn't stop them from asserting that because they are married, have been married (once or even several times), and/or have kids that this makes them a "somebody".

You aren't.

You're a nobody.

Just like the rest of us.

Prove to me that being married past or present, and/or having kids makes you so much more special than the person next to you...or makes you smarter...or faster...or richer...or whatever, and I'll be glad to eat my words and kick my own ass for missing the bus.

But we all know that not one will be able to accomplish that challenge. Reality sucks, eh?
 verityone
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 140
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 1:05:03 PM

Any fool can get married, and any fool can have children.

And they do.
They get married multiple times (which is only possible because they divorce every time they get married).
They have kids multiple times (which anyone who has reached puberty can do), sometimes with multiple partners.

Neither make one an exceptional person.

Oh, that's debatable...

I'll disagree, to some extent, on whether or not that makes them qualify as exceptional...

Anytime someone feels they're distinguished, I always as "Why?"
Makes for amusing conversation.

Extraordinary claims, require extraordinary proof.

I reject claims, that are void of proof.

I don't just buy into 'hype'...
 verityone
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 141
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 1:45:27 PM
Everyone here lied to me too!?!

That's right.

You're not that special, Snowflake.

Your Daddy lied...

P.S. Oh, and those 'Speedy' guys too. Never trust a guy with 'Speedy' anything embroidered on his clothes...
 Juste moi Danielle
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 142
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 2:15:46 PM
Never trust a guy with 'Speedy' anything embroidered on his clothes...

Or better still, never let a speedy guy thrust you!

 verityone
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 143
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 3:23:17 PM
I'm 45 and have never married and never had kids.

Congratulations.
I'm 42, never been married, and have no kids.
Life's been great, and keeps getting better.

Things just never worked out for me in this matter.

You mean, your life has sucked, without being married with children?
I don't understand why you didn't just go after those things, if you wanted them.
They're not that difficult to achieve.
I could have had a wife many times, and could have fathered _______ of times.

Still can...

So why is it, when this info is revealed a red flag goes up?

Because there's the common phenomena that many people will become jaded, bitter, angry, insecure, cynical, and paranoid delusionals, as they age.

It's called "damaged"

I use to think this would play to my advantage, but after turning 40 I could see the table had been turned.
Any thoughts?

Sure.

My 'resume' actually works in my favour, compared to "divorced/with kids".

My past is behind me, the collateral damage has been minimal, my financial income is not affected by my past, and my autonomy is intact.
I'm kinda like a 'born again virgin', everytime I get in a new relationship...

Read my previous answer, and understand that as we age, a larger and larger number of people will succumb to being "damaged".

The "damage" is often well below the surface, so they're not that easy to spot with the naked eye, or with casual contact (ie: IM, chatting on the phone, meeting for coffee, dinner etc, etc...).
It's best to take the approach of giving the benefit of the doubt to people.
However, investing too much in them, is not a good idea, till you've peeled back many layers. You will have little control in what someone is willing to do, to facilitate that.

Nor is it wise to making them the only one you're investigating. Especially, if they're not willing to facilitate revealing their authentic self.

If the expectation is there ,that they must be the only one you are seeing, chances are enormous, that they are afraid they will not measure up well, against others.

The more people you meet, the more you'll find differences in people; and which ones are genuinely interested in being authentic and engaging, and which ones are "Red Flags" themselves, and being entirely solipsistic.

YMMV
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 144
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 3:53:17 PM
OK , I cannot claim "never married"..because I was, for a long time,and he passed away unexpectedly. But I'm not an official biological parent...which just baffles the HELL out of people sometimes.
Ah well
however

It's best to take the approach of giving the benefit of the doubt to people.
However, investing too much in them, is not a good idea, till you've peeled back many layers. You will have little control in what someone is willing to do, to facilitate that.

Nor is it wise to making them the only one you're investigating. Especially, if they're not willing to facilitate revealing their authentic self.


I absolutely GET what's being conveyed here, and it's how I've chosen to lead my life since becoming unexpectedly single.
The problem is, that so many cannot understand this, they think that you have "walled off" your heart, or that you are some kind of player. And I suspect that one COULD over-do this strategy and wander into "walled-up heart/player" territory.
Since 80% of people regard "success" as "being WITH someone"...being married or in a LTR, I can't at this point claim that model of "sucess". I do however, live life on my own terms, within the laws of God, man and gravity. I cannot claim splendid finances, but what I do have hasn't been drained or otherwise mucked up by a bad relationship decision. If I want drama, I have to turn on the TV, rent a movie, read a book or visit the PoF forums. I don't have a big anger, resentment or hate for any person or group of persons,except persons or groups who make a practice of doing unjustified/unmotivated HARM to others.
So I don't call "never married/no kids a flag of any color, just a fact to take note of,because it's not nearly as common as being(or having been) married, and having children once one gets up over 40.
Cindy O
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 145
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 4:48:19 PM
I have a sister who's in her late 50's who's never been married and has no kids. That was her choice, but I guess some people would automatically red flag her without knowing her.

My sister was considered a "hottie" in her younger days. Guys were always pursuing her and she had no shortage of boyfriends and relationships. She had a few serious relationships and had marriage proposals that she ultimately turned down. Part of the problem is she's extremely career driven. Her career is everything to her. She is highly intelligent, highly educated (has a Ph. D.), she's a big shot executive making a six figure salary, and has written books that are used in university studies. She is very generous with donations to a number of charities and does volunteer work.

The guys that proposed to her wanted her to go the trailer trash route-forget about a career, stay home barefoot and pregnant and pop out kids every nine months while the guy is the sole wage earner and goes off with his buddies fishing, golfing, chasing girls, etc. The guys didn't want the threat of her making the same or a higher wage than them and having a higher education level.

Even though she' never been married and has no kids. she's a much more productive member of society and has contributed more to society than most other people will ever do.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 146
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 4:53:10 PM
^^^^ Good for her!!
 *~* Blondie *~*
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 147
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 6:00:47 PM
If thats a red flag--------------------BRING it on!!!

I seem to be dating men with ex's and kids that are attached to his hip- I NOW welcome the no kid/never married man!!
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 148
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:28:00 PM
Blondie- Unfortunately, distance prevents me from taking you up on that!
 Accidentally In Love
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 149
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:42:28 PM
I would be a complete hypocrite if I thought that was a red flag...I think it's a huge bonus!
 Sophie the Cat
Joined: 2/26/2010
Msg: 150
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 7:46:25 PM
Zekestone...

This is hilarious! I think you're a somebody and if your tv is in colour, it doesn't lie - well that's what my dad told me, anyway!

Thanks for a good laugh.javascript:smilie('')
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