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| | Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnosePage 2 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | | A few of you people in this thread couldn't be serious. Making up having cancer because he wanted to get laid and does not want anything to do with her? We can all be harsh, for the most part but a few of you are just taking it over board. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 7:11:08 PM |
I hope you don't listen to the cynical posts suggesting the man was dishonest or even selfish in withdrawing. If that closeness you gave him is the last one he remembers for a while, that can be a gift. dude, I wasn't being cynical Im just saying I find it weird that one 1) he has sex with her before he found he had Cancer and he knew he was going in for test and they discussed not going into the relationship to having sex, finding out he has it and not wanting to talk to her because of it.
I known people who has and died from cancer and the last thing they want was to be left alone, they cherish the support, I just found it weird that he had sex with her and was good enough for that and soon he found out now he pushing her away, most people I know if they suspect they have may in some case do the opposite.
Dont turn it into a conspiracy statement about him using her for sex | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 7:20:25 PM |
he has sex with her before he found he had Cancer and he knew he was going in for test
Ever heard of sex being a good stress reliever? He was obviously stressed out pre-diagnosis, and she let him get intimate with her, so he took it and therefore released some steam. I don’t think he is in the wrong at all. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 10:05:13 PM | Thanks for all the replies...
My post is not about he using me for sex, or me having doubts about him being ill; it's about how to handle his withdrawal since I'm confused about which path to follow, reach out to him and show I care or respect his silence and leave him alone.
He has cancer, I'm 100% sure... and I'm deeply sorry it's that way.
Now for the sex part; I mentioned it in my post as just another fact of the many I considered I needed to disclose to be able to get the most objective advice. He didn't do or act anything different after sex, was the same guy before and after, then I don't have any reason to relate his present behavior with us being intimate.
His behavior changed after he was told the bad news, so for me, and the cynical can call me naive, that's the reason he decided to withdraw.
It's so easy make judgements in cold, but I'm not in his mind, I don't feel his pain, I don't feel his fear. From my comfortable position of being healthy physically and emotionally I could say I would never act this way but the truth is I don't know. In any case, I would gladly take the sadness I'm feeling -for him- and the silent treatment 10 more times cause they can't be compared with what he's facing. He will be fine, but has to walk a long road that is not easy.
I will keep you posted and also I will reply some of the post here that deserve a good answer from me.... Thanks again | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 11:41:21 PM |
god i really hate to be cynical...
Do you?
if there is no communication there can be no real relationship and not even any road to the beginning of one... there can only be "let's fuk and pretend like it means something"
So according to you if he doesn't communicate with me as before after has been informed he has a serious illness I have to assume it's not because that but because he ****3d me and pretended it means something.... Yeah, got your thinking process; it's all about the fu6k and nothing about those emotions like fear and uncertainty that for sure are freaking him out... Give me a break!
if he doesn't want to talk to you then i hate to say i'd begin to think it has everything to do with his prostate, but nothing to do with his diagnosis.
I was dating a man not a stallion... He's more than his prostate. I see you find difficult to grasp the concept that people is more than glands. Being a man doesn't make him immune to emotions or fears.
prostate cancer is not that big a deal when caught early
Yeah sure.... Not big deal until it happens to YOU. Thanks God you don't have a prostate! | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/11/2010 11:54:54 PM |
You know what I find weird about this story is, the guy tells you he has cancer, and you were good enough to have sex with it but since then he's decided to wallow in silence leaving you out of the loop, leaving you wondering what should you do?
Sex happens even before the biopsy. If you take the time to read my post and follow the story line correctly you will see he didn't disappear 'like a mobster in witness protection' after we were intimate but after he got his diagnosis.
That is very selfish on his part, assuming he has this cancer as he claims?
Claim a cancer to get laid... Don't you think you are going way over the top with that assumption? It's ok to be cynical dude, but don't let that takes away your common sense. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 12:05:05 AM |
Sorry op..Either way He sounds like a real *****
First of all 4 weeks into knowing him, he all of a sudden knows everything about prostrate cancer? Tells you after sex..pulease.
Nah, it is a lie IMO.
Makes him a real **** like I said.
Move on..He has made it clear in my eyes he wants nothing to do with you.
Hey, I know my English is kinda crazy but where in post says he knows everything about PC... Actually I think he knows very little and is making wrong assumptions about the probable outcome. Hope his doctors get him straight soon!
Tells me after sex???? How, when, where??? I appreciate the time you all take to reply the suffering OPs like myself, but you have to read -twice maybe?- before replying. You got all mixed up...
Yes, seems he doesn't want nothing to do with me; is his prerrogative. From there to be the a&&hole you are portraying there's a long distance. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 3:15:36 AM | Hey OP, thanks for sharing your story. I'm surprised that the intimacy issues were morphed into a game by some when it's clear, at least to some of us, that it was a mutual exchange of affection.
I have a guy friend in his late 40s who recently met a woman online.
They dated for several months and things were going very well when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
He was there for her, but ultimately she asked him to step away from the relationship because she didn't have the energy to dedicate to developing it.
There was mention that they might try to pick up the relationship later if he was still unattached.
He was sad to have to let go, but of course he had to respect her wishes.
I suspect that, while she really liked him, their relationship hadn't developed to the point where he could be the go-to support in her life.
It's possible that is the reason for this man's withdrawal.
What ever the reason, my suggestion would be to call or write and present the options you're willing to offer. Let him choose.
You said you'd respectfully step aside, or be there for support. Let him know this. What ever the answer, be it silence or a reply, the gesture of making the contact will be genuine and appreciated.
Tell him there is a group of cyber-strangers rooting for him. Good luck to you both.  | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 4:11:41 AM | Do you?
Nah…. You’re right. I love being cynical. Because most of the time it’s justified eventually. What I meant to say is that I hate being cynical about *your* situation….
So according to you if he doesn't communicate with me as before after has been informed he has a serious illness I have to assume it's not because that but because he ****3d me and pretended it means something.... Yeah, got your thinking process; it's all about the fu6k and nothing about those emotions like fear and uncertainty that for sure are freaking him out... Give me a break!
Okay, here’s your break. Don’t read too much into what I said. I have no idea about what’s going on in your man friend's mind. I merely offered an alternative scenario… because yes… I am cynical and I admit it. However, I could have easily played it the other way. Believe it or not, I could have just as easily said to you, that men in fear tend to withdraw deeply... sometimes even to the point of withdrawing from their own family. But regardless of which way I played it….. notice that the NET RESULT of what I said was the SAME… i.e., that you should call him. so I hope you did, and I hope that he felt encouraged or at least comforted by your words.
I was dating a man not a stallion... He's more than his prostate. I see you find difficult to grasp the concept that people is more than glands. Being a man doesn't make him immune to emotions or fears.
While I recognize that men are not immune to emotions or fears, I also recognize that many people are essentially walking glands. Take it or leave it.
Yeah sure.... Not big deal until it happens to YOU. Thanks God you don't have a prostate!
You can say that again. But what I actually meant was… not a big deal “medically”… i.e.., usually a good prognosis,… highly survivable... 100% cureable. but is it scary as hell? of course it is. all of that is obvious enough, but thanks for putting your own spin on my words. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 4:44:57 AM | I confess that it did occur to me that a guy might pretend to have a cancer diagnosis to get sex. I know a guy who pretended that he was going to jail on a trumped up charge to get sex (it worked perfectly), so why not cancer?
But this doesn't sound like that. I haven't experienced exactly this, being in danger myself, but I know what it's like to be starting a relationship and have something very serious and difficult come up. New romantic relationships are VERY hard work for people who actually care about the one they are with. Combine that with the natural depression and total mind-shift someone must go through with something as rough as a possible death sentence, and the guy's withdrawal makes complete sense.
The suggestion to communicate your appreciation of him as a person, and your willingness to be a supportive friend, is all you can do. I think if I WERE in his position, I would worry that the woman's caring would be confused by my condition to her detriment, and cause the relationship to go off course in a way impossible to chart. It would be too difficult to know or tell how much of us being together was due to her instinctive caring response, and how much was because of who I was, AND to tell if MY desire for HER was being intensified by the diagnosis beyond what it should. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 5:04:09 AM | | I wonder, OPie... have you been in contact again? I know it hasn't been long but I keep thinking about this thread, admittedly more from his POV than yours!! I do hope he will be open to having your support in coming weeks. I know I am naive at times (my last relationship was fully dissected in the broken hearts forum!!) but I wish for a happy ending for you both. Yeah. Sappy shyte. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 5:04:14 AM | I am cynical, yes. I do not believe he pretended to have cancer, what I believe is that he already has a support system in place and does not need anything from the OP.
The sex? Well that was just a man taking advantage of a very willing partner no matter what the circumstances. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 5:26:50 AM | The bold ignorance and naiveté of some of the people giving advice here sometimes makes me feel sad and tired.
It is not cynical to point out he might have lied; it's a real option. The cancer card; the "oops I just now realized I'm gay" card; the death-in-the-family card; the "my ex just showed back up 8 months pregnant and she says it's mine" card.
These are real things that real people really do. I personally have known people who haved used these cards (and had them used) as a coward's way to escape with a hope of minimum muss and fuss. "I can back off, she will understand why, and not come after me." | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 6:08:01 AM | Igor wrote: It would be too difficult to know or tell how much of us being together was due to her instinctive caring response, and how much was because of who I was, AND to tell if MY desire for HER was being intensified by the diagnosis beyond what it should.
I'm nearly positive this is what my ex feels/felt about me, and part of the reason our relationship failed. And my truthful response is I don't know for certain what came first: my love for my ex, or my compassion/need to be in that care giving role. (When I met my ex, I was in grief reaction from the death of my terminally ill husband.) Once my ex found himself in solid recovery from his addictions and behavioral problems, the questioning began. In the last conversation we shared about our relationship, the final thing he said to me was "I don't know why you even accepted me in the first place. It bothers me a lot."
Therefore, supportive friendship is the smartest choice. If the crisis passes favorably, then maybe love will blossom. But until then, keep your distance.
PS-thanks Mister Frankensteen. This is something I've been trying to work out in my head. Your post gave me a leg up. Now I have to decide if I should share it with the ex. He asked, afterall, and when a person asks, I prefer to answer when I can. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 6:08:58 AM |
The sex? Well that was just a man taking advantage of a very willing partner no matter what the circumstances.
I see you're one of the sheeple who have been told that women should be trained to think of sex as a dirty, horrible, sinful act and only men get any pleasure from it, and women should avoid it like the plague. I guess it's not possible for a woman to take advantage of a man or a woman initiating the sex. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 6:26:54 AM | I had a similar situation two years ago, dating for couple of months when the day after we became intimate he calls excited to share that he recvd a call from transplant hospital that they have a liver for him, : o he had not previously told me he was having this medical issue. pretty surprising...
I was upset hearing about it and didn't really know what to do, I wondered; will he be okay medically? would he want my support? do I want to stick around and give that support? then I kind of realized I would just be who I am and let it be...so I offered the support, and off he went the next day for his transplant surgery. I sent him a card and small gift while he was at the hospital, and a week later he contacted me while recuperating at the hospital program they stay in a while and we continued talking. I told him I'd be there if he wanted me to, but left it in his court to communicate that. once he came home he called again and seemed to need a friend, so I went to visit him, brought him dinner and we talked, watched dancing with the stars,etc. he really needed and appreciated the companionship and warmth having someone there. the difference here is he would be in a recuperative state for many weeks so the issue of romance/sex was of course off the table, although he played with the idea, flirtingly, but no way I would go there, as it was not really appropriate in terms of his recovery, and I felt compassion more than anything else at that time. I was there as a friend really. anyway, we remained friends, and perhaps bc of the medical situation something else could not really develop. but he's a good guy, who showed courage in a scary situation and I believe I showed kindness. those personal interactions have much meaning in life too... | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 6:43:52 AM |
Claim a cancer to get laid... Don't you think you are going way over the top with that assumption? It's ok to be cynical dude, but don't let that takes away your common sense. common sense? good lord you want to be p issed at me for making a comment is one thing, saying I lack common sense is another.
Maybe you need re read what I said, and to clarify what I said I SAID ITS SEEMS WEIRD, Ive lost two friends recently to cancer and not including one of my buddy wife a few years back. So your topic hits home, I understand everyone reacts different to the news of cancer, and my two friends who lost the battle to cancer not once was sex on their mind, I understand you guys had sex BEFORE he found out , that I GET, most people when they find out they MIGHT or have to go for test, its generally the last thing on their mind is what im saying, and you even said you guys discussed not taking this relationship further because of the possibility.
Has the thought of him faking it to get laid, Yeah it entered in my mind, I'm not going to lie , and if you cant accept other opinion whether im right or wrong is not important. thats the nature of public forums, If you say he has it then , ok and I feel sorry for the dude, at least he caught it early and be there to support him like friends do. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 6:59:32 AM | | ^sorry you lost your friends, seems you may be comparing very different stages of dealing with cancer. you mention that with your two friends that lost their battle with cancer, that not once was sex on their mind. not sure what you mean, the entire time they were alive post diagnosis? living with cancer is challenging, but most people will have an interest in regular life activities including sex for as long as they can. in fact I think remaining sexual is life affirming. in this scenario you have someone who was dating, and his reactions seem quite typical for the stage they were at. as far as him wanting to talk about it or seek her support that is influenced by how well they know each other, he may be uncomfortable being vulnerable with a woman he has romantic feelings for at an early stage. not the same as a long time friend like in your situation. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 7:27:21 AM | What I mean Alilove, was my friend of twenty plus years found out she had cancer ( ovarian) and she just met a guy and when she found out and told him about it, at first he was supportive until he found out her sex drive just went, and he was gone, but she wasnt upset over it because she was preparing for the battle of her life, unfortunately she lost her battle on Dec 5,2009.
My other friend was dating someone at the time when he found out , and it was prostate cancer and same thing, I realize yes people react different to the news. some can maintain it some cannot I guess.
Anyways lets not take away from the OP's thread, dont want to be accused of straw manning the thread | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 11:52:00 AM |
I hope you don't listen to the cynical posts suggesting the man was dishonest or even selfish in withdrawing. If that closeness you gave him is the last one he remembers for a while, that can be a gift.
The 'cynical' posts if do something is making me appreciate even more his honesty. I'm glad we got to share an intimate moment, and yes, that can be a gift in his present circumstances.
I'm surprised that the intimacy issues were morphed into a game by some when it's clear, at least to some of us, that it was a mutual exchange of affection..
It was exactly that, two people exchanging their mutual affection through sex.
The sex? Well that was just a man taking advantage of a very willing partner no matter what the circumstances..
Why if I don't feel used you insist I have to feel that way? How did he take advantage of me? I enjoyed myself the same way he did, I make my OWN decision to be intimate with him the same way he made his OWN decision, he had his reasons and I had mine; Why he's the villain and I am the poor little girl? This kind of thinking is just damaging; under your reasoning every time a woman is intimate with a man has to feel she was taken advantage of, which is not truth. Women like me were taught to make their own decisions and accept the consequences of them; and that of course include sex.
It would be too difficult to know or tell how much of us being together was due to her instinctive caring response, and how much was because of who I was, AND to tell if MY desire for HER was being intensified by the diagnosis beyond what it should.
You hit the nail with this one. It's exactly how I see it. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 12:25:41 PM | | A lot of men on POF sure come down with "Cancer" on this site. And a few other bugs. Yeah, I am glad I do not chat , meet and screw these kind. Any kind for that matter but even more the on line ones who people seem to believe. You got used in my eyes. Of coarse you will try to blast me and say you did not. But no one just all of a sudden has cancer like this. Come on. And according to your post #29, you do NOT know if he has it unless you went to a Doctor with him and HEARD it all. It takes more than one or two little so called Doctor visits for some assinine medical condition he is feeding you. I wish you luck on the next one. I cannot wait to se what he has, after chatting for a month and letting emotions get the best of you. If he did not use you then great. If it as so mutual why not just not start a thread on doing a guy you do not know? Unreal. Well not really. Men and women of society today lack a lot of things. I will stop there. LOL | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 12:29:53 PM | First of all OP.
You get different points of view on a thread, that's why they are so interesting.
I do not think he told you he had cancer to GET sex .
I think he was a **** to go into talking about it and have sex with you then disappear.
You are 100% sure because you went with him to the doctor and heard the diagnosis?
I do find it ODD as hell that you know someone 4 weeks and they tell you they have or may have the BIG C.
My dad died of it. Prostrate..
My best friend died of it. Pancreas..
Neither one told a soul until they were a 100% sure and then only very intimate friends and family.
I hope he doesn't have it.
It is a horrible thing to die of.
So if you think highly of him..pray he WAS lying OR jumped the gun in discussing such a thing.
Which IMO was ODD as hell. | |
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| Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 12:33:16 PM |
I SAID ITS SEEMS WEIRD, Ive lost two friends recently to cancer ... I understand everyone reacts different to the news of cancer, and my two friends who lost the battle to cancer not once was sex on their mind, I understand you guys had sex BEFORE he found out , that I GET, most people when they find out they MIGHT or have to go for test, its generally the last thing on their mind is what im saying, and you even said you guys discussed not taking this relationship further because of the possibility.
I'm sorry for your lost, I've been there and know how hard it is.
You've said it, everyone reacts different. Your friend didn't feel like thinking in sex, the guy I was dating felt it different.
He just turn 51 the same day, no history of cancer in his family, had been told by his doctors his risk was just 35%; so I can tell you he was more optimistic than pessimistic about the final outcome. What he told me is in case things were wrong he didn't feel would be fair for me go further since sex most probably -statistics show it, even my brother says in medicine you never know- would be an issue difficult to deal with. Honestly, I appreciate the time he took to think about me even if it was 0.001% of his thoughts. | |
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Yeah. I guess I'll go ahead and start lying about a terminal illness just to get laid, and then disappear.