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 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 26
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationshipsPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
100% of the 20+ year relationships that I know personally involved the woman choosing the man and (somewhat) pursuing him. They got it their minds that they wanted that particular guy and behaved accordingly. Maybe I should be more aggressive in finding/picking out a guy...

 tarotdream
Joined: 10/12/2008
Msg: 27
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 9:57:06 PM

Maybe I should be more aggressive in finding/picking out a guy...


Here I am.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 28
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 10:00:00 PM

They got it their minds that they wanted that particular guy and behaved accordingly.

Yes. This is almost word for word what I was told by my exes that pursued me LOL.

"I saw it. I wanted it. If I waited for you to realize that you wanted me too, someone else woulda got you. Unacceptable."

My exes rule
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 29
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/11/2010 10:09:19 PM
I wouldn't say pickier because that has a negative connotation, but perhaps women are more discerning and use their noodle a little more in choosing mates. Consequently because some thought has been put into compatibility and other things, when a woman initiates it has a better chance because it wasn't just like pin the tail on the donkey.
 Chasing~Cars
Joined: 1/4/2010
Msg: 30
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/12/2010 9:45:59 AM
Define interest please? Interest could be anything from a passing glance to a controlling stalker and in my experience; some women can be just as bad as men in this area. Both genders play their interest to the same end; they just play the game differently. Interest can be a subtle “I like that” to a controlling manipulative “I will have that” and neither gender is excluded from the range of interest or how they play it.


Men feel physical attraction first, then emotional attraction, then mental attraction.

Woman first look for mental chemistry, then emotional attraction, then physical attraction.


Really? Hmmm, And you know how all men feel? I guess I’m an enigma then, I notice first then after the interest, I focus on the mental and emotional, the visuals have already been established, can be put on hold and they can change by the other two criteria as they grow. And the woman who showed interest in me openly admitted that it was my original picture that got her and then my profile, so I guess you’re wrong on both counts in your gender assumption, but if you feel like continuing the great divide of the genders, please continue!

And she says that I showed the initial interest! Hah! I was just floating around minding my own business and she had to poke her nose in and say hi, nice profile! I returned the compliment for I too found her interesting along with her profile and it was a continual mutual interest from there on, neither one of us is pursuing yet we keep catching one another.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 31
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/12/2010 10:45:40 AM
Chasing~Cars .. There is no divide on genders, and I am well aware that all individuals are not the same. It all varies on how healthy they are. Congratulations, you have stepped up on the latter and realize that physical attraction is not that important.

As for my quote that came from a man. John Gray, Ph.D.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 32
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/12/2010 10:50:42 AM

Define interest please? Interest could be anything from a passing glance to a controlling stalker
those were my thoughts too. As well.. define:
"lasted longer!" two weeks as opposed to three? Two months as opposed to three months? Six months as opposed to a year? My hub of 32 years persued and initiated first. My less structured ex initiated first, but it appeared to me that I did most of the persuing after that. So.. I suspect the defining factor rests on what one's definition of "successful" is and what "longer" means to each individual. I consider them both successful within the dynamics of each relationship.

Edited to add:
As for my quote that came from a man. John Gray, Ph.D.
He's intitled to his opinion.. and that would be all it is as he couldn't possibly know what ALL are thinking or how ALL men act.
 DebiDuzDishes
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 33
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/12/2010 10:52:38 AM
Maybe thats my mistake!!

Both men i fell in love with.... PURSUED me with ALL thier might!!

I have pursued men in the past to no avail. ..im a crappy flirt tho.
 BBQ Spider
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 34
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:14:27 AM
What now, OP? if women are pickier; and men are more forgiving; but better relationships result when women do the choosing -- does this mean we should all attempt to be less forgiving?

Seriously -- I'm assuming you are using "initiate contact" and "pursue" to have interchangeable meanings (otherwise the gender comparison is already compromised).
I agree I have found the better relationships started where I initiated contact.

I'd give a great deal to know just why this is. It makes no sense to me, because, after all, women do still choose to say either "yes" or "no" when it is the man initiating contact.

p.s. to onefishwill do -- don't you give up now. there are plenty of open-minded men, now get out there and get you one !!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 35
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:29:38 AM

Seriously -- I'm assuming you are using "initiate contact" and "pursue" to have interchangeable meanings (otherwise the gender comparison is already compromised).
I agree I have found the better relationships started where I initiated contact.

I do want to comment on this. I agree that initiating contact/conversation or approaching someone and pursuing someone aren't close to the same thing.

Personally I think if you have to pursue (or chase, let's face it) someone it means they're either not that into you, or are but they like to be chased as a thrill which means you'll always have to do it to keep them interested - neither of which is good for a serious relationship.
 fastdogphotog
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 36
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:52:32 AM

I remember reading an article a while back that said relationships where the woman was the first to initiate contact had a higher chance of developing into a long-term relationship, rather than when the man pursued the woman . . . . I’m interested in hearing how others have fared when they pursued, or were pursued by the opposite sex.


I see two separate but related ideas here - who initiates contact and who pursues. It has been my experience IRL that it makes little to no difference who initiates contact, but it does make a difference whether I feel interested enough to pursue. Granted, things could be different on here, but I don't have enough experience yet to make a reasonable comparison.

U Make It Entertaining said:

Therefor if a woman initiates contact first she has taken the time to read the profile fully to see if she finds the man interesting. Men on the other hand are more interested in how the woman looks. It amazes me the emails I receive, where the man has not even taken the time to read my profile to see if there is even a match.


I don't know. Women may read profiles more than men, but that doesn't necessarily mean they give any more thought to whether it's a good match or not. For example, in both photos and text I make it pretty clear that I have a dog and am active with other dog owners. Yet I have received multiple first contact emails from women who state in their profiles that they either i) can't stand dogs; ii) have an intense dislike for pets or animals in general; or iii) are so severely allergic to dogs that they can't even be around someone who owns one.
 Chasing~Cars
Joined: 1/4/2010
Msg: 37
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:57:14 AM

As for my quote that came from a man. John Gray, Ph.D.


Yes, a man who makes a living selling books and lecturing. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but, how about using your own perceptions and not living in others words. If you are well aware that all individuals are not the same, then why quote a statement that corrals them all in a definition? But you are correct, it all depends on how healthy they are and two people who are healthy enough to know they have their own sh!t, are far more healthy than those who claim to know what every one else needs to do to fix them selves.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 38
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/12/2010 12:01:53 PM

I do want to comment on this. I agree that initiating contact/conversation or approaching someone and pursuing someone aren't close to the same thing
exactly!


Personally I think if you have to pursue (or chase, let's face it) someone it means they're either not that into you, or are but they like to be chased as a thrill which means you'll always have to do it to keep them interested - neither of which is good for a serious relationship[
Exactly and, which goes back to what I said earlier; define "successful" and "longer." .. "Successful" and "longer" is subjective to the individual and what type of relationship one is comparing it to.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 39
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/12/2010 12:10:26 PM
OP- I dunno. My ex gf made the first move after we first met.

we'd exchanged phone numbers and she called me the next day right after lunch.
but i took it from there at that point.

we were together 10 months or so?
 imberywitchy
Joined: 3/4/2010
Msg: 40
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/14/2010 7:42:28 AM
I have only been on pof for a couple of weeks so my most recent expierence of being pursued by a male was quite interesting. Profile said he was divorced (?) and looking for most of the same things I am but he is 15years younger than me. Started out as a (gent) and sent pics and said really looked forward to getting to know me. He had a sense of humor which really peaked my interest and made me laugh. Am interested in a basic friendship so pursued back. After two weeks of nonsense I requested a meeting to see who he really is and he has now just up and disappeared. what's with you guys. do you already have too many friends or just here for fun and games or unable to be friends with the opposite sex or actually married though it says divorced???????. Some of my best friends were male which is great. Can get a different prospective of things from their views.
Recently talked to another gent whom I initiated contact with. It seems to be going okay so far. So maybe we women really do have it together.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 41
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/14/2010 8:00:04 AM
In my experience, men have needed to know I am interested. The degree of upfront interest I've had to show has varied but almost always has involved me making first contact of some sort, whether on or off line.

What I have heard from these men is that they are wary of being "put down" by women and so are reluctant to make the first move. Universally they have said it just works out better for them if women make the first move.

I have a good man-friend who says "Women always are the ones to make the choice". This man is not shy about making intial contact, but doesn't worry about put downs. He just lets women know is available to be chosen by some sort of greeting, much like, I suppose, the act of putting a profile on a dating site shows one is available.

So maybe the line is blurry...does the smile across the room or the on-line profile count as initial interest just in the fact that one is passivily letting someone know they are available ? Or is initial interest always the more aggessive act (to some degree) of actually saying "hey, you caught my eye"?
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 42
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/14/2010 9:54:19 PM
What I got when I was the one pursuing was a man who was passive and non-committal. On the other hand, I was the first (and so far only) relationship he was in that lasted over a year. Maybe that says something.
 dave878
Joined: 2/22/2010
Msg: 43
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/15/2010 12:26:06 AM
Well, let's think of it this way, ladies: how many of the attractive guys you see in a week actually do make a move toward you? 1%? 10%? So by leaving it to them you've eliminated 90-99% of your potential matches. Seems only logical that you've a vastly increased chance of finding Mr Right if you're doing the hunting too rather than waiting for a guy who's actively pursuing at that precise monent and who doesn't spot one of your competitors first. And if he's intimidated or uptight about an approach then good riddance, who wants a prissy chauvinist anyway? Go get 'em!
 Rarebird76
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 44
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/15/2010 12:55:47 AM
Let's see: me initiating = rejected rejected rejected. Last woman I was seeing SHE initiated contact on this very site. If a woman initiates contact I know she's interested which saves me a large amount of frustration and stress. I'm not wasting my time, energy and thought by initiating anymore. Fruitless
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 45
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/15/2010 12:56:34 AM
yeah, maybe i should be more aggressive too.
so tarotdream..
i should ask you if you want to marry me.
then all the people who posted in my thread about "wont share" in the relationship forum who insisted that i cared about marriage more than the person himself would be correct.
they could cut and paste and prove how right they are that all i care about is getting married and it doesnt matter who the man is. .
sheeeesh...

ok..i am just annoyed at those comments they wrote.

on pof i send first e mails.
i also receive first e mails.
and i read that women should not send a first e mail.
why not?
i dont get all this game playing of who does what first.
if two people meet and like each other..doesnt matter who did what first.

i am thinking that pursuing is different than just sending a first e mail.
so, i guess in that case i do not pursue men.
i pretty much gave up on pof anyway.

i have my forum friends
and people i write to regularly..
and thats all i want from here.
if something else should happen...wow..that would be nice..
but i wont look for it.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 46
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Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/24/2010 9:32:01 AM

As a tangent, could this mean that women are pickier when it comes to choosing men, whereas men are more forgiving when it comes choosing a mate? (I’m not trying to start a battle of the sexes, really:-) )


You know, you've made me rethink my original position. I'm looking at the guys around me and the criteria they use to choose women. They tend to choose women solely for their looks, their youth, and whether they will screw them. They completely ignore intelligence and character. They end up in these idiotic relationships that don't last. They complain about problems with these women that were completely predictable had they been paying the slightest attention.

The women I know - at least the ones over 40 - take into consideration a guy's age and looks but they really look for character and compatibility.

Maybe you're right. My experience is that the men are not more "forgiving," they are blinded by appearance and making decisions with their d*ck. Don't mean to be harsh but that's what I'm seeing going on around me a lot.
 MySpoonIsTooBig!
Joined: 2/20/2010
Msg: 47
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/24/2010 9:41:13 AM
The long term relationships that I look back on fondly are the ones where it was either the woman making that first move or simply the two of us showing equal interest. Meanwhile, the ones where I initiated things didn't go so well for either of us. Apparently, I really suck at picking the good ones, so I'm much more comfortable when they approach me or it's a 50/50 thing. No more chasing for me...
 briargate
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 48
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/24/2010 9:59:36 AM
What you are not going to find in studies is how successful relationships are where both the man and woman present themselves honestly and select one another based on qualities that are actually important to them, rather than superficial qualities that seem like good things to select for like hair color. I would wager this trumps variables like whether or not the girl chooses the man.
 uniquesoul1011
Joined: 3/18/2010
Msg: 49
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/24/2010 10:07:08 AM
I show initial interest on guys sometimes IRL but not here. I've tried to initiate here too but most of them considered it as a sex invitation.
 MySpoonIsTooBig!
Joined: 2/20/2010
Msg: 50
Showing initial interest and its effect on relationships
Posted: 3/24/2010 10:09:22 AM

What you are not going to find in studies is how successful relationships are where both the man and woman present themselves honestly and select one another based on qualities that are actually important to them, rather than superficial qualities that seem like good things to select for like hair color. I would wager this trumps variables like whether or not the girl chooses the man.

Damn good point, man. Certainly fits in my case when I look back on things...
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