| | my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?Page 12 of 13 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13) | Well at least you tried to do something more than just bumping your gums on a message board about it. Unlike the OP the "father of the year". His concern for his daughters cervix made my flesh creep. I just looked at his post history and he seems to have started the thread and vanished soon after. I dont believe he was looking for advice at all.
Ever get the feeling that "theres something very wrong with this picture". | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/10/2011 10:13:03 PM | I may step on some anti-spanking zealots toes but I would tear my daughter up nor would I allow her on birth control because you're basically saying its ok for her to hump every boy that comes along. Get a grip on your child and put your foot down. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/14/2011 1:26:14 PM | Thank god someone that speaks some sence, I was concerned by how nieve some of the other comments were, they obviously don't have kids or a clue.
Keep all lines of communication open, and if she does say things you don't like don't overreact becuase if you do she will shut down and won't come to you again, and if she does get in trouble then she needs to be able to come to you. You need to teach her about self-respect, cause if she can't respect herself then why should anyone else. make sure she is aware of protection and the long term effects of STI's.
Depending on when you seperated this could be an attempt at attention seeking and she may not be "doing" anything other than hanging out. You need to speak with your ex and make sure that is what is happening if it is see a lawer as she is not a fit parent allowing this to continue.
What you are saying about clothes is correct, I fight every day to find "approprate" clothes that are the "fashon" for my 12 year old. but I just keep trying and that is all you can do "clothes don't make the person". just the opinion of others so when you pass girls in the street point out to her about how way the are dressed gives the wrong impression and hopefuly it will sink in.
But most of all she needs her DAD to BE A DAD and lay down the law for your home. and stick to it bounderies need to be in place, only then will she respect you and your opinion. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/14/2011 2:01:36 PM | RE: Gothicgirl
<div class="quote">I would tear my daughter up nor would I allow her on birth control because you're basically saying its ok for her to hump every boy that comes along
If the kids sexually active anything other than sending them to a convent will not stop them from getting more. Sadly it is a popular thing for kids to do now, Ive heard that oral sex among grade schoolers is as common as kissing so as a responsible parent the least you can do is try to educate them and get on birth control to help prevent pregnancy and condoms to help prevent some std's
To know your child is sexually active and not do so is irresponsible
As to the poster RauVerra who said their 14yo sister was active with a guy of 24yrs If it were my kid and the cops did nothing rest assure I would. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/14/2011 2:46:25 PM | mooorishey- I read your post and many of the reply's. You seem to be rejecting any advice you don't want to hear.
Why go on a public forum and ask for advice and then ignore it?!!
I don't care where you live. Your daughter is 14, you are the custodial parent. Put your foot down!
Tell her in NO uncertain terms that you expect to know where she's going and with whom, then follow up and make sure she's where she says she is supposed to be.
Talk to her mother and tell her you are fed up and won't tolerate this.
Have a talk with the 17 year old and let him know that you won't tolerate him having sex with your 14 year old daughter.
I don't know about UK laws, but in the US you can file a chins complaint, which stands for child in need of supervision. You can have her put into a juvenile facility until she gets her head on straight and realizes she HAS to listen to you, like it or not.
Sometime being a hard '@ss is the only way to go and this is one of those times.
There will come a time when your daughter is older that your relationship will change and THEN you can be her friend.
That time is NOT now. Now is the time to step up and let your daughter know that she will not do whatever she wants because you aren't going to let her.
There will also come a time when she will thank you for protecting her and doing what is right.
Trust me been there, done that, and I have no regrets for keeping my children in check.
That is our responsibility as a parent.
It's either that or live in hell while she self destructs, you choose. | |
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majyk1
| | Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 281 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/15/2011 3:08:10 PM | gothicgirl86 & bamagrl68
Just because you demand and even expect your children to be honest with you..... Does NOT mean that they are!!!
If you don't have an open line of communication and trust then they will inevitably go behind your back and do what ever they want.
That doesn't mean be a friend and not a parent by all means!
That is why if you even suspect they may be sexually active or have thoughts along those lines, birth control is a must (IMO). That doesn't mean you condone it, it simply means you are doing your damnedest to make sure what WON'T occur when they go and do it any way. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/15/2011 9:09:20 PM | | So I should just put my daughter on birth control and say okay baby now you can hump every boy and man that comes along? I don't think so! This why kids are like they are because parents are afraid to teach them anything and only want to take the easy way out. As a parent, if you truly love your children, no will be the answer. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/16/2011 8:24:14 AM | You can build a tower, lock her up and cut her hair so no boys can climb up it to get to her. Get a chastity belt, preferably pink or you can appeal to her sense of pride and self-respect.
There is a reason why they now have daycares in highschools. This is a common issue and since your children spend more time away from home than at home there will be things that our out fo your control. It's very hard work as a parent teaching your child self respect/preservation before she reaches the age of 12+ when girls are too younge and dumb to now better than to say "No" when a guy hits on her. But now that she has already taken that leap your job is going to be even harder.
Suggestions from this point on? Have her volunteer at an abortion clinic or a home for abused woman. That should teach her a morsel of self/respect preservation. If she has a cell phone, take it away. You are her provider so control the clothes in her wardrobe. Does she wear makeup? Throw it out. Teenagers should not be wearing makeup. Playing dress-up makes our children feel and act older than they actually are and 9 times out of 10 sends out a message to boys who are just learning that there are new alternatives to using their hands and that alternative no longer has cooties that the girl in the desk next to them may be an easy target. When she asks for a sleepover with her "girlfriends" offer for her friends to sleepover at your house instead.
As for dealing with the Mom who does not share the same values, I don't know...I'm having the same issue with my ex so your guess is as good as mine. Thankfully in my situation my ex only provides a couple of hours each Sunday of corruption and my 9 year old is mature enough to know that he can't take his Father seriously. Funny enough my Son corrects my ex's language and rolls his eyes at some of his idiocy! lol.
Life as a parent is not easy, it's not supposed to be and it's only going to get harder. You're competing with an immoral society and the devil always makes a better case for mischief then you will. If it gets to be too much for you then there is always that tower...
Disclaimer: When I say devil..I mean it figuratively. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/16/2011 3:41:10 PM |
So I should just put my daughter on birth control and say okay baby now you can hump every boy and man that comes along? I don't think so! This why kids are like they are because parents are afraid to teach them anything and only want to take the easy way out. As a parent, if you truly love your children, no will be the answer
Of course not but you cannot assume once active shell just stop cause mommy said so.
It is a parents responsibility to educate not just dictate
ALL KIDS have 1 thing in common. If Mommy and daddy say no they want it 1000x's more
If you do not take a different approach you may find your teen daughter making you a grandma very soon
With my own son, I educated him, showed him what life is like with and without kids, I took him to a dr showed him what STD's look like and how they affect you, I told him sex is a good thing but not until he is mature enough to understand its consequences. )physical and emotional) I then told him that condoms help but do not guarantee
Hes educated and short of locking him in a dungeon hes gonna do what hes gonna do
Remember in today's schools blow jobs are as common as kissing, stop denying what is fact Sex is everywhere do you want your daughter getting pregnant or a non curable STD because you think telling her what to do actually works? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/16/2011 5:38:38 PM | majyk1- Let me clarify.......
I wasn't born yesterday. I know children lie.
I've done my best to prevent it, but I know it happens.
My children all know they will get in FAR more trouble if they lie to me.
I must be doing something right because they all come to me and tell me about the things that matter most.
They know that I would much rather buy them condoms and/or birth control than find out I'm going to be a grandma or that they have a VD.
(my daughter is 17 and is not sexually active by choice)
The original OP admitted he KNEW his 14 year old daughter was having sex with a 17 year old.
Who's picking her up?, she can't drive.
Where's dad when she leaves?
I don't keep my children locked in a closest or believe in some fairy tale that they are perfect.
I can tell you that there has never been a time, nor will there be, when a child of mine, at 14, tells me what they are going to do and with whom as if I have no say in the matter. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/17/2011 9:47:22 AM | | jnemeth, do you hear yourself? I don't think you do. I know the younger generation parents and some older ones are all liberal about child rearing but I grew up old school. My parents told me not to have sex early and I respected that. I didn't give birth til 27 and lost it at 18. So how is it that I DON'T realize sex is everywhere? If my daughter respected herself and doesn't want the tag "hoe", she won't degrade herself. Teaching females and males self respect is very important not just showing them, is something parents tend to forget. | |
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majyk1
| | Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 287 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/17/2011 12:28:19 PM |
It is a parents responsibility to educate not just dictate
My point EXACTLY!
My daughter is now 20, she has self respect. THAT came from long discussions and open communication! In no way did I ever express that it was OK to be sexually active, but I also KNEW that just because *I* didn't want her to be that she wouldn't be.
Bamagrl68 I didn't say you did anything wrong! Where on earth did you get that? All I was saying is: You can dictate what your expectations are all week long, in the end if the child doesn't feel comfortable coming to the adult what do you think really happens??
I know the younger generation parents and some older ones are all liberal about child rearing but I grew up old school.
I find a lot of parents don't even understand what child rearing is... especially since everyone seems to be so PC these days.
I do know that my parents form of child rearing meant instilling fear.... It really only worked when I was face to face with them unfortunately.
If my daughter respected herself and doesn't want the tag "hoe", she won't degrade herself.
Agreed.... sometimes it doesn't matter how much you drill that into their heads... they just don't get it. Just like adults... we learn a LOT by our mistakes.
Teaching females and males self respect is very important not just showing them, is something parents tend to forget.
Absolutely agree!
It's still MO that you have to have an open line of communication not just tunnel vision iron fist approach. | |
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majyk1
| | Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 288 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/17/2011 12:34:09 PM |
So I should just put my daughter on birth control and say okay baby now you can hump every boy and man that comes along?
Oh please... that wasn't what I said at all. Can't you read?
I NEVER condoned sex and made that very clear.... but I KNEW it was bound to happen....eventually, weather I liked it or not.
I simply educated and covered the base so to speak for WHEN it did happen.
This why kids are like they are because parents are afraid to teach them anything and only want to take the easy way out.
Just as a parent will take the easy way out and just demand (or try to) that they are not sexually active instead of having that open line of communication!!! | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/17/2011 2:05:06 PM | OP.
I have 2 daughter. They are now older.
Yet, When I suspected that my oldest one was having sex, I take her to see a doctor first, Got her the pill.Explaining that the pill is not protecting her from STD
Then I find books and pamphlets, to show her what STD can do, some photos are so graphic it can scare the hell of even a grown up man.
I also have a nurse explaining some of what, I have no idea what I was talking about as far as reproduction organs.
You can't lock or watch her 24/7 . Then that is all you can do, forget about what the laws are saying. Who care.
What matter is how you can do your best to protect her .
That is the bottom line. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/17/2011 2:06:20 PM |
I know the younger generation parents and some older ones are all liberal about child rearing but I grew up old school. My parents told me not to have sex early and I respected that. I didn't give birth til 27 and lost it at 18. So how is it that I DON'T realize sex is everywhere? If my daughter respected herself and doesn't want the tag "hoe", she won't degrade herself. Teaching females and males self respect is very important not just showing them, is something parents tend to forget.
Gothic....two households....two sets of rules and two different parents....I have dated a few mothers who tried to implement a very hard strict guideline on their children....only to see the child leave home for the father which is in my opinion acceptable as both parents are equally within their right to parent in the manner they see as fit....
In the situation of the OP....his ex wife allows it in her home....easy to suggest hard and fast rules where the child see's the rigid parent as the place to flee and the less rigid parent as the place to flee to.....
What is required is understanding the bigger picture or the bigger goal at the end of the parenting role....insuring that the best overall choices are there for the child or children today and long into the future.
You followed the mandate or order of your parents.....I never followed rules just because i was told....in fact growing up a great game was seeing how far one could stretch or bend the rules....in high school rules were there to be broken…even if the strap was used about 6 times….the tighter you make the rules sometimes the more they fight to overthrow the dictator.
I have 2 daughters....I tried to teach them respect for themselves...self reliance and understanding the actions they undertake all have potential repercussions and consequences...and I kept them very active and involved in sports....
What you also have to not forget is if you are too rigid or dogmatic in what is or is not acceptable you can just as easily see them walk out the door .....nothing about liberal child rearing.....just understanding that if you hold on to tight they can just as easily fight you off just for the point of needing fresh air and the chance to actually learn on their own. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/17/2011 3:23:16 PM | majyk1- I know you didn't say I was doing anything wrong. What I meant by "I must be doing something right" is that my parenting style has worked well for me and my children.
I understand what you are saying. It is important that children know they can talk to their parents.
I know sometimes you have to watch your children make mistakes.
All I am trying to say is there are limits to what a parent tolerates.
There are times when you have to say NO.
We aren't arguing, I'm not mad at you, I don't think you are mad at me, we are expressing opinions here. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/17/2011 4:28:16 PM |
I know the younger generation parents and some older ones are all liberal about child rearing but I grew up old school. My parents told me not to have sex early and I respected that. I didn't give birth til 27 and lost it at 18. So how is it that I DON'T realize sex is everywhere? If my daughter respected herself and doesn't want the tag "hoe", she won't degrade herself. Teaching females and males self respect is very important not just showing them, is something parents tend to forget.
Teaching RESPECT period is important. Labeling someone a "ho" and calling sex degrading is NOT teaching respect, it's teaching someone that if they do x, y, z, they will be lessor than they are and if they have sex, they are degrading "who" they are. That's not teaching self-respect or respect of what others may choose to do ~ that's thrusting moral dictations. Which is fine if that is one chooses to do it ~ but personally? I've got NO respect for any person that isn't fair-minded enough to be sex-positive and teach their children that abstinence is, of course, best, but that safe sex is required and that sex isn't something ugly that will degrade any part of who they are once they choose to go that route. There is no way possible to frighten, dictate or ensure our children will not become sexually active. The best thing we can do is to make certain they are SMART when that time comes. Anything less than that? Someone's not done their job as a parent. JMO  | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/17/2011 5:33:30 PM |
There are times when you have to say NO.
We aren't arguing, I'm not mad at you, I don't think you are mad at me, we are expressing opinions here.
and when you say no...and they do it anyway.......what are you going to do or say?
That is what defines you as a parent? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/17/2011 11:25:39 PM | VERYGREENEYEZ.
and few other OP.
You nail it on the head.
People who are scared about sex, and teaching their own children that it is degrading, don't do a good job.
All they are creating are , frustrated, repressed individuals.
And in some cases, serial killers.
Think about it for a second.......
JMO | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/19/2011 6:57:47 PM |
Gothic....two households....two sets of rules and two different parents....
I agree with Tealwood on this very challenging aspect of the whole thing. Quite often ex's DON'T agree or see eye-to-eye or co-parent very well. It takes two to cooperate. As a parent you can advise all you want, try to keep your kids loved and busy and hope to hell your kids keep their heads on their shoulders in the arena of sexuality.
Doesn't always happen like a parent wants or dictates, however.
I remember, in the case of my daughter...when she let me know that she was going to be sexually active at 16...me setting up the doctor's appointment, picking up the birth-control...she even asked that I administer the q3monthly injection, which I did. Her father was furious that we did this as "My daughter WON'T be having sex...end of conversation!"
Did I like it that she was becoming sexually active? Hell no!
It wasn't my permission for her to hump everything in site...but a decision to protect her because she fully planned on doing this thing that I had advised her she wan't ready for. It didn't make much sense to tell her that she wasn't allowed....keep my head in the sand...cross my fingers and hope. I figured it was time to be pro-active.
In the world of my Sweetheart...he had the feeling that his 16 year old twin girls were sexually active, but they deny, deny...denied it. He was the one trying to get them to consider birth control. Their mother was advising the twins that it would make them fat, so they didn't want to. The more Sweetheart brought up the topic...the more he was told he was an idiot...that they weren't stupid, doncha know....
One of his, now 17 year old girls, is due to give birth any day now. You can't control what happens in the other parent's home, or the advice the other parent gives.
I also find that young people don't put a very high import on certain sexual activities, such as that poster that mentioned oral sex being little more than kissing to some young people. I remember having to chase grade 8 kids from under the bleachers at a school dance....who were doing that very thing. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/19/2011 7:43:15 PM | Well I went thru this. First of all you are not going to stop them from having sex if they truely want it. So protect her....keep her on birth control. People may say you are condoneing the behavior. Not neccessarily...Mom needs to stay with the same or near same rules..communication between the two of you is so important.
For some reason it seems to me 16 is the legal age of consent...mom needs to be made aware of legal age of consent. In addition, if Mom wants to put her in an at risk situation, you as the custodial parent and maybe those weeks need to be readjusted. | |
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majyk1
| | Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 297 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/19/2011 10:30:58 PM |
I've got NO respect for any person that isn't fair-minded enough to be sex-positive and teach their children that abstinence is, of course, best, but that safe sex is required and that sex isn't something ugly that will degrade any part of who they are once they choose to go that route.
ABSO FREAKING LUTLEY!!
THAT is open communication. Sex isn't ugly, it's natural.... Just not quite as "natural" at 14.
Quite often ex's DON'T agree or see eye-to-eye or co-parent very well. It takes two to cooperate.
THIS is the OP's problem and why his situation is so out of control IMO.
Did I like it that she was becoming sexually active? Hell no!
It wasn't my permission for her to hump everything in site...but a decision to protect her because she fully planned on doing this thing that I had advised her she wan't ready for. It didn't make much sense to tell her that she wasn't allowed....keep my head in the sand...cross my fingers and hope. I figured it was time to be pro-active.
100% on the mark!! | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/24/2011 12:52:21 PM | Gothic girl
the topic at hand is SEXUALLY ACTIVE TEEN if your child is not sexually active then my post has nothing to do with you and your non sexually active child
If a child is sexually active then in addition to teaching them the pros and cons of being sexually active you need to teach them about safe sex
this is not condoning sex it is being a good responsible parent and protecting them and you from the potentials of STD;s and pregnancy not to mention the emotional affects of sex at that age
Those of you who think your kids follow all your rules simpoly because you tell them to are in la la land they may respect you to your face but when you are not there you have NO IDEA what they are doing or who they are doing it with.
My experience is the good kids tend to be the baddest when with friends
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 9/25/2011 1:37:20 AM | | I'm sure the "author"name won't comfort much...however, I am 40. Just don't shut her down. Don't try to be too "understanding". Just make it known that you love her unconditionally. But as everyone else has mentioned, make her aware of the laws, the stds that she is exposing herself to and the affects of a, "Shit, what did I do?". Some things can not be reversed | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 2/17/2012 11:11:10 AM | | I just don't know how I'd handle my little girls having sex in the next year or two...chryste....they're little girls still....back in the day kids started having sex in high school-and we remember the ones that dropped out because of pregnancy...now-a-days the kids want to start in junior high...wtf...and as a parent we're suppose to be ok with that because there's now stopping it??? | |
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