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| | more blonde jokesPage 19 of 25 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25) | Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.
Q. Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A. From dating blonde men.
^^^that's just so wrong lol  | |
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Posted: 10/3/2011 11:02:07 PM | I read practically all the humor Blonde jokes and some of them are brutal...LOLOLO
Q. why doesnt anybody like playing cards w Blondes
A. cause they always leave when somebody YELLS .."GO FISH" | |
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Posted: 10/4/2011 10:17:57 AM | ^^^^ thanks for sharing. that's funny.
Sometimes the brutal ones are funny because I'm blonde- ya just gotta laugh. I just wonder who the first blonde joke was about and why they stuck like they have 
Q. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A. Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
Q. What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A. Proofreading. | |
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Posted: 10/4/2011 10:37:48 AM | Why was the proofreading Blonde at the M&M factory reduced to half pay?
She kept rejecting all the ones that said "W." | |
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Posted: 10/4/2011 2:26:44 PM | Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children."
He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.
The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant.
"Please, Dave, take a look at this." So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!" | |
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Posted: 10/5/2011 10:34:59 AM | Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.  | |
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Posted: 10/6/2011 3:00:42 PM | Did you hear about the blonde that...
couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. | |
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Posted: 10/7/2011 9:42:31 AM | Did you hear about the blonde that...
was trapped on the escalator for hours when the power went out- | |
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Posted: 10/7/2011 9:44:16 AM |
Why was the proofreading Blonde at the M&M factory reduced to half pay?
She kept rejecting all the ones that said "W."
Did you hear about the blonde who hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel? | |
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Posted: 10/9/2011 3:47:44 PM | | Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy (blonde?) says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here." | |
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Posted: 10/9/2011 3:57:02 PM | SUNDAY- I picked this one because Sunday is typically game day ( at least home depot was empty when I was just there)
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral." | |
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Posted: 10/10/2011 7:01:13 AM | | The economy's so bad that Exxon-Mobil had to let their Congressman go....:modhammer: | |
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Posted: 10/11/2011 9:23:30 PM | | A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" | |
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Posted: 10/12/2011 12:59:53 PM | | A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" | |
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Posted: 10/14/2011 6:15:55 AM | | Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die." | |
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Posted: 10/15/2011 4:36:08 AM | | A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?" | |
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Posted: 10/15/2011 7:07:46 PM | | A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here." | |
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Posted: 10/16/2011 2:08:42 AM | | A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email." | |
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Posted: 10/19/2011 11:56:29 AM | | Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park." | |
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Posted: 10/20/2011 7:28:13 AM | I love some of the older comedian's jokes-
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman) | |
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Posted: 10/21/2011 11:21:36 AM | | A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?" | |
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Posted: 10/21/2011 1:09:40 PM | Happy Friday!
Here are a few thoughts for staying sane ;)
1. In the memo section of every check you write, put 'for marijuana'.
2. Order diet water when eating out, with a serious face.
3. Specify that your drive-thru order is 'to go'
4. Sing along at the opera.
5. 5 days in advance, tells your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.
6. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, " Run, they're loose!'
7. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
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Posted: 10/22/2011 8:47:55 PM | | My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer) | |
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Posted: 10/23/2011 10:38:45 AM | love this guy:
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield) | |
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Posted: 10/23/2011 11:21:22 AM | | A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads." | |
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