| | my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?Page 2 of 13 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13) | yes - the wart virus vaccine is offered to ( hopefully! ) pre- sexually active girls ( 11/12) - I am sure she has had it - when she briefly lived with her mother - HOWEVER it does not protect against all the virus
Like there IS a Aids vaccine available - but it only works in 30% of cases...
Now no vaccine is 100% - and as long as you know that they are still worthwhile - but I think she believes ( and how can we expect 11/12 year old girls to understand ) she is " protected" | |
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My I
| | Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 28 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/25/2011 6:36:44 PM |
I just dont know how to deal with this - just ignore it!!??
My kids aren't as young but I am faced with the same situation. Like you, I have an ex who seems to condone sex and other destructive lifestyles to young kids as a "right to live life".
Other than the things Conscious soul stated, I made strict rules regarding boys and their (my daughters) permitted behaviour under my roof in comparison to the rules (or lack of rules) at their mom's house.
It would be great if I could stop the behaviour (thankfully they have goals they don't want hindered by unwanted pregnancy) but stopping them aint going to happen. By instilling rules that are very clear and arbitrary, they gain a level of respect for you. At your daughter's age I had to address a few issues that were acceptable with mom but not with me. Now that my girls are maturing they both complimented me for being a "father" as opposed to being a "friend" like their mother was - and still is. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 12:13:59 AM |
but I think she believes ( and how can we expect 11/12 year old girls to understand ) she is " protected"
Oh, so the situation is actually worse than what I thought. Since her mother had got involved in the actual consent of the situation, I would have thought that, at least, she would have taken her to the GP to get the pill and got her some condoms...
And the wart vaccine has caused problems to some girls. The issue is being studied, but here there have been cases of girls suffering even brain damage from it. I know that, until it's further investigated and improved, I won't be putting it into my daughter.
Yes, you must talk to her, but you must also take steps to stop the situation. If all what she's got with regards to protection is a wart vaccine, then all of the people involved will be lucky if she hasn't got anything else. A GP and a sexual health clinic would also be my next port of call...
With regards to the 2005 article you quoted, it is a very sad state of things, and it shows, once more, why the sexual education and the message transmitted to youngsters is so far from what it should be. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 1:11:27 AM |
She is on injected contraceptive ( organized with mom - a positive - some responsibility and smarts!!) and has plenty of condoms - HOWEVER the general principle of young girls / immature cervix is that they are VERY vulnerable to go on to develop cervical cancer - due to exposure to the " wart virus" at this young / vulnerable age - and the vaccine does NOT protect against all virus. did I not just say all that in previous post????
so she cant forget to take pill - has long lasting one injected ( not ideal - but at least she is very unlikely to get pregnant.. ) but girls this age will be / are under enormous pressure from boys / men to not use condoms - and do not / will not understand the risk. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 1:32:10 AM | Ok, maybe I'm talking from no scientific base here, but it seems to me that something injected would be stronger than something taken orally. I'm wondering about the chemicals in a contraceptive injection here.
For instance, health professionals have complained widely about the liberalization of the morning after pill here. Chemists have said how certain girls will go for it every weekend, or even on a Friday and a Sunday, for instance. The pill has hormones and chemicals meant as a last resort, not to be taken continuously. They say it can bring bad consequences for the health to abuse it as many do.
I've never been sure about the suitability of giving hormonal things to young girls, who are going through important changes in their bodies... Additionally, there is the maturity issue about the cervix that you rightly comment...
So, leaving emotional/moral issues to one side, even if you choose to disregard the legal one, there are many reasons for concern... I think you have been given some excellent advice and, whilst I understand it's not easy to confront people, sometimes it's the only way of showing them how much you love them. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 7:52:08 AM |
yes - the wart virus vaccine is offered to ( hopefully! ) pre- sexually active girls ( 11/12) - I am sure she has had it - when she briefly lived with her mother
I would confirm that post-haste. I know when I took my 19 yr old daughter, the HPV vaccine had to be done in multiple sessions. If your ex is as irresponsible as she seems, I would have serious reservations that she followed up on subsequent doses. Please verify with the doctor that she is protected. Don't take it for granted.
I agree that Soul has given some good advice, particularly with regard to multiple or ongoing small talk conversations. For example, when my daughter dropped her bombshell about all the girls in her grade that were pregnant - that opened a conversation like: Do you know any of these girls personally? no. What do you suppose they'll do? I dunno. What would you do? Eww, gross - Mom!! (you get the idea.) And again, if you have a female friend or relative, younger than yourself, but older than your daughter - I highly recommend getting them together. Suggest your friend take your daughter shopping - give them your credit card - it might cost you a dress or shoes, but it might give your daughter a chance to open up. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 8:11:58 AM | **Edited to add that my post is based off your original post OP**
The problem here OP is this....your daughter at 14 has not only now experienced sex but will more than likely experience sex with every bf due to not knowing another way to enjoy a relationship. (I hope that made sense...I'm tired, so forgive me).
What needs to change in your daughter is her Thinking!!
You can call the police (which I would recommend as suggested)...you can take away her possessions, you can ground her, yell at her, etc....but she's not going to stop having sex without her core beliefs in relationship changing.
Somewhere in her mind...she accepted that having sex at her age is ACCEPTABLE.
Someone allowed this behavior to happen...and she accepted it as a norm in relationships. 14 year olds ...should not be thinking about sex...except in the curiosity stage. 14 year olds should be hanging out with friends...group dating, hanging out at malls....playing sports....not wrapping her legs around some guy.
First....you have to find out WHY she believes it necessary to have sex at her age. It's not for enjoyment....it's more than likely due to some sort of pressure whether internal or external...meaning she believes she needs to have sex due to her own mental state or due to someone pressuring her.
Talk to her openly...let her know that you do know she is having sex. Don't discipline her...don't yell...just talk and let her talk. Find out the who, whats and how's behind what has been happening in HER life...(reserve your judgement!!). Remember...you are talking to her to get answers...not prosecute her.
Personally, I would suggest counselling....for both of you. Individual and perhaps some group counselling may help her in understanding that sex is not something she NEEDS at 14. She needs to know it's not necessary in forming a relationship at her age.
Most importantly....she needs to know she's loved and that love doesn't always have to involve sex.
I wish you luck OP....this is a difficult situation and I wish you the best!
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 9:19:34 AM | Independent july 2005...
More than one-fifth of schoolgirls have had three sexual partners by the age of 14, according to a new survey. The survey of 2,000 younger teenagers found that 22 per cent had had sex by the age of 14. Many had slept with multiple partners despite regretting their first experience.
The findings show that, of the 22 per cent of 14-year-olds who had had sex, most said they had between two and four partners, almost two-thirds did so unprotected (65 per cent), and almost half had had a one-night stand and taken the morning-after pill. Most experienced their first "proper kiss" by the age of 12, while 16 per cent of under 14-year-olds also said they had had sex. A third said they did not like their sexual partner, with more than a quarter claiming he had forced himself on her. Six per cent said they had been assaulted.
A psychotherapist, Tina Radziszewicz, said: "These figures are really depressing. The main problem is still that many girls don't know how to say 'no'. They desperately want affection and cuddles, but are terrified of losing their boyfriend so they give in to sex."
Seventy per cent of girls said they needed more information but felt let down by parents and teachers. Almost two-thirds said their parents had never broached the subject while only 7 per cent said they received enough information at school.
Most held romantic views, with almost all hoping to marry before having children and insisting love and affection were more important than sex. Three-quarters said there was far too much pressure to have sex. By the average age of 14 and a half, two-thirds said they had had their heart broken twice.
The research was carried out for Bliss magazine. The editor, Lisa Smosarski, said: "Peer pressure from friends plays a great role in this - they are desperate not to be the last virgin in school, but often they are not emotionally mature enough to deal with the situation."
Appart from asking for advice and reading up on the matter. What have you actually done so far ? Have you reported the mother to the police ? What about the 17 year old boy ? Have you spoke to him or his parents. Because he could end up a sex offender as you know. He would have to register as well. While you are quoting facts and figures are you allowing this situation to continue ? My first priority would be to stop the overnighters at mums. I find it strange you had to ask the question in first place.
edit
The longer this thread gets the more I believe it is complete BS.
24 hours ago you were pretty sure whe was sexually active, now you are commending her and her Mother for their birth control choice and quoting statistics.
I couldnt have put it better. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 11:39:32 AM | yes - I don't see the contradiction myself.
If you think it's BS - go away.
i assure you I am most sincere.
Of course it is better that, given she is sexually active, she IS using contraception!
I quote statistics to shed light on the matter - rather than just be dogmatic / just have an opinion - who cares what your small minded opinion is! | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 11:48:13 AM | Statistics aren't going to solve your problem!!
If it were MY daughter the last freaking thing I'm going to be thinking about is some stupid statistic!! Go ahead...look them up all you want...it's not going to change your daughters behavior (if this IS infact a true thread)
Although....you posting that is tending to make me believe that is b.s after all. A FATHER would be proactive in helping his kid....not looking online for statistics.
edit...I see you took some of the suggestions :). Sorry for being harsh...I'm a very proactive, confrontational person....so problems are dealt with quickly with me or at least looked into quickly. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 11:52:10 AM | Thanks "butterfly~effect"
I think you have hit the nail on the head - I have given her this
"Q: I’m not a virgin, I’ve had sex with my last two boyfriends, and my current boyfriend keeps pressuring me to have sex with him but I don’t want to. It’s not that I don’t love him, I do, but I just don’t feel like taking our relationship to that level yet. The more he pressures me the more I don’t want to have sex with him but I can’t give him a really good reason why. How can I make my boyfriend see that my not wanting sex has nothing to do with my feelings for him? Help, I don’t want to lose him!
A: This is not a tough question to answer because the bottom line is pretty clear; if you don’t want to have sex you don’t have to. That’s just the way it works. Just because you’re not a virgin does not mean you have to give in to sex every time you are asked. It’s your body and you are totally within your rights to say no to sex regardless of the number of times you’ve had sex in the past. Losing your virginity to one guy does not mean that you become a sure thing for every guy you date. The decision to have sex or not to have sex is a very personal one and nobody should ever try to make you feel like you are doing something wrong by wanting to abstain. When you make the decision to give your virginity to somebody you do not also consent to give yourself to every guy who wants you, remember that.
As to your comment that you don’t feel you have a good reason to be saying no to your new boyfriend let’s take a step back for a moment and turn the tables. First, the fact that you just don’t want to have sex is a very, very good reason and no further explanation is needed. Secondly, your boyfriend has no good reason to expect you to have sex with him just because you had sex with your last boyfriend. They are two different people with whom you share two different relationships, what felt good and right in one relationship may not feel the same in another. This is just a fact of love and your new boyfriend needs to deal with it and stop pressuring you to do something you are not ready to do. Your willingness to have sex with him has nothing to do with how much you care for him. You can love somebody very much and not be ready to have sex with them as easily as you can have sex with somebody you don’t love at all. The two things - love and sex - are mutually exclusive even though they are best when combined.
There is so much peer pressure for teens to have sex and it can be all to easy to lose sight of what is right for you as an individual. Try to keep the faith. Virgin or not you always have a choice whether or not to have sex. Sex is not a proof of love. It is not a test of your commitment in a relationship. It is a very personal choice to share yourself with another person and it should never be taken lightly.
Just in case you need it...
5 Very Good Reasons to NOT Have Sex
1. You don’t feel ready.
2. You’re too scared to try it.
3. You just don’t want to do it.
4. You feel pressured by peers or your partner.
5. You feel like you are being asked to prove your feelings by having sex. "
Which I think covers a lot of what you mean.
I have tried counseling with her before - but she refused it - but we are in line for it again. I have gathered around her a lot of help - and this time she appears to be accepting it.
I have always thought she needed a older sister type role model - A good one!!! but I have not managed to find her one. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 2:05:45 PM |
I have always thought she needed a older sister type role model - A good one!!! but I have not managed to find her one.
I suggest you look for another set of parents while your at it. Or maybe theres another good link on teenadvice site that you can show her. That will sort her out i bet.
Why didnt you say you only wanted somebody to google some info for you.
And btw if you dont want opinions dont start threads asking for them. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/26/2011 8:35:22 PM | Hi mooorishey,
May I recommend the book, "Reviving Ophelia" (saving the selves of adolescent girls) by Mary Pipher....for both you and your daughter to read. It's an informative book on the topic of teens (specifically girls), sexual activity, and other situations that occur in a teens life, with useful advice on how to handle said situations.
If your daughter is interested in knowing what's happening with her body, mind, and emotions (at this time in life) and if she is looking for advice on how to handle situations that come to her, she will find this book helpful.
All the best to you and your daughter. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/27/2011 1:26:57 AM | OP, persons are going to become sexually active on their schedule.
When I was very young I had a best friend who had been raised in Denmark. We often spoke about our sex lives. Whereas I had not been sexually active in my teens, my parents were very strict, she had, since the age of 15, been sexually active with her parents consent. She could bring her boyfriends home and they would spend the night.
She was a great person, working as a nanny here and attending college.
Being sexually active at a young age is not the worst thing in the world. I think Consious gave you good advice. He has successfully addressed your concerns about her sexual activity and his suggestions make sense to me. Additionally, the last thing your daughter and her boyfriend need is police involvement. She will resent you for a long time if you were to do this; and you can forget about her trusting or confiding in you.
I would not want her to think sex is your only concern. In conjunction with the sex talk
I would be concerned with her school attendance, attitude and if she is respectful of those she should be respectful to. Does she have goals, dreams, aspirations? Help her find a path to those things she deems to aspire to. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/27/2011 2:08:55 PM | Unless the OP has taken any worthwhile steps today then he's STILL aiding and abetting underage sex. His post proves he knows about it. His ex wife or anybody else who knows about it could report it at any time. He could face charges. Its not just the daughter thats in danger here. I stand by my original post. Phone the police.
It wouldnt suprise me if his next thread is "my lying ex has reported me". | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/27/2011 3:54:44 PM | yes - thanks for that..
the police and social services are well aware of the issue of course.
Please PLEASE go away you haven't got a clue - and before you rush in with what you think is relevant / interesting riposte - it was not and will not be. Trust me. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/27/2011 4:37:49 PM |
the police and social services are well aware of the issue of course.
Why are you asking advice from A.N.other when you have so called experts you could be talking to ? Do you just like this subject maybe ?
Dont tell me to go away. I have as much right to post here as you do and I dont care if my point of view is one you would rather not hear. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/27/2011 4:55:39 PM |
the police and social services are well aware of the issue of course. Why are you asking advice from A.N.other when you have so called experts you could be talking to ? Do you just like this subject maybe ? Dont tell me to go away. I have as much right to post here as you do and I dont care if my point of view is one you would rather not hear.
V3ctra, I am not sure to see the point of your posts to the OP. He is posting for understanding and compassion, not for advices. Yes, you have just as much "right" as anyone to write here, but what are you trying to achieve? Could you do it with just a little empathy, perhaps?
The OP has the courage to write here on these forums about something difficult and personal. The least we can do is to acknowledge that. Yes, all points of view here are welcome, even the ones the OP does not agree with. But they all can be communicated with respect, I think. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 1/28/2011 2:06:12 AM | CS, to be honest, I don't know what the OP wants.
He sarts a thread on the fact that his 14 year old daughter is sexually active. He implies he doesn't like it nor consents to it, by saying that he won't authorise sleep overs. He also implies he is against the mother's decision of allowing the girl to have sleep overs from the age of 13 with a boy 4 years older than her. The girl is deceitful and cunning to get what she wants. He says that he doesn't know what to do.
He gets opinions. I don't know about the other posters, but I married and had a child in the UK, and my prospect was to remain there. Si I became knowledgeable about health system, social trends, education, because it would impact my life and the one of the child I brought into the world.
Some people speak from a moral point of view. Others from a psychological point of view. I try to summarise information I got during the time I lived over there, nearly a decade.
He then goes onto shunning people for giving their opinion. Then he praises the mother for getting contraception for the girl, although he says that the girl is naive about what she thinks being protected means. He then implies that age is just a number, disregarding the fact that in HIS country there is an age of consent, which is there for a reason. I explain that my country has lowered that age, against the advice from psychologists, and that this is causing problems here.
Most of the people posting here are parents, and I think there has been an almost unanimous consensous (rare in these forums) about the unsuitability of the whole situation. Now, he has sent to hell to everybody who has suggested a harsh and decisive course of action.
We all thought the OP had a real problem and was looking for opinions on what should he do. After reading his thankless reactions to everything said, and the evolution of his thinking, I believe that, as a custodial parent, he has seen that, obviously, something has gone terribly wrong in his daughter's education and perception of the world, and just wants a pat on the back to not have to feel bad nor responsible about it.
I feel for the girl. | |
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