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| | my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?Page 4 of 13 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13) | | First take her to the hostpital and visit the babies,then have her talk to the doctors about having sex at her age and what problems could occur if she gets preggo.Next ask her how she was going to pay for the baby if she has one.She needs to understand the dangers of doing it!!My Ex wife promoted my daughter to have sex with her BF,now we are divorced!!!Im an old fashion guy with family values,and that stuff dont fly with me.My daughter restrained untill she was 18 before she resumed her relationships,she just married at 20 which I think is too young still.Told her not to come looking for help if she gets preggo,nor try to come back home if things go bad,It was her mom that told her to get married ASAP.All I can say is good luck,its hard raising kids.My son got into trouble having sex with a younger girl and cost him his job,freedom and future.It also cost alot of money for court which took every thing he had and then some.He still is having problems today | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/2/2011 11:08:23 PM | ^^How come it's all your ex-wife's fault? Weird..
IT's not the end of the world if a 14-year-old has consensual sex in a loving, age-appropriate relationship. It's not something I'd want for my daughter, but .. it's not the end of the world. The potential by-product is another story. You can't stop your kids having sex, but you can do you best to make sure they're protected. And if an accident happens, there's always abortion. Why do so many of you say a 14-year-old is too young to have sex but old enough to give birth? Even weirder.. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/3/2011 6:01:51 AM | So, I was getting my haircut yesterday...I've been getting my haircut by the same woman for many years...and Ms.cutter says to me..."I don't know what to do...my daughters is sexually active and she's only 14."
I told Ms. Cutter to throw her hands up in the air with resignation...
And after that...I asked if she was talking to her daughter...of course came the answer..."I get doors slammed in my face...yelled at...name called..."
Sigh...I had all that in spades in another life...
So, I thought for a second...
Since, I know Ms. Cutter doesn't make a lot of money and is at her wits end...I suggested a wonderful service we have in this town...thru Family and Youth Services free counseling is offered...family counseling and individual for the daughter.…what will come of counseling I don’t know….certainly there has to be more potential to have positive results than to throw ones hands in the air. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/8/2011 6:09:02 PM | I haven't allowed my daughters to sleep with anyone under my roof. The oldest is on her own.
The youngest is almost 19, and she knows flat out how I feel.
I believe that if they want to have a grown up relationship, they should be in their own place, where they can set the rules.
I am not a landlord nor is my house a bed and breakfast.
With true responsibility, comes true freedom period.
In otherwords: My house my rules!
Thanks George....... | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/10/2011 2:44:20 PM | As I tried to read through all these valuable posts and contributions... all i can say as a mom of both 20 & 14 yr old daughters.... and more importantly an employee in pediatrics in a medical practice is.....
SHAME ON OUR SYSTEM for taking parenting away from us when it comes to issues such as this!!!
Our HIPPA laws state that if your 12.. yes 12 year old child goes to their doctor if they are sexually active and yes, even their school medical office for contraceptives... the law says we as parents, have NO rights to this information.
It is a very sad state of affairs and Lord help all of us as parents of young children in this day and age....
SI gal | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/10/2011 8:50:34 PM |
I haven't allowed my daughters to sleep with anyone under my roof. The oldest is on her own. The youngest is almost 19, and she knows flat out how I feel. I believe that if they want to have a grown up relationship, they should be in their own place, where they can set the rules.
have you considered how this may feel from her point of view, karma1160 , and more importantly, the actual alternatives you are offering your daughter?
- She can put an important part of her love live aside permanently until she leaves the family house. This is essentially what you are asking of her, to put aside her sexuality. In doing this, you would be taking away an important part of her life and proving to her that your comfort matter more than her life.
or
- She can lie about it, hide it from you, have it behind your back when you aren't home. In doing that, you would prevent her from becoming an honest and ethical person with values of transparency and respect...
or
- She can have sexual relationship in unsafe places, back of cars, party with other friends, bar, etc. In doing that, you would prevent her from feeling and being safe and have safe intimate relationship in the very years where she is the most vulnerable with at-risk relationships. In doing that, you would force her to go away from you, where peer pressured is present and the risk of rape and abuse much stronger.
or
- She can give up her chances for higher studies all together and start working in a low pay, low qualification job now so she can leave you and have her own life. In doing so, you may force her to drop out from school earlier than she may have in order to support herself, reducing her long term chances of success.
How are ANY of these choices acceptable?
I am not a landlord nor is my house a bed and breakfast. In other words: My house my rules!
And yet after 19 years in that house, isn't it also her house? Doesn't she has a room of her own in that house? She may not have paid for it, but she didn't ask to be born from you either...
With true responsibility, comes true freedom period.
Indeed. But isn't it also part of your own responsibilities to sacrifice a part of your own freedom in order to help you child live her own life fully and grow from it? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/10/2011 9:35:17 PM | cs, as much as I respect your opinions, I must say, as a man with no children, you seem to fail to see that when you allow you children to do what you have tried to teach them is not right or in their best interest, you condone that behavior. I would never condone my 14 yr old having sex anywhere, and to allow them to do so in our family home would not only be condoning the behavior, it would be allowing them to disrespect not only me, but all family members, including their self, imo.
I can draw a parallel to allowing my kids & their friends to drink in my home, legal implications aside. Certainly they are safer than if they chose to do so elsewhere, but it no less a negation of the life lessons I have tried to impart to them, and no less an example of condoning the behavior I have taught is unacceptable, as well as disrespectful.
One not only can, but HAS to "life their life & grow" within boundaries, whether they are set by a parent, other authority or society. Truth be told, I am wondering why it is that a 14 year even has a so, much less sex, but that is just me. Allowing one's child to life their own life does not encompass surpassing set boundaries, as far as I am concerned. Sure, they will make some poor choices, & I will be there for them to withstand the fallout, but they will never do so on my watch, and they know it. I am hopeful (and, thank God, thus far, successful) that my attempts to instill in my daughters how very special and deserving of respect they are, as well as respect for others will keep them from making such poor choices in an attempt at gaining freedom. True rebelliousness doesn't come from parenting, it comes from overbearing parenting, call it authoritarian or whatever you'd like, but permissiveness must be tempered with guidance & some degree of control where a minor is involved, You have alluded to the fact that a young teen isn't fully capable of making such potentially life altering decisions, and condoning behaviors that may well adversely affect their lives doesn't seem much like parenting at all to me. Really, it doesn't matter. There should be at least a modicum of respect for rules, don't you think? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/11/2011 5:41:38 AM |
I would never condone my 14 yr old having sex anywhere, and to allow them to do so in our family home would not only be condoning the behavior, it would be allowing them to disrespect not only me, but all family members, including their self, imo.
The previous poster was talking about preventing her 19 years old daughter from having sex in "her house". Not 14, but 19. In addition, the idea of "my house, my rules" is offensive to me, as the child has lived 19 years there and it is just as much her house as her parent's house. Finally, if this thing was about values and not condoning unacceptable behavior, then the least would be for the parent to follow the same rule too. Of course, most parents who refuse to hear about their children having an intimate relationship with a significant other in "their" house won't stop themselves from the having this in their own bedroom. It's often not about condoning a behaviour, but rather about being uncomfortable with the taboo.
This being said, let's talk about a 14 years old.
Either you are successful in delaying their sexual experience, through discussions and trust and the parent-child relationship - and that's good.
Either you do not.
When you get the point where your 14 years old daughter HAS a significant other, has spent some time with that person, you KNOW they will have sex soon, with or without your consent and knowledge.
It's far better to control it home than let it happen somewhere else, unprotected.
At this point it is not "condoning it", it is realizing that your daughter's life is her own, that despite your influence she has reached a new phase of her development and that you now have to change your attitude and rules to adapt to it and see how you can best meet this new challenge in a way that will keep it under control and safe.
I can draw a parallel to allowing my kids & their friends to drink in my home, legal implications aside. Certainly they are safer than if they chose to do so elsewhere, but it no less a negation of the life lessons I have tried to impart to them, and no less an example of condoning the behavior I have taught is unacceptable, as well as disrespectful.
Certainly. But drinking is not a need. Not drinking does not change your life and does not deprive you of an important, defining life experience. In fact, if we want so much for adolescents to delay as much as possible their first sexual experience, it is precisely BECAUSE it is such an emotionally charged and important step, a defining moment in your life. Drinking is not.
Therefore, when your daughter is ready, NOTHING you can say or do will prevent it from happening. When it happens, it's not the negation of your teaching. It's not disrespectful. It's simply life, happening. As a parent, you can adapt or be left behind. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/11/2011 8:51:43 AM |
cs, as much as I respect your opinions, I must say, as a man with no children, you seem to fail to see that when you allow you children to do what you have tried to teach them is not right or in their best interest, you condone that behavior. I would never condone my 14 yr old having sex anywhere, and to allow them to do so in our family home would not only be condoning the behavior, it would be allowing them to disrespect not only me, but all family members, including their self, imo.
I agree with this. As for being 19, my parents had already taught us by that time that we weren't allowed to have a BF/GF sleep over unless we had been dating for a while and it was serious.
To this day, I use those same rules since I used to live with my brothers and he had children. I refused to "parade" men around my young nieces and nephews and in fact when I was dating someone, they wouldn't even get introduced unless it was serious.
I keep saying the following on these forums and nobody ever bites:
One thing I say to my friends when we are talking about things like this and I say it half jokingly is: If kids today are allowed to drink, smoke pot, have sex, get caught if they try to skip school even once - what are kids going to do to rebel? In this "bubble/let's be friends" world that parents have created, how has it affected the kids today? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/11/2011 7:47:42 PM | Rocky, you should know that there is no one who posts on these forums for whom I have a greater degree of respect than cs. I appreciate his education & the fact that he actually cares to impart education on so many who appear to be, well, ignorant when it comes to child development, and for the most part, it doesn't really matter whether he has kids or not; he understands them.
That doesn't mean that I agree with him to the letter on every subject, though, and there is some part of me that is either old fashioned, or at least draws a more definitive line between parent and child while not advocating a fully authoritarian approach. Parenting by textbook has proven completely impossible, as people are never simply black or white.
So, cs....inasmuch as it is "our" home, certainly there are rules, and they are set by an authority figure, just as are rules in the workplace. That authority figure is me (or you, or whomever). To that end, it IS about respect, not nearly as hardline as "my house, my rules", just another fact of life. Allowing behavior that one's children know you are uncomfortable with is allowing disrespect, and knowingly allowing them to disrespect the households rules is condoning that behavior. I simply can not see it any other way than that. I certainly have had a drink in my home, all the while aware that my eldest, at least, has had an experience or two with alcohol, but it is not against the rules for me; that is the difference. You can't stop kids from a degree of defiance, that is part of growing up, but I absolutely believe and see evidence, on nearly a daily basis, that a parent who condones defiance sends harmful messages to their children. Either that they simply don't care about them, that life has little consequence, or that the child is in fact an adult, which can put an awful lot of pressure on one so young. One doesn't "control" the experiences of their child simply by having them have those experiences in a particular building. Far too often, these children are not emotionally equipped to deal with the internal ramifications of their behavior, and now, to whom do they turn, as their own parent has seemingly left them on their own in that regard? I find it sad. Still, I acknowledge a fine line & the fact that a 19 year is much different than a 14 yr old. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess, but for now, it has worked for me; they know how deeply I care, that I have their best interests at heart & that the door is always open,so wish me luck!
As far as sex being a need, I don't think so. There are plenty of celibate people who are just as fulfilled as those who have great sex every day. I do think that is often the case with many teens as well, despite what we hear to the contrary. I am happy to have a pediatrician who wisely told my girls, when they had "a talk" that not everyone is doing it, in fact, most are not, and those that are are the ones she sees in her office in tears, either pregnant, suffering from an STD, broken heart, emotional turmoil, etc. Not having sex at even age 19 deprives you of nothing, and I have no idea why you would think that it does. Frankly, I am surprised to see you post such a thing. I acknowledge that when my children are ready for a sexual relationship, they will embark on one, but I am carefully confident that they will do so with the tools needed to deal with the ramifications of one, and the proper respect for them self, their partners and others. No adaptation needed on my part, only admission, and not a problem at that point, not a negation but rather fruition.  | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/11/2011 8:35:07 PM |
As far as sex being a need, I don't think so.
To be clear, I am not saying that sex in and of itself is a need. However, the need is to explore one's sexuality, to develop deeper and meaningful relationships with the people we love, and so on. In that regards, a lot of celibate people are just fine without sex. But they are also adults, know their body, are self confident and mature, and have had the chance to discover enough sides of their lives and relationship to be confident and choose how they decide to live their lives.
I am not saying that adolescent should have sex! On the contrary, I am all for delaying this crucial experience for when they feel and are ready, in a safe environment, with a meaningful and committed person.
However, I am also convinced that when a teen or a young adult feels ready, falls in what they think is true love, have spent some quality time with someone for a while, and decide that they are at the point of experiencing this - then if we deny it to them, they WILL manage to get it anyway, in far less safe conditions. AND they will also feel that it's none of our business to interfere with their lives, and develop resentment and that will hinder our influence on them and our ability to be consulted and trusted later in their lives as they develop their love lives.
Not having sex at even age 19 deprives you of nothing, and I have no idea why you would think that it does.
That's the thing, ohwhynot. Not having sex at age 19 MAY or MAY NOT deprive you of anything... depending on who you are, what you lived, what you want to live, at which stage you are, if there is someone important for you in your life, and so on.
It's a personal, deeply important yet private decisions, that (especially at 19 years old!) is frankly not of the parent's business unless the young adult chose to share it.
And if you keep pretending it's not happening and treat it as a taboo in your house, then of course, that young person will never choose to share that side of their lives with you - with all the risk it means when they are still so vulnerable about it. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/11/2011 9:38:03 PM |
And if you keep pretending it's not happening and treat it as a taboo in your house, then of course, that young person will never choose to share that side of their lives with you - with all the risk it means when they are still so vulnerable about it.
I would never pretend it wasn't happening, nor treat sex itself as taboo, as I am well aware of its "importance" to the emergent sexual being (having been there myself, and more than a bit rebellious; thankfully, much more so than my children, likely due in part to my own mother's need to control) but I wouldn't allow any of my children to engage in sex with our family in the other room, as it would fly in the face of respect, and I would hope that none of my girls would even consider dating, much less sharing such an intimate part of her being with a guy who would be so disrespectful to her family. I display respect & I expect it; thus far, I get it, not by demanding it, but by modeling it. I feel that the risk of not doing so is far greater. I broach the subject, and in doing so, believe (and have evidence) that I am approachable. Truth be told, every single person I know who, as a teen, was "allowed" to have sex, drink or engage in otherwise private behaviors in full view of their parent (so to speak, not literally) blames their parents for their mistakes. Furthermore, they state that they felt uncared for, and every single person I know who was "forced" to have sex in the backseat felt loved by their parents and felt that they alone were responsible for their choices. They saw their parents as parents rather than friends, sought guidance & took responsibility for their actions, as opposed to having someone else to blame. That is maturity as I see it, and it is what I hope for for my own children.
Truth is, I admire your aplomb, and have no argument with your post. Bottom line, though... this thread is about a 14 year old, not a border line adult, and I stand firm in my assessment. At that age, the exhibition of sexual behavior is more likely than not a cry for either attention or help, and merely allowing it as a part & parcel of "growing up" evidences a lack of parental responsibility. I don't believe that children are really maturing faster than they used to, at least not emotionally (physical maturation, yes, most likely due to hormones in chicken or something akin to that); it is simply an excuse to cease parenting at a younger age, in this age of convenience. In our supposed efforts to boost self esteem, we have gone overboard, as we seem to have forgotten from whence it comes. Okay, I'm going a bit overboard myself; time for bed. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/12/2011 2:17:17 AM |
Our HIPPA laws state that if your 12.. yes 12 year old child goes to their doctor if they are sexually active and yes, even their school medical office for contraceptives... the law says we as parents, have NO rights to this information.
I fully support that HIPPA law. 200%.
I hope to God my kids dont have sex too young, and have to deal with std's or unwanted pregnancies. But i would rather them be able to go to a doctor, and get condoms, birth control, and check-ups, rather than have them faced with having to have an abortion, having to birth an unwanted child, or having an STI.
Many kids become pregnant or catch STD's because they are afraid to ask their parents for birth control or talk to them about having sex.
I want my kids to talk to me if they are in that boat. But if for whatever reason they are afraid to or dont feel comfortable talking sex with me, i would be damn grateful that they can still access birth control and medical care.
Not that i would be happy about my kids having sex so young~~~I would not be. I would blow a gasket.
BUT, i want them to have SAFE-ER sex, and be fully educated on birth control and STI's, and have access to birth control and doctors care, if they do.
I dont want my daughter to go through the pain of having an abortion. I dont want some young girls father banging on my door witha shotgun yelling at me that my son knocked his little girl up. I dont want my kids getting Aids or warts or herpes.
I dont want to have to raise Grandchildren at a time when i will be looking forward to my freedom years.
I wanted birth control desperately when i was an adolescent, i was having sex starting at age 17. I couldnt get it because i was on my parents insurance plan, and was afraid they would find out. A girlfriend gave me some of her packs of BC pills, and i didnt even know that you had to take it cyclically, i thought you just took it after you had sex. Sure enough, my luck ran out and i got pregnant.
My lovely daughter has been a real blessing, i dont regret her for a millisecond, but, had i been able to have easy access to a doctor and birth control i could have held off on having babies until i was married. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/12/2011 10:00:09 AM | Good morning ohwhynot :-)
I wouldn't allow any of my children to engage in sex with our family in the other room, as it would fly in the face of respect, and I would hope that none of my girls would even consider dating, much less sharing such an intimate part of her being with a guy who would be so disrespectful to her family.
What I understand, ohwhynot, from what you wrote above, is that in the end, this has nothing to do with parenting, or with the adolescent's safety, or risks, or condoning sexuality...
It seems from what I read that this has to do with a personal value: you seem to feel that it's unacceptable for you to have a couple under your roof making love, other than yourself.
It seems to make you uncomfortable?
If this value of yours is something you want to model, then it means you never ever had sex with a man (including the children's father) while the children were in the house, for instance sleeping during the night?
In other words, I would like to understand why you think it is different when two adults make love during the night in their own bedroom while the kids are sleeping, versus when your young adult daughter or your teen who has a serious committed relationship decides to spend the night with her significant other in her room in the family house?
Think about it. Don't answer too fast, give it some real thought. What's different?
As for respect - certainly, there is a lack of respect from a significant other who would go against your will as the mother and have sex with your daughter in your house when this is something you do not want.. but you could also tell your daughter that it is okay for him to spend the night here, with her (no need to give more details) and then they wouldn't have to be disrespectful by lying or hiding...
You say you are approachable. What would be your response if your daughter, say she is 15 years old, asks you for her boyfriend to stay for the night? How would you handle that question?
Truth be told, every single person I know who, as a teen, was "allowed" to have sex, drink...
Please, drinking has nothing to do with the problem at hand :)
or engage in otherwise private behaviors in full view of their parent (so to speak, not literally) blames their parents for their mistakes. Furthermore, they state that they felt uncared for, and every single person I know who was "forced" to have sex in the backseat felt loved by their parents and felt that they alone were responsible for their choices.
Well... sorry to disagree. One of my best friend is a mother of a 16 years old. Her daughter is in a stable and committed relationship with this boy for 2 years and a half now. Since she is 15 she has her boyfriend welcomed to spend the night at home anytime they both want. None of them have any of the problems you described... and I can guarantee she does not see her parents as "friends". I can tell you also from research and from helping a lot of parents so far, that what you describe has nothing to do with this in particular, and lot more with the rest of how the child has been parented...
Bottom line, though... this thread is about a 14 year old, not a border line adult, and I stand firm in my assessment. At that age, the exhibition of sexual behavior is more likely than not a cry for either attention or help, and merely allowing it as a part & parcel of "growing up" evidences a lack of parental responsibility.
I'd rather say it's a question of case by case. It's the delicate problem of discussing sex with the teen, understanding why she thinks she is ready and evaluating if she is, having real open conversation with her and attempt to get her to understand that it's important to take time, yet making her feel like the family house is her house and it's always a safe place no matter what she decide. And very often.... when the parents do this in a firm yet open way, they show the teem that the teen controls her life herself, indeed, and often, in the end, that's enough to remove the peer pressure and to let them wait longer before it happens. See my point? :-) | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/12/2011 12:50:48 PM |
In other words, I would like to understand why you think it is different when two adults make love during the night in their own bedroom while the kids are sleeping, versus when your young adult daughter or your teen who has a serious committed relationship decides to spend the night with her significant other in her room in the family house?
Think about it. Don't answer too fast, give it some real thought. What's different?
it could be the 'uncomfortable' thing as you say, also IF the young girl becomes pregnant, at least 99.9% chance that the parent(s) will have to take at least some or all of the responsibility for the child, IF she has one (does abort, etc.) I have seen so many cases where young people say they will have a child and will take full responsibility.. virtually NEVER happens, it ends up on her parents (grandparents of the new child)
CS aren't you the one that constantly harps that people of 15 and 16 9anyone under 25 by your word) do not have brains mature enough to understand the (possible) consequences of their actions, which can include pregnancy?
so the mother is probably over 25, but these kids are well under 25, thus not able to understand all the possible consequences? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/12/2011 1:04:28 PM |
also IF the young girl becomes pregnant, at least 99.9% chance that the parent(s) will have to take at least some or all of the responsibility for the child, IF she has one (does abort, etc.) I have seen so many cases where young people say they will have a child and will take full responsibility.. virtually NEVER happens, it ends up on her parents (grandparents of the new child)
I entirely agree with you on this, sexyisback. However, whether or not this happens in your house (where it is at last safe from gang rapes, your daughter can call for help if needed, and there are hopefully condoms available) or outside, in the backseat of a car or in a teen party rigged with exactasy - in the end, there is STILL 99.9% chances that the parent will have to take at least some or all of the responsibility for the child in the case of a pregnancy.
At least home, you have some control: your mere presence in the next room means whatever happens will have to be respectful and discreet, you can make sure your teen isn't drunk and that no drug is in the house, that she is not pressured by peers, that you have met the boy and met the family for a while before it happens, etc. All of this lowers the chances of pregnancy and abuse.
Simply refusing that this ever happens at home does not guarantee it won't happen elsewhere (quite the opposite).
I don't see how the parent can claim he is not responsible if it happens outside of his home anyway...
CS aren't you the one that constantly harps that people of 15 and 16 9anyone under 25 by your word) do not have brains mature enough to understand the (possible) consequences of their actions, which can include pregnancy? so the mother is probably over 25, but these kids are well under 25, thus not able to understand all the possible consequences?
Yes, absolutely. The brain becomes fully mature around 25 years old.
But what is the alternative? You cannot follow your teen around with a camera attached and you cannot force her not to have sex. Not only is it intrusive for her life, but it is physically impossible.
It is BECAUSE you know teens are not fully mature and you know how big the consequences can be (not just pregnancy and STDs, but also emotionally) that you should act as a safe heaven, an agent of trust and confidence who can be present when it happens, so to speak, rather than absent. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/12/2011 1:24:25 PM | At least home, you have some control: your mere presence in the next room means whatever happens will have to be respectful and discreet, you can make sure your teen isn't drunk and that no drug is in the house, that she is not pressured by peers, that you have met the boy and met the family for a while before it happens, etc. All of this lowers the chances of pregnancy and abuse.
Sorry, but I know for a fact that the mere presence does not instill respect.
It is IMPOSSIBLE for a parent to ensure that a teen is not pressured by peers. Things are very different once you hit the "schoolyard". The only drinking my brother allows his teens to do is when it is at a family function and we are celebrating birthdays. Otherwise, he does not want his teens sitting around with their buddies knocking back a 24.
I'm not saying that this wouldn't be okay for some teens - but you simply cannot advocate this type of behaviour for every individual.
Parents can say what they want, but in the end the onus lies on the individual. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/12/2011 10:19:46 PM |
In other words, I would like to understand why you think it is different when two adults make love during the night in their own bedroom while the kids are sleeping, versus when your young adult daughter or your teen who has a serious committed relationship decides to spend the night with her significant other in her room in the family house?
Think about it. Don't answer too fast, give it some real thought. What's different?
It's not about being different. I have attempted to teach my children that sex between two mature adults within the context of a loving relationship is what is best for their health & well being & what is morally correct. To that end, allowing them to have sex in front of their sisters (figuratively speaking) would make me a hypocrite. The effect of my allowing my daughter to "break the rules" so to speak, flows downstream. Certainly, I have had sex with men with whom I did not have such a relationship, but not in my home with my kids present. Whether I think it different or not has little bearing, as I don't defend myself to my children. I freely admit that I am in the camp of those who believe that one's children should not be privy to all details of their lives, and I would never admit to my kids that I have tried drugs, either. Moral codes are not unhealthy, and the mere fact that one's child would utter "but you do/did it" is evidence of the fact that they are not ready to deal with adult subjects.
I am a bit disappointed that you don't see the relation between drinking, drugs & sex in the midst of a discussion of young people. Permissiveness of a parent in regards to any of the above often bears the same result, perhaps not the specific result, although, hey, you can indeed become pregnant from drinking, indirectly speaking. The ability to make judgments, clarity of thought, focus on priorities, etc. are affected by all these issues when one is not yet fully mature. The point is that all teaching about life's lessons goes out the window when one condones behaviors they have held unacceptable.
My home is a safe place, too, but that has nothing to do with having sex; it's simply not "safe" for a 14 year old to have sex. Then again, my kids were not allowed to date at 14, have never balked at this "rule", and truth be told, I believe that having the excuse that it is the rule made it easier for them to not give in to pressures. Admittedly, none of their closest friends was allowed to date at 14. As of now, at 18 (for the oldest) none of them have become pregnant, had an STD, anorexia, cut, do drugs, etc. either, so I think I'll retain my rules, thanks. I'll readily acknowledge that it begins much earlier than preteen age, as the fact that they are surrounded by those with similar values & morals is just as much to "blame" for their lack of what I consider improper behaviors for one so young, even if I take said blame for picking their friends to the extent that one does with the very young.
Great parent though they may be, I admit I am far from impressed by any parent whose 16 year old has had a "bf" for more than 2 years! It is our job as parents to alleviate societal pressure on children to grow up so fast. At 14, you are a child, a child is ill equipped to have a steady, serious relationship imo. You can never get back that childhood.
I am hopeful that when my daughters feel the time is right for them, they will have reached a level of maturity & are engaged in a relationship such that they will not have to "convince" me. They have grown up constantly reminded of how special they are, and how lucky are the ones with whom they choose to share any part of them self. So long as they continue to believe that, I think they'll make good decisions. By then, they should either have a place of their own, a bf with a place of his own, or at least the money for a decent hotel room. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/12/2011 11:54:41 PM | It is our job as parents to alleviate societal pressure on children to grow up so fast.
As a child forced to grow up too fast due to certain circumstances, I am a HUGE fan of comments like this. When you lose part of your childhood, you realize how precious it really is.
Some children who have been in abusive or trying experiences will know exactly what I'm talking about.
There is such pressure from their peers to grow up, however once you are alone with some of closest friends, you realize how much of a child you really still are. I experienced this with some of my friends. Caught between the world of kissing boys and playing with barbies. When I was 14/15, there were several of my friends who had a reputation of being "sluts", however I knew the truth that they were really virgins and only pretending in order to be cool. More of that goes on than adults know. I kept and continue to keep many secrets and some of those are from children I watched grow up to be wonderful adults of whom their parents and grandparents are extremely proud.
`and I would never admit to my kids that I have tried drugs, either. Moral codes are not unhealthy, and the mere fact that one's child would utter "but you do/did it" is evidence of the fact that they are not ready to deal with adult subjects.`
And most parents would say this, this is natural. As someone who was not a parent, I was able to share my experiences with them almost like I was a friend and I sneaked in some lecturing by sharing my scary experiences. Years later, I can see the impact some of my stories has on them. We now laugh about them.
As for the sex bit, there is a missing component in both sex education and what parents tell their children and I believe that this would go a long way to helping young people cope with the stress of sex. I've spoken about this with my 17 year old nephew and he really likes and agrees with some of the ideas I have suggested to him. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/14/2011 8:23:49 PM |
Great parent though they may be, I admit I am far from impressed by any parent whose 16 year old has had a "bf" for more than 2 years!
Now I am the one disappointed in you.
So, let's see.
Your 14 years old daughter comes back home one day and, after some time talking with you about other topics, tells you she now has a boyfriend.
So, what do you do, exactly?
It is our job as parents to alleviate societal pressure on children to grow up so fast.
Okay but concretely, what do you do?
Do you tell her "no you don't! You are too young for that!" ?
Do you tell her that she is wrong and that she should "flush" the guy?
Do you move to a different area so you can change her to a different school?
At 14, you are a child, a child is ill equipped to have a steady, serious relationship imo. You can never get back that childhood.
I totally agree that they definitely are ill equipped to have a steady and serious relationship. Yet, say she tells you that (which is already a kudos to a strong and trusting relationship by the way, as most teens would never tell their parents that).
So what do you do?
I am curious to hear this.
What do you do, for real, outside all the dogmatic stance you wrote about what teens are supposed or not supposed to do - how would you handle it exactly?
I am hopeful that when my daughters feel the time is right for them, they will have reached a level of maturity & are engaged in a relationship such that they will not have to "convince" me.
If one of your daughter is 18, most likely, you simply don't know what already happened.
By then, they should either have a place of their own, a bf with a place of his own, or at least the money for a decent hotel room.
What if one of them wants to go to the university? Yet also have a committed and serious relationship? You'd force them to get a hotel room?!? When would you consider the boy part of the family? What if you drive your daughter to stop her studies in order to pay her hotel rooms or her rent to move out from your restrictions? Is that an acceptable impact for you?
And finally, with that attitude regarding your 18 years old daughter's love life - do you really think she would actually tell you everything that she experiences or lives in her love life? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/15/2011 9:04:40 AM |
When would you consider the boy part of the family?
you suggest that parents are required to treat each guy (or girl) their daughter (or I assume for the sake of equality, each girl (or guy)..) their son goes out with as 'part of the family' ?
really? does that mean take them on family trips, have them move in permanently, etc.? help to finance their education?
friends of mine had a 17 year old daughter who seemed to repeatedly make bad choices in guys -guys who were addicted to opiates and stole articles from her parent's home, etc.
are they 'required' to treat all these guys as 'members of the family'?
"here, here's another TV set & DVD player you can take down to the fence's or pawn shop, to get your drugs for today.. maybe a ring or two..?.." | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/15/2011 9:48:49 AM | @sexyisback: I am suggesting nothing so far. What I did was ask a question, which you did not answer.
Here it is again:
Your daughter telks you she has a boyfriend.
WHEN do you consider the boyfriend as part of the family?
WHAT are the criterias? Is it a question of time? If so, how long? Or are you saying that no matter how long they have been together or how committed they are to each other, you'd never consider the bf part of the family?
If you think this through, in a way, it isn't very different from adult relationship. Say you mert someone here... And you start dating fora while... WHEN do you consider that person to be your new family? When would you introduce that person to your child and expect them to interact and respect the SO as part if the new family?
I said or suggested nothing about what it may means that this boy is now considered as part of the family: howfar it may or may not go depends on each family. But the point is: at some stage, eventually, this boy is an important and meaningful person in your daughter's life. Ignoring this won't make it disapear. So when do you eventually start ackowledging that there IS somebody in your daughter's life? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/15/2011 10:31:03 AM | The OPost deals with a 13 yo daughter and a 17 yo b/f...sleeping at mom's with her permission...frankly the message to the 13 yo daughter and the rest of the siblings is appalling.
Clearly, the best scenerio for OP is to be able to have as mature a discussion as is possible with a 13 yo...failing that...finding a way to have the 13 yo daughter get some counseling...there is quite a difference in maturity levels of the daughter and the b/f...perhaps no so much with mom.
A new twist to the conversation...when to make an age appropriate b/f feel like he's part of the family...I really don't know...but, making him feel accepted, in short order, might be a good start. | |
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