|
|
|
|
|
| | He flaked on our date...forgivable or notPage 2 of 3 (1, 2, 3) |
i think whether you've been seeing somebody for 5 weeks or 5 days, common courtesy dictates an explanation if they can't meet an appointment. and by that i mean, before the date, not the next *@#% day.
exacte-mundo! ^ ^ ^ ^
Like motown cowgirlsaid said, he is forgivable ONLY if you are ready for more of the same crap in the future. Men worth their pants should know how to make a phone call when it's due.
 | |
|
| |
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 12:12:48 AM | He didn't bother to cancel, texted next day apologizing, but not explaining?
I don't even know you - haven't so much as looked at your profile - and I feel sure you can do better than this. It's just a bare minimum of courtesy to at least let people know if you can't keep plans with them, and explain why. If the reason is something extreme - a death, or hospitalization - explaining after the fact is fine. But he didn't do that.
You're right, you shouldn't contact him.
Sorry it went this way.
 | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 12:14:53 AM | So the dude in the OP's story didnt even explain why he couldnt make the date?
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah.....im sorry but not even providing me an explanation is an instant exit out of my life. That just comes off as shady. | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 1:42:45 AM | post 13 pretty much spells it out. when you don't express your needs (it can be done gracefully) and don't ask questions when you want important information, you're left in this place:
I'm confused how to feel now :|
I didn't express becuase I didnt want to scare him off now its left open and awkward letting me believe that he will not contact.
well-meaning friends and acquaintances with a partial picture and no stake in the outcome can hurt as much as help when they offer speculation that, in the absense of facts, may be hard for you to regard objectively.
speculation
He prob. liked you at first then felt you would not work out for ltr and decided it would be easier to talk to you and slowly break away from you to make it easy.
speculation
Player !!! he got bored of you and found someone else !!
speculation
He had to be with somebody else
speculation
You made it too easy for him and he thinks he has you wrapped around his little finger
and last but not least ... your own unsupported guesswork in the face of the fact-finding you didn't do.
In my heart I believe that it wasnt somewhere important rather somewhere else/friend he wanted to hang out with - which is fine just tell me.
relationships, especially in the early phases, are riddled with guesswork as it is. do you really want to set the stage for more than you have to? is this really your best communication strategy? | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 1:54:21 AM | Personally, I only know a female is interested in me if she is actually INTERESTED IN ME. All this keep it casual stuff is great when you're a teenager, but if there's no future in it, you might as well move on. If both people aren't finding excuses to be around each other, something is wrong, and maybe you should work that out before just calling it a fatal mistake and throwing it away. Maybe try initiating something once in a while so he knows you give a damn about him?...
Codeguru | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 2:41:42 AM | Ok, at first, I thought you had been stood up waiting outside of a restaurant for hours on end.
But, then, you said that the events were "He said he would like to take me out for dinner", "no specific plans to do so", "day went away without any more communication".
Sincerely, God knows, it could be a million things. The other day, I didn't pick up my phone to go out with my friend because my legs were hurting so much that I just wanted to put my feet up... Not too glamorous, but it was a valid reason.
Since I understand you weren't stood up, but that just plans didn't get to fruition, I don't think you can either talk about a flake nor about being offended. Life happens, shit happens, and people have more to do than to try to work out the thought processes of their partner...
I would say also that the ball is in YOUR court, since YOU turn down his offer to do something else.
So, call him, say that you are available such and such days, make specific plans and don't play the blame game. It never helped anybody. | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 3:03:05 AM | | ^^ I agree that the situation changed when you revealed in a later post that you didn't have concrete plans. Flaking on tentative plans still isn't cool but it's not the same thing as standing you up. His error wasn't so much that he didn't show up that evening but that he never made official arrangements beyond a day and general time frame and since you could have contacted him yourself *beforehand* you shouldn't have gotten ready for the evening without that confirmation. I still think an explanation is in order, if for no other reason than to get an idea of whether you could be dealing with the same problem in the future, but it has more potential for being forgivable than the original scenario. | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 4:05:00 AM |
He just asked if I wanted to go to dinner and never bother to tell me what time or where…
OK; it was not quite a date yet. After dating for 5 weeks, I would have called him and asked whether we were on or not.
I always drive up there to his town. I dont mind really since theres more a variety of restaurants there but still I never complained to travel for him. He feel he always expected me to drive to him.
Since his place is just 20 minutes away and you seem to be going to restaurants there; I don’t think it is a big deal. I live in a great area but if I see someone in an equally good area I do not mind going there.
It is apparent that you like the guy so give it another go. If you do not you may end up calling him a month or so from now. And if you are going to enjoy yourself you need to forgive the slight, don’t harp on it. But stop with the texting, ask him to call instead. | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 5:34:50 AM |
OK; it was not quite a date yet. After dating for 5 weeks, I would have called him and asked whether we were on or not.
I was thinking the same thing, casual call ya later dates aren't good, a date is "What time should I pick you up or meet you?" He should have called you though, and yeah you could have picked up the phone and said, "Are we on or off I gotta do my hair." | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 6:14:55 AM | He just asked if I wanted to go to dinner and never bother to tell me what time or where...I let the day go by thinking he would text later at 5 or something but nothing. He didn't give me an excuse the next day - he just apologized and asked if he can make it up by taking me out this week
okay, i'm completely changing my answer now based on the OP's changing story; i didn't see this before. strike my previous posts from the record! because these "plans" of yours were tentative, and since neither one of you actually had a real discussion about it or made any real plans, you both were passive about it left everything open to interpretation. maybe this, maybe that; meh! so hey that's my final answer too. meh!
what was the question again? oh, should you forgive him. for what?
 | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 6:42:58 AM |
He just asked if I wanted to go to dinner and never bother to tell me what time or where...I let the day go by thinking he would text later at 5 or something but nothing. He didn't give me an excuse the next day - he just apologized and asked if he can make it up by taking me out this week. And to add more, he lives 20 minutes away from me and I always drive up there to his town. I dont mind really since theres more a variety of restaurants there but still I never complained to travel for him. He feel he always expected me to drive to him.
In this situation, you could have called him to finalize plans. If he didn't return your calls, then I could have understood your frustation better. Granted this is not as bad as standing someone up. But if 2 people had agreed to go out on a date and one person tried calling the second person to finalize plans, then I think would have poor manners for the second person not to respond. The second person could have simply stated that he or she wasn't available. | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 8:48:16 AM | Technically speaking, no "date" was actually set up-so technically speaking, he's not guilty of "flaked on our date".
I dunno, this whole deal sounds to me like you both are rather ambivalent about the involvement-otherwise ONE OF YOU would have picked up the "going out to dinner" suggestion and instigated a genuine PLAN to make that happen.
I really don't quite know what to tell you, because there is so much here that I(and other posters) can't possibly know because we weren't THERE. But I do feel, if there was not a specific plan laid out for this dinner date, he didn't actually "flake".
I guess, were it me, I'd just get on with my life-if he got back in contact and made a SPECIFIC plan/committment to a real date, I'd accept, and proceed as results dictated. But this whole thing sounds to me like a situation where both of you have become quite ambivalent about the situation, and are seeing each other mostly out of "oh well, it's something to do".
An important part of developing a dating siuation into a relationship is ENTHUSIASM-and that just seems to be generally missing from this situation.
Cindy O | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 8:51:30 AM | | Thanks everyone for all the responses!! I really appreciate it. OK - so now re-evaluating the situation and taking in account all the advice most of you feel I should give it another chance. Now I feel that I blew it. I haven't heard from him since my last text the other day and I am kind of embarrassed to text again to open up communication now. What do I say? We usually text everyday so something is def in the air. I was thinking of saying something like this..."hey, I hope there isn't a misunderstanding between us" and maybe going on to say (or not) this...."if you feel we should end contact then let me know" or something to that extent. Or jsut leave it with the first statement. Any suggestions what else I can say to break the ice? I am willing to show effort here and if he doesn't respond I know my answer and I will move on. | |
|
| |
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 9:10:02 AM |
He just asked if I wanted to go to dinner and never bother to tell me what time or where...I let the day go by thinking he would text later at 5 or something but nothing.
Okay..umm..I can see where one could believe that this really wasn't a "date" made, but one that should have been followed up on..meaning contact of some sorts to either confirm, or to reset.
What bothers me though is..if he has been in contact with you more often, why wouldn't he continue this contact, in an apologetic demeanor, and really..really if he is serious..try to make up for his lack of communication on that particular day?
I am beginning to think that you need to move on. If he always expects YOU to initiate something, drive to him, wait for him..is that something you want to do? Doesn't seem like this is a two way deal here. | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 9:31:52 AM |
something is def in the air. I was thinking of saying something like this..."hey, I hope there isn't a misunderstanding between us" I hope there isn't a misunderstanding between us? More ambiguous indirect commuication, leaving the ball in his court is not gonna help here. You KNOW there is a misunderstanding between the two of you, and you know what it is. If you're gonna contact him, put it right on the table. Call him (no texting for something like this!) and tell him you want to clear up the miscommunication from last Sunday. (Ideally, this conversation should take place face to face, to give you each an opportunity to see each other's facial expressions and body language during, so maybe ask him out for coffee and a chat?) Tell him that since he mentioned going out for dinner, you assumed that he would be calling you to finalize plans, and you felt hurt that he didn't, which led you to make more assumptions as to why he didn't. Accept the responsibility for the fact that you could easily have called him to firm up the plans, but for whatever reason chose not to. Tell him you don't want a silly misunderstanding to screw things up between you.
There still exists the possibility that the guy is a jerk, and knowingly blew you off for some self serving reason. I don't think you should interpret what's being said here as "most of the forum posters suggesting you give it another chance". I think you should take the advice as "Stop jumping to conclusions and deeming him a jerk with sinister intentions and start taking some responsibility for YOUR SHARE of clear communication between the two of you" You've spent time in the same room as him, we haven't, so you'll be able to form a more accurate assessment of what's really going on than we ever could. I, for one, am only suggesting you take the initiative to clarify things, and base your next step on something real, rather than assumptions. And work on that indirect communication thing. A person can drive themselves, and everyone around them absolutely mad by making decisions based on guesses, and expecting them to do the same. | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 10:18:15 AM |
OK - so now re-evaluating the situation and taking in account all the advice most of you feel I should give it another chance.
That's NOT how I read most of the advice! However, you like the guy and you want to give it another chance. If you are OK with a dating involvement/relationship where plans get left dangling in the air, where you seem to be taking on the bigger share of the logistical responsibility, etc, then I guess this could be the guy for you.
Look, I'm not talking about playing silly games-but good grief, when someone says would you like to go to dinner, the answer is either "NO", or it's "Yes, I'd like that, when were you thinking to do this?" I'm sorry, I have visions of you all dolled up, sitting on your couch hanging onto your cell phone-waiting for his call or text, for an entire day???
This isn't even a gender thing. If 2 people want to share an activity, have dinner or lunch or brunch, whatever, they set up a day, a time, and a place or one agrees to pick the other one up-but the one being picked up KNOWS what time that will be.
The other thought that ambled across the back of my mind, is that this is one of those charming rogues, that,(like some horses), simply HAS to test a new person to see how much they'll be allowed to get away with.
I didn't read that much encouragement to "give it another chance", but I think that's pretty much what you want to do anyway, y'all are just researching how to go about it. That's OK, but I think you should keep an awareness that he may have other irons in the fire...and, in the absence of any clearly defined agreement to exclusivity, he does have a right to do that(as do you) but that does not extend to flaking off from an already planned activity with one person to do something with another one. It ought to go without saying-but I'll say it anyway; In the event of a genuine emergency, a "no-show" is understandable, and it may be a situation of such magnitude that the person truly forgets or just doesn't have an opportunity to contact until the mergency and it's aftermath have been dealt with.
But this isn't one of THOSE situations, "seeing what he can get away with, and how hard YOU are willing to try to hold this involvement together" is what I suspect is afoot.
Cindy O | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 11:00:17 AM | If you are OK with a dating involvement/relationship where plans get left dangling in the air, where you seem to be taking on the bigger share of the logistical responsibility, etc, then I guess this could be the guy for you.
Thats the thing I am not ok with how it went down thats why I declined his offer to make it up and just said I was busy this week and maybe later. I feel he interrupted that I was mad and hasnt bothered to contact since. I don't want to take the bigger share of responsiblity becuase I have been there before and I am tired of playing games. Perhaps he is testing me but more so I've been getting the feeling that he wants to slow things down which is totally fine with me just say it. If it happens again then lesson learned and I will walk away but I am willing to see if it does so for now I just don't know what to say to break the ice.
I agree that I have been passive aggressive and the only reason is I don't want him to feel overwhelmed right off the bat (like me nagging and such). | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 11:36:02 AM | "Perhaps he is testing "
He is
Go ahead "chase" him
You are teaching him, next time he does the same
you'll be there, blaming yourself and feeling bad
when HE is the one NOT calling YOU when he said he would
I mean the man, doesn't even feel the need to think up a good excuse
And you think that is his way to slow things down?
You know he just blew you off, right?
But you still here looking for the grey area
So, go ahead, give it another try
Just don't blame him when he treats you like a hair appointment
at supercuts, it might happen it might not, you still there no matter what he does
scissors in hand and an empty chair
Some useful cliche we could apply here:
WE do teach people how to treat us
when people show you who they are BELIEVE them the first time, so on, so forth, etc | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 11:55:10 AM |
I feel he interrupted that I was mad Honey, you WERE mad, because you got all ready for a date you were expecting to happen, and he never called. There's nothing wrong with letting him know directly that you don't operate like that, and that if he's interested in continuing a relationship with you, that sort of thing is not acceptable. But, part of your frustration/anger was misdirected, since you could easily have called HIM, to confirm what the plans were. Relationships take two, and each one needs to be making their share of the effort required to keep things running smoothly.
I agree that I have been passive aggressive and the only reason is I don't want him to feel overwhelmed right off the bat (like me nagging and such). Good for you recognizing and acknowledging less than optimal behavior on your own part... many people don't have that ability. Passive aggression is doom for any relationship. A certain amount of conflict is normal and necessary in a relationship, and it's entirely possible to communicate what you feel and what you need directly without nagging.
Just call him and tell him that the way things went down is bothering you, and you'd like to clarify some things over coffee. It's entirely possible that it's bothering him as well, and he will appreciate your making the effort to clear things up. Or maybe he just didn't give it another thought and just moved right along, and all this ruminating on your part is totally pointless. But even if that's the case, a phone call and one direct conversation is all it will take to get you unstuck from the limbo and the wondering. | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 12:08:01 PM |
So, go ahead, give it another try Just don't blame him when he treats you like a hair appointment at supercuts, it might happen it might not, you still there no matter what he does scissors in hand and an empty chair
Thanks, that was harsh but I understand what you are saying. That is why I am asking everyone for their opinion on this matter. I know that I don't need to sit around and wait for a dude and being that I can be passive I will leave it up to others because I feel they should take initiative if they are the ones to invite - but now I'm seeing that there is no harm in following up. I just didnt want to come across eager to be honest.
Or maybe he just didn't give it another thought and just moved right along, and all this ruminating on your part is totally pointless. But even if that's the case, a phone call and one direct conversation is all it will take to get you unstuck from the limbo and the wondering.
Yes, all this can be pointless and he can be going on about his day not thinking twice :( All this is new to me so forgive me for this long thread lol ...I was with a man for 8 years so dating is new for me.
Weird...he just texted me saying that he was thinking of me and wished me a good day. I think now is the time to clear things up... | |
|
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 1:12:37 PM | First off: It's good to ask for advice, but take everything you see posted here with a grain of salt and listen to your own desires/feelings/instincts. I once posted questions about the guy I'm with now over a year ago when we first began dating. Most responses thought he seemed like a loser and not worth my time. The thing is, you can't get a true feel for someone through an anonymous stranger's typed words. There are always too many little details left out, the wrong ones magnified, and so on. The only person who can truly know a situation are those directly involved in it.
Secondly: Here's my 2 cents. It all depends on how you feel. There's only so much $hit a person can/should take. But there are no "perfect" relationships. There will always be differences, hurt feelings, unequal feelings, questions, even doubts. There will often be "red flags" (or misconceived ones), annoyances. And often times, there will be no noticeable red flags, and yet the relationship fails at some point anyway. There is no strict formula for a healthy, loving, enduring relationship, even though some people try to create/use one in order to protect themselves from the possibility of getting hurt. But you can't truly love without letting down your guard. Sometimes your fears disguise themselves as "instincts." It's all up to what you want and what you're willing to risk and go through in order to get it.
If it helps, my boyfriend was an hour late to our first dates. He flaked a few times to hang out with his buddies and watch sports. I struggled with whether or not I was going to put up with it... and since we fell in love we haven't experienced those weird annoyances we had when we were still getting to know each other. I'm not saying that all people will do that... but sometimes you never know. If I hadn't decided to see how things go with him, I wouldn't have this amazing, loving guy in my life. I'm glad I took the risk and ignored what posts on POF had to say. | |
|
| |
| He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/18/2010 3:50:20 PM |
If it helps, my boyfriend was an hour late to our first dates. He flaked a few times to hang out with his buddies and watch sports. I struggled with whether or not I was going to put up with it... and since we fell in love we haven't experienced those weird annoyances we had when we were still getting to know each other. I'm not saying that all people will do that... but sometimes you never know. If I hadn't decided to see how things go with him, I wouldn't have this amazing, loving guy in my life. I'm glad I took the risk and ignored what posts on POF had to say.
Ok ....but have you asked him why he turned up 1 hour late ? | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
