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| | Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibilityPage 3 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) |
I just have the feeling that some young single mothers on this site are not yet beyond the stage in their life where they want to go out and party on a regular basis. It has given me the impression that some of these women are just looking for a man to babysit their child while they go out and continue to partake in irresponsible behavior. In my opinion, if a woman has children, she should not be going out on a regular basis to get drunk and hook-up with random guys. After all, didn't such a thing lead to them having a child to begin with? I don't mean to suggest that all women in their early-to-mid 20's are like this. I am sure there are quite a few that have learned from their past and truly are ready to put that kind of life behind them and just settle down and raise a family. But, lately I have been paying very close attention to the age of a single mother when looking at profiles.
Let's be fair to the op, as I believe that he has a valid point. At his age, why should he have to deal with more issues than are already present in those of that age group? Personally, I applaud him!  We have to live with the consequences of our actions, like it or not, and in this case, the actions are not his. I wish you well, op! | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/13/2012 10:40:01 PM | In reply to the OP
I have been wondering the same thing these days. I look at many of the profiles on POF and see unemployed, entitled, party girls. I know for a fact that there are MANY good, attractive, caring single mothers out there. But I still hesitate..
I am a single father (child born in a relationship, we were engaged) and I know that my profile get skipped over the second they see my profile picture.
I would suggest to do as I do: Do not discount them for the fact that they have kids, but don't go for a goverment cheese collecting baby factory either (you will regret this). And to be honest, at our age, (im 25), many of the women around us are toxic and entitled and definitely not relationship material. Try going to other cultures, as western women tend to be very fickle and demanding. Use POF as kind of a psycho filter to weed out the undesirables. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/15/2012 3:07:39 AM | I had my first child at 18. When my common law husband deserted us, so I raised her on my own, until I got married years later. I never partied (out of choice and out of disdain for alcohol and drugs); I hated alcohol; I never smoked, did drugs, or sleep with scads of men; and I was already accustomed to living on my own because I had been independent and self-sufficient since 16. I had extreme personal difficulties, but who wouldn't at this age?
I had many potential suitors because I was young and _was_ a beauty. The downside of being independent so young, working and going to school (I was going to school for a career, not for the sake of enjoy academia), having beauty, and having a baby is that men thought that since I had the baby that I would always want sex and I had my own flat. They felt it was predetermined based on my situation and would street harass me or verbally abuse me if I didn't (outwardly) pay them any mind. I went through this experience almost every day; so it was no wonder I'd have panic attacks on the streets when I walked to the school, to the market; these men, young and old, had no respect for my privacy. They also had no respect for my wishes to be a married woman and not a fcuk doll. Some young ladies have not developed a sense of self worth because society doesn't allow it.
So when you decide to cast off women with kids, keep my experience in mind. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/15/2012 8:43:18 AM | | I think you are right about a few things but don't let this one person make you jaded towards women with children..I am a single mom with two wonderful children. I work full time and go to school full time...not all of us are still into the party scene but you will find that more in women under 25 | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/15/2012 8:30:48 PM | I don't know what the solution is
I do
The solution is having to qualify for a licence before raising children.
Based on:
A) Enough finances to raise a child and cover your own basic needs
B) Parenting courses
C) A liveable environment for a child
D) A job or family environment conducive to raising children.
E) A minimum age requirement
There will still be some single mothers for whatever reason; but less problem mothers.
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/16/2012 1:25:19 AM |
The solution is having to qualify for a license before raising children.
Based on:
A) Enough finances to raise a child and cover your own basic needs
B) Parenting courses
C) A liveable environment for a child
D) A job or family environment conducive to raising children.
E) A minimum age requirement
Heh, you need a license to drive a car, own a concealed weapon, or even go fishing. Somehow, you don't need a license to [essentially] create a person and have complete control over their life.
I have been wondering the same thing these days. I look at many of the profiles on POF and see unemployed, entitled, party girls. I know for a fact that there are MANY good, attractive, caring single mothers out there. But I still hesitate...
Or the ones that are forever in school. HA. I can understand wanting standards, but being realistic is also a plus. The higher a woman sets her standards, the better a person she has to be because a man who meets her standards will also have some of his own. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/16/2012 7:35:40 PM | I don't know what the solution is I do The solution is having to qualify for a licence before raising children. Based on: A) Enough finances to raise a child and cover your own basic needs B) Parenting courses C) A liveable environment for a child D) A job or family environment conducive to raising children. E) A minimum age requirement There will still be some single mothers for whatever reason; but less problem mothers.
WOW! Give the man a medal! He has effectively solved the issue of single parenthood! Nobel peace prize perhaps?? What a ridiculous thing to say! Can you define each of the above things? What happens when a parent loses their job? Do they also lose their child? how would you determine the amount of money you need to make? Would the states do it? Cause I can tell you.. it's a lot more to raise a child in Jersey then it is in CO. How can you determine when someone is old enough to have a child? 18? 21? 30? what's next? Government mandated food shopping? Communism? How would you stop people from having babies? It isn't working in China! And the problem mothers are the ones that wouldn't follow the rules anyway! So what then?? Forced abortion? or adoption? and who will pay for that.. cause let me tell you.. you force that on me? Not only will I sue, I'm not footing the bill! IGNORANCE!
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/16/2012 7:48:19 PM | Nobel peace prize perhaps??
Excellent!
Can you define each of the above things?
Social Services, and Childrens Aid societies have already well defined them in CAnada. (not sure about the USA)
how would you determine the amount of money you need to make?
Those levels have also been defined by social services and rights groups.
? Would the states do it? Cause I can tell you.. it's a lot more to raise a child in Jersey then it is in CO.
Great plan! (wanna touch my medal?)
How can you determine when someone is old enough to have a child? 18? 21? 30?
In Canada; we would have a referendum, asking the opinions of everyonein the country/province. We do this for important questions. I trust that your States have the same kind of thing.
How would you stop people from having babies?
Much easier, and less controversial (And legally touchy) to let them "HAVE" the babies..just not "keep" em. ;)
It isn't working in China!
Many would say that it is, in fact, working in China. The general standard of living has raised intrinsically, with far lower poverty levels.
Wanna trade tyour 340 examples that its not working for my 341 that it is working?
And the problem mothers are the ones that wouldn't follow the rules anyway!
Would they deliver the babies themselves?
How about pay for their needs?
How about healthcare, in any way shape or form?
or adoption?
It's a beautiful thing.
and who will pay for that..
Adoptive parents.
you force that on me? Not only will I sue, I'm not footing the bill!
How about added taxes for social service babies and other social costs? THOSE bills are ok with you?
I heard they're a tad expensive.
IGNORANCE!
Nice boomerang, dont let it hit ya in the bean k?
The government controls at least half if not more of the decisions you make.
Ya, I know; there sure are alot of laws in our country also.
:)
I'm ok with most of em actually; they're a good idea | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/16/2012 8:22:27 PM | | I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you don't have kids, so you don't really know the full scope of what you are talking about. It's ok. You're opinions are still valid. No.. it's not working in China.. Families there are allowed 1 child, so they often abandon their child if it is a girl, leaving it to be raised by the country government until it is either adopted or aged out. How is that cheaper? You can't control freedom of choice and personal decisions, if you do it's called communism and people will eventually revolt, look to history if you want proof. If you do not have insurance you do not get to go anywhere, you get to go to the clinics and state or federally run hospitals and get sub par care, or you get to do it yourself and then you get to pay the medical bills for those procedures. It's incredibly hard to qualify for medical coverage as an adult, you have to be practically destitute to get it free, even as a pregnant adult. . Single mothers do not add as much to the bottom line as you imply they do, not as much as other programs that are referred to as money pits. So the state can take the kids and force the mother to put them up for adoption and you're ok with this? way to give up your personal freedoms!I'm ok with some laws. The ones that interfere with my personal life are the ones I have issues with. A law that forced me into adoption because I was deemed "to poor" to have a child would take away my personal freedom that is protected by the constitution. I take immense issue with that. Who PAYS for the kid while they are in foster care awaiting adoptive parents? Which do you think is more expensive? If the mother qualified for section 8 prior to the baby, they probably will qualify afterwards too since the level of income is so low to begin with. No help there. Lets see.. I made 8 bucks an hour full time, qualified for nothing and had to pay 40 bucks a week for the state ins my son was on.. my friends got their ins cheaper through their jobs, mine didn't offer any. so where's the help there? Notice you skip though and picked and chose what to respond to. Adoptive parents pay for the adoption if you can find them. otherwise the state pays for raising the child. Yep.. added taxes for caring for children is OK with me. Added taxes so the government can stuff more money in it's pockets is not. The level of income "needed" to raise a child would be what? Nice answer. Social service can't come up with any guidelines beyond don't beat your child, that make any sense. Not to mention not one state is the same as the other, and parenting classes are a joke. They basically tell you not to beat your child, don't lose your temper, don't neglect them and play game with them to build a relationship. They don't teach you anything. As for age.. I know people who are 18 who are much better suited to raise a child then some 30 and 40 year olds I know. How would you account for maturity? Heck I know a 50 year old who I wouldn't leave my son with even now at his age! I agree a teen shouldn't have a baby, but you can't police it like that. It's against the laws of this nation. It's a huge slippery slope. And money? Each state is different, just look at the child support tables and the unemployment tables and the cost of living in each state. You couldn't make up one that would fit! | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/16/2012 8:36:06 PM | | I have a better solution. How about we find the deatbeat parent, the one who walked out, and force them into parenthood and contributing to raising the child, thereby increasing the household income used to raise the child, and decreasing the number of single parents on social benefits. Of course that's not possible due to our constitution either. Eventho if I were to neglect my child as the deadbeat parent does, I'd go to jail for abuse and/or neglect, but he gets to run free of responsibility and gets charged with nothing. You want to help the children? Come up with a plan that make BOTH parents stick around to raise a child. Yea infringes on my personal freedoms alright, but I chose to have a child, so I need to deal with those responsibilities so does the other parent. If I can't get away with neglect neither should he. I think that is a much better solution then any of the ones proposed above. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/17/2012 2:02:48 PM | I think level of responsibility is the core of this thread and it being online being a bit less responsible or am I wrong?
You will be able to "judge" a person after you get to know them and that takes some time, not a few weeks or dates.
I would not have dated an irresponsible single dad at your age, why would you want to date an irresponsible single mother?
I would not have had TIME to be online at your age with a child and a career looking for a freaking man.
I had responsibilities and priorities and dating was LOW on the list.
Just bumped into the right one at the right time..That's life.
Lasted 11 years and I wasn't looking at all.
Any age person, male or female looking to hard..well
I dated as a single mother around your age and met a divorced father of one and it lasted 11 years.
If a single mother even lets you meet her child to soon RUN!!! | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/17/2012 2:49:16 PM | You can't control freedom of choice and personal decisions
Feel like going into the bank and emptying the vault of its money?
Why not?
So the state can take the kids and force the mother to put them up for adoption and you're ok with this?
Those who arn't fit, and who are having new children?
Yup; sure am.
Those who already HAVE their children at home? (not so much; that's inhumane)
Who PAYS for the kid while they are in foster care awaiting adoptive parents?
Same people who pay for them while they are on assistance now I figure
How about we find the deatbeat parent, the one who walked out, and force them into parenthood and contributing to raising the child
But...but...
what about your curtailment of freedoms argument?
I made 8 bucks an hour full time, qualified for nothing and had to pay 40 bucks a week for the state ins my son was on.. my friends got their ins cheaper through their jobs, mine didn't offer any. so where's the help there?
You wouldn't have needed it; were you to have chose adoption.
Yep.. added taxes for caring for children is OK with me. Added taxes so the government can stuff more money in it's pockets is not.
Many people have different ideas what constitutes "caring for children".
Does getting them some crack to deal to bring the bacon home as part of the team constitute "caring"?
Cause it happens.....lots....no?
I know people who are 18 who are much better suited to raise a child then some 30 and 40 year olds I know
I actually agree.
It's a huge slippery slope.
No it's not
You couldn't make up one that would fit!
Yes you could.
How's it working now, as it is? (not so good?)
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/17/2012 2:51:52 PM | I have a better solution. How about we find the deatbeat parent, the one who walked out, and force them into parenthood and contributing to raising the child,
But.....but......
What about your curtailment of freedoms argument?
. Eventho if I were to neglect my child as the deadbeat parent does, I'd go to jail for abuse and/or neglect, but he gets to run free of responsibility and gets charged with nothing.
Wouldn't have happened if you had no choice, but to use adoption at the time of birth.
Really; keep going until you throw something I 'cant' answer.
At THAT point; I would need to do more work, or abandon the idea.
Come up with a plan that make BOTH parents stick around to raise a child.
impossible.
(death happens/sh*t happens)
However; maybe waiting until you are more equipped to make such huge decisions and handle the stresses life throws MAY be a good suggestion. (to all youngsters thinking about sex, and baby rearing; that is)
If I can't get away with neglect neither should he
Agreed. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/17/2012 4:36:01 PM | Well, i think there are more qualifications to being a parent beyond just being of a certain age & income level, although I will agree that it having a stable foundation is optimal when choosing to have kids.
There are people that look good on paper who are horrible, crap parents. There are people who may not have it all together, but are great parents. I do not think we as a society, should judge parents as unfit unless they abuse or neglect their kids. I am sure that anyone, if i spent some time with them & went over their life with a fine tooth comb, I could deem to be unfit.
I personally had a child young & unprepared, & went on to live a good life & to provide very well for my little family.
When i had the second child, my life was picture-perfect at that time, I could not have been happier & more ready for a child, & life still took a huge crap on me. Through it all, my kids have remained loved, adored, cherished, & cared for. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/17/2012 5:42:42 PM | You can't take a bunch of people and cram them into one stereotype, which is what you just did. Typical of a childless person to dismiss the whole idea of the other parent sticking around. Duh if they die they can't be there.. I didn't think that needed to be pointed out. You give up your freedoms to be a single carefree child when you have a child. Freedoms to raise a child the way the parents see fit and the freedom to walk away from said child are two completely different. Things would have been different if the deadbeat sticks around. Can't argue with your forced adoptions idea any other way. It's a blatant disregard for personal freedoms and choice, and perhaps it's different there in Canada, but those freedoms are generally valued in this country. And you're wrong again. If the deadbeat parent sticks around, that would double the income and reduce the number of people using the systems and neglecting their kids.
Ah ya know what.. nevermind.. you know everything..
We have totally different lives, totally different views and totally different life experience.
Agree to disagree..
age old argument.. deadbeats get away scott-free from their responsibility and everyone ok with it..meanwhile it's the parent who stuck around to raise the kids who is considered the "drain on society" and everyone blames them for anything. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/17/2012 7:38:11 PM | You can't take a bunch of people and cram them into one stereotype, which is what you just did
I was actually using the obvious example.
Want me to make an exhaustive list?
Typical of a childless person to dismiss the whole idea of the other parent sticking around
Why am I childless?
Have I helped raise any?
Have I studied social services as they relate to children?
Hmmmm hu?
Duh if they die they can't be there
And yet you wish to guarantee that both are there to raise a child.
Duh right.
Freedoms to raise a child the way the parents see fit and the freedom to walk away from said child are two completely different
Na; if he sees walking away as his parenting style; then I guess that would also fit the freedom to raise a child as he sees fit. There's some kids out there that would probably have been "way" better off if a problem parent DID walk away. [Or; are you one that feels that ANY parenting is proper parenting]
(Are we goin all PC, and swapping truth for nice fuzzies?)
It's a blatant disregard for personal freedoms and choice
So are drinking and driving laws.
So are laws against uranium in your basement.
So are laws against raping pretty women,and in your case cute men.
I guess it all comes down to "is it worth it", or "eglitarianism" hu.
If the deadbeat parent sticks around, that would double the income
Promise?
What if he or she doesnt have an income?
Ah ya know what.. nevermind.. you know everything
Na; not even close.
Thanks for the workout though
deadbeats get away scott-free from their responsibility
That one can be very much argued too.
Perhaps the deadbeat and the woman who chose him to inseminate her, and possibly made him a deadbeat, should both be....
Na; let's not
it's the parent who stuck around to raise the kids who is considered the "drain on society" and everyone blames them for anything.
Na; it's both.
Let's also blame the media....just because.
Cheers; and have an awesome evening. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 4/18/2012 11:29:31 AM | | I know a couple of single moms in their 20's and both are very responsible. I know several in their 30's - all responsible. The only irresponsible single mom I know is in her late 40's (I also know a dozen or so in their 40's who are completely responsible). It is all about the individual. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 5/4/2012 10:39:13 PM | [QUOTE] It is (I think) common for women with children to be concerned about the different men that come an go in a childs life if they are dating [/QUOTE] Women that respect themselves will not bring a bunch of different men into their childrens' lives unless a relationship becomes serious.
So a single mum out partying and shagging loads of different guys is perhaps expected to adhere to a different standard than a women with no children (or grown up ones) Again, women that respect themselves are not going to bring a sh*tload of guys into their kids' lives unless one of the relationships turns serious. Party girls lack the self-respect and therefore, it won't matter whether or not they have a child-they'll continue the behavior until they do. Unfortunately, the only way to know for certain is to get to know the person in question, and see how she behaves. (I'd like to say the same applies to men-some people just don't ever grow up! Male or female!) | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 5/5/2012 1:51:04 AM | I got pregnant at 18 with a guy I have been dating for sometime & had my son at 19. He didnt wanna stand up & be a man so I left him. I am now a 20 year old single mother.
Do i go out & party? Yes i do.
Do i hook up with random guys every now & then? Yes I do.
Am i immature or a bad mother because of it? No i am not.
Why?
Because unlike most mother my age i've learned to balance my responsibilites with my social life. My son comes before i do any sort of partying or anything socially related. I am up with him every morning, i feed him bathe him change him & i put him to bed every night. But once he's asleep & a friend asks me to hang out and party & a family member is nice enough to keep an eye on him I will go out and hang out with friends & party. But oyu best believe i'm home in time to take care of my son and do what needs to be done. If im hanging out and i get a call saying to come home cause my son needs me best believe i will be there in a heart beat. If his grandma wants to see him & keep him for a weekend i'm not sitting at home all day doing nothing im going out and be a 20 year old but i always come back to my responsiblties.
If i'm dating a guy do i expect him to babysit or take care of my child for me? HELL NO!
Its my child. Not theres. The only man that should babysit and take care of him is his father who obviously couldnt grow up even the tinest bit to do that.
The point im trying to make is that you can still be a younger single mother & go out have fun & do what normal people those age do, just as long as your responsible about it. (Like for instance with the hook ups use protection)
I know i may not be 100% mature or grown up but i know i am enough to be able to enjoy being a mom & a normal 20 year old its just how you do it.
Even then you dont always get your way, kids cant always go to grandmas and people arent always gonna be there to watch your kid so you can go out & have fun & even if they are there they arent always gonna watch them for you.
ITS ALL ABOUT THE BALANCE
I am grateful for the life i have & that i am able to to all these things, but its people like that that do give us more responsible young mothers a bad name & its those men who constantly think all single moms want is to find a new daddy for there kids that tick me off too. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 5/5/2012 7:19:56 AM | Hmmmmmmmmm read somewhere that households consisting of just single mom and kid(s) tends to produce homosexual boys. Study said their role model is the mom and thats what they emulate as they grow up.
Must be kind of hard on the kid going thru life knowing he was a hit and run accident. Kids in school can be very cruel when it comes to stuff like that. | |
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| Single mothers, their age, and level of personal responsibility
Posted: 5/5/2012 7:46:20 AM | Really? You know this how? experience?
My son never gets picked on about his lack of a dad, and with the divorce rate and military being deployed and everything else, it's way more common to have a household with only one parent. My son gets picked on for normal stuff, his clothes not being right (whatever that means), he occasionally sucks his thumb, he says or does dumb things that elicits a response from his peers. He's been asked about his dad, but he's never been teased about it. It's way more common then it should be.
what study? and why is that an issue? Are you a homo-phobe? I've dated a few men raised by only mom.. they were far from homosexual.. trust me.. they were a little more understand then a typical guy, and one knew a lot about hair and nails (his mom was a hair stylist) lol, but he isn't gay.
people are individuals. why do we feel the need to group them all together? Example A is a crappy parent, example B is a great parent, you can't just push them together into one group, they are individuals. Seems most people judge a person in the first few seconds of meeting them. I personally hate the question, where is your child tonight?. Once I told a guy I tied him to a toilet in the bathroom and gave him a water bottle. He told me i'm a bad parent, without knowing anything else about me. I mean come on..Common sense people! Where would you have your child if you went out? That crap about parents shouldn't go out is crap! I remember my parents having date night and leaving us with a sitter, or the neighbors or whoever they deemed good enough, why is it bad that i go out?
You can't say a parent is irresponsible based off observing them for one night while they are out. When I go out, I'm loud, i'm boisterous, I drink, I dance, I hit on men without any intention of bringing them home. I dance some more and usually I'm at karaoke so I sing badly to, and lots of time I sing songs that are inappropriate for children. I do not behave this way if my son is with me, nor do I behave this way at home.(well I might sing appropriate songs badly and dance to them, but you know what i mean lol) Do you? What about at work? I probably miss less days of work then my child-free counterparts, even if I stayed out to late the prior night.
Are all of us like this? No.. but the majority is often silent, it's the minority that screams the loudest.. | |
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