I do look at myself or I would not have spend years in counseling

Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?

purple get off the defensive ...we are not putting you down ...we are not saying your lying ..we know all too well from our own baggage ..that that very baggage makes us see things different than they are ...you asked us to analyze your problem ... and that means using our experiences and whether they relate to your situation ...you my friend have been the only one I have seen accusing other of malice ... and that only reinforces the contention that you have a complex ...and most of us have been there ..most of us have had that ...the other sex is just out to use me syndrome ...most of us ar over it and realize that we were wrong jaded by the past ..it is only after we realize that by having that persecution complex ... we bring on ourselves the very thing we complain about..If you are thin skinned and get miffed at what we say ...I suggest you go somewhere beside forums for advice ..if on the other hand you take what we say ..and examine your situation objectively ...you may just find the answer ... for some of us have been there ... and this dating /sex thing is mostly perpetual the problems are universal to everyone ...though we are all individual our problems are much the same ..this is why we can make calls without knowing you..we hear/read the same threads over and over ..and look back to the time we were there

The first such game theorized was Why don't you/Yes, but in which one player (White) would pose a problem as if seeking help, and the other player(s) (Black) would offer solutions (the "Why don't you?" suggestion). This game was noticed as many patients played it in therapy and psychiatry sessions, and inspired Berne to identify other interpersonal "games".

White would point out a flaw in every Black player's solution (the "Yes, but" response), until they all gave up in frustration. For example, if someone's life script was "to be hurt many times, and suffer and make others feel bad when I die" a game of "Why Don't You, Yes But" might proceed as follows:

White: I wish I could lose some weight.
Black: Why don't you join a gym?
W: Yes but, I can't afford the payments for a gym.
B: Why don't you speed walk around your block after you get home from work?
W: Yes but, I don't dare walk alone in my neighborhood after dark.
B: Why don't you take the stairs at work instead of the elevator?
W: Yes but, after my knee surgery, it hurts too much to walk that many flights of stairs.
B: Why don't you change your diet?
W: Yes but, my stomach is sensitive and I can tolerate only certain foods.
"Why Don't You, Yes But" can proceed indefinitely, with any number of players in the Black role, until Black's imagination is exhausted, and she can think of no other solutions. At this point, White "wins" by having stumped Black. After a silent pause following Black's final suggestion, the game is often brought to a formal end by a third role, Green, who makes a comment such as, "It just goes to show how difficult it is to lose weight."

The secondary gain for White was that he could claim to have justified his problem as insoluble and thus avoid the hard work of internal change; and for Black, to either feel the frustrated martyr ("I was only trying to help") or a superior being, disrespected ("the patient was uncooperative").

Superficially, this game can resemble Adult to Adult interaction (people seeking information or advice), but more often, according to Berne, the game is played by White's helpless Child, and Black's lecturing Parent ego states.

Relationships work better when both are healthy

OP you won't know 100% of the time that a man hasn't lie. I suggest emailing and talking on the phone before you go out to find out where someone's head is at. It doesn't always work, but I can't say I went out with that many guys that wanted an FB after talking to me and getting to know me before we went out.

OP if you don't want people to open up old wounds or to cut on your problems, don't respond to the comments. Everyone is entitled to their opinion...this is mine.

counseling is good I guess ...but me thinks that peer advice would be much better ... your psychologist has learned about your problems from books ... POFers have lived these problems ..by admitting years of counseling you have admitted you have had issues ... I submit that your issues are not yet solved

Why does a person say they want a relationship when what they really want is a fb?

: I validated your feelings and your situation.

At this point, maybe it would be best if you stopped reacting emotionally
and started responding a lil more rationally and less defensively.
You are actually making it seem like you are the reason they only want you for sex by how you are reacting and I know that's not the truth of things.

You want encouragement?

Don't give up.
Trust but verify.
Don't settle.
Don't let the past define you.
Know that good men exist.
Love is worth taking risks for.
Not everyone has a conscience.
Watch out for red flags.
Don't ignore them.
Take it slow,but know, even that's no guarentee.
Take what you need and don't react to the rest.

Good luck!

Comparing ourselves to animals is just plain foolish. If that were the case then we would all be having sex with our siblings mothers and fathers brothers and sisters sons and daughters. Yes the sickos do that and go to jail for it if they are found guilty. On the other hand the animals have no clue about morals. They just fill a basic need and think nothing of it.

^^^^Unfortunately this thread was on the threshold of being deleted as a pity thread when it started. I voted to keep it going as I thought that OP wanted some advice.

I made a grave error, I should have been one who chose to delete it, as this is a true pity/martyr/woe is me topic. My God, I am getting tired of it.

I agree with you sarniafairboy, we should close this off while we can. It's like dealing with a child.

counseling is good I guess ...but me thinks that peer advice would be much better ... your psychologist has learned about your problems from books ... POFers have lived these problems

..by admitting years of counseling you have admitted you have had issues

The thing is whether you have sex or not in the begining of a new relationship, there should be some sort of ground rules established as far as the persons intentions. People who want a fb need to be clear upfront that is all they want and nothing more.

I make it clear that is what I don't want and men say they understand and agree, then after a while they drop the ole well I was just looking for a fb you don't mind do you? lol yes I mind.

If I stand up for myself I am exaggerating. So tell me all the professional daters what is it I should say do or think since I am such a loser?

Oh yeah I should stop dating and stay home and forget about a mate because no one wants me except for sex.

I have to completely disagree with this.

Do you really think that a bunch of untrained people, responding to an online forum can replace a trained professional?
Many of the people who you say "have lived these problems", are people who have no real idea how to manage their own personal lives. That's why they keep experiencing problems.

A trained professional, with the proper creditentials is also someone who's had to meet a minimum criteria to obtain those credentials, and is held accountable in his/her state or province for their actions.
The untrained people contributing to an online forum, on the other hand, do not need to meet any credentials, and are not accountable to anyone.

In my personal opinion, based on a few years of opbserving the forums on this and other similiar sites, I think a professional's advice would be hundreds of times better than general forum advice.
Specifically when it involves circumstances as serious as healing from abuse or post-traumatic stress.

Oh yeah I should stop dating and stay home and forget about a mate because no one wants me except for sex.

Well, if you really feel that way and you aren't interested in sex, then not dating and staying home is one reasonable option.

I can think of several others which involve changing your attitude or your expectations, but you probably will find those to be less appealing to you.

It does puzzle me why so many are into fb and how much its the norm. I can't imagine doing something like that.

She was being facetious.


I can think of several others which involve changing your attitude or your expectations, but you probably will find those to be less appealing to you

What a shallow way to view life and relationships. Just use each other too f. Isnt' that something the animals do? Aren't we suppose to be capable of love and more than just having a casual sex buddy? That to me seems so immature. Just instant gratification and no responsibilities. I see absolutly no joy or satisfaction in using each other to fill a sexual urge and nothing more. Is that what the world has come too? Just screw anyone and everyone when ever you feel like it and forget about the fact that that your human beings and should act that way.

I personally think the male brain is preoccupied with sex so much they can't function unless they get it from who ever when ever and don't care about that persons feelings.

I never said anything about having sex in the beginning. Why assume I have sex right away? I don't have sex with a guy till I know quite a bit about him, his back ground, friends, family, past mistakes, habits, likes and dislikes, his ideas about many different subjects like what he is looking for or not looking for. What I am looking for and not looking for. Our sex drive, and other sex talk so that both know if we are compatable sexually. Many things go into finding out if someone is even worth your time. Lots of long talks, dates, spending time together. Seeing how each lives and deals with problems, stress, everyday life, etc. I happen to do that and some how all these men I have encountered have serious hang ups about being inlove because they were hurt so bad. I ususally find this out after a while of dating and then they say they only want fb cause they don't want to get hurt again. I was hurt many times and I don't have that sour outlook. Yes everyone is different, but for goodness sake emotional pain is a part of life. People let us down. We have to be able to let go and move on. Not build a wall around ourselves and only get some sex action here and there.

Its not that black and white. All have had different and unique experiences and each person may handle or deal with it differently.... It does puzzle me why so many are into fb and how much its the norm. I can't imagine doing something like that.