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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..      Home login  
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 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 51
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Much more than who makes more money this issue seems to be about how he handles his money vs. how you handle your money.

I knew a family man who spent half his paycheck on himself before considering the rent, utilities, food, etc. His reasoning was that he also did a lot of side work to bring in money yet his family never saw any of that money either. He was so bad about money that he would end up calling his parents to pay the bills.

Then I have known those who always pay their bills on time, spend a little on entertainment, and always have money saved for emergencies.

I prefer the latter.

If his spending seems poor to you then you might want to find out just what he spends his money on and whether he has always spent money the same way before you make any real commitments.


Money management can definitely be a deal maker or breaker.
 koley85
Joined: 4/29/2010
Msg: 52
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/25/2010 10:33:42 AM
I also see that your point is not how much money he makes (or spends on you) but how he manages the money he makes.

If this is just a short-term relationship, he should be able to spend his money however he wants-but you should be able to spend yours how you want to, and that means that you don't have to give any money to him.

If this is going to be long-term, you definitely need to get him on the same page as you with finances, or be prepared to have a lot of fights in the future.
 cautiousluv
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 53
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/27/2010 5:29:21 PM
I think it's a fair take on the situation. Your going to either get sick of going on those trips alone, or with someone other than him, or having to pay for him
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 54
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/27/2010 9:06:46 PM
I agree with the OP- money don't buy love but love don't pay the rent.

People should have learned by the lessons just shown in the economic meltdown of 2008 until now that

You can't live past your means forever
Your job situation can change quicker than you think and badly sometimes.
Having money set aside for unforeseen circumstances is practically a necessity.
Debt is bad- money for a house is the least of these evils, but can leave you with some equity in a house that has value. Even then, houses do not go up in value forever either- so don't buy more than you can reasonably afford and need.

You lose control of your fate when you are indebted to someone. They can ask for the money back, increase charges (think credit cards) and you have to keep up your payments. Instead of having money making money for you, someone is making money from you (credit cards, auto payments etc) You can't do things when you want to and have money to take advantage of opportunities.

I'm lucky been smart enough and have no debt- wasn't always able to live that way and true it's tough getting established when your younger. But bit by bit I've built up, paid off and have myself in a good situation throughout job losses and setbacks. It takes some time and some discipline.

The last girl I went out for a while with had this problem of no money sense still in her 40's and was going no place, trouble holding jobs, borrowing money from her dad, myself and others. I couldn't stand to see the way she lived and it was a bit of the reason I broke up with her. It can become an issue when you start to talk long term.
I want to enjoy some nice things, not worry about paying bills, go places when I want to without worrying about it. I would like close to the same in a partner. I never worry about who's paying for coffee and dates- that's trivial stuff and if your living that close to the edge, you have bigger problems. Actually I love being able to spring for family occasions as well- that's whats important. Having to ability to do that is the reward for showing some discipline earlier on in life.
I find many just spend money on stuff to make themselves feel better but its only a temporary fix and a hollow one at that. Doing things is much more satisfying, travelling and seeing the world.
You''ll find that savers and spendthrifts are not very compatible in outlooks on many things. For long term relationships, its a big issue.
 Zermatt
Joined: 1/8/2006
Msg: 55
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/27/2010 9:27:59 PM
OP seems to be gone BUT the rule of thumb in relationships is: Am I smiling, happy? Or agonizing?

Guys who ask you for LOANS because they are fiscally irresponsible...Jeez. You work, have property, etc. What is HE bringing to the table?

What have we womenkind come to??? Are we so desperate? Who cares what his excuse is for whatever dire cirumstance he finds himself in? Why are YOU giving him money? Yes, giving, lending is is not the word, because, you will never see your hard-earned cash again. Kiss it good-bye, and him too, if you are smart.

This is attractive? Someone please explain me how.

How many decent good-hearted guys are out there, who would love and cherish a good woman like you. I can tell you, many.
 Rarebird76
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 56
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/27/2010 10:04:06 PM
When a woman asks to borrow money: 'sure honey..i luvs U anything you want princess' When a guy does it: 'WTF BOOM! *cue agitated female*.

So he's not the best money manager.....if that's enough to tweak your nerve out to the point you want to breakup please do.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 57
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/27/2010 10:59:03 PM
I think you are being fair OP, money problems breakup alot of marriages and relationships over time. If it's starting to effect the relationship, it's time to have a serious talk about your finances and what is expected from both of you, bailing him out will become a nasty habit overtime, believe me I've seen it. Perhaps a suggestion would be to have him have a certain amount automatically taken out each payday and transferred into a savings account, he won't notice it as much that way. Good luck
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 58
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/27/2010 11:24:28 PM

Actually I love being able to spring for family occasions as well- that's whats important. Having to ability to do that is the reward for showing some discipline earlier on in life.

well said.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 59
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/28/2010 1:34:00 PM
sounds like someone i once knew, he was married to one of my relatives. his desire for expensive toys just grew and grew. she hoped he would change. unfortunately what she didn't know is that selfish materialism is like a disease and keeps getting worse and worse.

he's selfish. he wants what he wants at your expense. watch out.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 60
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/28/2010 6:19:34 PM
OP, you're 28, so I'm going to assume your fella is about the same age. By the age of 28, I'd say that a person's fiscal habits are already well ingrained in them, so he isn't likely to change those habits until HE decides he wants to.

He's spending beyond his means if he's broke before the end of each pay period and needing to borrow money, plain and simple. The problem with that is, people that tend to do that tend to keep doing it, and getting deeper and deeper into how much money they need to repay as time goes on so that more of their cheque is spent before they've even received it.

Being a saver, this would be a huge issue for me as well. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night not knowing that I had a nest egg set aside for emergencies and future plans, quite frankly. I'm just not someone who could live paycheque to paycheque like your boyfriend seems to.

Perhaps you could ask him the next time he mentions future plans (living together, kids, the other subjects you said he's broached a few times with you now) what his financial plan for achieving all those goals is? Likely you'll hear "Oh, I'll figure that out when the time comes" but believe me...when the time comes, he still won't have it figured out. Sit him down and have a good heart to heart about this though, if you're truly serious about a relationship with this man. As someone else mentioned, spendthrifts and savers don't tend to mesh well for the long haul, so until he realizes how much you value having some savings for security and how big a deal this difference in fiscal habits truly is, I don't see him changing much.

Good luck.
 4rumOnly
Joined: 5/27/2010
Msg: 61
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/29/2010 10:26:02 AM
Thanks everyone for your opinions (Yes even the snarky ones as I dont
expect everyone to be in agreement with me). I haven't left this thread,
just took some time out to reflect ...


he might just have a drug habit as well?

the reason he is always short of $$ ?

possible? I'd check i tout


Hmm .. interesting ... since he did admit that he had a past
of substance abuse. He mentioned it was mainly just alcohol
and heavy smoking. He liked to drink on the weekends to the
point of passing out. Sometimes he'd wake up the next morning
not knowing where he was. But he swears he's past that now.
He's been sober & quit smoking over a year since when we first met.

Although he doesn't drink at all when we are out and about, IDK,
I can only take his word for it.

Which brings me to another thing, he was married once before
for 3 years. But he says they didn't have any kids. They divorced
bc he wanted to clean up his life and his ex didn't. .... Anyhow, I am
paranoid now that what IF he does have kids and are sending a
portion of his paycheck to child support?? Since, the fact is: To my
knowledge, he DOESN'T have any loans or debt to pay off. I mean
apart from rent, car insurance, groceries. and the usual personal petty
expenses. And it's not like he buys expensive toys every month. He does
every once-in-a-while, electronics n stuff.

It just doesn't ADD-UP that he can be earning much more than I do
yet is broke so often???
IDK what to make of this anymore.

Yes, he did pay me back both times I that I lend him money. And I am NOT
going to be his ATM machine anymore. Next time he whines to me
about "being broke" I will simply say" Perhaps you really need to start
thinking about budgeting yourself hun".

IDK, I still cannot see this picture clearly.
 Annie was here
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 62
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/29/2010 10:28:52 AM
If someone I was dating made more then me yet was
always broke this would tell me that they were very bad
with money and deeply in debt.This type of person I have
no interest in.I would stop dating this person.

I very rarely lend money,but when I do it's not to irresponsible
people who can't manage their money.We are not obligated to
support other adults.

Why are you giving this irresponsible little boy yet more money
to blow on crap?
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 63
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 7/3/2010 3:26:28 PM
strippers and blow,
Its hard to budget when you dont know who is on the main stage next ....
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 64
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 7/4/2010 1:52:20 AM
Money is a big factor of our life, we can't survive with out money.
I've observed that kind of mentality of your BF they go for broke and expect others to take care of their responsibility for their self,they don't care where or how you would get the money or it is your last dollar.
I don't think I would fall for that kind of person he is a plain Moocher Or Sponge..

Your BF is very weak, he can not even manage his livehood he has to lean to you for his survival ..Wow! If I were you ,I'll kick him to the curb, I am not a Bank that will bail him when he is broke. Supporting myself, to live decently is hard enough,why would I get a man who is irresponsible of his money and he may be irresponsible on other matters too.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 65
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 7/4/2010 2:42:35 AM
msg:11
OP is making less money than her BF and he (thah man )was alway telling her that he was broke that he can't make it thru the week, ect..ect . It is obviously,a persuation of "lend me a few bucks honey". One time is fine but making a habit is irksome ,and the OP has responsibility paying her bills too. I don't blame her if it is dragging her down.

Well, the OP and me sound like a street walker and no money no honey, lol you are shame by me and the OP ? I can't speak for the OP but I am very proud of myself that I never borrow money from any one specialy from a man, that is a weakness and I will never stoop that low. Surely, I borrowed money from the BANKS but not from a date/lover/friends/relatives/nieghbors ...


<div class="quote"> what happens if he lost his job,or started a business ,or got sick, you would go to the next man,for his money ,right!

You Bet!!!!! A man who has money even enough to pay his bills for the roof of his head and food for his stomach is a powerful and dignified man, for he is responsible and knows how to manage his monetary and he will not disgrace his self to tell a woman that he is broke if he could lend him "some money" to get him thru until his payday.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 66
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 7/4/2010 6:00:50 AM
He has never outright asked me for money, but many times
he's lamented to me - for lack of better words, about "being
broke", "not being able to get thru the week" ..... "hun we can't
do such and such bc my finances are tight this week"


So when he says this, only respond to what he says and not what you hear as the unasked question. In other words, don't give him money. When you do so, you are enabling him to live beyond his means. As it is he has no reason to budget his toy purchases because someone bails him out.

If doing "such and such" that week is so important to you, do it without him; don't feed him if he bought toys instead of food. He'll figure it out more quickly if he has to live on popcorn and water for a few days each week. It won't kill him.

We all make choices. It sounds from your posts you are a reluctant enabler in this situation so choose to not continue doing so. Or continue to willingly be his safety net. The rest is up to him.
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 67
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 7/4/2010 6:42:18 AM

He can't change what and who he is inside and the fact he would dare ask a girlfriend for money speaks volumes.

I have financial hardships come my way and know plenty of people and family with money..I would rather eat potatoes and eggs 30 days than ASK for money..THAT is a character flaw.


Yes, a very big character flaw! It's one thing to help & it's another thing to enable which is not good.

abtw pepper I lov potato & egg salad after attending a jubilee! yum yum!
 marlitatx
Joined: 1/26/2012
Msg: 68
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 3:53:10 PM
I just got out of a relationship where I made twice as much as he did, both of us are in our 40's so I didn't really care about that at first, he had a job and did a bunch of side jobs..so he says. But then he started complaining weekly that he could not pay his bills, he had no ex, no kids, just 1 dog that he could not even take care of! I am a single mom who has lots of responsibilities that I do meet and I am living within my means - I ran, I suggest you do the same!
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 69
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:09:41 PM

In summary: I earn less than my bf but he has a habit of up ending up
broke by the end of the week. Twice now I have had to lend him money to get
thru. I am getting somewhat irked by this and see it as a potential
long term deal-breaker.

Is my take on this fair or not??


Whom makes more has nothing to do with it.

I refuse to date (long term) a lady that can't provide for herself.

At this stage in my life I have raised two children w/o help from their mothers.

So why would I want to take on a liability?

Why would anyone?

I would be honest and explain you are not able or willing to pay anyone's bills just because they are irresponsible. Or for any other reason.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 70
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:22:18 PM
I had to laugh... sounds a bit how my bf was. Of course he has child support.
While it's fair to an extent, you are in fact enabling him by giving him money. On one hand, you are not married and it is his $. On the other hand, I believe when in a SERIOUS relationship (we live together) it's not about mine and yours, but ours.(A converstion WE had) What will happen in the future because of that habit IS of concern.
I've found that actually communicating with him IMMEDIATELY when it happened, it was happening less and less.
I would consider drugs also, depending on just how much he's spending.
Try some good ol' fashioned communication first.
Or... maybe the two of you just arn't a good match...It happens.
 dan88anew
Joined: 1/23/2010
Msg: 71
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:40:57 PM
I've got friends like that. They make alot more money than I do. And yet they never have any money.

I'll tell you one thing I dont lend them money ever. Because I know I'd never get it back.
 moutainbreeze
Joined: 10/19/2011
Msg: 72
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:56:56 PM
Seriously, he is using his sister and you (and very likely every other woman in his life) to support an irresponsible financial lifestyle. The only question I have is why so many women are willing to even consider blokes like him.. and there are so many of you willign to. A man who lives off women like a leech is... a leech. He will never change so long as his mum and sister and girlfriends are all tryin to rescue him.

Finances are the number one reason that couples divorce. So in dating if he is already showing these sorts of behavior and expecting you to support his spending habits, he is still a little boy. And you did not HAVE TO lend him money. That is called co-dependent behavior. You are feeding off the "caretaker" role and rescuing him. However, there is no rule in life that you owe him your money, especially when he makes more than you. If you do it a third time then you deserve what you get. I have a feeling though that as soon as he realizes that you will no longer support his crap, he will tell you that you "don't love him the way he loves you" and go into the Emotional Blackmailer role. You will then cave in and join the legions of women in abusive relationships... so really, stop stressing over it.

Come on.... you want to support a deadbeat.. then you can come in here ranting about how "unfair" life is and how much you did for him and he doesn't appreciate you....so go right ahead and keep giving him money... that's what you're going to do regardless of what people advise you in here anyway.. right? Let me put it this way, you loan him even a dime more and you deserve the trainwreck you can expect to enjoy as a long term relationship with him.
 egowitch
Joined: 6/5/2011
Msg: 73
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:58:45 PM
Yes , ok. Fair.

However, if you keep lending him money , you're doing him no favors - as he'll never learn how to live within his means , and always expect you to bail him out.

If that's what you want - carry on !
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 74
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 8:42:52 PM
Not sure when this thread was started looking at 'join date', but nonetheless, the issue is the same. To me, who has known multi...s that spend carpe diem like there's no tomorrow: I know firsthand not to fall for the hype. More important than what someone's gross is-HOW WELL THEY TAKE CARE OF WHAT THEY HAVE. Debt to income ratio is the forgotten bottom line that actually matters along with credit score. There are schoolteachers who know how to save and invest conservatively who become multis. There are multis in foreclosure and repo (lots of them lately). I avoid gamblers and new-toy-boyz. Eventually all have to either grow up and think about the future, or find a bailout or enabler-and sell themselves out for the support. Some commit crimes to keep up their unsustainable lifestyle. Who wants that?? Yup OP, NOT WORTH IT! Stability-now that's sexy
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 75
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 8:45:51 PM

Twice now I have
had to lend him money to get thru the week.
You lost me at "HAD". You don't have to fill in his blanks. Huge mistake on your part, is my feeling. You do not live together, you do not have mingled monies, why in the WORLD would you lend money a SECOND time when the FIRST debt hadn't been paid back?

I think truly you created this situation by lending him money. Repeat after me: NEVER AGAIN. And demand to be paid back.
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